Need An Outside Perspective

TLDR: my partner has made me feel rejected (saying my kisses are too wet, not trying to kiss me unless we’re having sex, not responding to my touch or attempts to initiate sex) and has poorly interpreted things I’ve said (I told him I wanted to be heard instead of being given advice all the time and he’s taken that as I always want him to agree with me).

How do I approach another conversation with him and avoid making it feel like I’m putting all the blame on him? How can we resolve our problems? Any thoughts on the situation would be helpful

Longer post:

Hi,

I’ve been dating someone for the past four months and am unsure whether I should bring my frustrations up with him again over parts of our relationship.

A lot of my issues are physical. He acts differently than other guys I’ve been with, like when I try to initiate sex he doesn’t respond to me touching him by touching me back. And I’m nervous kissing him because he’s told me before that my kisses are too wet and I’m worried about being rejected by him. He is really particular about when he’s okay with kissing (not after we’ve eaten and not when we wake up) and he doesn’t really try to kiss me unless we’re about to have sex.

I’ve tried to fix my wet kissing issue (which I can understand why he’s not into it), but he says I still do it and I’m still nervous about being rejected by him so I don’t try to kiss him often.

I’ve asked him how I should initiate sex with him and he’s said that I need to watch more porn to get more comfortable with sex in general and that I’ll know how to intiate then. I had always been with partners who told me what they liked before, but my current partner says he doesn’t want to feel like he’s teaching me how to have sex. He says I need to feel more comfortable with sex in general before we talk about what he likes.

He also tries to give me advice too often and it comes across like he thinks he knows how to solve all the things I find frustrating and has an answer for everything. I’ve told him that sometimes I just want to be heard but he interpreted that as me saying that sometimes I just need him to agree with whatever I say instead of giving his opinion. What I actually want is for him to ask questions about what I’m feeling and confirm that my feelings are valid instead of trying to offer solutions to things he may not be knowledgeable about.

Looking for thoughts on the situation, how I can resolve our problems, and how I should approach talking about this with him again.

I feel like things are unresolved and I feel rejected, unworthy, and unhappy with these parts of the relationship.

Since it’s only been four months, I would seriously just walk away.

This can’t be said enough but these early stages (first six months) are for observing a man to determine if he (or a woman if roles are reversed) is a good fit long term.

Clearly, CLEARLY, this man is not for all the reasons stated in your post, especially how all this is making you feel (rejected, unworthy, unhappy).

I see nothing positive about continuing forward with him, and wondering why you do, why you choose this for yourself.

Do you not think there are better men out there – better for you, a better fit? And for him too, since he finds so many things "wrong" with you?

This is not how good relationships work, especially after only four months.

No there is no "talking" to him at this early stage, no negotiating, no trying to turn him into the man you need him to be.

Just walk.

 

I’m still nervous about being rejected by him so I don’t try to kiss him often.

 

A man can sense when a woman is fearful of losing him, and trust me it's the kiss of death!

Don't ever allow a man to think you're afraid of losing him or being rejected by him, in fact more importantly you should never feel that way in the first place.

It sounds like you have very low self-esteem since you feel this way. As such, I would suggest taking steps to build your self-esteem up so you never allow a man to emotionally control you the way you are currently doing, it's NOT healthy, not to mention he will lose respect for you, if he hasn't already.

Everything Katrina said.

Sounds to me like all you're getting out of this is a man who makes you question yourself in ways that suck. You're trying to fix how you kiss, how you have sex—things you've done with other men who liked the way you did these things? And you're doing this for someone who offers prescriptions when all you want is to be heard, listened to?

Um, why?

That's sort of the question I'd be asking right now.

Some people (most people) just aren't compatible—physically, emotionally, intellectually, whatever. We date to test that compatibility out, not to feel rejected and broken and like a terrible lover.

I have told him things that have upset me before though and he’s understood and changed the way he acts to be more considerate of that. Isn’t making an effort to change the way I kiss or learn something more about sex a similar scenario? I’ve always thought it was a good thing for a partner to be willing to work on things about themselves for the other person in the relationship

I have told him things that have upset me before though and he’s understood and changed the way he acts to be more considerate of that. Isn’t making an effort to change the way I kiss or learn something more about sex a similar scenario? I’ve always thought it was a good thing for a partner to be willing to work on things about themselves for the other person in the relationship

Not after only four months Gabba. As I said, this is the observation stage, to determine if a man is right for you long term.

This is also the "honeymoon stage," where we tend to see each other in a positive light. Is he doing that, seeing you in a positive light?

No, he's extremely critical of you which is causing you to doubt yourself and walk on eggshells.

Again, this is not how it's supposed to be after only four months.

