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Thread: Cheated on and pregnant

  1. #1

    Cheated on and pregnant

    My partner of 2years went to a friends wedding 6months who I wasn’t invited but his ex gf was in attendance, anyway long story short he ended up sleeping with his ex gf (she got great pleasure out of messaging me the next day and giving me all the details) I immediately pulled my boyfriend up who first denied it then admitted it a day later saying he respected me and loved me and the children too much, it was a “drunken mistake” he contacted his ex and launched a tirade of abuse telling her to leave me alone. I’m pregnant with our child I was in early stages when this happened, I thought we could just move on and forget what happened but I’m struggling, I have a resentment inside of me and every time he’s out or messaging on the phone I can’t help but send myself crazy. He swears he’s been loyal ever since and would never hurt me again but I feel like I’m killing myself and our relationship by holding so much inside me. Some days it’s as if it never happened other days and nights it’s all I think about, I’ve even had nightmares over it.
    Do I quit now and save myself heartache

  2. #2
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Normally I'd just say drop him and move on, but you have children together, so I think that you need to at least try to work this out. By work this out, I don't mean that he brushes it off as a drunken mistake while you go crazy dealing with broken trust, anger, hurt, resentment and so on. You both need to try couple's counseling as well as individual counseling. He can't get away with "oh it was just a mistake" because cheating is never a mistake, it's a willful act and you need help to get past this. Even if you do end up dumping him, you still need help letting this go so you don't carry the scars and hurt forward into your next relationship.

    If he refuses counseling, dump him. Btw, you are 100% entitled to scream, yell, cry and otherwise let him have it. Don't pretend you are OK, because what he did is not and he needs to know and more importantly, he needs to do whatever it takes to regain your trust and heal your relationship. Anyway, do seek proper help and advice on how to cope and then see if that helps or not and make decisions accordingly.

    Some time ago I read a great article from a psychiatrist who basically said that it takes about a year for the cheated on partner to start to calm down, BUT if it's been a year and you are still raw and can't forgive and move forward, then you need to end the relationship at that point. Besides that, you know yourself best in terms whether that's something you could ever forgive and get past or never. If you know deep down that it's over, best to move on now.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I'm just going to repeat this:
    If he refuses counseling, dump him.
    There is no way you two are going to go on healthily with that kind of elephant in the room. You need help in getting the pachyderm out and gone. Your hormones are going to likely cause you to have even more of the anxiety you are suffering through after the baby is born.

    Good luck, I hope you can work through it.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm really sorry about this.

    Just going add to the chorus and say: counseling, couples and individual. People get through this—and I hope you guys can—and that's really where the professionals come in.

    For what it's worth, I have some good friends who went through something similar, though she was the one who cheated while in the early stages of pregnancy. They already had two kids. I won't bore you with drama since you're living your version. The first year was beyond hard—lots of moments where both were convinced there was no chance.

    But they got through it and I have to say they really have an incredible, inspiring marriage. Both credit that chapter as one where they were forced to find forms of strength (and love) that they didn't know they were capable of. Needless to say, a lot of therapy was involved.

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  6. #5
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    You can't just "move on" from his cheating, it's got to be talked through and dealt with not swept under a rug.

    As it currently stands you can't believe a word he says.

    Do you quit now? Odds are your relationship will ultimately fail, and even if you stay together the trust has probably been irrepairably damaged, so if you're looking for votes I'd say yes, dump him but make sure he's responsible for supporting the child.

  7. #6
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    Maybe I’m just in some kind of mood - but while I would normally place the “blame” of cheating 100% on the cheating partner in the relationship (and not on the 3rd party) - this one sounds particularly vindictive to me? What kind of woman sleeps with a man knowing he has a girlfriend and then gleefully runs to her to tell her all the details?!? Did she know you are pregnant? I’m so sorry, OP. I am fuming for you over here. That’s not a “mistake”. That’s a special brand of evil.

    ... and why weren’t you his +1 to the wedding anyways if you’ve been dating that long and are pregnant?

    I agree that counseling is in order. I think that together you really need to understand what is going on here. Is his intent to be with you forever (especially now that a baby is on the way)? If so, marriage should be on the table once you’ve rebuilt trust. Is he simply doing his “duty” and doesn’t see things as long term? (Which is the way he is acting..) If so, best to know that now before the baby arrives and to make arrangements and have expectations of being a single mom. This way you are at least free to find your happiness.

