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Thread: Update & question on where to go from here

  1. #131
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Have you considered getting a well written profile and some good recent pics on some high quality (paid) dating apps? You claim you want the marriage, kids, house thing one day.... or at least a somewhat committed long term relationship for starters. But the chances of finding that by swiping through abysmal low quality (free) dating apps is very slim. Settling for "confused", ambiguous and long distance guys isn't a step toward what you claim your goals are.

    It's already apparent that except for the attraction and relief from dating that this is an incompatible nonviable situation. You understandably would like some tangible concrete answers and some definition, but he prefers things to just coast along and continues to play dodge ball. All this analysis and contemplation may entertain you for a while but if it sidesteps your goals and replaces that with cheap filler, what's the point?
    Oh no, just the marriage haha. I donít want kids at all, in any capacity (from previous relationships, etc.) I bought my own ďfor nowĒ dream home, but yes, I suppose eventually Iíd have to buy a place together with someone.

    I had them at one point and have found overall, most of the same people were on the free apps-and coincidentally Iíd already been to meet them or had no earthly desire to.

    The area that Iím in in particular, many already have kids or want to be open to the prospect of kids or very much want them. Thatís one of those dealbreakers I donít waiver on (I know this thread makes me look like wiggly jello on boundaries).

    Iíve a few years traveling into or halfway to the major city because my parameters are set 60+ miles out of the way and itís mostly always still been a travesty. Our goals donít match up, dealbreakers start surfacing (that 3-5 date sweet spot that makes me cringe and walk away), etc.

    I know someone on this forum has mentioned they had to go on something like 100 first meets before they met their husband and I always kind of used that as a marker-as in okay you have to meet A LOT of people. If I havenít met that by now, Iím really really close haha. So far, this is probably the longest dating stint Iíve had in a few years (and I donít know in how long that Iíve actually been happy with the individual with no characteristic red flags)

  2. #132
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Two things -why is "girlfriend" "just a label to you" - that's the impression I get.

    Also his lack of follow up reminded me of something. I have a work friend over the last 2 years -we met at a company seminar and we don't work together but we got into the habit of having lunch every month or two. We were both newish at the company. Over time we've gotten closer -slowly, but surely. She's on the reserved side and I respect that and do not pry but I also love her stories/interests (travel, marathon running, music, etc). She said to me - uncharacteristically - a few months ago "you're a really good listener. you ask really good follow up questions". It's not something I tried and actually I wanted to be careful not to pry if anything. So you know -I think it's mostly natural - yes, I'm an extrovert - but I'm naturally curious about people plus she has really interesting stories/insights to share so I want to know more, I want her to elaborate.

    I had a long term boyfriend who was bad at following up - what I would do -not sarcastically -with a lighthearted tone "hey I can do your side of the conversation?" [yes] "So, [my name] - what happened then? How did you feel when you got that e-mail/what did you decide to do??" Sometimes he would get it. It felt better than being direct in that moment with "don't you care about how I stubbed my toe running for the bus and then realized it was all a dream??"
    Itís just a label to me here because I feel like I am his girlfriend-weíre just not calling it that. That sounds ignorant and little entitled, but let me explain haha. Before starting this thread there were two modes of dating for me: you date and date others or you date exclusively. I still donít quite grasp how you could be dating exclusively and sexually exclusive, not be looking for or pursuing anyone else and yet still not be in a relationship. I just see it as dancing around semantics, but Iím learning from everyone here.

    To me this is a relationship-weíre having fun, going out, being intimate, planning things in the future (as much as possible). Iíve been meeting his friends, we went to an engagement party, he had tentatively invited me to meet his family when they were in town before all this went down (not sure if he will now).

    I honest to goodness donít understand what the difference would be in him calling me his girlfriend. Itís not like using the term comes with a whole host of responsibilities from me-I expect all the same things heís been doing this whole time. I guess Iím already emotionally vulnerable as his actions clearly affect my mood (hence this thread lol). I donít think heís NOT emotionally vulnerable (even if he doesnít want to be) because heís been more emotional than I have the two times weíve spoken about it and the one time we had a miscommunication and I was mildly annoyed he was very concerned that I ďwas mad at himĒ.

    As I said, I did ask what his idea of a relationship looked like-in case that was different than what I envisioned and therefore there was reason for him to be wary. He pretty much agreed that it was what we had going on.

    Iíve seen him in more states than Iíve seen anyone Iíve been with in years (sick, angry, upset-I havenít seen him truly sad or cry, but I didnít expect to see all of those at two months in haha). Heís seen me in one mortifying moment, that I wish he hadnít, but he was so very sweet about.

    Haha I like that! I never notice in the moment-he also just may share a lot. Heíll text something like ďgood morning! Just got done with xyz, it was brutal. Going to do abc Iím excited! Hope youíre having a good day :*Ē I usually just respond to that. Again to be fair, I consider the job training heís in to be REALLY cool. My professional career is way less exciting to talk about and even though I run some side businesses, again, itís a lot of crafting or computer time-not exactly the go go go action that good stories are made of. If things continue Iíll try to integrate it with humor like you did. Iíve never wanted to come off a show offy or braggy about multiple streams of income to anyone so Iíve just learned over time to keep my head down, stay in my lane and do it for me. No one before has ever understood why Iíd choose to sit in my house for 16 hours crafting/creating away instead of out at a winery or a concert, but thatís where I thrive and 3000% where Iím happiest when Iím by myself.

  3. #133
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    Do you know for an absolute fact he's not dating anyone else? And I don't mean just in your "area", but anywhere at all?

    Are you dating anyone else?

  4. #134
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    I think it's important to be clear on what your intentions are towards each other and what kind of understanding/commitment you want whether or not you call it girlfriend/partner/SO/dating whatever.