Talking, negotiating, working on issues in an attempt to be a better partner comes AFTER you determine that a man is right for you, a good fit, and that takes time, certainly not after only four months.

What kind of things are you griping about to him?

I have told him things that have upset me before though and he’s understood and changed the way he acts to be more considerate of that. Isn’t making an effort to change the way I kiss or learn something more about sex a similar scenario? I’ve always thought it was a good thing for a partner to be willing to work on things about themselves for the other person in the relationship

Learning something more about sex? Sure if it’s something you are doing together.... but it sounds like he is expecting you to behave like porn star which is not who you are.

What kind of things are you griping about to him?

Agree with j.man, it doesn't sound like you see him in a positive light either!

Again, it's just too soon for all this drama!

All this after only 4 months? Yikes. I would cut my losses and head for the hills. You two sound incompatible. I wouldn't waste anymore time with this one. You can do a lot better. Move on.

I feel like I do see him in a positive light though... these are just the things that have made me unhappy. I can see what you are all saying though and if I’m totally honest with myself, I know it’s not a good fit. I have trouble determining in relationships if it’s something that we can figure out along the way though. Like I feel like talking to him about wanting to be listened rather than be given advice sometimes would clear that misunderstanding up for him (how he thinks I just want him to agree with me).

I know four months seems like a short amount of time, but I see him a lot and feel like I know him...it doesn’t feel like it’s been a short amount of time

And the thing that I have brought up before and that he’s worked on was that I told him it bothered me that when we went on photography trips together, I felt like we would go together but then just be focused on ourselves and not actually be together. And I felt like he was on his phone a lot and it bothered me

You are with this guy why? At four months in, this is already doomed. He has no respect for you, he's got you afraid to say and do things that are normal. Ditch his sorry a$$ now not later. Learn how to stand up for yourself and have some self respect. This is not going to work.

Why are you with this guy? It has only been four months, you should have walked as soon as this started happening.

All this after only 4 months? Yikes. I would cut my losses and head for the hills. You two sound incompatible. I wouldn't waste anymore time with this one. You can do a lot better. Move on.

I agree! I would change my number and run as fast and as far away as I can. If you are dealing with this, imagine a marriage! Love this young is supposed to be peaceful and the honey moon stage. Sounds like he's hiding something. He sounds very feminine to me. No offense to my feminine boys but my gut tells me he's hiding a few "secrets" and is making you feel less than because he isn't comfortable with himself. Either that or he's abusive. Neither is marriage material!

It seems like he's checking out. So soon and when it should be the honeymoon stage it's probably better leaving while the emotional investment is not much yet.

Why is he constantly putting you down? He is critical and condescending. All the talking and explaining to him is pointless. Unless this is some sort of BDSM thing? That you enjoy being beaten down and disrespected?

Why don't you read up on red flags in dating/relationships. He's a jerk, at best. Stop acting so subservient and jumping through this idiot's hoops. the sooner you get rid of him, the sooner you can start meeting decent guys without a laundry list of complaints about you rigid criteria on how you "should" please him sexually. He treats you like an escort service where he tells you what to do for him and of course completely rejects you as a person/woman.

He basically is going way beyond mansplaining and just getting off on talking at you as if you're a moron.

my kisses are too wet, not trying to kiss me unless we’re having sex, not responding to my touch or attempts to initiate sex. he’s said that I need to watch more porn to get more comfortable with sex in general and that I’ll know how to intiate then.

I want to add that despite him being jerk, with should be enough to get out now, it's also a possible red flag for emotional abuse.

I had an abusive ex many years ago. After the initial love bombing the criticising everything I did began little by little to see how far he could go. He'd complain non constructively about everything I did from sex, to house keeping (we didn't live together but he'd still pick on me for ridiculous stuff), to my tastes, my knowledge about stuff, how I dressed, how I talked and he'd constantly compare me to my girlfriends which in his perspective were much better and successful than me on every way. But if I'd try talking to him about something I thought he could improve like the way he'd treat me, all hell would break loose lol

As you can imagine I stayed with him long enough for the abuse to grow and grow to the point of beginning to be physical and degrading to me.

You need to value yourself enough to understand that this is not acceptable at all and you shouldn't be walking on eggshells for no one. The right person for you likes the way you kiss and have sex and if there's something they want you to "improve" they'll tell you in a caring and constructive manner. And at 4 months dating he has no business telling you how you should kiss or have sex or whatever.

I feel like I do see him in a positive light though... these are just the things that have made me unhappy. I can see what you are all saying though and if I’m totally honest with myself, I know it’s not a good fit. I have trouble determining in relationships if it’s something that we can figure out along the way though. Like I feel like talking to him about wanting to be listened rather than be given advice sometimes would clear that misunderstanding up for him (how he thinks I just want him to agree with me).

