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Thread: Had an OCD meltdown yesterday, have to vent

  1. #1
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    Had an OCD meltdown yesterday, have to vent

    Hey everyone. I'm not sure where the right place to post this is, but it's basically about OCD and how fed up I am with it.

    I do feel really alone with this, and I have a big problem with magical crazy thinking and fear of contamination. This is among a delightful array of other OCD strains which I have to deal with every day. I'm actually really afraid of posting this, as I feel really ashamed of my inability to fight harder right now.

    I've been essentially trapped in another country whilst a divorce goes through - and I've been struggling to survive in the meantime. Incredibly I think it's been about 2 years since I broke up with my ex. I can't tell you how hard this has been and how bad the depression has been along the way, plus the OCD. I'm weeks away from finally moving back home.

    Anyway, since I got back from holiday to my apartment from being back home for 2 weeks, I just wanted to change my bed sheets. Last time I slept here was with my gf 2 weeks ago, and I'm usually fine with bits of dried blood or something when I know who / where it came from, basically me and my gf. She is the only person who has ever slept with me in that bed. And yes, I've tried to reassure myself with basic facts like what can actually survive outside of the body and this kind of thing, but every time I look at the bed I still get STUCK. Rooted to the spot in absolute anxiety and panic.

    What's changed? My gf got a cold sore a few days ago. We've not met up since I got back yet, as she wants to give the cold sore a while to go away. Anyway I know this is a virus, and which one, and it's not like I'm cleaning my entire apartment. It was just the blood which freaked me out when combined with knowing she has a cold sore. I've changed those sheets before with the odd spot or two (and this is only from us sleeping together immediately following end of period) but this time I'm stuck and it's completely irrational, and it's classic OCD.

    To get on with my life in the meantime I've slept in the spare room on a sofa bed, and I feel terrible about this. I feel weak and ashamed of making this decision. I'm sick of being at the mercy of this nonsense. If I put those clean sheets on, and sleep there tonight, it is statistically impossible that anything bad will happen - yet I fear waking up in the morning, having to go to work - and getting stuck with fear of OCD and not being able to go into work. I can't let THAT happen because then I'm totally screwed and that's just too awful to contemplate. So that is why I've, so far, made that decision to let the OCD have its way.

    I want to have a crack at using the bed again, maybe not today - maybe I will feel better in a few days (getting over jetlag and feeling spaced out right now) and will just think yes I'll get this done. I feel like I'm inches from my mind being OK with it, it's so frustrating.

    Can anyone relate to this?

    I've resolved to get back into therapy when I get back to my home country (services are MUCH better there) and start fighting back, and make things better post divorce. Mentally I've been in a bad bad place for a few years, some seriously not good thoughts in my head and low self esteem. Have to change this for the better. It's desperate stuff sometimes.

    My gf has been wonderfully supportive, and I've been totally honest with her about my OCD so far. She is really desperate to help, but knows it's basically down to me. I'm really worried that I won't be able to face seeing her due to this OCD, and this is how I know it's all just gone too far. I thought I was getting by, but I look at this and I'm just thinking this is really BAD.

    Beyond upset, totally broken yesterday and just trying to get back on track today.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Hopefully you are getting medical and psychological support for the OCD, it's exhausting. Also do you notice an uptick in it when stressed, tired, jet-lagged, etc?. It's ok to settle down, relax and get back to normal and sleep on the couch until you feel like addressing things.

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Hopefully you are getting medical and psychological support for the OCD, it's exhausting. Also do you notice an uptick in it when stressed, tired, jet-lagged, etc?. It's ok to settle down, relax and get back to normal and sleep on the couch until you feel like addressing things.
    Omg Wiseman, thank you soooo much for saying this! Brings me to tears... saying it's ok for me to try and ready myself. Thank you so much, I'm literally crying now.

    Yes, my OCD spikes when I'm stressed and tired. I have not been getting any psychological support for this, or medical. It was manageable until my marriage started to break down and then with long work hours and fatigue I think it has spun out of control.

  4. #4
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I has been has had very successful therapy and medication treatment for OCD . He no longer has spikes and crippling anxiety . He did several years of CBT and takes the medication Zoloft . OCD no longer controls his life . When you get home maybe you can explore those avenues .

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    No medical advice just hugs - germ free cyber hugs. No I am not making light of it just that I get it. I am not OCD and I found after I had my son almost 10 years ago I became much much more germ averse. Before that I had emetophobia and it subsided after almost 30 years of it and it also hampered my lifestyle etc. so I get it. I worry a lot about food spoilage and flu and viruses etc. my husband is not like this so itís challenging and I know I donít want my son to be like that but I definitely restrict him on average more than other parents. So I get how you donít want to subject your girlfriend to this. Does worst case scenario thinking help at all? What helps me is 4-7-8 breathing Weill method - google it - when I am anxious and need perspective. I also do worst case etc. and I realize therapy is probably optimal for you not a strangerís input! Hang in and Iím sorry youíre going through this.

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    A decade ago, my OCD was bad where if I didn't fold a bed sheet correctly, something bad would happen, so of course, it'd take me 20 minutes to fold a fricken bed sheet. All these figurines had to line up, or something bad would happen.

