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Thread: Why canít my boyfriend see he is broke and tricking me otherwise?

  1. #1

    Why canít my boyfriend see he is broke and tricking me otherwise?

    After many years of my boyfriend getting his finances in order and with my non-financial support to help him budget as well as the financial gift from his family member, he tells me heís really happy with his finances so we can plan to live together. I told him I would only live with him if he is financially responsible like me.

    Well here are the facts : bills are paid off except $1100 of current balances for credit cards with one payment due February 1 another shortly thereafter and except for some purchases over the next few weeks for the purposes of food and gas.

    He is current on his rent and other obligations.
    He only has about $300 left in his checking account after paying bills pay but will get two paychecks this month and a security check so will have a lot more later in the month it will have to be used for first of the month bills again including rent.. He seems to be basically break even each month.

    He has a small savings account I helped him set up with his own money that he deposits a small amount each month. He has some of the cash gift left at about $20,000. He has no other assets or retirement account.

    He is retirement age. Now he says we are ďentitledď to take a vacation somewhere warm for a weekend and he wants to pay for it all! Really? I usually pay half why is he treating me to a vaca he canít afford ?? Is he trying to mislead me that he has it together and we can still have a nice life style so I donít leave him? Am I crazy and is he a hopeless case he still wants to live with me?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    You shouldnít be this involved with a boyfriends money.

    Finances are the number one reason for divorce, yíall arenít even married.

    If youíre financially incompatible you canít change him to be someone he isnít.

    Accept him or donít. Thatís what dating is for

  3. #3
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Maybe he's just trying to be nice? Geez I thought you two were like 20, not retirement age. Tell him you will pay half of the holiday, since you seem like you can afford it, and then do it. Also, never look a gift horse in the mouth.

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    If he is retirement age and has no savings he will not change. He is offering to pay to take you on holidays so that he can say he is generous and then he will expect your generosity ten fold back.
    He is a user and a spendthrift. It will cause you nothing but anguish unless you keep your finances separate. Cant you just continue to date long term and not be involved in each others finances? . Is there any benefit in getting married at this age anyway? My partner and i have lived together for ten years but everything is separate. I pay him rent if we live in his house and vice versa.
    Take the vacay only if you want to go, dont feel pressured and insist you pay your own half.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How long have you been dating? Do you both work? Do you both own your homes? Do not live together and stop trying to micromanage his finances. Go away for the weekend if you want.
    Originally Posted by Confused1623
    financial gift from his family member He has some of the cash gift left at about $20,000. he says we are ďentitledď to take a vacation somewhere warm for a weekend and he wants to pay for it all! ?

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Confused1623
    After many years of my boyfriend getting his finances in order and with my non-financial support to help him budget as well as the financial gift from his family member, he tells me heís really happy with his finances so we can plan to live together. I told him I would only live with him if he is financially responsible like me.

    Well here are the facts : bills are paid off except $1100 of current balances for credit cards with one payment due February 1 another shortly thereafter and except for some purchases over the next few weeks for the purposes of food and gas.

    He is current on his rent and other obligations.
    He only has about $300 left in his checking account after paying bills pay but will get two paychecks this month and a security check so will have a lot more later in the month it will have to be used for first of the month bills again including rent.. He seems to be basically break even each month.

    He has a small savings account I helped him set up with his own money that he deposits a small amount each month. He has some of the cash gift left at about $20,000. He has no other assets or retirement account.

    He is retirement age. Now he says we are ďentitledď to take a vacation somewhere warm for a weekend and he wants to pay for it all! Really? I usually pay half why is he treating me to a vaca he canít afford ?? Is he trying to mislead me that he has it together and we can still have a nice life style so I donít leave him? Am I crazy and is he a hopeless case he still wants to live with me?
    So he's made progress, wants to reward himself, and you're making it all about you??

    You have ongoing money concerns. You need a partner more in tune with your financial philosophies.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    How can he mislead you when you clearly know his finances to the last penny and keep track of every single dime of his income and expenses?

    Personally, I think you are over stepping all kinds of boundaries here. He is your bf, NOT your husband and as such, his finances are none of your business. If you don't like how he spends or manages money, then date, but don't live with him. If you can't stomach even that because he can't keep up with you financially in terms of dates, travel, having fun, then dump him and find someone who is more your financial equal. You have no right to control and micromanage this man's finances.

    Ultimately, what you see is what you get. He has a little money and he'll spend it for pleasure. Probably why he doesn't have savings, retirement funds, etc.

  9. #8
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    While I agree that you shouldn't be meddling with his finances - we all have a right to manage our money and use it the way we want.
    I agree with you the OP that you have a right to decide if this is what you want based on his finances. having had an ex-fiancee steal my lifetime savings from me and leave me in 6 figure credit card debt - I can CERTAINLY understand somebody wanting a potential partner to be financially responsible.

    1. Stop managing his money and telling him how to. that isn't your jurisdiction nor your right. PLUS - dating is about figuring out if this person is the one you want to be with and compatible for life. By forucing him to do what you say about his finances, you are ROBBING YOURSELF of the ability to assess this most important thing about dating. So stop it!
    2. Do you want to go on the vacation? Y/N? If Y, do you feel its right to offer to pay 50%? Y/N? Do what you feel is appropriate only and what you are comfortable with.

    As for "what is he all about". Hate to break it to you, but there are many philosophies in life and how to live. You have one philosophy regarding finances, while he has a very different other philosophy. It's who he is. You either accept it or decide he's not for you. Taht's it. that's all there is. The other thing you should be learning about his behavior is: this is who he is. And even with your well-intended help to get him to see a better financial approach to managing his money - he is clearly not interested in adopting another financial philosophy.

    Again. you either accept it for what it is and move on to enjoying your time together.
    Or you decide it's not for you.
    That's it.

  10. #9
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    I thought you guys were in your 20s until you added "he is of retirement age". No money except what remains of a gift and he's living paycheck to paycheck?

    You want to support him for the rest of your life? Because you will be..

    He's clearly looking to use the remainder of the gift funds- his only remaining savings- on the vacation. Nothing responsible about that at all.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Normm
    I thought you guys were in your 20s until you added "he is of retirement age". No money except what remains of a gift and he's living paycheck to paycheck?

    You want to support him for the rest of your life? Because you will be..

    He's clearly looking to use the remainder of the gift funds- his only remaining savings- on the vacation. Nothing responsible about that at all.
    Many people live paycheck to paycheck. If he is current on all bills and has $300 leftover at the end of the month - he is not irresponsible - he is just lower income than she is. Maybe he feels that he SHOULD as a boyfriend provide and pay for a vacation. I think instead of flipping out - let him, but tell him you would prefer a night at a B&B an hour or two away or a cheap road trip and not two weeks in the bahamas. If he makes a lot less than you, he might feel the need to want to be the treater.

    Its okay to not move in together and just date.
    I think you are way too involved in his finances.

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