Should I call out this obvious sexual tension?

Hi, I’m in a huge mess I can’t seem to see clearly through. I have a pretty close personal relationship with a former professor from graduate school who is now someone I consider to be a great friend (the feeling is mutual). Anyway, we don’t get to spend too much time together (he’s married with a kid and is busy all the time, and I just move out of town to work on my PhD). I have a boyfriend of three years who I’m pretty sure I’m suppose to be with and who I consider to be my best friend, but this other person makes me feel like there’s something going on between the two of us. I used to think I was infatuated with him because he’s older and use to be my advisor, however, someone we both know assumed we were sleeping together (which isn’t true). Granted, that person had been drinking, but I’m sure they would have alluded to us possibly fooling around anyway if alcohol hadn’t been involved. I told my friend and he told me not to worry about it. Yet, ever since then we’ve gotten closer, but haven’t been physical. We text and email each other a lot (about work-related projects and personal things), and our messages have been, for about a year now, verging on the flirtatious side. We’re never physical in public or alone. I love hugging my friends and the people closest to me, but I don’t do that with him even though he’s really important to me and I care so much about him. I know it’s because I don’t want people to think we’re sleeping together, but I also think I’m afraid something will happen between the two of us if we start hugging. It sounds so silly! But the idea never seems innocence. I haven’t asked, but I don’t think he has a good relationship with his wife (who I personally really like and would never do anything to ruin their marriage, of course). My friend never talks about her in a loving way (one time he mentioned everything he cared about while giving me some advice and only brought up his son and not her!) I know they almost got a divorce while in graduate school, and he’s told me about his horrible relationship with his mother-in-law and how his wife never seems to stick up for him. He’s also gotten a little fussy with her in front of me which makes me feel extremely uncomfortable, however, I’ve never gotten the vibe that she thinks anything is going on between me and her husband. I’ve spent whole days with him (we’re working on a few projects together whenever I come back into town to visit my boyfriend) and he’s always suppose to be home at a certain and is always late. He complains about getting yelled at, but it’s obvious he’s being selfish about his time and not considering what she needs. Anyway, if some people we know are having a party or an event, the two of us end up going together and not with our significant others. After a holiday party last year, I sent him a text (I was really drunk, but I think I was trying to test the situation) telling him how much he meant to me and how great our relationship was. He responded positively and basically from there the flirtation has ramped up. I had a going away party before I started my program and he forgot to invite his wife. I had to apologize to her at the party! He use to be super weird around my boyfriend but now it seems like he’s okay with him. I think he might be mirroring my behavior toward his wife which has always been congenial. He’s not tech savvy but he’ll send me cute emojis whenever we email and will joke about the stupidest littlest things because they’re funny to us, and no one else would get it. Other people have definitely mentioned how close it seems we are; no one has implied or asked if we’re sleeping together like the one time, but I’m afraid people might think that. Also, I’m nervous about what to do with my friend. Should I confront him? I really like him a lot and he means so much to me. I guess what I’m really trying to figure out is why it seems like our friendship is still pretty awkward....I really feel like it has something to do with an unspoken sexual tension that hasn’t gone anywhere physically. He knows a lot about me and vice versa, but we are still very weird around each other which leds me to believe he feels the same way. I’m not sure, which is why I wrote this long rambling post! Please help! Thank you so much.

I should probably mention that I’m 29 and he just turned 48. He was my adviser while I got my masters before working a bit then going into a PhD program. Hope that clears some things up.

I am frequently struck by the way that some people who are highly intelligent in an academic sense can be so very, very unwise in an emotional one...

He is 19 years older than you, and married with a kid. That's all you need to know. If there's sexual tension between you, it can be safely ignored for the sake of his marriage, your relationship and your future studies. If you think things are weird now, just wait to see what they're like if you take this any further! Do not confront him, just keep your emails and any other communication polite and professional, and stop feeding this infatuation. It will go away in its own time.

In the past I've had crushes on guys who were either unavailable, or were complete p***artists that nobody in their right mind would get involved with; thankfully, I did nothing about it. I'd advise you to do likewise.

It's best to get your infatuation under control, stop flirting with him and stop chatting or hanging out or hugging. You need to scale this way back and perhaps consider what's wrong with your relationship with your bf and some therapy to get insight into your infatuation, need for this attention and unaddressed issues/dissatisfaction with your bf.

he’s married with a kid. I used to think I was infatuated with him because he’s older and use to be my advisor. I don’t want people to think we’re sleeping together. I don’t think he has a good relationship with his wife. I come back into town to visit my boyfriend.

