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Thread: Update & question on where to go from here

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    If he is coming over to dinner and you are sexually active absolutely you should talk about exclusivity. That doesn't have to mean there is a future, but certainly you don't want a cozy romantic evening with someone who is with others. You can broach the subject because it's important, you should anyway and also you do not have to discuss his dating app activity. Simply emphasize that sexual exclusivity is a must for you. That is not asking for a future, being clingy or insecure, etc. It's telling someone your standards for whatever particular situation. As you should.
    Oh no, we already agreed on that weeks ago lol. If this site has taught me anything itís that. Sexual exclusivity came first before anything majorly physical happened and we were totally on the same page.

    Then last week it came up as to what he was actually looking for and though I donít remember actual words it wasnít cut and dry ďrelationshipĒ or ďcasualĒ. Then he said heíd hid his profile and wasnít looking to meet others and I was the only woman heíd met here. I mentioned that I wasnít the lady that would stay in the gray area while he was away away and let him come back and act all hunky dory in a few months. Jokingly I think I said ďletís see by the end of this month, if nothing happens that makes us hate each other.Ē

  2. #12
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    "Then he said heíd hid his profile and wasnít looking to meet others and I was the only woman heíd met here. "

    Right here. Here is his disclaimer. You are the only woman he's met "here", but he does travel for work, correct?

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    "Then he said heíd hid his profile and wasnít looking to meet others and I was the only woman heíd met here. "

    Right here. Here is his disclaimer. You are the only woman he's met "here", but he does travel for work, correct?
    Yes, he does travel recently. Good catch! I didnít even think of it like that. The way he said it I felt it was more like ďyouíre the only person Iíve met since coming hereĒ. He just started this particular profession so this was his first real stop, but you could still totally be right.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I don't know what app you're talking about, but I recently learned that Bumble, for instance, updates your location even when hidden and even when the app is closed. Raya, another one I use, does the same thing unless you go deep into the settings and change it.

    In other words, he may not be lying at all.

    Dating apps are both awesome and awful. They allow us the possibility of connection with little effort, but, once we connect, they can just as effortlessly become little paranoia machines tucked into our pocket.

    My advice, for what it's worth, would be to unmatch from him. I did this recently, in my own version of a situation like this, and it was amazing the difference it made. Nonsensical anxieties went out the window without the pixilated fuel to feed them.

    Like, imagine your situation if apps didn't exist, or if he was someone you met at a party. You'd still have some nerves, because it's new, he's here and there, you're still exploring if there's space for you guys to find common ground, make a sustainable fire out of the spark. But you'd have simply been soothed by your recent talk, soothed enough to stay open to exploration.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I don't know what app you're talking about, but I recently learned that Bumble, for instance, updates your location even when hidden and even when the app is closed. Raya, another one I use, does the same thing unless you go deep into the settings and change it.

    In other words, he may not be lying at all.

    Dating apps are both awesome and awful. They allow us the possibility of connection with little effort, but, once we connect, they can just as effortlessly become little paranoia machines tucked into our pocket.

    My advice, for what it's worth, would be to unmatch from him. I did this recently, in my own version of a situation like this, and it was amazing the difference it made. Nonsensical anxieties went out the window without the pixilated fuel to feed them.

    Like, imagine your situation if apps didn't exist, or if he was someone you met at a party. You'd still have some nerves, because it's new, he's here and there, you're still exploring if there's space for you guys to find common ground, make a sustainable fire out of the spark. But you'd have simply been soothed by your recent talk, soothed enough to stay open to exploration.
    Thatís actually super interesting to learn. I had a similar situation a few years ago and my friend and I tested the apps like bumble, tinder, happn, etc and they only updated when launched, so they must have changed it. Kind of refreshing.

    Maybe Iím being ignorant, but itís genuinely the potential ďlieĒ thatís getting to me and not the fact that itís the dating app. I truly donít believe heís hooking up with or looking to meet women hours away on a short trip.

