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Thread: Update & question on where to go from here

  1. #21
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by akrngrl
    Thank you for your insight! I think you may be referring to another user about the pages and pages of wanting a relationship, but that doesnít mean it doesnít necessarily apply here.
    Is this not you?

    Originally Posted by akrngrl
    Hey Jellybean9!

    Usually thatís my motto and honestly I usually ask all the hard hitting questions before meeting because I have nothing to lose as we have just matched lol.

    I hardly interacted with this guy before agreeing to go for coffee. His super close proximity made it easier to go with it because I was already going to be in that part of town running errands. Usually my first meets require a bit of travel so I suppose Iím more stringent on my preferences. Lessons learned

    He had mentioned wanting to travel the world still on the first meet so I kinda wrote him off as fun guy to spend time with, but obviously not my future husband. Iíll be darned though if he hasnít shown up in every way on all accounts thus far (paying for dates, making tentative dates at the end of each and then following up in a timely manner to finalize them via text, etc).

    Thise may all be things that a genuine, good person would do, but in my head Iím like ďOooooo look at this consistency!Ē

    Honestly had I not known heís only here for a short time or come across his ďdoesnít know what heís looking forĒ on the other app, I would think his actions were pointing to serious relationship.

    I will definitely ask him! I guess my biggest worries are coming across like I want more at this stage unintentionally or receiving a breezy response like ďI donít know, I want to meet people and have funĒ and then not knowing if/how I should respond to that.


    Originally Posted by akrngrl
    Hey guys!

    Sorry to keep posting here, but I donít have many real life people to discuss with.

    I chickened out/didnít find a good time to discuss sexual exclusivity and dating style. It didnít seem to come up without sounding forced.

    He was talking about when he comes back to the area, etc because he got some of his timeline I suppose . So I think now Iím more questioning ďwhat is this?Ē because heís going way above and beyond what Iíve experienced from men in general and heís trying to make future plans on top of it.

    Itís been just about a month. Do I just sit through this grey area until itís appropriate to ask where he stands/what he wants from this? I know thatís a dreaded talk and Iím awful about being playful. I can be lighthearted, but itís usually with self deprecation and thatís not exactly how I want to portray myself in this situation. Is there too soon to ask?

    My guy friend said that heís probably just trying to lock down something consistent by me and doesnít actually really care who it is. It could be true, but he tends to get bitter so I take what he says with a grain of salt. Maybe everyone will agree though.
    Originally Posted by akrngrl
    Thank you Jellybean! I feel like weíre a lot alike
    so Iím grateful to have your perspective when I feel like Iím not good at seeing things clearly.

    Any tips on how to bring it up? Iíve basically spent wayy too long on google to learn that thereís no safe way. Some say donít ask, just state your standards (I had planned to do that with sexual exclusivity), but then most said never use sex as a bargaining chip (which makes sense so I pulled back on that).

    Iím also debating between going to sexual exclusivity to be on the safe side for now and maybe asking ďwhere do you see this going?Ē type questions next month, a little closer to when heís leaving. I canít tell if thatís too much ďheavyĒ though.

    I almost wish his actions aligned with how I perceived him from his profile at this point haha. I really feel like he gives me the royal treatment and normally Iím like ďyeah youíre cool but weíd never work outĒ.

    Doesnít help that Iím so used to/and like being on my own that Iíve always joked Iíd do best with a husband that lived on another continent



    Originally Posted by akrngrl
    I agree about the cool girl thing and perhaps on some level Iím doing it, but honestly itís more that I also donít want to jump in too quick. Far too many times I have and after a month Iím like ďwhat am I doing?!Ē Hence why I said I felt like my hand was forced a bit. Basically Iíd be asking to be exclusive because I saw that he might not be going in that direction. Had nothing been said about hiding his profile I wouldnít care if he was on or even 100% that he might meet up with someone else as we already had established sexual exclusivity.
    BULL

    I mean NO disrespect, I'm being blunt with you because you gotta stop lying to yourself. People who dont care, dont care, theres no overthinking, theres no fear, you just live your life.

    You keep moving the goal post.

    Originally Posted by akrngrl
    I agree that perhaps Iím in murky waters of good enough to have fun with, but not a relationship, but Iím not sure how to test that out without asking for exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend titles-and at less than two months in that seems premature even for me. I understand time constraints would force the issue slightly sooner, but I was still trying to enjoy each outing and assuming it was our last unless he mentioned another date-which he always has.

    I think my issue is like you said about the me wondering while heís away for work. Iím very independent, almost to a fault and LOVE my me time so Iím perfectly fine with him gone as long as I had trust- which this incident kinda chinked that armor a little.
    You already tested it, he told you he wasn't looking for a relationship with you. Right? Problem solved, you keep trying to put this on him but its completely up to you at this point.

    Your 'hand was forced' because you knew, deep down, he didnt see things the way you did.

