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Thread: BF obsessed with ex.

  1. #181
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    Regardless of why, he's clearly hung up on her. The fact you're still hanging on 9 months after the first time you saw the texts makes me very sad for you. How can you look him in the eye and be physical with him, knowing he wants her not you?

    If it were me, it'd break my heart and I wouldn't put myself in that position to be hurt again. And yet you do.

    Why? He clearly has lots of unresolved feelings for her. Stop holding on. You must have some sense of wanting to retain abit of your leftover dignity don't you?

    I feel very sad for you. Please leave this guy. For good this time.

  2. #182
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    Originally Posted by Reyhoney
    I know, and believe me I do blame myself. Iíve no excuses so I canít play the victim. I knew about what he was going through when we met.. but he said that he was clearly over her and their relationship last 8-9 months so I thought like so many guys Iíve known before, that he would be over it fast. Even when I saw his texts the first time, I said itís just stupid horny boy talk.
    If someone was crying over their ex days before, they are NOT over their ex. 6 weeks is not enough time and maybe she just struck a cord. Either way stop wondering, it really doesn't change a thing.

    You deserve much more than just being a distraction. :I

  3. #183
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    But, see, I am not asking you to blame yourself. That is easy. I'm asking you to examine yourself, to try to figure out why this was appealing.

    Let me give an example. I got involved with someone once who, on week one, after a few very hot days, said to me that she knew what would be our undoing. I asked her what. "My need," she said, "for attention from men." Now, if that doesn't scream "run!" I don't know what does.

    But did I run? No. Why not? Well, she was cool and hot and the sex was fun, for starters. But let's get deeper. I'm a genuinely confident dudeóbut that confidence can verge on cockiness. Cockiness is the peacock feathers (one version) of human insecurity. So probably a little part of me was thinking, "Yeah, we'll see about that."

    Deeper still? I have been a dude who likes attention from women, so I could "sympathize," even though I hadn't been that dude, in any corrosive way, for a long time and was really only that dude for a short time in my life. But that short time? It was a formative time, a time I kind of hated myself for for a long time.

    Soóboomóin that one moment ("My need for attention from men") some dark magic got stirred in me: insecurity and dormant demons and false sins to atone for, along with hope and hormones. And I stepped forward where I should have stepped back.

    That said, see how I'm pretty aware of all that? That's examination, not blame. That's why the moment I'm describing lasted just another weekóI saw her once moreónot a year. I was a step ahead of her, and in touch with my own instincts, and so I didn't get stepped on.

  4. #184
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    Ok I get it.. and I think I need sometime to really dig down inside me to figure it out... I donít think itís going to be a simple clear answer to me, yet.

    I know he has his demons obviously, but do you think what he (lacked) with me was sexual satisfaction or is it deeper than this? Again I donít want to compare myself with anyone (especially the ex) but I also want to self reflect and in addition learn about how men act like.

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  6. #185
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I really can't answer that.

    See, I don't know so much. I don't know, for instance, if he was mentioning his sex life with her out of nowhere or if you were asking him lots of questions about their sex life. There is a difference, just like I don't know how you've read all these texts. Did he show you, or did you routinely search through his phone? There is a difference.

    At the end of the day, what he "lacked" was emotional availability. He wore that on his sleeve. That you found that appealing says something about your own emotions, what you are wearing on your sleeve. Figure that out, so you can wear a different outfit when you're ready to date. A different outfit will attract a different sort of manóthe type you wanted him to be, in ways.

    Everyone has demons. All in all, we kind of all have the same ones. They're not that special or mysterious. What makes people special is how they deal with them.

  7. #186
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    The first time was pure accident, I was holding his phone and he received a text and I saw the notification then scrolled to the conversation. He didnít tell me much about their sex life, so I mainly knew from their texts as he was recalling every single detail about what they did.

    Second time, I probed... I wasnít expecting to see anything as we had just returned from vacation... he took like maybe a month break from texting her and then sent her again complimenting her newest picture on Instagram then again... recalling very explicit details.

    He has told me about his fetishes (is that what we call it, or fantasies) and itís not something Iím that into...

  8. #187
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Reyhoney
    Ok I get it.. and I think I need sometime to really dig down inside me to figure it out... I donít think itís going to be a simple clear answer to me, yet.

    I know he has his demons obviously, but do you think what he (lacked) with me was sexual satisfaction or is it deeper than this? Again I donít want to compare myself with anyone (especially the ex) but I also want to self reflect and in addition learn about how men act like.
    That's not "self reflection". That is a way to try to justify to yourself why you stayed for so long. And, yes, you are comparing yourself to her and for some reason you think you're lacking in some way and THAT is why he "chose" her instead of you.

