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Thread: Update & question on where to go from here

  1. #121
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    . .ya'll made my day.
    Did we allóand I'm including you in this, AKójust make a cool memory together?

    I think so.

    Feeling grateful.

  2. #122
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    This makes me recall a man I was dating. Everything I previously described. We were dating only each other and sexually exclusive. I would have preferred things to roll a little slower, but we were 6 weeks in and having a great time. At least that was my experience.

    There wasn't anyone else on my radar and I looked forward to every time I saw him. He needed answers, he forecasted, he wanted labels.
    This ran it's course because he couldn't trust the moment and get out of his head.

    In the end I told him we were having two entirely different experiences. I was have great time, enjoying his company and excited to see where this would go, and in turn he was absolutely miserable because I didn't have a crystal ball, I couldn't predict the future 6 weeks in and I couldn't give him guarantees.

    Ask me in a few more more weeks, then I need to put it in on paper. But until then. . .

  3. #123
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    This makes me recall a man I was dating. Everything I previously described. We were dating only each other and sexually exclusive. I would have preferred things to roll a little slower, but we were 6 weeks in and having a great time. At least that was my experience.

    There wasn't anyone else on my radar and I looked forward to every time I saw him. He needed answers, he forecasted, he wanted labels.
    This ran it's course because he couldn't trust the moment and get out of his head.

    In the end I told him we were having two entirely different experiences. I was have great time, enjoying his company and excited to see where this would go, and in turn he was absolutely miserable because I didn't have a crystal ball, I couldn't predict the future 6 weeks in and I couldn't give him guarantees.

    Ask me in a few more more weeks, then I need to put it in on paper. But until then. . .
    Good golly, folks need to chill!

    Not referring to you OP, but some people are just not cut out for dating, that's all there is to it.

    They want/need insta-relationship to alleviate their anxiety, complete with a label, a title and a guarantee of where it's going, blah blah.

    Problem is that need typically drives their partner in the opposite direction, just like what happened with you reinvent.

    Which is really a shame since you did like him at first.

    A real pity.

  4. #124
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Good golly, folks need to chill!

    Not referring to you OP, but some people are just not cut out for dating, that's all there is to it.

    They want/need insta-relationship to alleviate their anxiety, complete with a label, a title and a guarantee of where it's going, blah blah.

    Problem is that need typically drives their partner in the opposite direction, just like what happened with you reinvent.

    Which is really a shame since you did like him at first.

    A real pity.
    Amen!

    I have found myself in reinvent's shoes a lot. Her story reminded me of someone I was seeing, very briefly, over the summer, where after like nine dates she seemed to want all if it, now.

    It made no sense. She lived on the other side of the country, was about to spend a month in Europe, and we'd just met, just started connecting. But she needed the crystal ball that I just didn't have.

    I backed away, fast. Not the easiest choice, as she was stunning, compelling, the sex was extraordinary, and the whimsical corridor of my mind was already fantasizing about what we could be, down the line. But to me that kind of behavior just signals something unpalatable.

    Confident as I may be, and much as I love to be fawned over, I just remember thinking: you do not want some label because of your feelings for me, but to feel better for yourself. Made me feel less like a person than a vessel to realize preexisting hopes and quell preexisting fears. I'm a pretty fit guy, but that was too much weight to imagine lifting.

    I still think about her, too. She was great. But, yeah, no chill.

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  6. #125
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Amen!

    I have found myself in reinvent's shoes a lot. Her story reminded me of someone I was seeing, very briefly, over the summer, where after like nine dates she seemed to want all if it, now.

    It made no sense. She lived on the other side of the country, was about to spend a month in Europe, and we'd just met, just started connecting. But she needed the crystal ball that I just didn't have.

    I backed away, fast. Not the easiest choice, as she was stunning, compelling, the sex was extraordinary, and the whimsical corridor of my mind was already fantasizing about what we could be, down the line. But to me that kind of behavior just signals something unpalatable.

    Confident as I may be, and much as I love to be fawned over, I just remember thinking: you do not want some label because of your feelings for me, but to feel better for yourself. Made me feel less like a person than a vessel to realize preexisting hopes and quell preexisting fears. I'm a pretty fit guy, but that was too much weight to imagine lifting.

    I still think about her, too. She was great. But, yeah, no chill.
    I tend to agree as Iíve been in the space of lovebombing and Iím like ďwoah dude you donít even know meĒ.

    Iím not 100% sure why I want the title, I just keep thinking heís exciting and great and I want to plan all these fun things and trips with him, I want to build towards something. When we were planning for vacation three months from now it just seemed like a given honestly lol. I guess I also donít want to come back here and be like ďitís been 6 months and he still deflects about the -labelĒ.

    Itís the up and down of how long is too long to wait, because I am a rationalizer. I will convince myself ďwell weíre doing all the things couples do so itís just the label thatís missing - itís okayĒ. Like right now, if I never asked him, to me Iíd think we were a couple. I guess I have a lower threshold for willing to pursue something though.

