Four Years

I remember years ago I used to post stuff about me and my failed attempts to get back with my ex. it kind of seems like a lifetime but in someways it does not. On and off my ex would attempt to contact me through a mutual friend, an intermediary, she would tell him to tell me "how is North Korea?" I would reply, I would just laugh it off. Little did I know that she was a drug addict who refuses to seek help. So whatever love I had for her in the past more or less vanished. I do miss her company, and liked her loyalty. Everyone that came after her has failed in the loyalty department.

In any case, since the breakup, I met people and within a month or two they would be gone. I have had no interest in keep friendships and neglected them. Whatever few remaining friends I have say, that I live in my head or is in a bubble or insulated from the world. In the female department, I met girls who are cheaters, have multiple children with multiple men, and just have so much baggage. I guess since my ex, I have seen how people are and have lost interest in certain parts of my life. Aside from that, I have a great job that I love and make some good money. There are times when I just wish someone could come alone my path but.... miracles outside of a theological nature just do not happen

Yeah man, I feel you. You are still in the learning and growing into yourself phase. Understanding how the world really is. I really started to understand people and the world when I went backpacking at 40. I wasn't in the best place, but it opened my eyes and mind to the world, both the reality of it, and that of our western society. Just let life flow over you and make it your own, and with it, someone will come. But this is only going to happen once you let go of this image of the last one and stop comparing them.

Also, we tend to look and judge others without looking at ourselves. We surround ourselves in our own baggage pretending it's not there while avoiding others because of theirs.

I have had no interest in keep friendships and neglected them. Whatever few remaining friends I have say, that I live in my head or is in a bubble or insulated from the world. ...

 

...There are times when I just wish someone could come alone my path but.... miracles outside of a theological nature just do not happen

You're right, no miracles can happen in a vacuum. Isolation is a place of stagnation, and my heart goes out to you. If you're devoid of all interest in the people around you, that's a deep hole to climb out of, and isolation can only keep drilling it deeper.

Behaviors drive emotions, not the other way around. This was helpful for me to grasp, because during times spent inside pits of my own, I discovered that if I wait until I 'feel like' reaching beyond the walls I've created, I'll never dig my way out. I had to behave my way out (and trust that emotional inspiration would follow later).

Are there any people in your life who you care about? Have you considered or attempted therapy to work beyond this state?