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How to Tell my Girlfriend I’m Broke


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Hello all,

 

Things are getting serious with me (32) and my girlfriend (29) of 16 months so much so we’re talking about moving in together in 2019. I can honestly say everything is perfect, except my financials.

 

Lately she’s been asking about my student debt, savings and plans to buy a home. I don’t have the heart to tell her I’m living pay cheque to pay cheque with no savings. My only saving grace is my credit is very good and I’m in a potentially lucrative career—although it’s 100% commission so I can’t even budget month to month.

 

I truly fear she’ll end it with me – not because she’s materialistic, but because she wants financial security and freedom – hence why I’ve delayed the talk.

 

Any insight or advice on how to broach this subject would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks in advance

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If you found out she was broke would you break up with her? Probably not, especially if she's got a good job with potential to make more.

 

Be honest with her, hopefully she feels the same way about you.

 

She's going to find out sooner or later might as well rip the bandaid and see where her head is at. If she responds negatively better now then when you're sharing an apartment and a lease.

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I mean, share what is actually her business to know. You've barely been together a year and, from what I can tell, the two of you aren't engaged. I think at this stage, asking whether you've got the means to comfortably split rent or for ballpark estimates of when you anticipate accomplishing what would be a joint financial life goal for you two is plenty fair. If you don't think the latter is a ball you could get rolling until you're 35+, then that's what you say. If she wants to know specific figures, I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to tell her in kinder words to shove it. Beside the bare minimum she'd be entitled as a prospective partner at this stage, share what you're comfortable sharing.

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I would tell her. You don't want to waste her time if this is something she would leave you for. If she left over this, she probably isn't the type of person who would stick with you in bad times as well as good. It's not like you are freeloading or don't have any interest in seeking employment, etc. You're not alone in the student debt, millions are affected. What are her plans to buy a house? What are her savings? Is she revealing this to you, as well?

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Thank you all for your replies.

 

The question was asked if I would break up with her if the situation was reversed. That’s a great question and the answer is no because I’m certain I am in love with her. I’m confident she loves me too but also fear she doesn’t want her time wasted and values security much more.

 

Have I fibbed? Somewhat. I told her my debt was about 3/4 of what it actually is but she knows what I earn(ed) and how my commission works so I’ve been upfront in that regard.

 

It’s not a matter of if I’ll tell her it’s a matter of when. It’s been hanging over me like a dark cloud for months now, and it nearly ruined the holidays with all the extra spending and her questions intensifying. I plan on laying it out honestly, explaining how I got here (paid my way through two degrees, non profit wages, etc.) then telling her how I plan on rectifying matters.

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Ok. Start talking to your financial planner and CPA and get a good budget, tax strategy and saving plan together. Start reviewing and cutting down on redundant or unnecessary costs. Set up a viable and well organized financial plan. If you need extra income to pay off debts then consider moonlighting somewhere.

 

The problems will be recurrent unless you address the root cause rather than make excuses about student loans. Do this for YOUR future, not her or 'her need for security" or husband shopping maneuvers. Never put on an act for someone or use lies sadly only to attract gold-diggers.

 

Also stop talking about moving in. Be honest and tell her you are not ready to move in. Sidestep her husband hunting inquisitions. Your finances are none of her business.

we’re talking about moving in together in 2019.

Lately she’s been asking about my student debt, savings and plans to buy a home.

Thanks in advance

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Honestly, do you want to be with someone who is more interested in how you can provide her security than building a great relationship of working together and trust? If you feel bad about where you are and are going to lengths to hide your situation from her, where is the trust from your side?

 

Yes, she is most certainly looking to know if she has a nest she can be cozy in so she can start a family eventually, but if she is depending on you alone to build that for her, then perhaps she is not the right person to be with.

 

You've been together 16 months, in my mind it is time to tell her your situation - that you are struggling financially. She does not need to know the intricate details, she is not an auditor and should not have a say in your finances.

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Honestly, do you want to be with someone who is more interested in how you can provide her security than building a great relationship of working together and trust? If you feel bad about where you are and are going to lengths to hide your situation from her, where is the trust from your side?

 

Yes, she is most certainly looking to know if she has a nest she can be cozy in so she can start a family eventually, but if she is depending on you alone to build that for her, then perhaps she is not the right person to be with.

 

You've been together 16 months, in my mind it is time to tell her your situation - that you are struggling financially. She does not need to know the intricate details, she is not an auditor and should not have a say in your finances.