    What helped me is dealing with stress from life and work. And forcing myself to just let a corner lay where it may, and retraining my bed to think differently. I think it's time to go see someone, just to retrain your brain, and get new tools on how to manage. Get you back on track.

    Haven't had an issue since. Sometimes I am aware of wanting to do something because of it, but I think about it, and don't do it. Like picking up a coin on heads. People don't realize that these traits are a minor form of manageable OCD.

    It can get better! It's okay to get some help time to time.

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    Forum Supporter Jibralta's Avatar
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    You have nothing to be ashamed of. You haven't done anything bad; you're just suffering. The additional stress may be making things worse than usual for you. Have you ever tried cognitive behavioral therapy? I've heard it can be very effective.

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    Plenty of people would not feel good about sleeping on 2 week old sheets regardless of who slept on them prior.

    It's okay to cater to some degrees of cleanliness without feeling like a freak. There's a bed vacuum called 'Raycop' you may want to consider that 'cleans the unseen,' so you can neutralize and remove dust mites and germs from your bedding before entering your bed.

    If something like this would offer you comfort and better sleep, then wouldn't you be less likely to ramp up the volume on the ODC because you're well rested?

    Your goal of overcoming fears in order to remain functional and employed are rational and healthy. Your choice to avoid climbing into an unhygienic bed needn't be attributed to a symptom, but rather, it's a reasonable decision and nothing to reel into mindspins about.

    Sometimes rational choices are just rational choices. Credit yourself for that, and indulge yourself where you feel it's appropriate without shame.

    Head high.

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    Thanks for the replies, this has really helped me forgive myself a little for caving when I didn't want to cave.

    Lastnight I was messaging my gf, pretty much the only friend I have here - and I feel terrible about the prospect of my OCD not letting me see her again. I am really worried about this. Although I managed to get a day's work and "feeling normal" under my belt today, and right now I feel kinda "safe", I just don't know if I can get past this.

    I saw my usual doctor today who has listened to me enough in the past freaking out about STD infections, and he basically said look if your gf isn't having cold sores you've got a 1/500 chance at-best of catching the virus. Sure that was reassuring, but I was hoping he would help reassure about putting the clean sheets on my bed and using it. He agreed there was absolutely no danger in the slightest.

    I'm home now and aiming to get through this week and go for a long run at the weekend. Maybe that will give me the brain chemicals to get past this and start using my bed again, I don't know.

    Also during today I started to realise how much this thing has eaten away at my life, infecting just about every waking hour. Getting up, washing, getting out the apartment, going to work, at work, coming home, just everything. I've given in to it way too much, but it's the best I've been able to do. I feel bad about this. I don't have a lot of respect for myself a lot of the time.

    I had one win today against my OCD which was unusual. I have this ritual where I get to the top of one particular escalator on my way to work, and for the last few months (guess this started maybe in March or something) I had to wait at the top of the escalator to watch people come up and go on their way. I think this was due to fear of having knocked someone down the escalator on my way up, causing them to fall down and get injured or worse.

    Today I had a moment of clarity where I realised it was ludicrous, and in that moment I resolved to just carry on walking when I got to the top - and not look back. And I did just that.

    I've been waiting at the top of that escalator for 1 or 2 minutes every day of work for at least 6 months. Not today. This means I don't have to do it again.

    I am baffled at how I can seemingly randomly dismiss rituals like this, yet at other times get stuck.

    I also sensed today, that because I knew I am finally going home, I felt less stressed. I'm in the final weeks of my job, and the pressure is easing. I seriously doubt I would have been able to make that simple gain if I was stressed out with work and pressure. My job has been extremely stressful this past 2 years, clocking 11 days on average and feeling totally exhausted mentally. This may have compromised my ability to battle my OCD, and a reason why I've lost so much territory to it.

    I'm building a map of my OCD that affects me each day so I can look at how seriously it is impacting me, so that it can help motivate me to win some of my life back.

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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Plenty of people would not feel good about sleeping on 2 week old sheets regardless of who slept on them prior.

    It's okay to cater to some degrees of cleanliness without feeling like a freak. There's a bed vacuum called 'Raycop' you may want to consider that 'cleans the unseen,' so you can neutralize and remove dust mites and germs from your bedding before entering your bed.

    If something like this would offer you comfort and better sleep, then wouldn't you be less likely to ramp up the volume on the ODC because you're well rested?

    Your goal of overcoming fears in order to remain functional and employed are rational and healthy. Your choice to avoid climbing into an unhygienic bed needn't be attributed to a symptom, but rather, it's a reasonable decision and nothing to reel into mindspins about.

    Sometimes rational choices are just rational choices. Credit yourself for that, and indulge yourself where you feel it's appropriate without shame.

    Head high.
    Thank you :)

    I have indulged myself, but prioritised getting to work and not falling out of life over using my bed. I didn't think I had much choice, as taking a gamble in my current state of mind seems too much of gamble. If I feel strong and optimistic, that would be better. I still don't know what to do about the bed. I thought maybe of using hand sanitiser on every inch of the mattress to see if that helps, but I just think that's going too far. But would it get me back into my bed? I don't know what to do. If the bed is there with no sheets and mattress, and no duvet cover, for like 2 weeks, then what virus can live through that?? None. So maybe in 2 weeks I could put the clean sheets on, I don't know. I just want to get back on there, somehow.

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