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Thread: BF obsessed with ex.

  1. #41
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    You need to leave for your mental health. This will become an unhealthy relationship with you becoming suspicious of every move he makes. Trying to find more signs of cheating. Trust me when I say that it will drive you into depression and anxiety. I’ve been there. Yes, he will twist it to make it sound like it was innocent. It isn’t. Leave now or else you will end up with thousands of dollars worth of therapy and taking anti-depressants. I thought I was going crazy and was close to being hospitalised. I will leave any future relationships at any red flags. Nobody is worth it.

  2. #42
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980

    How do you stay with a man after reading this?

    Again I ask, how do you stay with your bf knowing another woman lights his fire like crazy and presumably more than you ever will?
    I am re-quoting this^ as I think it bears repeating (imo).

    Not that cheating isn't a horrendous and often unforgivable act, it IS, but beyond that what would hurt (and anger) me more than anything is knowing that he's pining away for another woman, obsessing, fantasizing and my guess would be still in love with her.

    Again, how do you lie in bed with a man, make love with a man, spend intimate times with a man who you KNOW is obsessing over another woman? This is unfathomable to me and even if he weren't actually cheating (I suppose thus far he's emotionally cheating), I would still walk because when I'm in relationship, I am number one, and HE is my number one.

    And so what if he told her he's happy with you, happy is an ambiguous word, has many definitions, one of which is content. Which he may be, but he's not passionate about you, she is his passion obviously, so again just wondering what story you are telling yourself that makes you consider wanting to talk to him, I suppose in an effort to work it out?

    I hope you haven't catapulted yourself into denial - yes I know you've built a life together, but you can build a life with another man who doesn't long and obsess over his ex, and who isn't lying/deceiving you by communicating with her behind your back.

  3. #43
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    I really believed it was just a purely sexual thing. Like what he feels is just pure sex and she means nothing to him than just sex and no more, cause he’s with me. I thought if he was as into her he would simply be with her?

    Like she’s just a “thing” for him that he’s just in it for jerking off or ego boost.

    Could that be true?

  4. #44
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Stop being naive. No, you need to end this with him.

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  6. #45
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    Originally Posted by Reyhoney
    I really believed it was just a purely sexual thing. Like what he feels is just pure sex and she means nothing to him than just sex and no more, cause he’s with me. I thought if he was as into her he would simply be with her?

    Like she’s just a “thing” for him that he’s just in it for jerking off or ego boost.

    Could that be true?
    OMG I cannot believe this is your thought process. It's one of the worst cases of denial I've read.

    NO!!

    Originally Posted by Reyhoney

    They’ve been texting for a few weeks and mostly about sex. All they did together and loved, all they miss. They exchanged pictures too. In one of the texts they actually talk about meeting for sex. Then I come up. He tells her he’s happy with me but she still lights up his fire like crazy.
    No man would ever say this to a woman he was not still pining over, obsessing over, missing, longing for and possibly still in love with.

    He talks about sex with her because he wants to have sex with her!! Why? Because he's still obsessed with her and longing for her.

    She's number one, you're number two. If this is acceptable to you, carry on.

    It wouldn't be for most women, women who value themselves and have a respectable amount of self esteem and self respect.

  7. #46
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    Originally Posted by Reyhoney
    I really believed it was just a purely sexual thing. Like what he feels is just pure sex and she means nothing to him than just sex and no more, cause he’s with me. I thought if he was as into her he would simply be with her?

    Like she’s just a “thing” for him that he’s just in it for jerking off or ego boost.

    Could that be true?
    So you are completely, 100% fine with your boyfriend wanting sex with another woman who has said she wants sex with him? You can just completely put that out of your mind?

  8. #47
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm reluctant to get super analytical because it's clear that you are really, really eager to rationalize this, out of fear, rather than to acknowledge that you're truly not comfortable or at all okay with the situation you're in.

    Because if you were remotely comfortable with this—if you saw it as, like, a little kink of his, something you got off on, some unconventional way that made you guys strong and sexy together—then you wouldn't be posting about it here.

    That said, with the hope of removing those blinders, let's approach it like this...

    I'm going to assume that, before meeting him, you had sex with other people. Maybe other people you loved and had really amazing sex with. And, because you're human, maybe every now and then you think about those people, what you shared, the awesome sex you had.

    What do you do with those thoughts? Do you just kind of observe them, let them fade? Or do you reach for you phone and start sexting with those former loves and lovers while your bf is picking up take out?

    I'm assuming you don't do the latter because you're in a relationship. Because you think it would be disrespectful to your bf. Because it would verge very close to cheating. Because it is not a dynamic that you want in your life inside a committed relationship.

    Am I right? At least in the ballpark?

    If so, why would you find ways for it to be okay for him to do something you wouldn't be okay with?

  9. #48
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    So you are completely, 100% fine with your boyfriend wanting sex with another woman who has said she wants sex with him? You can just completely put that out of your mind?
    It's amazing how the mind works when we're in denial and aren't yet ready to face the reality of a situation.

  10. #49
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    Originally Posted by Reyhoney

    The problem is, he just got out of a super intense relationship and breakup 6 weeks ago. He said it wasn’t easy on him and he was bawling his eyes out for days after. (He didn’t flat out offer this information but I kind of probed him.) he only dated her for 8-9 months so I thought it wasn’t that serious.
    From your previous thread.

    The RL may not have been serious but his feelings for her sure were!! Clearly.

    He's not over her OP, I'm sorry.

    And if she wanted him back, don't think for a split second he wouldn't take her back -- she lights up his fire like crazy, remember?

  11. #50
    Platinum Member superfan's Avatar
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    You are coming on here looking for ways to excuse his behavior when there IS no excuse for it. He is cheating. You KNOW he is cheating. If not physcially, certainly emotionally. He doesn't respect you at all and you are accepting this because you somehow think he might change.

    He won't change.

    He is scum and if you let him walk all over you, he will continue to cheat.

    Why would you want this for yourself? You don't need to make an excuse. You don't need to justify it or give him a reason and certainly don't need to listen to him attempt to rationalise it.

    Just get your things and leave, or toss his out on the porch. Whichever.

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