 

Disagree.

 

I wouldn’t be with someone who is financially irresponsible. Not because I need them to make me secure - but because I don’t want them to need ME to be secure.

 

There are multiple open threads right now about people being scared their partner is bad with money. Money is the cause of most fights. Being honest about money is the first step.

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Agree. Tell her you are not in a position to keep doing the moving in, married, kids, picket fence talking. However after 16 mos, don't lead her on or waste her time if she's looking for mr financial security. Also you don't need to give her your P and L statement or the last three years tax returns or all your bank records.

 

If you feel she pushing you in a direction you're not ready for it's time to tell her you won't be buying a 5 BR house with a swimming pool and 2 brand new cars in the driveway anytime soon.

You've been together 16 months, in my mind it is time to tell her your situation - that you are struggling financially. She does not need to know the intricate details, she is not an auditor and should not have a say in your finances.

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I'd start with discussing expectations on both ends if you are to move in together. Does she see it as a step towards marriage? Do you?

 

Most of her questions are only necessary for someone looking to merge finances. Do you intend to do that?

 

When my bf and I were looking to move in together, we talked about expectations. How will finances, bills, chores be handled? Is it with an intent to marry? What are each of our major goals for the short term and longer term? Do they mesh?

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Thanks again all. Apologies for brief reply but I’m on my phone. I’ll addresss some notes from your replies:

 

• She earns her own money as a Nurse Practitioner and is saving as she currently lives with her parents

• She’s not a gold-digger by any stretch of the imagination as she’d have left me by now haha

• Wants: kids, security and freedom to travel

• Doesn’t want: her time wasted, someone who’ll rely on her

• We both want to marry each other as we talked jokingly and seriously about it

• I’m planning on telling her everything, including debts and monthly expenditures

• I’ve signed up for personal financing and budgeting help with a financial advisor (thanks to whoever suggested that)

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Excellent you are getting financial advice. Don't be her ticket out of daddy's house. She should have done that on her own years ago.

 

This is a huge red flag👇

he earns her own money as a Nurse Practitioner and is saving as she currently lives with her parents she currently lives with her parents
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she wants financial security and freedom

 

I am confused by this line...does she expect you to give her an independently wealthy lifestyle? Cuz, dude, she can go get that for herself!

 

You are working, have great credit, you are already ahead! If you have a car you drive and own, even more so.

 

I married a pauper. who didn't know about his own debt. But we talked about it when we were planning to get married.

 

If you are living hand to mouth, I would consider getting some additional P/T work, even if it's like 10 hours a week. If your credit is good, pay bills with a credit card and many do 2% cash back.

 

So, why are you in debt? Student loans? Loan-shark payments? Don't make much at your job?

 

If you can't afford rent, then let her know. But tell her your life goals. Where you want to be in 2 years, 5 years, and if you want her in it.

 

You can have all the money in the world, and still be alone. So don't get caught up that money buys happiness, or she's gonna leave mentality. What is wants is to know you think of her in your future, and possible when, and honesty.

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Thanks again all. Apologies for brief reply but I’m on my phone. I’ll addresss some notes from your replies:

 

• She earns her own money as a Nurse Practitioner and is saving as she currently lives with her parents

• She’s not a gold-digger by any stretch of the imagination as she’d have left me by now haha

• Wants: kids, security and freedom to travel

• Doesn’t want: her time wasted, someone who’ll rely on her

• We both want to marry each other as we talked jokingly and seriously about it

• I’m planning on telling her everything, including debts and monthly expenditures

• I’ve signed up for personal financing and budgeting help with a financial advisor (thanks to whoever suggested that)

Absolutely agreed with Wiseman in that there's something off about someone scrutinizing someone else's financial situation while they themselves live at home. Granted, I don't know the exacts of her situation, but I'd have a hard time believing she's living the same grind paying her parents market-rate rent. Which isn't to say there's anything wrong with saving up at home. It's just sort of a "glass houses" thing.

 

In your shoes, I'd tell her plainly that while you might like or hope to accomplish whatever financial milestones by whatever age, you're prioritizing your current outstanding responsibilities and can't commit to any time frame. If she wanted to scrutinize your situation more in-depth, again, I'd tell her in more polite terms to kick rocks. Still, how forthcoming or private you want to be with your details is entirely a subject of your own discretion.