    Youíre definitely right though about the apps. I think itís my little way of keeping guard and being preemptive. The humiliation I feel when Iím the last to figure something out (like a guy not being into it when Iím giving him my best) is off the charts. In the past Iíve tended to think people have the worst intentions and yet always give them the benefit of the doubt when push comes to shove. Thatís a lose/lose situation for me which is why Iíve really been putting effort into just observing and not requesting early on. Iíve lurked here for years and people are right about oneís true colors showing through all on their own and having to be receptive enough to those little nuances.

    Iím also a pretty good spot for incompatibilities by date 7-ish and can bow out gracefully. Iíve lost count of how many dates this has been but up near 20 Iíd guess so I suppose I started to get optimistic and not as realistic.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I hear you.

    The other thing about the dating apps is that they are just super, super addictive, especially to a certain kind of person. Like social media apps, they are designed to entice mindless usage.

    I can't tell you how many times I've found myself opening one up and swiping around without even realizing what I'm doingóno different than when I open Instagram and, lo and behold, 40 minutes evaporates in a blur of cat photos, landscapes, and "stories."

    I've swiped mindlessly when I'm head over heels about someone, swiped mindlessly when I have no interest in meeting anyone, swiped mindlessly the same day I've had great sex with someoneónot because I'm looking for more great sex with more partners, but simply because the apps become kind of habitual. And, yes, I've swiped mindlessly even when I've told someone I'm no longer swiping. Again, not because I'm a lying cad, but because boredom + smartphones + apps = a recipe for temporary idiocy.

    I get the instinct to "use" them as way of being guardedóI've been thereóbut really it's like looking into a fun house mirror to see what you look like. Too distorted. For me, whenever I get a little anxious about how someone else might be using an app, I remind myself of all the mindless ways I've used them.

    As you said it, people's true colors always come through. That's all dating, and even being in a relationship, is aboutóletting those colors come to the surface and seeing how you feel as they do. Some caution is healthy, but paranoia can close doors too early.

    This sounds like a nice situation you're in. You guys are connecting. You're sexually exclusive. You're going to have to allow some time and patience to see where all the chips landóbecause of his work schedule, and so on. There will be some sweet stretches, some edgy stretches. Wherever it goes, you can handle it.

    Can't say it enough times: just unmatch. Let this thing, wherever it goes, be determined by what happens between you two, not what you interpret (or misinterpret) from a mobile app.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by akrngrl
    Thank you for your insight. Thatís a good point. It just happened and I think Iím in a bit of a jaded mindset right now and I feel like my hand has been forced early (in the letís be exclusive area), but I canít very well sit on these feelings and your advice seems to get a good answer about where heís at without the whole ďI saw you logged onĒ accusatory bit that I would rather not ever bring up.

    Sorry for being a sour goat and venting. In the grand scheme I guess itís not a big lie, but trust is still so fragile that I canít help but wonder if heís just a ďyesĒ man even if he doesnít want something and then goes about his way.
    You're so busy trying to be 'that girl' the cool calm and down for whatever girl. I have come to the conclusion that 'that girl' the one willing to put her wants aside to please others, isnt what men actually want, we as women, were our own worst enemies sometimes, no one wants to be that 'other girl' the clingy, needy, I want a relationship girl, as if wanting a relationship is a bad word, so, so many try to be women who honestly degrade themselves, to please men who dont respect us to begin with.

    Youre good enough to have a good time with but not good enough to be in a relationship with. At the end of the day whether hes on the dating website or not, whether youre pushing or pulling or coming on too strong, you asked and he answered, there is no grey area anymore, he told you in no uncertain terms.

    Originally Posted by akrngrl
    Oh no, we already agreed on that weeks ago lol. If this site has taught me anything itís that. Sexual exclusivity came first before anything majorly physical happened and we were totally on the same page.

    Then last week it came up as to what he was actually looking for and though I donít remember actual words it wasnít cut and dry ďrelationshipĒ or ďcasualĒ. Then he said heíd hid his profile and wasnít looking to meet others and I was the only woman heíd met here. I mentioned that I wasnít the lady that would stay in the gray area while he was away away and let him come back and act all hunky dory in a few months. Jokingly I think I said ďletís see by the end of this month, if nothing happens that makes us hate each other.Ē

    Your last post was pages and pages of you being petrified to ask. Why? You got the answer you didnt want and you stayed anyway. Its almost like you were afraid to ask because you already knew the answer and as long as he didnt confirm it you could stay under the guise of being the 'cool chick' believe maybe just maybe he wanted more.

