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Thread: How to Tell my Girlfriend I’m Broke

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    Honestly, do you want to be with someone who is more interested in how you can provide her security than building a great relationship of working together and trust? If you feel bad about where you are and are going to lengths to hide your situation from her, where is the trust from your side?

    Yes, she is most certainly looking to know if she has a nest she can be cozy in so she can start a family eventually, but if she is depending on you alone to build that for her, then perhaps she is not the right person to be with.

    You've been together 16 months, in my mind it is time to tell her your situation - that you are struggling financially. She does not need to know the intricate details, she is not an auditor and should not have a say in your finances.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Keyman
    Honestly, do you want to be with someone who is more interested in how you can provide her security than building a great relationship of working together and trust? If you feel bad about where you are and are going to lengths to hide your situation from her, where is the trust from your side?

    Yes, she is most certainly looking to know if she has a nest she can be cozy in so she can start a family eventually, but if she is depending on you alone to build that for her, then perhaps she is not the right person to be with.

    You've been together 16 months, in my mind it is time to tell her your situation - that you are struggling financially. She does not need to know the intricate details, she is not an auditor and should not have a say in your finances.
    Disagree.

    I wouldn’t be with someone who is financially irresponsible. Not because I need them to make me secure - but because I don’t want them to need ME to be secure.

    There are multiple open threads right now about people being scared their partner is bad with money. Money is the cause of most fights. Being honest about money is the first step.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Agree. Tell her you are not in a position to keep doing the moving in, married, kids, picket fence talking. However after 16 mos, don't lead her on or waste her time if she's looking for mr financial security. Also you don't need to give her your P and L statement or the last three years tax returns or all your bank records.

    If you feel she pushing you in a direction you're not ready for it's time to tell her you won't be buying a 5 BR house with a swimming pool and 2 brand new cars in the driveway anytime soon.
    Originally Posted by Keyman
    You've been together 16 months, in my mind it is time to tell her your situation - that you are struggling financially. She does not need to know the intricate details, she is not an auditor and should not have a say in your finances.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I'd start with discussing expectations on both ends if you are to move in together. Does she see it as a step towards marriage? Do you?

    Most of her questions are only necessary for someone looking to merge finances. Do you intend to do that?

    When my bf and I were looking to move in together, we talked about expectations. How will finances, bills, chores be handled? Is it with an intent to marry? What are each of our major goals for the short term and longer term? Do they mesh?

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  6. #15
    Silver Member Goodfellas's Avatar
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    Thanks again all. Apologies for brief reply but I’m on my phone. I’ll addresss some notes from your replies:

    • She earns her own money as a Nurse Practitioner and is saving as she currently lives with her parents
    • She’s not a gold-digger by any stretch of the imagination as she’d have left me by now haha
    • Wants: kids, security and freedom to travel
    • Doesn’t want: her time wasted, someone who’ll rely on her
    • We both want to marry each other as we talked jokingly and seriously about it
    • I’m planning on telling her everything, including debts and monthly expenditures
    • I’ve signed up for personal financing and budgeting help with a financial advisor (thanks to whoever suggested that)

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Excellent you are getting financial advice. Don't be her ticket out of daddy's house. She should have done that on her own years ago.

    This is a huge red flag👇
    Originally Posted by Goodfellas
    he earns her own money as a Nurse Practitioner and is saving as she currently lives with her parents she currently lives with her parents

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Goodfellas
    she wants financial security and freedom
    I am confused by this line...does she expect you to give her an independently wealthy lifestyle? Cuz, dude, she can go get that for herself!

    You are working, have great credit, you are already ahead! If you have a car you drive and own, even more so.

    I married a pauper. who didn't know about his own debt. But we talked about it when we were planning to get married.

    If you are living hand to mouth, I would consider getting some additional P/T work, even if it's like 10 hours a week. If your credit is good, pay bills with a credit card and many do 2% cash back.

    So, why are you in debt? Student loans? Loan-shark payments? Don't make much at your job?

    If you can't afford rent, then let her know. But tell her your life goals. Where you want to be in 2 years, 5 years, and if you want her in it.

    You can have all the money in the world, and still be alone. So don't get caught up that money buys happiness, or she's gonna leave mentality. What is wants is to know you think of her in your future, and possible when, and honesty.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Goodfellas
    Thanks again all. Apologies for brief reply but I’m on my phone. I’ll addresss some notes from your replies:

    • She earns her own money as a Nurse Practitioner and is saving as she currently lives with her parents
    • She’s not a gold-digger by any stretch of the imagination as she’d have left me by now haha
    • Wants: kids, security and freedom to travel
    • Doesn’t want: her time wasted, someone who’ll rely on her
    • We both want to marry each other as we talked jokingly and seriously about it
    • I’m planning on telling her everything, including debts and monthly expenditures
    • I’ve signed up for personal financing and budgeting help with a financial advisor (thanks to whoever suggested that)
    Absolutely agreed with Wiseman in that there's something off about someone scrutinizing someone else's financial situation while they themselves live at home. Granted, I don't know the exacts of her situation, but I'd have a hard time believing she's living the same grind paying her parents market-rate rent. Which isn't to say there's anything wrong with saving up at home. It's just sort of a "glass houses" thing.

    In your shoes, I'd tell her plainly that while you might like or hope to accomplish whatever financial milestones by whatever age, you're prioritizing your current outstanding responsibilities and can't commit to any time frame. If she wanted to scrutinize your situation more in-depth, again, I'd tell her in more polite terms to kick rocks. Still, how forthcoming or private you want to be with your details is entirely a subject of your own discretion.

    What I would be prepared for is a difficult conversation after. You two are in very different situations. You're dredging through the swamplands working, paying rent, trying to get into the black. She's waiting in the helicopter saving up money at her parents' place. Not saying for sure she's the type, but the discrepancy does lend itself to resentment both with her 1) seemingly relying on you getting things together so that she can jointly achieve whatever she considers independence and security and 2) she's most likely going to be saving up a heck of a lot more money than you, which may fall into "someone relying on her" when or if ever you two get around to that down payment.

    Also, you've got a 100% commission job. May be potentially lucrative, but generally speaking so is a nurse practitioner salary. For the sake of the financial stability of the kids she wants, it's probably going to be best she prioritizes her career and you play primary caregiver for the kids' early years. Would she be okay with that? Would you be? While it's probably too soon to have that conversation in a specific manner, it's something to think about while you two are considering your long-term compatibility.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Goodfellas
    I told her my debt was about 3/4 of what it actually is but she knows what I earn(ed) and how my commission works so I’ve been upfront in that regard.
    You think she's going to dump you because of the 1/4 of your debt that you didn't tell her about and for no other reason?

    Something seems to be missing here.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    I don’t get why people are saying it’s bad she lives at home. Maybe that’s the best financial decision for her.

    And I agree with the above. Something does seem off.

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