 

What I would be prepared for is a difficult conversation after. You two are in very different situations. You're dredging through the swamplands working, paying rent, trying to get into the black. She's waiting in the helicopter saving up money at her parents' place. Not saying for sure she's the type, but the discrepancy does lend itself to resentment both with her 1) seemingly relying on you getting things together so that she can jointly achieve whatever she considers independence and security and 2) she's most likely going to be saving up a heck of a lot more money than you, which may fall into "someone relying on her" when or if ever you two get around to that down payment.

 

Also, you've got a 100% commission job. May be potentially lucrative, but generally speaking so is a nurse practitioner salary. For the sake of the financial stability of the kids she wants, it's probably going to be best she prioritizes her career and you play primary caregiver for the kids' early years. Would she be okay with that? Would you be? While it's probably too soon to have that conversation in a specific manner, it's something to think about while you two are considering your long-term compatibility.

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I told her my debt was about 3/4 of what it actually is but she knows what I earn(ed) and how my commission works so I’ve been upfront in that regard.

 

You think she's going to dump you because of the 1/4 of your debt that you didn't tell her about and for no other reason?

 

Something seems to be missing here.

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in the end.. here's your real answer (instead of all the riff raff and off-railing here).

be honest. always be honest.

if you do have thing you need to improve on, then work on those and share that with her too.

 

we tend to forget that our JOB during dating is to LEARN about the other person (and ourselves) to see if we are compatible. We hinder this process by hiding, altering, pretending, or try to control any part of the data required for that analysis to take place. She needs to know HONESTLY how you want to handle your finances -that's important to her. At the same time it's important to YOU to be honest and let her know the honest truth to see HER REACTION and how she handles it - so YOU know if she's the one for YOU!

 

We get so caught up in trying to win people over, and doing so by hiding truths, lying, pretending, controlling (there is another post on here about a girl who is dating a guy with no savingins and actually MANAGING his funds and forcing him to manage his money the way she wants him to... she's hindering the "compatibility analysis" process the other direction - by controlling him TOO much she isn't going to learn what he does naturally and by his own choice - so she can't know if he's truly going to be compatible for her or not!!)

 

So be honest.. always. Not only so your partner can assess your compatibility for them. but YOU can then assess their compatilibty for YOU based on how they handle YOUR reality.

 

Pretty simple folks. Stop hindering the process. This is why 5 in 10 marraiges divorce - verybody hinders the process and focuses on winning people over or "looking good" to "not lose" people instead. bah!

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This is why 5 in 10 marraiges divorce - verybody hinders the process and focuses on winning people over or "looking good" to "not lose" people instead. bah!

 

Marriages end in divorce for any number of reasons not necessarily because everybody hinders the process and focuses on looking good and winning people over.

 

How about .. lets see.. sexual infidelity, financial infidelity, differences in child rearing philosophy, physical abuse, drug addiction, personality disorders, taking different paths in life, growing apart, having different needs, etc?

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I don’t get why people are saying it’s bad she lives at home. Maybe that’s the best financial decision for her.

 

Seriously! If you have to pay off your own student loans, it's the most responsible decision you can make.

 

But anyway... he didn't say she was scrutinizing his finances. He just happened to lie about his financial situation when they spoke about it. No wonder he has anxiety now.

 

I think he should just come clean about what's going on. It's a totally appropriate conversation to have when two people are planning to move in together. How do you expect to be a partner if you throw all these walls up? So many relationships fail due to financial stress and poor communication. Plan for success and be open and honest with each other.

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Hey OP, how did you get around to fibbing about your student debt balance? Was it a point you thought would be fun to mention over steak or did she ask how much you have?

 

She asked in bed one morning and I just blurted out a number that was a fib but seemed reasonable. She shrugged and said "decent."

 

To address more questions/comments that have arose...

 

- She is not scrutinizing, she is inquiring which I feel is fair at our age/seriousness/considering living together

- Living at home is smart while she figures out her next steps

- I never got the vibe she's looking for someone to support her she truly wants to be with me and wants to know if I'm stable financially

- Yes, I am gainfully employed and own my own car

- My credit score is better than 35% of Canadians (according to a reputable credit bureau) although I'm at a high utilization lately

- This is the only thing I've deceived her about. We've been open about previous lovers, goals and family matters. I just haven't had the heart to tell her this but it's eating at me

- My next decision is about how much to disclose: monthly budgets with expenditures or simply "I'm living paycheque to paycheque and have no savings kthxbye"

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