    Originally Posted by akrngrl
    Iíd like to say gut instinct, which has never actually been wrong, but itís rightfully or wrongfully paranoid so itís just something I do. I donít like to text constantly or put anyone other than myself in charge of giving me reassurance.

    Not at all, which is why Iím more upset about the premise that he lied at all rather than what he lied about.

    I guess on some level I realize it seems silly to be sexually exclusive and go as far as you can to not meet others without actually deleting the app and being bf/gf. I canít understand why heíd ďhideĒ the app and not make that a conversation when he did it or why when I said Iíd hide mine he kept saying that I didnít have to. I feel like itíd be the other way around, youíd want the other person to delete theirs and be able to keep your options open.
    Thats a lot of twisting. Is he worth it?

  9. #18
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    What you'll be signing up for is checking and checking the dating app to try to see what he's up to while he's away for work.

    Does that sound fun to you?

    If not, get your answer now. And not some wishy washy "Well, you're the only woman I'm dating HERE". A real answer.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    You're so busy trying to be 'that girl' the cool calm and down for whatever girl. I have come to the conclusion that 'that girl' the one willing to put her wants aside to please others, isnt what men actually want, we as women, were our own worst enemies sometimes, no one wants to be that 'other girl' the clingy, needy, I want a relationship girl, as if wanting a relationship is a bad word, so, so many try to be women who honestly degrade themselves, to please men who dont respect us to begin with.

    Youre good enough to have a good time with but not good enough to be in a relationship with. At the end of the day whether hes on the dating website or not, whether youre pushing or pulling or coming on too strong, you asked and he answered, there is no grey area anymore, he told you in no uncertain terms.




    Your last post was pages and pages of you being petrified to ask. Why? You got the answer you didnt want and you stayed anyway. Its almost like you were afraid to ask because you already knew the answer and as long as he didnt confirm it you could stay under the guise of being the 'cool chick' believe maybe just maybe he wanted more.



    Thats a lot of twisting. Is he worth it?
    Thank you for your insight! I think you may be referring to another user about the pages and pages of wanting a relationship, but that doesnít mean it doesnít necessarily apply here.

    I agree about the cool girl thing and perhaps on some level Iím doing it, but honestly itís more that I also donít want to jump in too quick. Far too many times I have and after a month Iím like ďwhat am I doing?!Ē Hence why I said I felt like my hand was forced a bit. Basically Iíd be asking to be exclusive because I saw that he might not be going in that direction. Had nothing been said about hiding his profile I wouldnít care if he was on or even 100% that he might meet up with someone else as we already had established sexual exclusivity.

    I agree that perhaps Iím in murky waters of good enough to have fun with, but not a relationship, but Iím not sure how to test that out without asking for exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend titles-and at less than two months in that seems premature even for me. I understand time constraints would force the issue slightly sooner, but I was still trying to enjoy each outing and assuming it was our last unless he mentioned another date-which he always has.

    I think my issue is like you said about the me wondering while heís away for work. Iím very independent, almost to a fault and LOVE my me time so Iím perfectly fine with him gone as long as I had trust- which this incident kinda chinked that armor a little.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    What you'll be signing up for is checking and checking the dating app to try to see what he's up to while he's away for work.

    Does that sound fun to you?

    If not, get your answer now. And not some wishy washy "Well, you're the only woman I'm dating HERE". A real answer.
    This. I agree with this. I think thatís what Iím the most frustrated about. Itís not all about exclusivity, but the fact that I HAD trusted him and now thatís dented for me and Iím re-evaluating everything. Like ďif I canít trust you here when it was you offering up the info whatís to stop you from just lying and saying you deleted it to keep me happy and go off along your merry way?Ē Thatís insecurity and paranoia mostly, but people will do some crazy things if they know they wonít get caught.

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