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  6. #135
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Do you know for an absolute fact he's not dating anyone else? And I don't mean just in your "area", but anywhere at all?

    Are you dating anyone else?
    I mean I can only really go based on his word. He did end up hiding the gps location one we are matched on and the one we actually met through you update the location manually (and he had updated to his new location where heíll be next month at some point, but I donít know if it was before or after he said he wasnít on them anymore).

    As Iíve said, this seems more to be an issue to the idea of commitment and being with anyone at all rather than just wondering if Iím the right woman for that role. Iím not going to insist that, but thatís what heís making it out to be. Heís said its got nothing to do at all with dating sites and keeping his options open.

    I am not. Iím not much for multi-dating, itís still a grey area if mine should be disabled because I did it a week ago in front of him, but then I made a comment about getting profiles back when he didnít agree to be official and he was like ďyou can if you want-Iím not looking to meet anyone elseĒ or something like that.

    I swipe here and there and have responded to a few messages. No one at all worthwhile and usually I go a year or so between actually meeting someone worth more than a first meet, but I question if itís even fair to meet someone else in the position Iím in.

  7. #136
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I think it's important to be clear on what your intentions are towards each other and what kind of understanding/commitment you want whether or not you call it girlfriend/partner/SO/dating whatever.
    Batya, thatís a good point. Is there a way to broach that in a few weeks maybe if he hasnít had anything new or novel to report.

    I literally cringe to being this up again and have to go round four because that might even do it for me, but your absolutely right. Iím still kind of leaning toward needing to know where we stand and at least what is/is not acceptable or expected before he leaves. Even if that doesnít look like gf/bf commitment-I need to know on some level whatís going on.

    I figure I could drop comments when he talks about plans or the future, but I donít want them to go over his head to where he doesnít notice or come off as bitter and passive aggressive either.

  8. #137
    Platinum Member katrina1980's Avatar
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    akr, how long have you been dating?

    I'm unclear about that.

    Also would you be feeling this way if it wasn't long distance?

    JMO but I don't think the distance is relevant, someone is either ready and desirous of being in a committed relationship or not, regardless of the distance.

    Pushing it (continuing to discuss) isn't gonna suddenly transform him into a man who wants it, if in his heart of hearts he doesn't.

    Again regardless of the distance.

  9. #138
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    Originally Posted by akrngrl
    I mean I can only really go based on his word. He did end up hiding the gps location one we are matched on and the one we actually met through you update the location manually (and he had updated to his new location where heíll be next month at some point, but I donít know if it was before or after he said he wasnít on them anymore).

    As Iíve said, this seems more to be an issue to the idea of commitment and being with anyone at all rather than just wondering if Iím the right woman for that role. Iím not going to insist that, but thatís what heís making it out to be. Heís said its got nothing to do at all with dating sites and keeping his options open.

    I am not. Iím not much for multi-dating, itís still a grey area if mine should be disabled because I did it a week ago in front of him, but then I made a comment about getting profiles back when he didnít agree to be official and he was like ďyou can if you want-Iím not looking to meet anyone elseĒ or something like that.

    I swipe here and there and have responded to a few messages. No one at all worthwhile and usually I go a year or so between actually meeting someone worth more than a first meet, but I question if itís even fair to meet someone else in the position Iím in.
    So in other words, no, you don't know for a fact he's not dating anyone else?

  10. #139
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by akrngrl
    I feel like I am his girlfriend-weíre just not calling it that.
    While I wound't call this ignorant and entitled, I would call it risky. And, to push you a bit, dishonest. Some backpedaling. Sounds a bit like a way of filling in a the gap you need to be comfortable rather than accepting the gap and seeing if you can still find comfort.

    Relationshipsófrom casual to serious, from a four day fling to a 40 year marriageówork because two people are sharing a narrative, building a narrative together, and doing so pretty organically. Those narratives are probably never in pitch perfect sync, and converge and diverge over time. But they need to be close and they need a shared center to return to when one or both people diverge.

    So if I'm in an awesome relationship with someone because there are no strings attached and she's an awesome relationship with me because she believes we're attaching stringsówell, problem. We're telling two different stories and, as such, can't build a story together. Just like reinvent said, in her story: she and her brief guy were living in two different realities. Not sustainable.

    Sure, you can broach everything in a few weeksóif, that is, you can actually go a few weeks without broaching this in a loop in your mind. If you can genuinely settle into this place, whatever it is, right now. And that's the key.

    But please avoid the dropping of comments. That never works. As subtle as you think you're being, those droplets always land like anvils. Too heavy on a fragile foundation.

  11. #140
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    Originally Posted by akrngrl
    Batya, thatís a good point. Is there a way to broach that in a few weeks maybe if he hasnít had anything new or novel to report.

    I literally cringe to being this up again and have to go round four because that might even do it for me, but your absolutely right. Iím still kind of leaning toward needing to know where we stand and at least what is/is not acceptable or expected before he leaves. Even if that doesnít look like gf/bf commitment-I need to know on some level whatís going on.

    I figure I could drop comments when he talks about plans or the future, but I donít want them to go over his head to where he doesnít notice or come off as bitter and passive aggressive either.
    No dropping comments. Someone who wants to be with you will welcome the directness. When my husband and I got back together after several years apart (we dated then, weren't married) we knew we were going to be long distance and that factored in because if we got back together what would be the point of traveling to see each other and putting in all that extra effort if we weren't committed to each other? So we had approximately a two minute conversation: we were back together in order to see if this time we would get married. Did we hash out details about dating/exclusivity - no - it's obvious that if the purpose is serious long term potential you're not going to look to date others - you're focusing on each other only to see if there is serious potential. There is no way I would have put in that time and effort without that understanding and he would not have either.

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