Feeling second best to the ex :( PLEASE HELP

My partner and I have been dating for nearly a year now, he had only been single for six months after getting out of a seven year relationship. From what he has told me it didn’t end very well and bad things were said from both parties. As the New Year has passed he has texted his ex to apologise for what was said during the break up, I respect the kind hearted side of him that felt like he needed to apologise but at the same time it just made me feel like it was opening the door to possibilities of them trying to fix things.

Ever since we have got together I have always felt second best to her, they have a long past and his family talks about her a lot, I have expressed my concerns to him but he says I have nothing to worry about but I just can’t shake the feeling that I will be pushed aside or just always be second best. Am I being irrational?

Any advice is appreciated, just need some guidance, thank you.

Aside from this one reach out have they been in touch in the year you've been together? Does he talk about her often? Like, these concerns you've expressed? What's triggering them? Are you generally someone who is jealous of other women, who questions your own value, who gets anxious inside of relationships?

At the end of the day it kind of doesn't matter if you're being irrational or if your gut is telling you something is off. Both of those paths lead you to the same place, which is where you are: edgy, uncertain, insecure, worried you can't quite compete with his ex. That doesn't sound like a very satisfying relationship to be in.

Another question: What's your own relationship history? Have you ever been in a relationship of seven years? I ask because I think it's really easy to get into anxiety wormholes when someone else's baggage is a drastically different shape than our own.

Why do you feel this way? Have you felt this way in other relationships?

Hello TLC and welcome.

Although I can't say if I would feel second best necessarily but my boyfriend of one year reaching out to his ex (for whatever reason) would definitely bother me, a lot, so I definitely hear ya on that.

I am only speculating of course but it would seem he's not 100% over her, and the New Year has sparked some unresolved feelings so he reached out to apologize. There may be other reasons as well, but this is what he told you (assuming HE is the one who told you).

I am wondering how you found out, did he tell you? Or were you snooping? Do you know if she responded back, what was said and if they're still communicating?

The answers to these questions would determine how I would proceed forward.

IF he is still communicating with her, I would have to know in what capacity. On its face, I wouldn't like it, would be suspicious of it, and may walk away.

I'd never ask him to stop, he's gonna do what he wants to do, it's up to me whether or not to accept it.

I know there are many who see no issue interacting with an ex, but for me, when it comes to ex's, I prefer to date and have relationships with men who are (1) 100% over their ex, and (2) don't communicate with their ex's, unless they have a child together.

That text on New Year will certainly alarm me too. If you have expressed your concerns, give him time to make that change of speaking minimally about her. On the other hand, watch out for that diminishing interest in conversations that do not involve her.

I say let it go and make this work as much as you can, help him get past this person and make it better for both of you. Try to push the doubts aside. You will know when the time comes to make a decision.

If you are not secure in the relationship with this man, if you have ALWAYS felt second best to his ex or compared yourself to her or you feel he is hoping that his reach out to her is an attempt to start something up with his ex again... then why in the world are you staying with this guy who you don't trust worth a dime?

You leave relationships like that that make you insecure and feeling undervalued and untrusting of the person you are with. You don't stick with them and go on a forum board and ask if other people would feel the same as you. Life is short and you shouldn't waste good dating years on someone who you are this doubtful of.

You are correct to be concerned. It's not about second best or jealousy. It's about him not being over her, continuing contact, having regrets, having feelings of needing to make amends, having unfinished business, etc. He is looking to repair things. Why is his family talking to you about her as if you are not in the room? Think about that. He is never going to tell you "you are a place holder/warm body until I can get her back".

he had only been single for six months after getting out of a seven year relationship.

 

he has texted his ex to apologise for what was said during the break up. his family talks about her a lot.

They were in touch at the start just so he could collect his things from her parents house (which he still hasn’t got back).

I have been in relationships but this is my first ‘proper’ relationship, I’m 20 and he is 25 so she was his ‘high school sweetheart’.

He doesn’t talk about her, only when his family bring her up. Which is nearly every time we visit them.

I agree with you completely, I do feel as though I’m feeling this way simply because I haven’t been in a serious relationship, in a way it’s kind of intimidating to me to know how much past he has with this one girl.

Thank you for replying :)

Wow. Is his family clueless or vindictive? Don't be a doormat. I'd say to him: It's not a lot of fun for me when your family brings your ex up every time we visit, and talking about her with you is probably not good for your closure. Can you ask that they stop mentioning her to us when we visit?

You also need to explain to him your relationship boundaries and see if he agrees. If not, he's not the right guy for you. If he hasn't gotten his possessions back by know, oh well. He has apologized so that's done. He has no further reason to stay in contact, so if he insists on that, you know where the door is. If you do not feel special in a relationship and the reason is your partner's behavior, then don't stick around for more of that. He's not the only cute guy in the world, and at your age, I'm sure you have no problem meeting single guys your age. Good luck.

he had only been single for six months after getting out of a seven year relationship.

Am I being irrational?

No, you're learning the typical down side of positioning yourself as someone's rebound after their serious LTR or marriage. Their attention and often rushed investment is sexy and tempting at first, until you realize that you can't compete with the history an unhealed lover has with someone else.

I'd sidestep the eventual speech about what a terrific person I am, but he really should have taken more time to stabilize into single life, and I'd raise the issue instead. I'd tell him that I adore him and can picture the two of us happy together in the future, and that's why I need to walk away while we both still think highly of one another. He can take all the time he needs to settle his old business, and if he ever finds himself free and clear of ghosts and fully ready to attempt a committed relationship with me, can can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up.

This would leave the door open while liberating myself from the stress of waiting for that shoe to drop.

Great advice from catfeeder^^, per usual.

All you can do is step way back from this. It's not going well now and it certainly won't end well. He is clearly not over her and hasn't cut ties in any way and obviously hopes to get her back. Don't be a warm body until he either gets her back or heals from it all and moves on.

They were in touch at the start just so he could collect his things from her parents house (which he still hasn’t got back).

 

I am wondering how you found out, did he tell you? Or were you snooping? Do you know if she responded back, what was said and if they're still communicating?

 

TLC you never responded to this question, can you respond?

If you snooped, that would suggest things are off and there is a lack of trust on your part.

It would be wise to focus on and explore that (within yourself) regardless of what's happening between him and his ex.