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Thread: BF obsessed with ex.

  1. #191
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    Originally Posted by Reyhoney
    Bolt and blue, you both made really good points... I really appreciate it. Iím not sure how old you are, Iím 32 but not as near as wise. I always mean well but... I always do so poorly.

    Can I ask you one last thing? We obviously broke up before, and heís obviously still into her (at least sexually). Then what could be his reasoning to still be with me? And telling me he hopefully thinks Iím the one for him? That he could see us getting married?

    Is he just lying? To me? To himself?
    Because if he told you "I'm not 100% sure my ex wants me back. Since I HATE to be "alone", I need someone there to make me feel better about myself. I want you around until I know for sure what my ex wants. If she tells me to go away and leave her alone, I might settle for you. But until then, please soothe my ego", you wouldn't have stuck around. At least, I hope you wouldn't.

    However, he basically told you all of that with non-verbal communication. And yes, you did stick around. So, as Blue has said multiple times, how about instead of torturing yourself asking "why why WHY???!!!" about him, why not ask "why why WHY???" about yourself?

  2. #192
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Because if he told you "I'm not 100% sure my ex wants me back. Since I HATE to be "alone", I need someone there to make me feel better about myself. I want you around until I know for sure what my ex wants. If she tells me to go away and leave her alone, I might settle for you. But until then, please soothe my ego", you wouldn't have stuck around. At least, I hope you wouldn't.
    Right.

    And, right there, is where his lack of self-work and your lack of self-work collided and braided up. Because if he had the ability to put it like that? He'd be saying it to a friend, over drinks, and adding, "And that is why I'm going to therapy and being alone, because I'd be a danger to any woman right now."

    Which is, of course, the guy you want him to be, because that is the guy, in your aspirational version of yourself, who you are with.

    Thing is? You aren't those people. He got naked with a woman instead of being a mopey, self-evolving guy talking to a friend. And you were the woman he got naked with. And the rest, as the saying goes, is history.

    Neither of you want to be with the person you've been with, from A to Z, because neither of you want to be who you are next to each other. He doesn't want to be with a woman who is cool with a sad sack of a dude and you don't want to be with a sad sack of a dude. The poisonous part is some little microchip in both of you think the other is the solution.

    Outsource that self-work to another person and the walls crumble.

  3. #193
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    Youíre right... to him I was the portal to the picture perfect life he wanted. I was more suitable for him than the ex ďon paperĒ. With me he gets the stable secure life with a wife and kids in the suburbs... the ex was more on shaky grounds with him. With me he gets the life everyone around him expects him to get.

    You guys are right though... and Iím not going back. I do need alone time to spend with myself and probably a therapist. I was in a long 8 year relationship followed by mini relationships that didnít work out for different reasons... I (like him) thought I would get that perfect life everyone expects me to have, plus I loved him so much that I created this bubble world. Iíve been struggling a lot with my job last year (I finally have a new job) and he was always there supporting and encouraging me and really my rock. That was the good side of him. I do think part of him loved me, but not enough. Not enough to change him, like he couldnít change me.

    You were so good at all that analysis, I personally enjoy it, I donít have a few quiet thoughts so my head is constantly operating!

  4. #194
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Well, now we're getting somewhere!

    See what just happened? You turned the lens, just a bit, from him (and her) to you. After all, we (like you) don't "really" know if in you he saw a portal to a perfect life, just like I don't "really" know why my girlfriend is with me. I don't even know if the color "red" hits her eyes in the same as mine, you know? So maybe he did, maybe not. Doesn't quite matter, in the end, for your story.

    You also don't don't really know anything about his ex, or what she represents to him vs. what you represent. Those are just stories you're telling to find a way to sleep tonight. To "know" you'd need the impossible: a portal into his brain and heart. You don't get that in others, ever. But you do have one into your own.

    Again, the comparison instinct: it runs fierce in you! And I can't help but think it predated all this. No judgement, as I've got all sorts of tics, but I'm just saying that you have spent more time thinking about his ex than I've spent thinking about the exes of most women I've been with. And, yeah, some of those women were hung up on exes, and wrapped themselves around me on a Friday before going back to an ex come Monday. What those exes "represent" is that those womenógood women, I believeóweren't right for me, not then, which meant I wasn't right for them. So it goes. That's a story as old as time.