    My max the last few years has been five dates before the glaring incompatibilities came out and I exit stage left. It sounds like heís got less dating experience and has really only ever had relationships. So it could just be an experience difference. Iím well aware of my dealbreakers and I can spot them quick.

    Aside from all this hubalub Iíve been posting about literally the only peculiar thing that comes to mind is that we never really talk about me. Heíll say he hopes my day is going well and all, but our conversations are largely about his job and travels. Itís interesting and something I find super cool so I want to know everything and ask questions accordingly. My stuff just doesnít come up and if it does he responds with ďoh thatís coolĒ and thatís pretty much it, never really asks anything.

    I donít really care and had to think real hard to even come up with it. Perhaps itís a symptom of not wanting to get close, perhaps he just truly doesnít care. Itís far from a dealbreaker because I like what I do enough that I donít need to talk about it.

    I donít want to be the lady badgering for commitment with no chill. Thatís not my style. Heck I would have preferred if he had brought it up-Iíve never asked someone to be my boyfriend before and after this probably never will lol. Iím glad I didnít sit on feelings though. Old me would have and just let my mind run away. Iím making slow progress, but progress and all of your stories are helping immensely to see all the facets of different relationships and how people approach them.

  7. #126
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    I donít really care and had to think real hard to even come up with it. Perhaps itís a symptom of not wanting to get close, perhaps he just truly doesnít care. Itís far from a dealbreaker
    Ive stopped responding because I dont think its my place anymore, Im just far to grounded to keep going in circles, but if you like it, I love it... this sentence made me sad though...

    I wish you luck on your journey and I do hope you keep us updated, I also hope you arent in the same spot 6 months from now, still being told youre the problem for dating with intentions and not accepting indecision.

  8. #127
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    Ive stopped responding because I dont think its my place anymore, Im just far to grounded to keep going in circles, but if you like it, I love it... this sentence made me sad though...

    I wish you luck on your journey and I do hope you keep us updated, I also hope you arent in the same spot 6 months from now, still being told youre the problem for dating with intentions and not accepting indecision.
    Thank you FIO! I most certainly will. Iíve gotten some really great advice from you and everyone and if nothing else I see that there are SO many ways to approach one thing.

    I hope not either . Iím taking it day by day so far, but likely will only be able to hold that space for so long with him knowing my intentions. Hopefully we can both be respectful of each otherís needs and find a good solution.

  9. #128
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by akrngrl
    Thank you FIO! I most certainly will. Iíve gotten some really great advice from you and everyone and if nothing else I see that there are SO many ways to approach one thing.

    I hope not either . Iím taking it day by day so far, but likely will only be able to hold that space for so long with him knowing my intentions. Hopefully we can both be respectful of each otherís needs and find a good solution.
    Sounds like your head stayed level after all.

    Im hopeful. Fingers crossed it all smooths out.

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  13. #129
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Have you considered getting a well written profile and some good recent pics on some high quality (paid) dating apps? You claim you want the marriage, kids, house thing one day.... or at least a somewhat committed long term relationship for starters. But the chances of finding that by swiping through abysmal low quality (free) dating apps is very slim. Settling for "confused", ambiguous and long distance guys isn't a step toward what you claim your goals are.

    It's already apparent that except for the attraction and relief from dating that this is an incompatible nonviable situation. You understandably would like some tangible concrete answers and some definition, but he prefers things to just coast along and continues to play dodge ball. All this analysis and contemplation may entertain you for a while but if it sidesteps your goals and replaces that with cheap filler, what's the point?
    Originally Posted by akrngrl
    Ultimately I want to get married, which I suppose seems conflicting with being okay with a LDR I suppose I always assumed if/when I met the right guy my desire to be with him would override my desire for space.
    Iím swiping for the sake of saying Iím swiping and because itís available, but local options are tragic.

  14. #130
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    Two things -why is "girlfriend" "just a label to you" - that's the impression I get.

    Also his lack of follow up reminded me of something. I have a work friend over the last 2 years -we met at a company seminar and we don't work together but we got into the habit of having lunch every month or two. We were both newish at the company. Over time we've gotten closer -slowly, but surely. She's on the reserved side and I respect that and do not pry but I also love her stories/interests (travel, marathon running, music, etc). She said to me - uncharacteristically - a few months ago "you're a really good listener. you ask really good follow up questions". It's not something I tried and actually I wanted to be careful not to pry if anything. So you know -I think it's mostly natural - yes, I'm an extrovert - but I'm naturally curious about people plus she has really interesting stories/insights to share so I want to know more, I want her to elaborate.

    I had a long term boyfriend who was bad at following up - what I would do -not sarcastically -with a lighthearted tone "hey I can do your side of the conversation?" [yes] "So, [my name] - what happened then? How did you feel when you got that e-mail/what did you decide to do??" Sometimes he would get it. It felt better than being direct in that moment with "don't you care about how I stubbed my toe running for the bus and then realized it was all a dream??"

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