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Thread: Update & question on where to go from here

  1. #1
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    Update & question on where to go from here

    Update from the guy Iíve been seeing. Things were going REALLY well. We spent a lot of time together over the last week, but it was due to events with his friends. Heís been a total gentleman and has taken care of all hotels, etc. and even in a moment where I was mortified with myself he was very nice and understanding.

    Prior to that It came up what he was looking for and he gave a not really sure/last gf left because Iím not around answer, but then I told him I was looking for a relationship. He offered up that heíd hid his dating apps (I guess it takes you out of the swipe sequence, you can still talk to matches but canít get new ones) and wasnít looking to meet anyone else (we had already agreed on sexual exclusivity).

    Then he began seriously talking about booking a trip for us in April, we were looking at flights, etc. He did say he hadnít told his parents about me, but said if things continued I should go to an event for him that theyíll be there for at the end of next month. To me those were all good signs. To keep it light I voted/ we agreed we see how we are this month and determine then if it has a chance for a real shot.

    Heís on a trip now and on the dating app he ďhidĒ his location updated twice since last night. Thatís put the wind right out of my sails.

    Iím paranoid by nature so I canít tell when my gut is legit warning me or just being its usual self, but Iíve lost some respect-mostly because he volunteered he hid them, so why check in?

    I really want to just sit back and observe because thatís still the stage Iím in- is he right for me? Is he what I want/need? But heís set to come over in a few days (Iím making dinner, etc) and I just canít imagine myself doing these nice things and having sex acting like everything is okay. I donít want to be taken for a fool. I still donít believe heís intending to meet other people, but I feel like I was lied to.

    Should I carry on and continue to observe while taking note? Is it worth it to bring up? Should I assume heís out to meet other people and get back out there? No matter how lightly I ever try to approach a serious topic itís always heavier than I want it to be despite that Iím not even really dramatic by nature.

  2. #2
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    How much longer is he going to be working in your area?

    Why not tell him you are thinking about deleting (not just "hiding") your dating profile because you'd like to be an official exclusive couple and ask him would he be willing to do the same?

    Or, you can sit and fret and worry and hope. I'd vote for concrete answers rather than "hoping" things turn out the way I'd like them to.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    How much longer is he going to be working in your area?

    Why not tell him you are thinking about deleting (not just "hiding") your dating profile because you'd like to be an official exclusive couple and ask him would he be willing to do the same?

    Or, you can sit and fret and worry and hope. I'd vote for concrete answers rather than "hoping" things turn out the way I'd like them to.
    Heís in my immediate area until the end of this month, then he moves about an hour away for a month. Then he leaves the state and is back by me for the summer and then can basically be assigned anywhere.

    I vote that too. I guess I just figured I had to the end of the month. I literally awkwardly stumbled through that convo about what he wants last week so I didnít want to seem like Iím beating a dead horse or creating pressure since itís still pretty early on.

    Incidental, but I think Iím more flustered about the ďlieĒ if thatís what we can call it.

    Thank you though-I may just try that. I can say something like ďI was thinking about it and it seems silly to ďhideĒ my profile, Iím still getting messages from matches and I want to delete them. Would you be willing to do the same?Ē

    Iíve always been advised not to ask for things, just to state my needs and listen to the response so that would be a bit out of my comfort zone, but I want to be mature.

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    I find that I am much more successful at getting what I want when I ask directly. Playing coy and dropping hints have gotten me 0% of my requests fulfilled.

    And you'd know right away. Either it's a "yes, I agree" or it's a "no, I'm not ready" or it's a hem and haw. The second and third options would have me thanking him for the good times and sending him on his way. But at least you'd know.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    I find that I am much more successful at getting what I want when I ask directly. Playing coy and dropping hints have gotten me 0% of my requests fulfilled.

    And you'd know right away. Either it's a "yes, I agree" or it's a "no, I'm not ready" or it's a hem and haw. The second and third options would have me thanking him for the good times and sending him on his way. But at least you'd know.
    Thank you for your insight. Thatís a good point. It just happened and I think Iím in a bit of a jaded mindset right now and I feel like my hand has been forced early (in the letís be exclusive area), but I canít very well sit on these feelings and your advice seems to get a good answer about where heís at without the whole ďI saw you logged onĒ accusatory bit that I would rather not ever bring up.

    Sorry for being a sour goat and venting. In the grand scheme I guess itís not a big lie, but trust is still so fragile that I canít help but wonder if heís just a ďyesĒ man even if he doesnít want something and then goes about his way.

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    I do have to wonder how you found out his location updated on the dating app. Is there some reason why you feel like you want to check up on him? Has he given you any indication he's seeing or dating anyone else? If not, why check up on him?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately since you both already know this is short term and casual while he's in your town working, there not much you can do but accept it and not get this invested or involved. Hiding profiles is not promising anything, including exclusivity. He's not lying to you. He's telling you he's "not sure". He's giving you a lot of "ifs". Keep saying to yourself. "This is short term, this is casual". If that upsets you don't go any further.
    Originally Posted by akrngrl
    It came up what he was looking for and he gave a not really sure
    He did say he hadnít told his parents about me
    Heís on a trip now and on the dating app he ďhidĒ his location updated twice since last night.
    I just canít imagine myself doing these nice things and having sex acting like everything is okay.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    I do have to wonder how you found out his location updated on the dating app. Is there some reason why you feel like you want to check up on him? Has he given you any indication he's seeing or dating anyone else? If not, why check up on him?
    Iíd like to say gut instinct, which has never actually been wrong, but itís rightfully or wrongfully paranoid so itís just something I do. I donít like to text constantly or put anyone other than myself in charge of giving me reassurance.

    Not at all, which is why Iím more upset about the premise that he lied at all rather than what he lied about.

    I guess on some level I realize it seems silly to be sexually exclusive and go as far as you can to not meet others without actually deleting the app and being bf/gf. I canít understand why heíd ďhideĒ the app and not make that a conversation when he did it or why when I said Iíd hide mine he kept saying that I didnít have to. I feel like itíd be the other way around, youíd want the other person to delete theirs and be able to keep your options open.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Unfortunately since you both already know this is short term and casual while he's in your town working, there not much you can do but accept it and not get this invested or involved. Hiding profiles is not promising anything, including exclusivity. He's not lying to you. He's telling you he's "not sure". He's giving you a lot of "ifs". Keep saying to yourself. "This is short term, this is casual". If that upsets you don't go any further.
    I appreciate your input and apologize if I come across as defensive because I donít mean to be, but at what point would I not consider this casual?

    I guess to me people who want casual just want it when itís convenient and donít put stock into introducing you to friends or taking you places. Itís kind of like ďif youíre there, cool, if not, oh wellĒ and that hasnít really been how heís presented himself or how heís described himself.

    Youíre very likely probably right in the long run, but Iím trying to learn for the future. Usually these situations I get love bombed, yet hidden and Iím not offered to do anything outside of just us together and if sex is involved, well thatís what they try to center all the hangouts around.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If he is coming over to dinner and you are sexually active absolutely you should talk about exclusivity. That doesn't have to mean there is a future, but certainly you don't want a cozy romantic evening with someone who is with others. You can broach the subject because it's important, you should anyway and also you do not have to discuss his dating app activity. Simply emphasize that sexual exclusivity is a must for you. That is not asking for a future, being clingy or insecure, etc. It's telling someone your standards for whatever particular situation. As you should.
    Originally Posted by akrngrl
    at what point would I not consider this casual?

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