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Thread: I feel like I'm immature

  1. #21
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    And I think you're right, it's ok to admit we're not ready. I think we're conditioned to believe that we all should be wanting and feeling ready right from the start and we should be perfect at being a mother and a wife as if it's all already ingrained in us automatically. But we're all different and we all have our pace and not everyone wants the same things and that's ok.

    I would resist the temptation to blame society or what you believe society tells us. Or that we're conditioned like sheep. I have never ever heard anyone say that out loud -that we're supposed to be perfect at being a mother or a wife- or want it, etc. Sure some people might say that - but if you interact with individuals rather than focus on articles posted on facebooks or broad concepts about equality and feminism and bias etc- you'll see a very wide range of opinions on all those life stages. Of course not everyone wants the same things.

    As far as being alone - you might end up alone for sure. Life happens. Women get married and then divorced, or their husbands pass away or have a medical condition and can't help with the baby, etc etc. And you would be fine. Yes, it's far better to start out with a stable two parent family IMO but there are no guarantees after that. I married someone who wanted children as much as I did and he shows it every day. He also is a person who travels a lot and the first 7 years he also traveled a lot to take care of his aging parents. Our parents are really supportive and physically could not help us with child care. I knew that going in. It was really hard -still is since we have no family here but not as hard as when he was a baby/toddler and my inlaws were alive and needing care.

    But yes the what ifs and the generalizations about the shoulds are counterproductive IMO.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    And I think you're right, it's ok to admit we're not ready. I think we're conditioned to believe that we all should be wanting and feeling ready right from the start and we should be perfect at being a mother and a wife as if it's all already ingrained in us automatically. But we're all different and we all have our pace and not everyone wants the same things and that's ok.

    I would resist the temptation to blame society or what you believe society tells us. Or that we're conditioned like sheep. I have never ever heard anyone say that out loud -that we're supposed to be perfect at being a mother or a wife- or want it, etc. Sure some people might say that - but if you interact with individuals rather than focus on articles posted on facebooks or broad concepts about equality and feminism and bias etc- you'll see a very wide range of opinions on all those life stages. Of course not everyone wants the same things.

    As far as being alone - you might end up alone for sure. Life happens. Women get married and then divorced, or their husbands pass away or have a medical condition and can't help with the baby, etc etc. And you would be fine. Yes, it's far better to start out with a stable two parent family IMO but there are no guarantees after that. I married someone who wanted children as much as I did and he shows it every day. He also is a person who travels a lot and the first 7 years he also traveled a lot to take care of his aging parents. Our parents are really supportive and physically could not help us with child care. I knew that going in. It was really hard -still is since we have no family here but not as hard as when he was a baby/toddler and my inlaws were alive and needing care.

    But yes the what ifs and the generalizations about the shoulds are counterproductive IMO.
    I agree, I was talking about this general expectation for woman, but I've never really experienced this that much in my circle. I know that life happens and that I could end up alone for some reason, but stressing about it beforehand or imagine that my future is going to be like that counterproductive also and makes me feel sad and worried. But on the other hand, I agree that we should be realistic and build the resilience and independency necessary to navigate through life when we have to face the hardships alone. It's great to have people around, but we shouldn't depend on anyone exclusively weather it's emotionally, financially or whatever.

    Wanting to build more emotional independence and a better sense of self, is one of the reasons why I put dating on the backburner for a while and it did wonders for me. I just hope I'm sufficiently apt to deal with the curveballs life might through at me. But reading your experiences and other's who also went through big challenges gives me hope.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Annia
    I agree, I was talking about this general expectation for woman, but I've never really experienced this that much in my circle. I know that life happens and that I could end up alone for some reason, but stressing about it beforehand or imagine that my future is going to be like that counterproductive also and makes me feel sad and worried. But on the other hand, I agree that we should be realistic and build the resilience and independency necessary to navigate through life when we have to face the hardships alone. It's great to have people around, but we shouldn't depend on anyone exclusively weather it's emotionally, financially or whatever.

    Wanting to build more emotional independence and a better sense of self, is one of the reasons why I put dating on the backburner for a while and it did wonders for me. I just hope I'm sufficiently apt to deal with the curveballs life might through at me. But reading your experiences and other's who also went through big challenges gives me hope.
    I don't agree that there is a general expectation for women to be perfect wives and mothers. Maybe that's been written somewhere but I don't think people believe that or that that's the general expectation.

    If you believe that not dating is required to build emotional independence and a better sense of self -go for it. I found the opposite was true for me although I shied away from abstract notions of "sense of self" and "emotional independence". For me dating and meeting people and being proactive about meeting people helped me further my goal of marriage and family and I learned about myself along the way. I don't believe I need to be emotionally independent at all times no matter if I'm married and single.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I don't agree that there is a general expectation for women to be perfect wives and mothers. Maybe that's been written somewhere but I don't think people believe that or that that's the general expectation.

