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Thread: Am I making the right choice?

  1. #1
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    Am I making the right choice?

    Hi all,

    Some of you know about my relationship issue but in a nutshell, my girlfriend of about 7 months left me out of the blue; said "I did nothing wrong", "we just aren't compatible", things like that. She at first wanted to take a break for a month, which I waited out. Then when the end of the month hit, she ended up leaving me. I was devastated, and I still am dealing with depression since then.

    We met about a week ago at a coffee shop; she actually proposed us meeting. I went there dressed nice, even bought her a rose before we went inside. She told me that she met me to bring me some "closure", but didn't hint at the idea of us getting back together. She told me she still wanted to see me and hang out with me, but I don't know if I want to do that if it's just going to be a friendzone kind of thing; I will only hang out with her if it means the possibility of us reconciling.

    So now I'm on the fence. I have a video messaged saved that I haven't sent to her, pretty much giving her two choices: 1) we have a hope at reconciling and I remain in contact with her, or 2) if there is no hope, she's never going to hear from me again. I can't see us being anything less than a couple, and I can't accept a friendship, because my feelings are too strong for her. So therefore, if she doesn't want a relationship with me, I'm going to completely cut contact with her and never talk to her again. I have to move on for my own well being because this is killing me.

    I am torn up by this whole thing. If she truly didn't want to reconcile, am I making the right decision to completely cut contact with her? Would any of you all do the same thing? Thank you all.

  2. #2
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    Yes remain no contact it's better for you to help you focus on other things and get moving on with your life, and sometimes the dumper sees the dumpee moving on and the air of mystery sets in and they start missing the dumpee and they come looking- but don't go no contact to try to get this sort of response- that will never work because at best you are manipulating the other person into a certain behavior that will be temporary at best- any reconciliation based on a "no contact" strategy employed by the dumper will almost certainly fail after the dumper realizes they had good reasons for leaving in the first place and any remorse was just temporary.

    After you finish reading my post please immediately delete that very lame video message you are actually thinking of sending her. Some day you will understand why and be very glad you didn't send it.

  3. #3
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    This is hard to accept, but there is zero indication that she is interested in having a relationship with you at this point. I'd higly recommend that, as you have posted, tell her that you cannot accept friendship and thus will leave her be and move on.

    Chances are that there is another guy somewhere, just a hunch though. When ladies get confused and say things like "you did nothing wrong"... that's a bad sign IMHO. Anyway, that's pure speculation on my part. But your best bet right now is to completely disappear and move on.

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    Originally Posted by Normm

    After you finish reading my post please immediately delete that very lame video message you are actually thinking of sending her. Some day you will understand why and be very glad you didn't send it.
    Why should I not send it? I mean me sending it will provide me closure to move on, knowing there is absolutely no hope left in sight for us to get back together.

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    Originally Posted by mack1490
    Why should I not send it? I mean me sending it will provide me closure to move on, knowing there is absolutely no hope left in sight for us to get back together.
    She alread tried to give you closure by meeting with you. The video will do nothing for you, except wanting a response... a response that may never come, or one that is not desired. I'd also not send it. If you need to have a final word, I'd call instead. You never know where that video might end up or who else might see it... something worth considering.

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    Because it's really lame and weak even pathetic. It almost comes across as begging. She doesn't want to be with you anymore. At least, not in any serious capacity. Grab your remaining self esteem, get up off the ground, dust the sand off and WALK AWAY. Just fall off the radar as far as she's concerned. If she contacts you say "Sorry not really interested in doing the whole "friends with ex's thing, it just doesn't work for me". Hanging out with her as a friend DECREASES your chance of reconciling. You're too available, attainable, cooperative, etc.. sort of like a dog that follows its master around waiting for a treat.

    You don't realize it now but if you send that text sooner or later you'll bury your head in your hands and say "Why did I send that what was I thinking??".

    It might help if you put yourself in her shoes. Say you're the dumper and you get that video from the person you really don't want to be with anymore. It's basically an ultimatum that carries no weight.

    Sort of like a child who doesn't want to go to sleep saying "I either get to stay up late or I get to eat cookies which one is it going to be?". It's going to be neither, get your a$$ to bed.

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    Wow..wasn't expecting responses like these. I'm just going to call a crisis group instead and get advice from there, I'm completely distraught right now. Thanks anyway.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by mack1490
    Wow..wasn't expecting responses like these. I'm just going to call a crisis group instead and get advice from there, I'm completely distraught right now. Thanks anyway.
    The good thing about strangers on the internet is, they have no stake in your situation whatsoever and so they can tell you straight up what they think. The bad thing about strangers on the internet is that they are strangers... Definitely talk with your friends and family about your situation! Good luck out there!

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by mack1490
    Wow..wasn't expecting responses like these. I'm just going to call a crisis group instead and get advice from there, I'm completely distraught right now. Thanks anyway.
    2 months ago you posted this:

    Originally Posted by mack1490
    Too late to walk away, she already did that. That's why I feel so stupid that I allowed her to do this to me, I should have walked away when she told me she wanted a break.
    You said the same thing I'm saying now. Walk away.

    You won't get better advice than this off the internet.

  11. #10
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    Mack,

    It sounds like definite friend zone stuff from her. That will be toxic for you - you won't start to heal and move forwards until you get out of her orbit. So you are on the right track to refuse "friendship". I could go on and on about how continuing friendship helps the dumper , but TLDR - there is nothing good in that friendship for you.

    If you want to send a communication, I agree with Norm and others - delete the video and send this short text instead-

    "This is not what I wanted, but I am not going to hang around being your friend. If you ever rethink things give me a call."

    Do not expect a response. If she drops breadcrumbs on you, ignore them.

    So the answer to your questions are - Yes, you are doing the right thing in cutting all ties, and I did exactly that.

    Do a youtube search for dating guy, and listen to some of his videos. He explains the No Contact process very well. Do not pay any money to any of the slick "ex-back" program sellers.

    And if you can't decide what to do - do nothing. If you do nothing you won't make a mistake. [/superdave]

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