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Thread: Is my ex gay?

  1. #31
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    Again, if it soothes you to tell yourself he's gay, then tell yourself he's gay.

    I mean, it absolves you of all responsibility for anything that wasn't working in the relationship. If you need that, then go ahead with the "he's gay!" theory.

  2. #32
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    OK let's play a game here.

    The game is called: He comes out of the closet, announces he's gay, and finds himself a boyfriend.

    Then what?

    The game is: You figure out why you stayed with him for 6 years.
    He didn't deny you sex; you chose to stay in a sexless relationship.
    He didn't hold a gun to your head. You chose to stay there.

    Why did you choose to stay in a loveless, sexless relationship?

    See? It doesn't matter if he's gay, bi, or Caitlin Jenner. Why did you stay?

  3. #33
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    His actions, or inaction more aptly says a lot more about how he feels about you than about his preferred gender.

    If anything he's just not all that into sex but to say he'd rather be with a guy just because he isn't all that interested is quite the assumption.

  4. #34
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    You figure out why you stayed with him for 6 years.
    He didn't deny you sex; you chose to stay in a sexless relationship.
    He didn't hold a gun to your head. You chose to stay there.

    Why did you choose to stay in a loveless, sexless relationship?

    See? It doesn't matter if he's gay, bi, or Caitlin Jenner. Why did you stay?
    This is the stuff that's probably more helpful to contemplate than anything about your ex, OP.

    Did you stay with this guy based on a fantasy that he would someday turn his ship around and suddenly check IN to the relationship?

    Are you still holding onto that fantasy today?

    If deciding that he's gay will somehow allow you to let go, then decide that he's gay.

    If instead of letting go, you'd rather hold onto injury for being deceived by that, then decide that he's either been unaware that he's gay, or otherwise unable to reconcile it.

    No matter how you slice this, it makes no sense to project your unwillingness to let go onto him. You keep drilling yourself a deeper hole to climb out of each time you ruminate over the guy, and that's on you--not him.

    Could the problem be that you haven't enriched you own life enough to find a focus you're willing to move TOWARD? If so, then try deciding that if the two of you were ever a meant-to-be deal, you'll both meet on higher ground someday, but you'll both need to reach that place on your own. In which case, what can you focus on to reach your own higher ground? Can you invest in developing resilience as a life skill and push yourself toward self enrichment through studies, interests, career, and building better bonds with family, friends, and your community?

    Stagnating in the past is a downward spiral. What steps can you take to reverse this?

    Head high, and I hope you'll decide to focus on something inspiring and productive. This is not that.

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  6. #35
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    sadchick, so if I am interpreting this correctly, believing he's gay would make you feel less rejected?

    Like he did not reject you because you're unattractive, not sexual enough, not good enough, his rejection had nothing to do with you, it was because he prefers men?

    I suppose I understand the mindset, but it's not healthy because what will happen when the next man, who is not gay, rejects you??

    Will you spin yourself in a downward spiral after that too?

    You need to learn now to handle rejection, that would be the healthier and more productive thing to do rather than come up with a scenario to somehow justify the rejection that has no basis in fact, only assumptions that on their face could mean anything.

    He could simply be effeminate, many men are. Not my cup of tea but many women prefer it.

    He could have a very low testosterone level = low sex drive.

    He enjoys dressing nice, a bit finicky, appreciates beauty in a man, same as I can appreciate beauty in a woman, I will look at a very beautiful woman and sometimes comment, but I don't have a gay bone in my body.

    Your assumptions are just that -- assumptions.

    It's what you want to believe because to believe otherwise, that he just wasn't into you, is a reality you are unable to deal and cope with, so you'd rather live in never-never land, which is not a good or healthy place to live!

    Forget about him, work on you! Including why you chose to remain in a sexless unsatisfying relationship for 2+ years!

  7. #36
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    Thanks for all of your responses.

    First, I never meant anything to be derogatory. If any of you knew me personally you would know that it is not in my nature to insult people or be condescending in any way. The relationship was loving, but work stress, the death of his father, he was fired then re-hired, the decline in health of his mother put our sex life on the back burner. I truly loved this man, so I would not leave for lack of sex. I am one of those people who mate for life. If he became a quadriplegic, I would love him until death. Also, I thought at times it was normal. The last guy I dated was 28. This guy was in his 50s, so what the f did I know?

    At the moment, I am going through an extremely deep depression. Not sure what is going on with me and unfortunately I have basically no heath insurance at the moment and cannot speak to a professional. I made the mistake of moving for work so I am here in a small town with no friends, no family and my dog is having extreme separation anxiety, so I cannot leave my apartment without her going nuts (I signed something that says the dog will not be a nuisance or she will be confiscated - she goes to doggie daycare during the work week so basically from Friday night to Monday morning I cannot leave the apartment without her). I am basically in prison and going crazy rehashing this relationship. I’ve never felt so lonely ion my life. So, I came back to ENA. Many years ago, this site provided me with so much strength. It was 10x more cathartic than my therapist at the time.

    I also had to sign a non-disparagement agreement which basically means I cannot discuss the relationship with anyone except a therapist. I wish I could call a friend and talk about this, but I cannot. Very hard for someone that wears their heart on their sleeve. All of these stupid things are making me obsess about the relationship. Like why did I give up my life (initially) to move to him in the first place? If he knew he was gay, this is a complete BS move on his part. I sold my house gave up everything for a facade. To be a beard. OK, maybe I will never know for absolute certainty if he is gay, but like everyone on ENA, we come here for some answers, some clarity, possibly some dialogue with someone else who may have gone through something similar. Sue me if I fall in this category.

    Thanks again (sincerely) for your posts. I’ll try to work on myself.

  8. #37
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    Originally Posted by sadchick83
    I also had to sign a non-disparagement agreement which basically means I cannot discuss the relationship with anyone except a therapist.
    I've never heard of such a thing.

    Who held a gun to your head and made you sign this? You say you "had to". Who made you?

  9. #38
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    Well, we had a fight...I questioned the gay thing, he instantly broke up with me - basically threw me and the dog on the street, but agreed to give me some money so I could get an apartment - if, and only if I signed the agreement.

    Not sure if you have ever lived/worked in NYC LH, but you have to make 90x your rent in income in order qualify for an apartment. Rent @ $3,500/month (studio) = annual income of $315,000.

    So I “had to” so I could keep my job and not become a homeless/unemployed person on a week’s notice.

  10. #39
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    Originally Posted by sadchick83
    Well, we had a fight...I questioned the gay thing, he instantly broke up with me - basically threw me and the dog on the street, but agreed to give me some money so I could get an apartment - if, and only if I signed the agreement.

    Not sure if you have ever lived/worked in NYC LH, but you have to make 90x your rent in income in order qualify for an apartment. Rent @ $3,500/month (studio) = annual income of $315,000.

    So I “had to” so I could keep my job and not become a homeless/unemployed person on a week’s notice.
    Why wouldn’t you go home to Canada?

    So you weren’t really blindsided by a break up . You challenged his sexuality .

  11. #40
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Why wouldn’t you go home to Canada?
    Cant go back to Canada because I have a professional designation that is only recognized in the US. Also, why should I be forced back because I outed him? I worked very hard to get where I am professionally. I was blindsided by everything.

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