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Thread: How to Tell my Girlfriend Iím Broke

  1. #21
    Silver Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    in the end.. here's your real answer (instead of all the riff raff and off-railing here).
    be honest. always be honest.
    if you do have thing you need to improve on, then work on those and share that with her too.

    we tend to forget that our JOB during dating is to LEARN about the other person (and ourselves) to see if we are compatible. We hinder this process by hiding, altering, pretending, or try to control any part of the data required for that analysis to take place. She needs to know HONESTLY how you want to handle your finances -that's important to her. At the same time it's important to YOU to be honest and let her know the honest truth to see HER REACTION and how she handles it - so YOU know if she's the one for YOU!

    We get so caught up in trying to win people over, and doing so by hiding truths, lying, pretending, controlling (there is another post on here about a girl who is dating a guy with no savingins and actually MANAGING his funds and forcing him to manage his money the way she wants him to... she's hindering the "compatibility analysis" process the other direction - by controlling him TOO much she isn't going to learn what he does naturally and by his own choice - so she can't know if he's truly going to be compatible for her or not!!)

    So be honest.. always. Not only so your partner can assess your compatibility for them. but YOU can then assess their compatilibty for YOU based on how they handle YOUR reality.

    Pretty simple folks. Stop hindering the process. This is why 5 in 10 marraiges divorce - verybody hinders the process and focuses on winning people over or "looking good" to "not lose" people instead. bah!

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by thisisrichey
    This is why 5 in 10 marraiges divorce - verybody hinders the process and focuses on winning people over or "looking good" to "not lose" people instead. bah!
    Marriages end in divorce for any number of reasons not necessarily because everybody hinders the process and focuses on looking good and winning people over.

    How about .. lets see.. sexual infidelity, financial infidelity, differences in child rearing philosophy, physical abuse, drug addiction, personality disorders, taking different paths in life, growing apart, having different needs, etc?

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by mustlovedogs
    I donít get why people are saying itís bad she lives at home. Maybe thatís the best financial decision for her.
    Seriously! If you have to pay off your own student loans, it's the most responsible decision you can make.

    But anyway... he didn't say she was scrutinizing his finances. He just happened to lie about his financial situation when they spoke about it. No wonder he has anxiety now.

    I think he should just come clean about what's going on. It's a totally appropriate conversation to have when two people are planning to move in together. How do you expect to be a partner if you throw all these walls up? So many relationships fail due to financial stress and poor communication. Plan for success and be open and honest with each other.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Hey OP, how did you get around to fibbing about your student debt balance? Was it a point you thought would be fun to mention over steak or did she ask how much you have?

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  6. #25
    Silver Member Goodfellas's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    Hey OP, how did you get around to fibbing about your student debt balance? Was it a point you thought would be fun to mention over steak or did she ask how much you have?
    She asked in bed one morning and I just blurted out a number that was a fib but seemed reasonable. She shrugged and said "decent."

    To address more questions/comments that have arose...

    - She is not scrutinizing, she is inquiring which I feel is fair at our age/seriousness/considering living together
    - Living at home is smart while she figures out her next steps
    - I never got the vibe she's looking for someone to support her she truly wants to be with me and wants to know if I'm stable financially
    - Yes, I am gainfully employed and own my own car
    - My credit score is better than 35% of Canadians (according to a reputable credit bureau) although I'm at a high utilization lately
    - This is the only thing I've deceived her about. We've been open about previous lovers, goals and family matters. I just haven't had the heart to tell her this but it's eating at me
    - My next decision is about how much to disclose: monthly budgets with expenditures or simply "I'm living paycheque to paycheque and have no savings kthxbye"

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by Goodfellas
    She asked in bed one morning and I just blurted out a number that was a fib but seemed reasonable. She shrugged and said "decent."

    To address more questions/comments that have arose...

    - She is not scrutinizing, she is inquiring which I feel is fair at our age/seriousness/considering living together
    - Living at home is smart while she figures out her next steps
    - I never got the vibe she's looking for someone to support her she truly wants to be with me and wants to know if I'm stable financially
    - Yes, I am gainfully employed and own my own car
    - My credit score is better than 35% of Canadians (according to a reputable credit bureau) although I'm at a high utilization lately
    - This is the only thing I've deceived her about. We've been open about previous lovers, goals and family matters. I just haven't had the heart to tell her this but it's eating at me
    - My next decision is about how much to disclose: monthly budgets with expenditures or simply "I'm living paycheque to paycheque and have no savings kthxbye"
    Honestly, someone living paycheck to paycheck while paying off their debt AND paying rent and all their bills is financially on par with someone living with mommy and daddy and saving money. Sh e would not be saving if she had rent, renter's insurance , utility bills , etc.

    You should not disclose ANY monthly budget with er at all. The only time to talk about that is when she is actually going to be your wife.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Goodfellas
    She asked in bed one morning and I just blurted out a number that was a fib but seemed reasonable. She shrugged and said "decent."

    To address more questions/comments that have arose...

    - She is not scrutinizing, she is inquiring which I feel is fair at our age/seriousness/considering living together
    - Living at home is smart while she figures out her next steps
    - I never got the vibe she's looking for someone to support her she truly wants to be with me and wants to know if I'm stable financially
    - Yes, I am gainfully employed and own my own car
    - My credit score is better than 35% of Canadians (according to a reputable credit bureau) although I'm at a high utilization lately
    - This is the only thing I've deceived her about. We've been open about previous lovers, goals and family matters. I just haven't had the heart to tell her this but it's eating at me
    - My next decision is about how much to disclose: monthly budgets with expenditures or simply "I'm living paycheque to paycheque and have no savings kthxbye"
    Honestly, someone living paycheck to paycheck while paying off their debt AND paying rent and all their bills is financially on par with someone living with mommy and daddy and saving money. Sh e would not be saving if she had rent, renter's insurance , utility bills , etc.

    You should not disclose ANY monthly budget with er at all. The only time to talk about that is when she is actually going to be your wife.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by mustlovedogs
    I donít get why people are saying itís bad she lives at home. Maybe thatís the best financial decision for her.

    And I agree with the above. Something does seem off.
    I'm just going to say what I'm thinking. What seems off to me is her questioning his financial stability when she herself is not holding her own on the basic level. Her life until this point has been a subsidized one. At 29, yes, I think that's a red flag. Being responsible for what are your costs of living - that would be a very bare basic expectation of mine. She wants that from him, and more, but isn't even feigning that she will provide that same.
    How I see it is she's used to the security net of others being the rocks- facing the tough stuff that sometimes sucks of life in order to do for oneself and be a 'rock' when needed to others. She hasn't yet faced the experience of that responsibility.
    I think at this stage of the game, she's pretty comfortable being subsidized and may not give that up unless another is lined up. And that's why she wants to know his plans for buying a house, etc, now.

    That's just what I'm thinking. If I remember correctly, Goodfella was in another relationship previously with a woman who was close to 30 and hadn't left home. There seems to be a pattern there.

    I wouldn't tell her details, only what she needs to know. No, I'm not flush. I can pay my bills and live, but I'm only starting on working on major financial goals. Days of talking of buying a house together are far away. Days where I could take off to travel, support a baby, etc are far away too.

    But he shouldn't feel bad. Even if she can't understand. It will be a good gauge of what she really is looking for.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    The difference is his debt becomes her problem if they get married. If sheís at home paying down debt, sheís being smarter.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Or more privileged.

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