    Sweeping this under the rug will only lead to resentments and will break the relationship eventually anyways.

    Counseling to get to the bottom of things and ensure you are on the same page (which will also help when the additional strain of a baby arrives)... or leave. Those are the two viable options, IMO. This is not the time to “go with the flow” and just “see what happens” in my opinion.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by RedDress
    Maybe I’m just in some kind of mood - but while I would normally place the “blame” of cheating 100% on the cheating partner in the relationship (and not on the 3rd party) - this one sounds particularly vindictive to me? What kind of woman sleeps with a man knowing he has a girlfriend and then gleefully runs to her to tell her all the details?!? Did she know you are pregnant? I’m so sorry, OP. I am fuming for you over here. That’s not a “mistake”. That’s a special brand of evil.

    ... and why weren’t you his +1 to the wedding anyways if you’ve been dating that long and are pregnant?

    I agree that counseling is in order. I think that together you really need to understand what is going on here. Is his intent to be with you forever (especially now that a baby is on the way)? If so, marriage should be on the table once you’ve rebuilt trust. Is he simply doing his “duty” and doesn’t see things as long term? (Which is the way he is acting..) If so, best to know that now before the baby arrives and to make arrangements and have expectations of being a single mom. This way you are at least free to find your happiness.

    Sweeping this under the rug will only lead to resentments and will break the relationship eventually anyways.

    Counseling to get to the bottom of things and ensure you are on the same page (which will also help when the additional strain of a baby arrives)... or leave. Those are the two viable options, IMO. This is not the time to “go with the flow” and just “see what happens” in my opinion.
    Totally, the mistress seems disguntingly evil.

    I think the only way of you two moving on to a better place in the relationship (that is, if you decide so) is to have both couple and individual therapy. Also, he needs to take responsibility for what he's done and put in the effort to make you trust him again. I don't mean that should turn controlling psycho, that's no way to live or to rebuild a relationship, but he needs to be totally transparent and show you through actions that he's sorry and you can trust he's not repeating this stunt again.

  9. #8
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    How was your relationship prior to this, OP? Why were you not invited to this wedding?

    I'm trying to get a sense of the greater context here and figure out if there's a history of shady behaviour from him. I would also be trying to establish if it was more than a one-night-stand with the ex, and if they've been getting close again leading up to this wedding. She seems to want to stick it to him, and that would make me wonder if he's been dishonest with her too.

    As the others have said, you won't be able to just "move on and forget" about this. It is a deep betrayal of trust and you cannot (and should not) simply take his word that he won't do it again. You now know that he has no problem lying to you and telling you what he thinks you want to hear, so a vague verbal promise is completely insufficient in working past this.

    I would absolutely go into couple's counselling. If he refuses, I would start making plans to co-parent separately. I'm sorry you're going through this. Cheating is always awful, but it's particularly hideous when you are pregnant with his baby.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    The ex can be as evil as she wants, the blame here is your boyfriend. He needs to learn how to control himself.

    You need to get through the pain with all of this and he should allow you to. I too say that being as you've got children together that possibly you should try to remain together.

    But he needs personal counselling and you both needs couples counselling if you want a chance at all.

    If he refuses, then he's not sorry and you should start parting ways and talking about child support etc.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Do you live together? Are there plans for marriage? Why weren't you invited to this wedding? Sadly there are a lot of red flags here that indicate a general lack of integrity including not being invited (as his partner), lying until she contacted you, etc. Also this cheating took place 1.5 years into the relationship. The honeymoon period.

    It sounds like she went psycho on him because he lied to her about having a pregnant live-in gf until she found you on social media so he's strung her along as well. Sadly it's not just the cheating, it's a lack of moral compass, a lack of treating you as a real partner and a lack of honesty for his own "fun". This may indicate red flags for selfishness and/or immaturity which will be grossly magnified once a child and real life responsibilities come along.
    Originally Posted by SashaWelch
    My partner of 2years went to a friends wedding 6months who I wasn’t invited but his ex gf was i

    he ended up sleeping with his ex gf (she got great pleasure out of messaging me the next day and giving me all the details.

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