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Thread: Tips for dealing with emotionally abusive parents?

  1. #1
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    Tips for dealing with emotionally abusive parents?

    Hey, so I'm 20 (21 in March), nursing student, live with both of my parents. Learned a lot about narcissism, especially since my first boyfriend was one. And my parents are both... Let's add verbally/emotionally abusive.

    My mom: doesn't work/disabled, gaslights, lies, verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, controlling. Always want my sister and I to feel sorry for her bc of her illness..but she knows what she's doing. People have complained of her behavior..and I finally understand.

    My dad: lies, emotionally abusive...but he's not as bad as my mom.
    My parents' marriage is broken. My dad doesn't respect her & my mom is both verbally/physically abusive to him at times. She dislikes when my sister and I are close or talks to him.

    Now I don't tell my mom anything personal...because she always find a way to use it against me. For example, she brought up my ex... (She doesn't know the full details of the breakup)... And when I did tell her SMALL of my feelings. She had the audacity to say I was acting sluggish bc of him? Like... We've been broken up for almost two years.

    I lived away for two years..so I was happy and also went into therapy for the first time in my life..which really helped. Learned to express my feelings...and I've told her more than once she's emotionally abusive (big arguments). I'm no longer scared of her & tell her facts how it is. And of course she used manipulation tactics: cries, threaten to cut off my aid...never does. I came back home to live with them for nursing school last year..and because of the arguments and all, I made Cs for the first time in my academic career.

    Now that I'm going taking six classes, I really don't have time for the bs. I was thinking of sitting them down and telling them straight up. And I was also thinking of mentioning counseling.

    I can't move out as I am in nursing school & somewhat dependent on them. As of now, I just stay at school until 11 or elsewhere.

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    The best solution is to leave. Get grants or loans ,work whatever you have to do but just leave and carry-on .

  3. #3
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    You have to find a way to move out. Look online, just rent a room in someobe’s house and get a small part-time job to pay for it. If you have to cut back on your classes and it takes you a little longer, that’s better than living in a toxic situation.

    You will gain nothing from the talk you want to have with them. Nothing.

    Minimize all contact and communication with them. Say hello, exchange pleasantries, and go to your room while you plot your escape from these toxic people.

    Just because someone birthed you does not make them a parent. But right now, they do have power, as they are paying for you. Cut them off from your financial cord. Get student loans, a job waiting tables at night, whatever you can do.

  4. #4
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    Not as easy as it sounds...

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  6. #5
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    The plan was to move out after graduation. Because in the Nigerian culture, most young adults don't move out unless they have a good job. And I can't work because of my nursing program... It'll only have to be in the summer because the program is rigorous.
    I'm thinking of living with someone during my senior year.
    I don't want to prolong my graduation...because I'm already on the right track.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by oheyitsfaith
    Now that I'm going taking six classes, I really don't have time for the bs. I was thinking of sitting them down and telling them straight up. And I was also thinking of mentioning counseling.
    I'd rethink that idea, it's the perfect way to provoke your folks into being worse. How would you respond to someone coming into your home and telling you how they want you to behave?

    Skip that drama, and remind yourself that you're there voluntarily--you haven't been kidnapped or victimized. This is the tradeoff you've decided to make in order to go to school. You have other options. You can work as an aide in shifts around your schooling until you wrack up the credits to take the LPN exam to bump up your pay grade. This would earn you the money to move in with other students or nurses to share rent.

    People support themselves through school all the time, I did it. If you'd rather live with your parents, then get clear about your role there: it's not to play social worker, it's to be a good tenant and a good student until you decide to move on.

  8. #7
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    I agree with the consensus.

    If you sit your parents down to tell them that they are emotionally abusive and that you want them to get counseling... what WON’T happen is them saying “omg! Really? You mean we’re emotionally abusive? Of course, let’s go fix this!”. Not gonna happen. Not. Gonna. Happen.

    People take a very long time to change in any significant way (ie: years) and it often takes years to get them to even agree to go to counseling. Kudos to you for taking the initiative yourself - that is awesome - but trying to change others... that’s a whole other thing...

    You are an adult now. Your best options, in my opinion are to:

    a) do what you are doing. Study at the library, stay away as much as possible and use any altercations as fuel for your fire to study and get out

    b) get out now

    Your parents lying, the illnesses, the state of their marriage, etc - that stuff has probably been around for years and will take years upon years to fix. You have a couple of semesters left. Concentrate on your school, not on your parents. That’s something you have more control over and will be more helpful to you in the long run.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    These are the best 2 approaches. They are not going to change. Keep busy. Think of it as a room and board place. They are doing you a favor letting you stay there. They owe you nothing. Telling them off won't help a thing. However learning and maintaining better boundaries will.

    Stay out as much as possible. Start a study group. Go to the library a lot. Hang out with friends more. Get up, go to class, stay out, do whatever you have to do, join a gym, sports, groups clubs, whatever. Get a part time job. Their dynamic is not going to change. It's your job to change, not theirs.
    Originally Posted by oheyitsfaith
    I don't tell my mom anything personal. I just stay at school until 11 or elsewhere.

  10. #9
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    Why don't you just move out?


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