    Sometimes the signs are there and honestly had you never asked him, Id be on the fence but you did. He told you. So again, you're moving the goal post. What did he tell you?

    Prior to that It came up what he was looking for and he gave a not really sure/last gf left because Iím not around answer, but then I told him I was looking for a relationship. He offered up that heíd hid his dating apps (I guess it takes you out of the swipe sequence, you can still talk to matches but canít get new ones) and wasnít looking to meet anyone else (we had already agreed on sexual exclusivity).
    He gave you his answer. You met on a dating website right? What are you looking for is a day one question, they even put it in profiles in many sites, your 'gut' was beatng you over the head that you were on different pages, when are you gonna listen? I say this all the time, people think men and women lie about this but most of the time, people will tell you if you simply ask. I have gotten a ton of "Im looking for a relationship" and Ive gotten a ton of "...oh I dont know..." and wishy washy answers but they are still answers. You gotta believe a person when they tell you the truth.


    I honestly dont think the checking in is that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things and like blue said, it could have automatically updated who knows, why is this such a big deal to you though? You arent boyfriend and girlfriend, you arent anything, and you say youre ok with it, so what boundaries are being placed? Look if youre ok with all this, be ok with it, no judgement, live your life, but if you arent you dont get to keep doing the same thing and complain when you dont get different results.
    Last edited by figureitout23; 01-05-2019 at 07:00 PM.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    Is this not you?

    [/B]










    BULL

    I mean NO disrespect, I'm being blunt with you because you gotta stop lying to yourself. People who dont care, dont care, theres no overthinking, theres no fear, you just live your life.

    You keep moving the goal post.



    You already tested it, he told you he wasn't looking for a relationship with you. Right? Problem solved, you keep trying to put this on him but its completely up to you at this point.

    Your 'hand was forced' because you knew, deep down, he didnt see things the way you did.

    Sometimes the signs are there and honestly had you never asked him, Id be on the fence but you did. He told you. So again, you're moving the goal post. What did he tell you?



    He gave you his answer. You met on a dating website right? What are you looking for is a day one question, they even put it in profiles in many sites, your 'gut' was beatng you over the head that you were on different pages, when are you gonna listen? I say this all the time, people think men and women lie about this but most of the time, people will tell you if you simply ask. I have gotten a ton of "Im looking for a relationship" and Ive gotten a ton of "...oh I dont know..." and wishy washy answers but they are still answers. You gotta believe a person when they tell you the truth.


    I honestly dont think the checking in is that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things and like blue said, it could have automatically updated who knows, why is this such a big deal to you though? You arent boyfriend and girlfriend, you arent anything, and you say youre ok with it, so what boundaries are being placed? Look if youre ok with all this, be ok with it, no judgement, live your life, but if you arent you dont get to keep doing the same thing and complain when you dont get different results.
    Nope, youíre right, that was me. I see now that I come across/am way needier than Iíve felt.

    I have a lot of respect for your posts on here, so at the risk of sounding even more ignorant (Iím sorry) I think this is more about me than his actions.

    Ultimately yes, I want a relationship and marriage. Do I want it with him is what Iím unsure of on any account. Thatís what I meant when I said my hand felt forced in regards to asking him to be my bf if I were to ask him about it after this situation (though this situation doesnít tip the scale in favor of yes).

    when we had sexual exclusivity going and he then a week or so later said he wasnít actively on the dating site I was happy. Heíd just been on it over Christmas and I didnít care because we never said we wouldnít be. Without sexual exclusivity I was worried of the risk perhaps heíd meet up and have sex with other women. That trust that he wasnít falsely made me feel safe and like we could take things at any pace until he left, when which I told him I wouldnít continue in this gray dating area, a decision would have to be discussed. I said all of that AFTER I asked him what he was looking for and he agreed to that and then began talking about booking a vacation in a few months and more so have me meet his family (whom he told me he hadnít said anything about me yet to)

    The more I sit with it the more right you likely are that he told me no and just fluffed it up, but in that moment it was a relief that okay yes we werenít ready to decide NOW, but having me potentially meet his family who he doesnít tell much to was reassuring).

    Having someone tell you one thing and do another always hurts no matter what. We are sexually exclusive and it bothers me because his words were along the lines of ďIíve hid my dating profile so Iím not actively looking to meet other people here.Ē Again, the overarching issue I have is that his feet didnít match his actions and thatís the first time itís happened. Basically he volunteered false info.

    Seeing him on that site had me 50% at ďwell now I want commitment JUST becauseĒ and 50% at ďew youíve tainted everything for me and now I kinda donít want you.Ē

    Iím not saying Iím not lying to myself or disagreeing with you, Iím just saying that sitting with myself now, thatís what it feels like. This situation has simultaneously made me want him more and not at all which is confusing and frankly doesnít make much sense to me.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I'm not clear what you believe he lied about.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    I'm not clear what you believe he lied about.
    Hiding his profile. And not using the apps. Iím
    going to ask for what I need today and at least Iíll have my answer. My friends also reassured me that I can think about things for more than just the moments heís here later and that if Iím not comfortable I donít have to continue with sex. That makes me feel a bit less anxious.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    I am completely shocked that a potentially great relationship, could lead to anywhere, is now on the rocks because he logged into an app on his phone.

