blueowl32 Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 Is that a terrible idea, if I did that did I ruin the potential of him seeing me as long-term potential? I feel grossed out that I did it. And his interest seems waning. It could be that I wasn't attractive enough for him (he is very attractive) or that I was so easy that I slept with him the first date. Right now I feel terrible, I want to dig a hole and hide inside it. Please help. I now feel unattractive, but also easy, cheap. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 You can't undo it so just relax. Are you still dating him? Link to comment
blueowl32 Posted January 6, 2019 Author Share Posted January 6, 2019 You can't undo it so just relax. Are you still dating him? He did ask if I wanted to join him at a party the next night (he originally told me about) after the first date/ sex. I wasn't free to go. He isn't making too effort to text since our first date. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 Why didn't you suggest another get together? I wasn't free to go. Link to comment
blueowl32 Posted January 6, 2019 Author Share Posted January 6, 2019 Why didn't you suggest another get together? that was the night after the first date. Also I don't want to be chasing or sounding eager when he's not even that interested to further the convo. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 It simply means you know you made a mistake and next time you might make another choice. If he asked you to go to a party and you couldn't go, just ask him out on a date and make it a date that is public, stay sober and if you are not comfortable having sex again don't. Also I'd go and get checked for STDs asap just to make sure. And beating yourself up is counterproductive - it happened and after awhile that mindset of guilt etc is just self-indulgent when you could be out there doing fun/positive stuff. Link to comment
blueowl32 Posted January 6, 2019 Author Share Posted January 6, 2019 It simply means you know you made a mistake and next time you might make another choice. If he asked you to go to a party and you couldn't go, just ask him out on a date and make it a date that is public, stay sober and if you are not comfortable having sex again don't. Also I'd go and get checked for STDs asap just to make sure. And beating yourself up is counterproductive - it happened and after awhile that mindset of guilt etc is just self-indulgent when you could be out there doing fun/positive stuff. used a condom - should be ok? is it a mistake in the dating world to sleep with someone on a first date or is this personal question with no right or wrong answer? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 How did you meet? Online? In a bar/club? Work/school? Don't worry about texting. Simply ask him out. Don't try to turn anyone into a text buddy o try to build rapport that way. It's a turn off. he's not even that interested to further the convo. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 s it a mistake in the dating world to sleep with someone on a first date or is this personal question with no right or wrong answer? It depends on what you're looking for. If you want a short term fling or a one night stand, then so be it. But if you're looking for a partner and an actual relationship than yes, sleeping with them on the first date is a good way to knock that option out of the park. They won't take you as seriously and will view you as a fling. Link to comment
waffle Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 I slept with my xH the first night we met and we were together over 25 years (married for 22) so it can happen. But in general, yes, it's a bad idea--I wouldn't choose that approach again. Link to comment
Andrina Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 I don't know why but my co-worker divulged he and his future wife slept together on their first date. For them, it was lucky they hit it off and had the same relationship goals. Because that's what it is--luck, because you don't know the person well enough to know what their dating goals are and it takes longer to know if you're compatible in all ways. Whereas, a close friend of mine waited 4 months before being intimate and that relationship died 6 months later. Since this experience made you feel bad, in the future avoid going to each others homes until you feel comfortable the guy is interested in really getting to know you and wanting a similar dating experience before being intimate. Many of us, including me, have made decisions about giving the gift of our bodies sooner than we should have. As long as you learn from the experience, that's what counts. Take care. Link to comment
purplepaisley Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 First of all, you can't beat yourself up over this or lump yourself into some trampy category. Women are sexual beings too, and remember, he did the exact same thing. Just enjoy the experience (hopefully it was good), and in the future, you know to be more cautious, wait. I figure if sex causes men to run, you may as well get a couple dates out of him first. This will also allow yourself to see if he likes you and wants to see you for you, not a roll in the hay. We all know the stigma around women sleeping with men too early, and it's unfortunate, but don't get into this mindset that you're anything other than someone who hit it off so well, the sex was just a natural part of the date and the relationship...not ty, not trampy, not dirty. It's a sucky stigma, so you don't do it again. Life goes on. Be mindful of private places - home, even the car - where you get lost in the moment and clothes can come off easily. Go out a few times to know each other and see if you're on the same page. The thing is, with some guys, whether you sleep with them on the first date or the 10th, the potential to leave once the thrill of the chase is gone is very high, so you seriously can't beat yourself up over this. You just need to be confident in your own choices so that you're not second guessing yourself...jerks come and go. As far as him being distant? Sorry to hear. It seemed to go great and now this. Welcome to the club. Hopefully he'll come around. Date number two is a little early to be immersing you in the friend group, and he probably shouldn't have brought it up, but he did, and that leaves you feeling hurt, but are you really up for mixing it up with a bunch of people you don't know as a second date? I wouldn't be to keen on that myself. Hopefully he'll come around. Hopefully his avoidant behavior is because he knew he shouldn't have plopped this party on you...maybe because he's not ready or maybe because he feels like he's coming across as too codependent or clingy...either way, it seems too much too soon. See what happens with this guy, but revamp your thinking in the meantime. Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 I don't think it matters much what he thinks or feels, more about what and how you feel. I had sex with an ex the first night met and we dated six years, and got engaged. Broke up for reasons unrelated to sex. That said, sex was a huge part of our relationship, so in retrospect probably not the best idea and would not be so impulsiveness (and tbh reckless) again. I also know other couples in successful long term relationships who had sex the first date so it really depends. But again what's important is how it's making you feel. Whether it works out with this guy or not is yet to be seen, but in any event you learned something about yourself and moving forward the next time you're tempted to have first date sex, remember how you are feeling right now and make a different choice. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 I wouldn't sleep with someone the first night -have in the past-if I wanted more. Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 I wouldn't sleep with someone the first night -have in the past-if I wanted more. Yeah but the "if I wanted more" how would you know how much "more" you wanted with a particular guy on a first date? That was my mindset anyway, I met this man (ex I referred to in my post) felt amazing attraction and mutual energy, not having a clue where I wanted "it" to go, so went with it. As did he. It was a very impulsive decision based on nothing more than amazing attraction and chemistry. I had no expectations, the next day he called and asked me out on an official date, I did not expect that!! Anyway, just trying to explain the mindset, at least for me and perhaps for Blueowl too and any woman who chooses to have first date sex. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 Yeah but the "if I wanted more" how would you know how much "more" you wanted with a particular guy on a first date? That was my mindset anyway, I met this man (ex I referred to in my post) felt amazing attraction and mutual energy, not having a clue where I wanted "it" to go, so went with it. As did he. It was a very impulsive decision based on nothing more than amazing attraction and chemistry. I had no expectations, the next day he called and asked me out on an official date, I did not expect that!! Anyway, just trying to explain the mindset, at least for me and perhaps for Blueowl too and any woman who chooses to have first date sex. I'm not saying that it cannot happen, but in most cases it does not, as there is no emotional connection. Link to comment
blueowl32 Posted January 6, 2019 Author Share Posted January 6, 2019 Thanks for all your input. Anyways I was being a bit weird and he knows now I regretted what happened. He then said he didn't lose interest, but the opposite and that he's actually looking for a gf. He asked if I lost interest and I said I am not sure. (because I am having mixed feelings). Then he asked if I wanted to go for a meal tomorrow. But I don't know if words can be trusted. He really didn't text much after the date.. I feel he is out of my league, maybe hence why I am extra insecure... Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 Thanks for all your input. Anyways I was being a bit weird and he knows now I regretted what happened. He then said he didn't lose interest, but the opposite and that he's actually looking for a gf. He asked if I lost interest and I said I am not sure. (because I am having mixed feelings). Then he asked if I wanted to go for a meal tomorrow. Why dd you say that?? You need to reach out to this guy and see if he wants to get together. I can see why he has pulled back. "Out of your league." Why? Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 Thanks for all your input. Anyways I was being a bit weird and he knows now I regretted what happened. He then said he didn't lose interest, but the opposite and that he's actually looking for a gf. He asked if I lost interest and I said I am not sure. (because I am having mixed feelings). Then he asked if I wanted to go for a meal tomorrow. But I don't know if words can be trusted. He really didn't text much after the date.. I feel he is out of my league, maybe hence why I am extra insecure... Stop waving your insecurities all over. Go on the second date and give it a good shot. Don’t keep talking about how insecure you are - it’s clear you already told him some variant of that - just go and have fun Link to comment
blueowl32 Posted January 6, 2019 Author Share Posted January 6, 2019 Why did I say what? You need to reach out to this guy and see if he wants to get together. --> are you telling me what I have done or what I should do? Link to comment
blueowl32 Posted January 6, 2019 Author Share Posted January 6, 2019 Stop waving your insecurities all over. Go on the second date and give it a good shot. Don’t keep talking about how insecure you are - it’s clear you already told him some variant of that - just go and have fun I didn't tell him how I am insecure, I just said I didn't like having sex on first date. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 "Men go hard for what they want, but no one ever really want me... I see my female friends being spoilt, loved, doted on by their partners. I have no one. I went on dates, many of them. No men ever treat me or want me the way like they are 'truly into me' or that I am worth it. So many didn't even seem into me after the first date and contact dwindled. No one is ever crazy about me. No one is ever super keen about me. The ones I loved, I gave them everything and all I got was heartache. No men ever loved me and I doubt anyone ever will. I thought I was attractive. Why? Is it because I am not attractive enough? But I am giving up. I don't think I will ever be loved. What can I do to feel hopeful again?" You need to get your self esteem in check. Have you considered counseling? Link to comment
blueowl32 Posted January 6, 2019 Author Share Posted January 6, 2019 Why dd you say that?? You need to reach out to this guy and see if he wants to get together. I can see why he has pulled back. "Out of your league." Why? because physically, he's hot and really good looking. I am sure most girls will swoon all over him. I am just an ordinary girl next door, some might say I am attractive but I don't think I am attractive 'to get anyone I want / wrapped around my fingers' - but he is that. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 Why did I say what? You need to reach out to this guy and see if he wants to get together. --> are you telling me what I have done or what I should do? " He asked if I lost interest and I said I am not sure." Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 because physically, he's hot and really good looking. I am sure most girls will swoon all over him. I am just an ordinary girl next door, some might say I am attractive but I don't think I am attractive 'to get anyone I want / wrapped around my fingers' - but he is that. I am more impressed by someone's character, education and accomplishments. Link to comment
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