    Want me to take a deep stab in the dark? Goes like this: you spent 8 years with someone and broke up around 30, meaning the entirety of your 20s was spent primarily in one romantic paradigm, one that was forged when you were youngólike 22. Immature times for most of us, when where someone has been before us, and who with, holds more weight and mystery. Sounds to me like you're still applying that paradigm to a stage in life where it doesn't really work, hence a hookup with some dude who turns out to be working through some stuff is compelling instead of repelling. Hence there is an enormous amount of attention on sex rather than the full spectrum of what makes for the sort of sustainable connection you're actually craving.

    Struggling with a job? That makes you vulnerable. It's like a physical injury: you're not quite yourself, and looking for things to ease the pain, to bring you further into yourself or to dodge some part of yourself you're not super into looking at. Romance won't fix a job, but if we're unhappy professionally we may look for romance to do just that, and end up looking in the darker alleys. My most f'ed up relationship dovetails with my most f'ed up time professionally. That is not an accident, I don't think.

    He caught you at a vulnerable time: uncertainty at work, still shaking off some dregs of romances past. You caught him at a vulnerable time, heavily documented. Vulnerability if of course the thing we're all cravingóbeing vulnerable with someoneóbut that opening, and exhaling, should come from a place of strength, not weakness.

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  6. #195
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Don't use him as the benchmark for this.
    Originally Posted by Reyhoney
    learn about how men act like.

  7. #196
    Not sure how many men have offered advice. Iím having a hell of a time falling asleep so Iíve read through this entire post. It was entertaining but the fact that itís someoneís reality is sad. So here goes.

    Heís not into you. Heís probably not that into his ex either. If heís that much of a sex fiend, Iíd find it hard to believe he hasnít already cheated on you either with his ex or with someone else.

    Youíre a constant. Youíre there when he needs you. He doesnít have to go home to an empty house. Doesnít have to find someone to go on trips with him. Doesnít have to spend the holidays alone. All the while he can satisfy his urges on the side. No matter what, youíre there.

    Iíve done the same thing. When I was younger. For me, I had fallen in love with a woman who ended up being married. In the end she stayed with her husband. I was devastated. I went back to my long term on again off again girlfriend. Picked up right where we left off. Went on trips. Had a good life on the outside. On the inside, I resented her and missed the other woman. And as far as I know, my ex never knew about the other woman.

    You know whatís going on. Now he knows that you know whatís going on. And youíre still, 9 months later, still trying to find a reason to stay. And I guarantee he thinks he can do whatever he wants now bc he got caught and youíre still there, waiting to hear any excuse that sounds like heís put her behind and youíre his future.

    Youíre 32. You still have time to get past this and move on to someone who deserves what you have to offer. He also needs to move on and come to terms with his demons. Heíll never be ok with the next woman until he gets his ex out of his system.

    I wasted 2 and half years trying to work things out with my ex wife who I divorced in 2017. 2.5 years of promises that sheíll change and all I have to show for it is lost time.

    Life isnít as long as we think. Donít spend it on someone who isnít with you all the way. And I mean 100%, they can run into an ex and not even think about rekindling.

    It sounds like you have some insecurities as well. As cheesy as it sounds, you really need to be alone for a bit, find value for yourself. Once you do, you wonít ever have to bring a question like this up to a group of strangers yourself.

    Good luck to you. You deserve more. You really do. And ironically so does he. And the longer you stay together, the longer itís going to take for you both to find that happiness.

  8. #197
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    Do you guys think if she tried to get him back, heíd leave me? Go back to her!?

  9. #198
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    Originally Posted by Reyhoney
    Do you guys think if she tried to get him back, heíd leave me? Go back to her!?
    I thought you were broken up.

    Please don't say you went back to him again.

  10. #199
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    I thought you were broken up.

    Please don't say you went back to him again.
    No no I mean would he have dumped me for her, had she asked? (Maybe she did, I canít know for sure)

  11. #200
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    Originally Posted by Reyhoney
    No no I mean would he have dumped me for her, had she asked? (Maybe she did, I canít know for sure)
    You know we have no way of knowing that.

    You know him in real life and don't know the answer, so no way could we know.

    All I can tell you is, this is not the right guy for you.

    Can you try to focus on something else? Instead of him and her? How about seeing friends? Going for a run or to the gym? See your family?


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