    If you believe that not dating is required to build emotional independence and a better sense of self -go for it. I found the opposite was true for me although I shied away from abstract notions of "sense of self" and "emotional independence". For me dating and meeting people and being proactive about meeting people helped me further my goal of marriage and family and I learned about myself along the way. I don't believe I need to be emotionally independent at all times no matter if I'm married and single.
    I didn't decide to totally stop dating like in taking a sabatic year or something, I just needed to take a break because I was too focused on it for reasons that weren't healthy and so it was keeping me from making good and healthy decisions, so I had to put it in the back burner and focus on other things. I had 1 or 2 dates during that break that happened naturally without me pursuing anything actively but they never span out into anything. Then I began dating more actively but taking it easy and weeding out the non matches more assertively. I needed to take that break first. Also the move to this country and the challenges of the new job made it so that I didn't have the mental energy to date and didn't want to make decisions based on my isolation and loneliness.

    But now that I'm more adapted and more relaxed, turned on to online dating again and I met someone. It's all in the very beginning but so far so good.

    From what I read from your posts you seem to have had healthier boundaries than I had, despite actively pursuing the goal of finding a husband. I think I didn't have your assertiveness and self respect in the past.

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  6. #25
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    I didn't always have healthy boundaries ,that's for sure! I understand that you don't want to make decisions from a place of loneliness/desperation -makes perfect sense. Dating takes the same energy a job does in terms of making a plan, keeping a plan, showing up and making a good first impression. It did feel like a part time job at times. And I faked it till I made it. Often when I walked into a restaurant I told myself (silently!) "you are glamorous" or "this is a tea party". I don't believe myself to be glamorous and have been to 3 formal tea parties in my life (two at the time I used to say this to myself - for first dates and stressful work meetings!) .

    I think dating also can help you reinforce self-respect and healthy boundaries - because you're not thinking of it in a vacuum -you're forced to make those decisions regularly.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I didn't always have healthy boundaries ,that's for sure! I understand that you don't want to make decisions from a place of loneliness/desperation -makes perfect sense. Dating takes the same energy a job does in terms of making a plan, keeping a plan, showing up and making a good first impression. It did feel like a part time job at times. And I faked it till I made it. Often when I walked into a restaurant I told myself (silently!) "you are glamorous" or "this is a tea party". I don't believe myself to be glamorous and have been to 3 formal tea parties in my life (two at the time I used to say this to myself - for first dates and stressful work meetings!) .

    I think dating also can help you reinforce self-respect and healthy boundaries - because you're not thinking of it in a vacuum -you're forced to make those decisions regularly.
    I agree with you on the aspect that dating can make us learn by trial and error what works and doesn't work for us and to make those decision and enforcing boundaries. I think that exposure to dating also makes us put things in perspective and don't have a scarcity mind.

    I think my pause was good for me for those reasons I stated. I was in a very unhealthy place emotionally a few years ago and made some bad decisions.

    Also, like you I need some pep talk to myself because I'm introverted and tend to feel nervous when I meet new people. So dating a lot takes a big toll on my energy levels. But I also shifted my perspective that it's not a big deal if things don't end up working out. Dating is a good time to have fun and most importantly to scan if the person has good partner potential or not (if the goal is a long term relationship/marriage). I think that I'm in a more healthy place to make that screening and make those decisions and have build a more pragmatic emotional distance to differentiate between good matches and bad matches.

    But yes, like you say it also comes with practice.

  8. #27
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    You've come so far - wow!

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    You've come so far - wow!
    Thank you. I cringe when I read some of the things I've written on this forum years ago, how my priorities were so twisted and how my boundaries were so weak or with some of the things I've done in the past, but I'm learning to forgive myself lol

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Annia
    Thank you. I cringe when I read some of the things I've written on this forum years ago, how my priorities were so twisted and how my boundaries were so weak or with some of the things I've done in the past, but I'm learning to forgive myself lol
    We're all right there with you, promise!

  11. #30
    I don't think you are immature at all. The fact that you thought about all of this shows your maturity. I know it's difficult, but try not to compare your life with others. No one wins in a comparison game. You either feel inferior or you feel superior. Either one is not desireable. Understand that no matter how perfect someone seems to the outside world, everyone is fighting a battle. It could be financial, marriage, children, work - everyone has problems. Instead, evaluate your life based on your terms. Are you happy with your life right now? Think aboutg where you were 5 years ago compared to now. Be proud of how far you have come. Now, think about where you want to be 5 years from now, make a plan, and work to get there. Realize that those mothers who you envy for their kids and their families are probably looking at you, envious of your freedom and single life. As for the party, I thought that was very considerate of you to stay and help clean. I'm sure the host was very appreciative for some help. Cooking may not be your strength, but you thought of a way to compensate for it, which is admirable. Don't sell yourself short. It sounds like you are an amazing person! Don't rush things - your future will unfold at the right time. Take care.

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