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Thread: Should I continue seeing her?

  1. #1
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    Should I continue seeing her?

    There is a girl that started working with me about a half a year ago. Im a senior and her and her twin sister ( who also works with us) are juniors. when they started working, we really connected I felt. She is easy to talk to, smart, and super pretty. Im a really shy guy so it was really nice to find someone who was easy to talk to. At first, I was set back about dating her because she is a junior and I'm a senior... once I got over that issue, it seemed that new ones came. after I came to terms with our age gap, I found out that she smokes weed every once in awhile and vapes everyday. these are two things that I am really not for and she knows this. I decided a couple months ago to put these things behind me and take the chance. we hung out alot and went on a bunch of dates. I even had my first kiss with her a couple of weeks ago. I officially asked her to be my girlfriend about a week ago, so now, we have known each other for 6 months, been hanging out for 4 months and been dating for a week. I told my parents about her and they have met her, everyone at work also unfortunately knows about it as well.
    Okay so background done. There are days where I leave her house or drop her off and I am absolutely in love with her, I am so pleased with the relationship and I am extremely happy, but then there are also nights tonight where I am upset and disappointed. She knows how I hate vaping and smoking, In my opinion its a waste of time and money plus you look like an absolute idiot doing it. there is honestly no benefits in my opinion. she frequently vapes when we hang out or facetime and she always sends me pics of her smoking with our mutual friends. Im not sure why she does this as she knows I hate it. So my question is, should I just accept that she vapes and continue to hope that my other friends and parents don't find out or do I confront her about it and say its me or the drugs you choose. I really want to continue seeing her as Ive put so much work into building this relationship but if there was a time to end it, now would be the time as we have valentines day, her birthday, and her junior prom (which I really don't want to go to) all in the month of February. I also don't know how I would continue with work as I often have to either work with her as a register person or I have to supervise her where I frequently have to tell her what to do. should I just quit if I end up ending it?
    any input is welcome. thanks

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    It seems like all the things that are bothering you are things that you knew beforehand. Getting with her knowing what you knew about her weed habit and her being a junior in your workplace was a stupid decision. Don't do it again next time you are faced with such a situation. Imo, yes, you need to break up asap. Despite paying lip service to wanting to stay in this relationship, it sounds like you can't handle it. Do not blame her as this was about you making a poor but informed decision, taking on more than you could handle. Afterwards, you need to keep what happened to yourself when it comes to your colleagues, keep a professional distance as required and take it one day at a time. You do not need to advertise the break up within your workplace. You may or may not have to quit. Imo, it will depend on how things play out once you break up.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What you see is what you get. You can't change people. If there are deal breakers you need to date someone else, preferably not at work, in your own age group and who you are more compatible with.

    It doesn't matter what your opinion of weed and vaping is. Just find someone your own age who you don't work with who doesn't use weed or vape. It's that simple.

    Get out of this asap and diplomatically because at this point it's basically sexual harassment. And you have no right to tell her what to do with vaping and weed.
    Originally Posted by Nman4141
    there are also nights tonight where I am upset and disappointed. She knows how I hate vaping and smoking. I have to supervise her where I frequently have to tell her what to do.

  4. #4
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    A few mistakes here. One, you decided to date your subordinate and a coworker. It's always a slippery slope to date a coworker, but you are also her supervisor, so you've really put yourself in a pickle. Hopefully you can still work together, but you're likely to get some attitude and pushback from from her. All I can offer is to maintain a professional manner at work.

    The other mistake was knowingly walking into this relationship knowing this woman had habits you are not in line with - vaping and pot, maybe cigarettes as well. You can't change people. They have to make these choices on their own, and for her, right now, she likes the party and she likes to vape. I've known couples who smoked as a couple, and then decide to quit together...or one decides to quit while encouraging the other to do the same. One is inevitably slower or more resistant or they fall off the wagon or maybe doesn't want to. It causes major conflict. The same can be said about other addictions. The same can be said about tidy vs. messy, dogs vs. cats, religion, finances, etc. Some things you are aware of walking in while others surface later when you're invested...you knew straight away these are things she does, and you went for it anyway, hoping she'd stop just for you. You can't expect that. You can walk away from it if it's not your cup of tea and is a constant source of contention.

    You want to know what happened back in my 20s when I had my boyfriend "put his foot down" and "forbid" me to smoke a joint? I went and smoked a joint. I've never been a huge fan of pot, but I wanted to give it another try...so I did. The results were the same as the last time. A few years later, I had a boyfriend who enjoyed the weed, and we would fight about it because I didn't want him to do it, especially not when we went out together...and he did. That didn't last. I married a man who reverted to his crazy, culty religion...since there was no way I was walking into that with my children in tow, you can imagine how well that situation went. If had I known more about this religion beforehand, I don't think I would have continued to date him, let alone marry him and produce babies...and that's a huge thing to admit because NOT walking that path means my children would not come into existence...tough pill, that one.

    Basically this: If you can control it, control it. Don't date smokers if you hate smoking. Don't date ex-smokers either, if there is concern for reverting. Don't date someone who likes to party if you're a homebody. Don't date a flirt who has a half a dozen male orbiters, er, "friends." Don't date someone who wants to be jeeping in the dunes every weekend if this is not your passion as well. Just don't. You had the warning signs, you simply chose to ignore them. Ten years down the line, partying and vaping and pot may not be major staples, but right now? This is her. She's young and she's enjoying her friends, and her "hobbies," and she likes vaping. Very, very tasty. I personally don't see the point without a nicotine boost, but it is a thing nowadays. I used it to stop smoking. I enjoy it, but have no idea if I will maintain it after I drop my nicotine milligrams to 0.

    You see it as a waste of money. It's no more a waste of money to drinking, repair after jeeping, the money-pit known as a fish tank, fast food, gambling, movies, video games, collectibles, Cheetos...the list goes on. Your waste of money is her money well-spent, and vice versa. We all spend money on entertainment and frivolous things, hobbies, and the like, and most of us are responsible, and it sounds like she's rather responsible for the most part. You spend $7 on Starbucks, I spend $7 on juice for my vape that lasts for 3 days. Which is worse? Which is better? To each his own.

    As a couple, you need to align. She's not going to stop her ways, and you want her to change. It's definitely time to make the split, I think. You can't force her to change.

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  6. #5
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    When I first read your post, I thought (out of the 2 issues - dating co-worker/vaping and weed smoking), I thought you would have more of an issue with dating a co-worker. As far as the vaping habit goes, you could weigh all of your differences and if that is the only major, you could still date her and see where the relationship goes.

    Dating a co-worker is, in my opinion, much more dangerous and could cause far more contentious issues down the road. For example, how would you feel if you broke up and she started dating someone else in the office? This would really sting and likely would not be good for you professionally. I have seen this happen and it was not pretty.

    Iíve dated people who drink much more than me and its not the drinking per se that is the problem. Itís the addictive personality, disregard for their health, putting the addiction before the relationship, etc. that will cause issues. Now I am not saying she is an addict, but you get where I am going.

    See how it goes from here, but if she knows she is doing something you hate and actually advertising it, you may want to consider someone more mature.

  7. #6
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    Dating a coworker didnít really bother me as we are both teens and we work at a pizza place. Half of our other co workers are our friends and she wouldnít date any of them. If worse came to worse I could just quit. Iím leaving for college next year so I could get out of there really easily.


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