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Is it ever a good idea to contact the dumper for second chance?


sammy23

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We've been broken up for 2 months now, dated for 10 months, but were good friends for a few years before this. He broke up with me because we had a rocky month. I made a mistake and did something that hurt him, but was genuinely sorry and remorseful but we had trouble communicating how we were feeling. I didn't know how to fix things, became a little more insecure because he was withdrawing and he stopped prioritising the relationship and stopped trying to work things out. I maintained no contact for around 6-7 weeks and then reached out and met up to apologise for the things that I did wrong, and explained how I saw things, and told him I recognised what went wrong and I told him that I think we could fix it and work on it now that we have a better understanding. But he's stubborn and doesn't really want to try again, he's the type of person who is happy to be by himself and doesn't really engage in romantic relationships often (I was his first GF/romantic connection of any kind - he's 23).

 

He initiated contact during Xmas/NY break, was really friendly, lots of emojis etc, but we haven't since spoken. We're not the type to say mean things to each other so there's no anger or hatred. I still love him and wish that we could have a second chance to try fix things. I understand that he doesn't really want this anymore, but a part of me is hoping that he's just trying to convince himself it was the right decision and that with more time, he might change his mind.

 

Should I try maintain friendly conversation to try stay relevant and maybe try to reconnect and show him that I have changed and that I am willing to really work things out?

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Sorry to hear this. What was the fighting/breakup about? Never beg or try to convince someone to be with you. It makes you unattractive and desperate and most of all, never works. Leave him alone. If he want's to reconcile, he'll let you know.

He broke up with me because we had a rocky month.

he's stubborn and doesn't really want to try again.

He initiated contact during Xmas/NY break

I understand that he doesn't really want this anymore

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Thanks for the responses.

Wiseman, I guess he stopped putting effort in, and I felt insecure and acted out a little. It was a really stressful time for both of us (changing jobs, meeting deadlines etc).

 

What if I feel like it was mainly my fault?

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Then you'll have to come to terms with that. Don't beat yourself up though, we all make mistakes and go through rough times.

 

The fact of the matter is though, when the going got tough, he bailed. That's his downfall in the relationship. You don't leave a loved one when things are tough.

 

But being as he is the one who left, you will have to somehow accept that and let it go.

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Sammy, we all make mistakes in relationships and we run into rough patches. But you deserve a partner who won't run out on you.

 

He left. That shows his lack of commitment and love. It takes a lot to make a solid relationship work. Patience, understanding, forgiveness are just a few.

 

He didn't have that for you.

 

Allow yourself better. I know it hurts now, but you deserve better and someone who won't give up on you.

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We've been broken up for 2 months now, ....

 

I maintained no contact for around 6-7 weeks and then reached out and met up....

 

...part of me is hoping that he's just trying to convince himself it was the right decision and that with more time, he might change his mind.

 

Should I try maintain friendly conversation to try stay relevant and maybe try to reconnect and show him that I have changed and that I am willing to really work things out?

 

2 months minus 6 weeks sounds like you contacted him two weeks ago. At which point you told him you wanted to give it another go, and were rebuffed.

 

So no do not contact him again, now or next month or ever.

 

If you keep pestering him it looks needy and unattractive.

 

Give him some time to miss you. Months of it.

 

Use that time to work on yourself.

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" But he's stubborn and doesn't really want to try again, he's the type of person who is happy to be by himself and doesn't really engage in romantic relationships " Here is your answer.

 

When we blame ourselves, it prevents us from acknowledging that the relationship will not work. I did the same.

 

You need to move on.

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Please don’t judge me for this, I know I’ve made a horrible mistake. It’s bad was a drunk kiss at a club about 4 months ago. There was a period of time where I completely lost memory, found out through a friend and told him that same night. I had thrown up and got kicked out and had no memory of that either. It was out of character for me, that was the first time I did something like that and first time I’d kissed anybody else in my life. I haven’t had a drink since because I’ve been too scared to. So it is really mainly my fault and it just really sucks that this happened all because of my mistake.

 

At first he was seemed okay and I kept trying to reassure him that it won’t happen again. I think what happened afterwards was that kept his thoughts mainly to himself and he saying he was okay, but when he started withdrawing I became more insecure because I didn’t how to fix things. This was also during a high stress period, we both had more work deadlines and assessments and we were considering moving out of the state for his new job offer.

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I know deep down that that’s what I need to do, but it just sucks a lot, and a huge part of me just wished he’d change his mind.

Also I forgot to add that after at the end of our last meet up, he’s said that he’d take me out again to catch up in a few weeks after he gets back from his holiday break. So I think I just got really confused after his friendly Xmas messages as well.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

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It's probably safe to think of it like talking to the police. Nothing you say will prove your innocence, but there's plenty you can say to incriminate yourself. After breakups, while it's obviously a generalization, there's nothing you can do or say to convince someone to come back to you, but there's plenty you can say or do to convince them not to or to reinforce that sentiment.

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I’d suggest sending a short statement to the effect of “Im sorry, I care about you, I’d like to try to make this work please contact me if you change your mind”.. then never reach out again. That way you put out the olive branch but also aren’t chasing and have firmly put the ball in their court.

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Unfortunately, yet understandably, you cheating on him changed how he sees you. Even if he wanted to forgive you, it's evident that he just couldn't.

 

Not yet anyway.

 

If it was just a kiss .... OP needs to give him time to miss her and forgive her.

 

dated for 10 months, but were good friends for a few years before this... he's 23

 

Maybe a few years down the track.

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You're asking if there's a chance of getting back together and yet you fail to disclose the mistake you made that hurt him so badly.

 

It matters.

 

But generally speaking, it's pointless to ask for another chance because if the dumper wanted back in they'd contact you. They're not going to say "oh well I wasn't going to call you but since you asked lets try it again".

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the best thing you can do is work on making sure the mistake does not happen again. It seeems that you, like me, struggle with alcohol and I suggest that you just don't drink. Remain in no contact with your ex....and use this time to reflect. I found that after I quit drinking, I found that I did not want my ex back at all, that there were many others who were more compatible. Work on yourself and be true to what you want. Learn from this experience and this, coupled with abstaining with alcohol, will most likely lead you to better and more fruitful relationships.

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