It sounds like you are talking your way into an affair. Your post has been written by countless others (practically verbatim) who have --oops!--somehow ended up being unfaithful. "It just happened," they all say.

You're not in a huge mess yet, but you will be if you continue down the path you're on.

Stop worrying about his marriage. It's none of your business and it's not an excuse to have an affair.

By the way, nothing about this "sounds so silly." It's very serious. Don't be a fool.

Do not be a home wrecker.

He has a crush on you. You can do better than a man that contemplates cheating on his wife and child. If he will cheat with you he will cheat on you.

Leave it as a friendship and do not encourage any overly familiar communication or contact. If its a real friendship it will endure if not he will fade away.

29 is a tricky age. Its the age where you settle down and marry your long term partner or you dont. When i was 29 half of my friends got engaged and half broke up from their long term university relationships all over one summer. You need to make that decision. Dont distract yourself with another man, make a decision about the guy you've got and move forward with that.

(he’s married with a kid

 

I have a boyfriend of three years

What part about being married with a kid ... and having a long term boyfriend, don't you understand? Serious question. I'd really like to know.

Sorry if this is a little harsh and to the point, but really, you have no business messing around with this guy, no business in flirting and getting way too close and spending way too much time with him. Don't become a home wrecker. How would YOU like it if someone was doing this with your husband? Have some self-respect and try to respect other people's relationships. You also show great disrespect to your own boyfriend and your own relationship. Does it make you feel good about yourself? I can't imagine it does.

Do NOT confront him. Back off and stay off and focus on your own relationship. Maybe try telling your boyfriend what's been going on and hear what he has to say about it? That might clear your head for you.

I am frequently struck by the way that some people who are highly intelligent in an academic sense can be so very, very unwise in an emotional one...

What part about being married with a kid ... and having a long term boyfriend, don't you understand? Serious question. I'd really like to know.

 

Sorry if this is a little harsh and to the point, but really, you have no business messing around with this guy, no business in flirting and getting way too close and spending way too much time with him. Don't become a home wrecker. How would YOU like it if someone was doing this with your husband? Have some self-respect and try to respect other people's relationships. You also show great disrespect to your own boyfriend and your own relationship. Does it make you feel good about yourself? I can't imagine it does.

 

Do NOT confront him. Back off and stay off and focus on your own relationship. Maybe try telling your boyfriend what's been going on and hear what he has to say about it? That might clear your head for you.

Drop the mic and walk away cause nothing else needs to be said here.

There is absolutely no justification for bringing this up and unless your moral code is seriously broken I don't even understand why you would want to.

No, you should not. What are you trying to accomplish? What is your end game in all this? You write that you would never try to ruin their marriage yet you are choosing to flirt/ participate in emotional cheating with him??? Why?

It sounds like you are willy nilly trying to monkey branch to an affair, ruining a child's and another woman's life (that you say you like!!) in the process. Flirting and communicating with a married man like that is a big no no, plus, it indicates a pretty messed up lack of boundaries and a serious lack of values/morals (despite paying lip service to not trying to ruin their marriage). Newsflash: you are already undermining/ruining their marriage by validating him through flirting, validating his perceived grievances and humoring his inappropriate sharing of intimate stuff regarding their relationship. He is being a total pr1(k towards his wife and you are enabling and validating this awful behaviour.

The healthy thing to do would be to distance yourself from him i.e. stop all the flirting and intimate discussions regarding their relationship and take a long hard look in the mirror. What is it lacking within your own life/relationship that is driving you towards choosing to nurture/cultivate a destructive mess waiting to happen?

I'll admit, I was definitely bothered by this thread. You said that you don't want to ruin this "friend's" marriage, yet you're admittedly flirting with him, and you knew full well what you were doing when you sent him that text a year ago to "test" the waters.

Curious to know how you would feel if your boyfriend (or, hypothetically speaking, your husband) was hanging out with and texting/messaging another woman in way that you are with this friend (who's married)?

Would you be okay with it? Highly, highly doubt it.

You're playing with fire. You know you are. Stop. Respect this guy, his wife, and his relationship. Because right now, you're not.

I'm not buying that you don't want anything more to happen between you two. You may say that in this thread, and you might be trying to convince yourself of this as well, but no, I'm not buying it.

I feel sorry for this guy's wife and your boyfriend.

The advice is simple - stop trying to talk yourself into having an affair with a married man. That's assuming that you are correct that there is any actual interest in you on his part and not just personal delusions and reading something into nothing because you want it to be true.