    But that's not a true story you're telling yourself. Your mental gymnastics read as exhausting...I can't imagine what it's like for you.

    Look, you chose the wrong man. He's wrong for you. Instead of walking away you chose to stay. But it's over now. You don't have to choose to stay anymore.

    Give yourself permission to leave this relationship, then forgive him and yourself for any perceived wrongs.

  9. #188
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Good stuff from bolt, the last sentence especially. Pure gold, right there.

    You have a pretty deep-seeded urge to compare yourself to others, or at least her. In the age of Instagram, that very human urge, more dominant in some than others, can be set on fire.

    Honestly, I can't imagine scrolling through someone's phone if I saw a tawdry text message. And, yes, I've been in those shoes. Were I to read through a nostalgic run-down of sexual exploits I would lose all interest on the spot, no different than I tend to lose interest in people who talk to me in detail about their sex lives before me. These are things I just know about myself, partly from experience and reflection.

    So, for instance, in your shoes I would "reflect" on that impulseóboth the impulse to scroll through a conversation and remaining attracted to someone after seeing what you saw. I'm not judging you, or shaming you. It's okay! You don't need to whip yourself and hate yourself, or even hate him.

    But you do need to see it, so you can override it, even purge it, now that you know it's not so healthy. When we find ourselves obsessed with the mystery of another person it's generally because of something in ourselves that is mysterious to ourselvesósomething we're a little scared to look at directly.

    So, yeah: wrong dude for you. That's the easy part. Cut dude out: not the easiest, but not rocket science. Then some self-surgery: never easy, never ends, but always satisfying.

  10. #189
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    Bolt and blue, you both made really good points... I really appreciate it. Iím not sure how old you are, Iím 32 but not as near as wise. I always mean well but... I always do so poorly.

    Can I ask you one last thing? We obviously broke up before, and heís obviously still into her (at least sexually). Then what could be his reasoning to still be with me? And telling me he hopefully thinks Iím the one for him? That he could see us getting married?

    Is he just lying? To me? To himself?

  11. #190
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I am presently inhaling the last gasps of age 39, so take that for what it is.

    Look, in me you have someone who will go down these wormholes of other-analysis, so I'll humor you. I will also preface it by saying, again, that if you could shine a beam on yourself with 30 percent of the voltage you're using on him you will find yourself inhabiting your skin in a much different way. Instead of feeling like an itchy old sweater, it'll feel more like cashmere. Imagine that. Cashmere is so, so soft. You don't even need to be held by another human when you're shrouded in cashmere, so you are very discerning about the humans you get close to.

    Anyway, he probably means what he says, which makes it all the more dangerous. See, before he met you I bet he had an idea of a man he'd like to be, just like we all, all the time, have ideas of who we want to be. I want to be someone who owns a house with a pool, for instance. I mean that. But it's not who I am right now, and the fact that I rented a house with a pool for a few days to celebrate turning 40 doesn't mean I'm any closer. I am, realistically speaking, 2-5 years away from becoming a man with a pool, just like he is years away from being the man he wants to be.

    That man he wanted to be? He wanted to be someone over his ex, happy with someone else, bound for the big rainbows. He really wanted that because, you know, everyone wants that, just like no one want to be sprung on some bs from our past. Just like I wanted a pool before I knew my girlfriend, he wanted to be that man before meeting you.

    You come along, you're cool, you guys have a vibe. He digs all that. He sees a portal to become that man he wants to be. Unfortunately, his emotional arteries are all sorts of clogged. More clogged, really, than he knew. Ugh. So some part of him thinksówithout quite thinking itóthat maybe they'll magically "unclog" with time. Some part of him thinks you can unclog them.

    Other unfortunate part of all that? In you he had someone who is into holding a man's hand while he unclogs, a trait of yours that predated him. Problem there? You end up validating the clog. Instead of getting smaller, it gets bigger, like trying to flush a hairball out of a sink with a hairball. So, sure, he means those things but they are just becoming more abstract with time, not less. More like lies instead of truths he aspires to inhabit.

    So is he lying? Yeah. Same way you're lying, really. To himself, with you taking the shrapnel of it, along with the shrapnel of your self-deception.

    Now, that's all a very generous analysis. What it leaves out? The shady, spineless mf can't keep it in his pants, digitally. And that there is just nasty character. Just like serial killers are very interesting to analyze, but best avoided out in the wilds of IRL, human beings with nasty character are kind of interesting to analyze (as I just did) but best avoided.

    And, bringing things full circle, that is why this is a golden moment to examine your character, not his. You're a cool woman at a prime moment in life. The world is your oyster. Why not go for the pearls instead of some mangled rock like this?

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