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Thread: Need help to understand, advice please

  1. #1

    Need help to understand, advice please

    So the short of it is as follows. I've been married for 3 years and from time to time my wife tells small lies, it's nothing serious but I know she does and iam pretty layed back so I usually let it slide. Iam not worried about her cheating or anything like that as we have kids and are generally a happy couple - this recent one has really upset me and not sure what it's about and don't know how to bring up or even if I should. So 6 months ago she said she received a random card from an old friend which had arrived in the post - it was a moon pig card with a message saying her old friend was sending her to the magic mike show in London and she was meeting her there. This is totally cool with me but as time has passed and i just knew she was not being honest about something. Her friend all of a sudden 'can't make it' and she says she is taking some other friends which just seemed really strange. All this time when I say anything abiut the show she as kept up that she would never choose to go to something like this and would never book it. While she was away last night at the show I seen the ticket master stub in the house she left behind so I looked up her ticket master account and right enough - she booked and payed for the tickets herself. I then looked up her account with moon pig and found she sent the card to herself.... We have a totally (so I thought) open relationship, we talk about absolutely everything. I know the first thought is perhaps she thought I wouldn't approve of her going to the show but I can't stress enough how open we are about anything like that. I just can't see why or how she would ever think that would be an issue... Iam feeling pretty hurt by the complexity of the lie and how much she's put into hiding it from me... Any thoughts please on what's going on or how I should bring it up... I hate arguing and just can't wrap my head around it. Perhaps I should bring it up, that's crossed my mind as I don't have any issue with her going at all, just that she's been lieing for so long but iam genuinely hurt and not sure how I can trust her with anything else like this and not be bitter. Its really far from the main issue but to my calculations between hotels (really nice one) first class to London, tickets for her friends, new outfit, hair/makeup done it's like 1500 which is a lot ONLY because it's all for this diseption. I mean I've been running around helping her get ready... I feel like a fool... Advice please. Sorry for the random order and bad discription of events.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    You need to confront her about it. You shouldn't be walking on eggshells afraid of conflict and confrontation. If the relationship is so open and with so much dialogue, talking to her shouldn't be a issue. I'd sit calmly with her and expose the situation and also the past lies and see what she says.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    I would tell her that something wasn't making sense to you, and you felt the need to figure out why. Explain that every time you find out about her lies, that it's affecting the marriage. I believe that people who chronically lie have been doing so since childhood, and it's probably a form of how they learned to deal with family dynamics. If the behavior continues, suggest personal counseling for her or attend marital counseling.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why do you think she needed this ruse? Are there financial issues? Are there fights about going out/places? Seems like a lot of simple things that no one would bother lying about...unless they are afraid of something or wish for more autonomy.

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  6. #5
    This is what's blowing my mind - if we had issues about going out or something or if she thought I was insecure then yes I would understand but there is nothing like that in orur relationship. Money is not the issue - we do pretty well, I only mentioned thr amount as its a lot on top of a lie other than that she knows I wouldn't give a monkeys if she told me that's what she wanted to spend it on...

  7. #6
    Iam going to speak to her once kids are in bed, Iam unbelievablely anxious that she won't understand how much its hurt and play it down.. If she does then Iam not sure I will be able to move past it without a serious chip on my shoulder...

  8. #7
    Thanks for your messages BTW, its been nice to have an honest opinion and helped me realise iam not being ott about this am I?

  9. #8
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    Her behavior is very strange.

  10. #9
    Just thought I would update you all since we talked. So I just came out and said I know about her sending the card to herself and couldn't understand why she would lie... She had a bit of a go saying she was pissed I was think ming of myself being hurt and not figuring out why she would do it which turns out she was embarrassed her friends never do anything for/with her and wanted to show she had good friends.... She told me to leave her alone and stay away so i went out for a few hours and then came home to find her in the spare room un willing to talk. Next morning I tried speaking again and she broke down a little and explained she was ashamed of what she had done and off her own back brought up that she has been telling small liea like these her whole life and doesn't understand why... We broke some real ground and now that she has admitted it all she says she would like to speak to a therapist about it. I know it sounds bad but iam pretty happy with the outcome - it would have been much worse if she denied any of it and would have been left un able to trust her. Thanks for the help.

  11. #10
    Member PerkyGreek's Avatar
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    Hi Confusedhub,
    At least there is a good turn of events. Extend her a lot of grace since she confessed and offered to see a therapist. However, be alert and keep a watchful eye. There are cases similar to this where it is not over yet. Humans are creatures of habit and little lies are knee-jerk reactions to problem solving. I do not want to sound like an alarmist but people sometimes confess and apologize sincerely when they are caught but next time will try their best to cover up. So, just be on guard without being over suspicious. I have seen this happen to some of my friends.

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