Distance yourself from him, stop all personal talk, stop hanging out with him, take anything negative he says about his wife with a giant boulder of salt because people will vent to their friends, but it doesn't mean squat. Drop all these ideas in your head about how he is a poor man and his wife so bad to him and gosh, you are sooo much better because you get him like she doesn't. That's all dangerous toxic bs. If his relationship was that bad, he'd have been divorced long ago. So don't bs yourself and don't listen to his bs either.

Basically, stay far far away from him until you get over your crush and meanwhile, sort out yourself, your life, and your relationship and figure out what is missing in you that you would even contemplate becoming a cheating wh...

You need to pass on this one and stop all contact so you can get over it and find a man that is emotionally available and free of any attachments, otherwise you'll likely be in for a world of hurt. This "thing" you're in is not a relationship.

drop it.

he's married

you have a bf

unless he's filling for divorce and it completes

or you were on the way of breaking up with your bf already

there is zero chance here. and why woudl you want this type of drama?

bad bad bad idea.

Hi, I’m in a huge mess I can’t seem to see clearly through. I have a pretty close personal relationship with a former professor from graduate school who is now someone I consider to be a great friend (the feeling is mutual). Anyway, we don’t get to spend too much time together (he’s married with a kid and is busy all the time, and I just move out of town to work on my PhD). I have a boyfriend of three years who I’m pretty sure I’m suppose to be with and who I consider to be my best friend, but this other person makes me feel like there’s something going on between the two of us. I used to think I was infatuated with him because he’s older and use to be my advisor, however, someone we both know assumed we were sleeping together (which isn’t true). Granted, that person had been drinking, but I’m sure they would have alluded to us possibly fooling around anyway if alcohol hadn’t been involved. I told my friend and he told me not to worry about it. Yet, ever since then we’ve gotten closer, but haven’t been physical. We text and email each other a lot (about work-related projects and personal things), and our messages have been, for about a year now, verging on the flirtatious side. We’re never physical in public or alone. I love hugging my friends and the people closest to me, but I don’t do that with him even though he’s really important to me and I care so much about him. I know it’s because I don’t want people to think we’re sleeping together, but I also think I’m afraid something will happen between the two of us if we start hugging. It sounds so silly! But the idea never seems innocence. I haven’t asked, but I don’t think he has a good relationship with his wife (who I personally really like and would never do anything to ruin their marriage, of course). My friend never talks about her in a loving way (one time he mentioned everything he cared about while giving me some advice and only brought up his son and not her!) I know they almost got a divorce while in graduate school, and he’s told me about his horrible relationship with his mother-in-law and how his wife never seems to stick up for him. He’s also gotten a little fussy with her in front of me which makes me feel extremely uncomfortable, however, I’ve never gotten the vibe that she thinks anything is going on between me and her husband. I’ve spent whole days with him (we’re working on a few projects together whenever I come back into town to visit my boyfriend) and he’s always suppose to be home at a certain and is always late. He complains about getting yelled at, but it’s obvious he’s being selfish about his time and not considering what she needs. Anyway, if some people we know are having a party or an event, the two of us end up going together and not with our significant others. After a holiday party last year, I sent him a text (I was really drunk, but I think I was trying to test the situation) telling him how much he meant to me and how great our relationship was. He responded positively and basically from there the flirtation has ramped up. I had a going away party before I started my program and he forgot to invite his wife. I had to apologize to her at the party! He use to be super weird around my boyfriend but now it seems like he’s okay with him. I think he might be mirroring my behavior toward his wife which has always been congenial. He’s not tech savvy but he’ll send me cute emojis whenever we email and will joke about the stupidest littlest things because they’re funny to us, and no one else would get it. Other people have definitely mentioned how close it seems we are; no one has implied or asked if we’re sleeping together like the one time, but I’m afraid people might think that. Also, I’m nervous about what to do with my friend. Should I confront him? I really like him a lot and he means so much to me. I guess what I’m really trying to figure out is why it seems like our friendship is still pretty awkward....I really feel like it has something to do with an unspoken sexual tension that hasn’t gone anywhere physically. He knows a lot about me and vice versa, but we are still very weird around each other which leds me to believe he feels the same way. I’m not sure, which is why I wrote this long rambling post! Please help! Thank you so much.

Help you with what? What is it you would like to see happen with this man that you are having an emotional affair and talking inappropriately and doing date-like activities with to the point that you're sounding like you are 13 and crushing hard on your rock band wall poster of the lead singer?

Get yourself away from him and stop the inappropriate, platonic relationship boundary crossing interaction with him. That's what you need help with... being able to do that.