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How would you handle this?


Eliza50

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Hi everyone. This is about my friend that I've mentioned before (old friend that we reconnected this past summer).

 

The last time we met we made plans to meet another old friend next week and also go to the cinema the week after (both her suggestions). Well, this is what happened:

 

The meeting with our old friend was supposed to be last Sunday. We talked on the phone and through email up until Friday and everything was fine. Sunday morning she calls and says she's at work (last Sunday of the year and she always has to work that day, so, it wasn't sudden) and ''I'm sure I had told you'' and she has had 'the dates mixed and are you sure we had said Sunday?' and she cancels.

 

On that phonecall we also talked about the cinema. We agreed on Saturday afternoon and we would go eat something after the movie. She did say something like ''but remind me about it because you know what I'm like''. I said look, are we going or not? We can do it another time if you're not sure you can make it. She insisted that of course we were going. I said ok, I'll call you Saturday morning to fix the time.

 

So, I called her at home Saturday morning. Nothing. I tried her cell phone. She didn't pick up. So, I sent her a text message saying I can't reach you, call me when you can. Well, she never replied, never called and we never met.

 

I'm furious. It's one thing to cancel but it's a different thing to ignore someone completely. What would you do? I know sh*t happens but I'm thinking that unless something really serious happened (knowing her, I doubt it but you never know) I should cut her off altogether.

 

Opinions?

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She is distancing herself and you should do the same. Maybe you've grown apart, maybe she's flaky. It would be much better to find a newer and more reliable group of friends. Put this one and any other flakes in the "acquaintance folder" in your mind and you won't be hurt or frustrated.

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How you would treat people is one thing. How people treat you is another.

 

This isn't about the fact that you wouldn't leave someone hanging, or that you wouldn't flake out on someone like this.

 

This is about the fact that she's doing this to you.

 

I don't know if she's flaking out on you, or flaking out in general. Either way, you'll have to decide if this is a friendship even worth continuing with. Me? I'd be done.

 

I have that long thread about my friend on NYE, and I'm done with that friendship of 30+ years. Know what happens when you end a toxic friendship? After the initial sadness and yes, loneliness, your space gets bigger. You just have more space for people who want to be in there for you.

 

Have you heard of Trent Shelton? He has some awesome videos on the subject of distancing yourself from "friends" who aren't really friends.

 

"Never feel guilty for cutting someone off when they handed you the scissors":

 

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Eliza50 Were the Sunday and cinema plans specific? I ask because, unfortunately, I have met some people for whom "how about we meet next week / on Monday / for coffee again" actually translates to: "When I say those words you need to understand that I don't necessarily want to meet again. I am just being polite."

 

Then there are the ones that wait for the best weekend offer and ditch the rest.

 

Friends who genuinely care about you make you a priority. They are worth spending time and energy on.

 

 

"Never feel guilty for cutting someone off when they handed you the scissors":

Just beautiful!

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I'm furious.

 

Why do you get so angry over this?

 

She has repeatedly shown you that she is unreliable. Why do you continue to hold her to such high expectations?

 

I'm not saying her behavior is justified, but you knew this was going to happen! You even asked her, "are we going or not?"

 

You can either make room for her carelessness, or distance yourself from her.

 

Don't bother judging her or trying to change her. You'll just stress yourself out.

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The best lesson I have learnt in the past few years is, if someone wants to spend time with you, they will make time. No excuses, no bs.

 

If they don't, then do not chase. Let it go. You shouldn't have to force people to be in your life.

 

What should you do now? Leave it. If you hear from her, so be it, if you don't...so be it.

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Eliza50 Were the Sunday and cinema plans specific? I ask because, unfortunately, I have met some people for whom "how about we meet next week / on Monday / for coffee again" actually translates to: "When I say those words you need to understand that I don't necessarily want to meet again. I am just being polite."

 

The plans with our other friend were very specific. Time and place fixed.

The cinema plans were also specific in the sense that we would meet outside the cinema and we would just fix the time.

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I'm with you. Cancelling is one thing, blowing me off and ditching contact would be entirely another. I'd leave it alone and avoid making plans with her, unless she ever rings to see if you can meet her somewhere same day and it's convenient for you.

 

Another word for 'flake' is 'self entitled'. I don't need that, and I can appreciate why you wouldn't either.

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You're putting way too much time and effort into this person.

 

She clearly isn't interested in meeting and she doesn't care enough about you to be considerate enough to cancel and/or keep you up to date with her plans.

 

Don't look back.

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The plans with our other friend were very specific. Time and place fixed.

The cinema plans were also specific in the sense that we would meet outside the cinema and we would just fix the time.

 

So plans were very specific and she didn't even bother to cancel?! That is extremely disrespectful to you and your other friend (!) [uNLESS there was a life threatening emergency or some such exception that justified the inability to let friends know they wouldn't be able to make it].

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