    What do you KNOW?
    1. You like him.
    2. You just had a great discussion about maybe meeting his folks.
    3. His location on an app has updated.

    Thatís it. Thatís all you know. Everything else is just an assumption. A story youíve created to terrorize yourself. So what if he logged on to his account? Maybe he was messaging someone back saying ďsorry, not interested in our date anymoreĒ. Maybe he logged in to see if you were on there? You could imagine a million scenarios. And youíve even labeled him as a liar multiple times because of this!

    I vote for delete YOUR app, because YOU want to focus on this relationship. Leave him be to do what HE wants to do. And if you both want the same thing, great. If not, then you know you were trying to put a round peg into a square hole and you can move on.

    Such a tiny incident to make such a big deal of...

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by indea08
    I am completely shocked that a potentially great relationship, could lead to anywhere, is now on the rocks because he logged into an app on his phone.

    What do you KNOW?
    1. You like him.
    2. You just had a great discussion about maybe meeting his folks.
    3. His location on an app has updated.

    Thatís it. Thatís all you know. Everything else is just an assumption. A story youíve created to terrorize yourself. So what if he logged on to his account? Maybe he was messaging someone back saying ďsorry, not interested in our date anymoreĒ. Maybe he logged in to see if you were on there? You could imagine a million scenarios. And youíve even labeled him as a liar multiple times because of this!

    I vote for delete YOUR app, because YOU want to focus on this relationship. Leave him be to do what HE wants to do. And if you both want the same thing, great. If not, then you know you were trying to put a round peg into a square hole and you can move on.

    Such a tiny incident to make such a big deal of...
    Youíre right, Iíll own that-small thing to make a big deal of.

    It was much easier to ask him about it and talk about everything than I thought. I donít think anything got solved, or maybe it did and Iím just being dumb, but regardless it was easy.

  8. #27
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    Did he agree to be an official exclusive couple and delete his dating profile?

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Did he agree to be an official exclusive couple and delete his dating profile?
    He said he would look into why it updated and disable it. I got a wishy washy answer to the titles. I phrased it as ďlegitimate relationshipĒ because I didnít want him to confuse it since we are exclusively dating and exclusively intimate.

    I got the sense that this has nothing to do with keeping his options open and everything to do with him. I donít know the real reason, but it sounds like the anxiety of how much effort/investment an LDR is and the risk of it still not being enough (seems like itís happened in the past). A big conversation about his fears of being fully committed, as in a legitimate relationship due to his profession, but he said he wants to be there and that this conversation didnít mean he couldnít get there-he had to work through some things.

    Said heíd been kind of avoiding having to think about having to define us/what it was, but he was happy I brought it up if I was thinking about it and wanted me to be able to come to him about anything on my mind. He got glassy eyed at various points.

    I listened and tried to remain logical. I said I really liked him and until he worked through his things and we had an answer that I wouldnít be able to continue being sexual, for my own piece of mind. He was super understanding about it and mentioned that he still wanted to go out with me and continue spending time together.

    Even typing it sounds like a load of bs, but sitting there with him for the few hours we were talking about it and I believed him. Heís admitted heís not a great communicator and the fact that he sat there with me and didnít seem uncomfortable to talk about things was a nice surprise.

    We were still seriously discussing the vacation in a few months prior to this conversation and it seems as though weíre still communicating as usual and we still have plans for later this week.

  10. #29
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    He is choosing his fears over being in a committed relationship with you. That's all it is. Many people have fears of "taking the plunge" but their connection to and feelings to the person are strong and they choose to be with the person instead of alone with their fears. I've lived it on both sides.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    He is choosing his fears over being in a committed relationship with you. That's all it is. Many people have fears of "taking the plunge" but their connection to and feelings to the person are strong and they choose to be with the person instead of alone with their fears. I've lived it on both sides.
    Thatís understandable and Iíve been on both sides as well, but there have been times when itís been brought up and I wasnít prepared and did need to take a minute to sort things out.

    Heís been texting me that heís been thinking about everything nonstop all day/he feels like a disappointment for not having a better answer last night. We agreed to do dinner this week and he said he wants to share his thoughts with me and that he wants to be good to me and give it fair thought. There were some smiley faces/kissy faces and when I said I was cautiously optimistic he didnít correct me.

    Iím also being told that Iím selfish (by others, not him) if I donít think further into it as in being ready to eventually pick up my life, etc. Iím not sure that itís something I should be focusing on as that wouldnít be until way later down the road, but Iím being told that Iím asking a lot of him in a decision and I have to be ready with my own.

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