 

I know four months seems like a short amount of time, but I see him a lot and feel like I know him...it doesn’t feel like it’s been a short amount of time

 

And the thing that I have brought up before and that he’s worked on was that I told him it bothered me that when we went on photography trips together, I felt like we would go together but then just be focused on ourselves and not actually be together. And I felt like he was on his phone a lot and it bothered me

You need to wake up. The guy is down right abusive. Why would you see any of this in a "positive light?" Was your father also like this?

You cannot figure anything out. he treats you like garbage, and he enjoys it. He is not an idiot. How many times are you going to have to tell him to behave like a respectful human being. C'mon. He knows exactly what he is doing.

You can continue to excuse away all of this, but it will only get worse. Why is this acceptable for you? Four months is a short amount of time for all of this. I do not care how much time you spend together.

The bottom line is, that he does not care about or respect you.

Wait what? He told you to watch porn to learn how to initiate sex? Does he mean be the sexy pizza delivery girl that doesn't have change so she does the guy instead? He is a controlling idiot.

I can't stress this enough. Four months in he is just showing you the tip of the iceberg on his controlling and manipulative behavior.

Has anyone complained before about your kissing? Who wants a dry kiss anyways?

Have other guys liked your touch and responded positively?

This guy has issues and you need to exit this thing right away, there is no fixing this.

Being alone would be better than this

Lost

If someone behaved this way toward me after only 4 months, I'd tell him that I sense he's just not that into me, and this isn't working for me. I'd move on to find someone who views me through the right lens and enjoys true simpatico with me. Don't you deserve to find that with the right match?

Can someone give an example of what a good relationship is like? I haven’t been in one I actually felt totally good about, there’s always something about the person that I find I don’t like. Mainly I have found that past partners don’t seem interested in what I have to say and don’t listen well. I’ve always thought this was something I could change though

Is it wrong to assume that a partner can change? Or is it only wrong if the thing you want them to change is a major thing, like not listening?

Also want to say thanks for the responses, I do realize that this isn’t a healthy relationship. I just don’t know if I’m in the wrong for telling him how to listen to me or that I don’t like him doing certain things...shouldn’t you be able to tell your partner things that frustrate you?

People only "change" if they decide they want to. Not because someone else wants them to.

And there has to be motivation for change, and oftentimes there must be a reward.

You can tell him what bothers you, but only HE can decide if it matters enough for him to change. If you talk to him and he continues, you would conclude that what bothers you is irrelevant to him. And if he doesn't care enough about your feelings to try to be considerate of them, you know you don't matter as much to him as he does to you.

Four months in? Not sure it's even worth it, but if you want to try go ahead and see what he says.

What you see is what you get. People do not want to be changed or twisted into what you want. Too much talking is a problem.. After 20 min stop talking. Do not use talking as complaining sessions. If that's the case talk to a therapist who can help you with whatever those complains are. Do not emotion dump or unload on people. Make sure you are a good listener as well. Talk about relevant things and do not talk incessantly.

Make sure you have friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, etc in your life to round things out and have a diverse circle of people to chitchat with. Yes you're wrong for "telling someone how to listen to you". It's controlling and whiny.

No one wants to be talked at all the time. You need some hobbies, interests and other outlets. You are the common denominator of trying to force people to listen to you. People listen when you have something interesting and relevant to say. That's human nature. Learn to be eloquent and succinct. Don't meander, repeat yourself, go in circles, keep rephrasing, use excessive detail, etc. Less is more. Be interesting. Have a point and lead to it in a cohesive manner.

I have found that past partners don’t seem interested in what I have to say and don’t listen well.

 

Is it wrong to assume that a partner can change? Or is it only wrong if the thing you want them to change is a major thing, like not listening?

Guys tend to be bad listeners. The woman complains and we immediately want to fix it either by doing some sort of physical act or giving advice. I doubt he'll ever change in that regard. In terms of the intimacy issues, again lots of guys including myself aren't all that into kissing unless its a prelude to sex. Some of the things you aren't happy with tend to be gender specific but of course there are exceptions, not all guys are like this. So you gotta accept that he's never going to change, and can you live with it? If not get back out there and take your chances finding a guy that acts well, different from lots of guys.

What ages are you two?

Yes people can change and they often do but it is usually when they are doing something they didn't realize was hurting the other person and they care for them so much they WANT to change.

What you described with your bf is that he is making you feel bad about yourself, putting you down and wanting things his way or not at all. It isn't your job to teach him how to treat someone he supposedly cares about.

So these other relationships: How many have you been in? How soon do you become intimate with these men? Have you learned something about yourself and relationships from each one?

A healthy relationship is one where you feel free to share your feelings (not nagging) without worrying about the consequences. Relationships are built by both people, not dictated by one or the other.

Lost