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Thread: Need An Outside Perspective

  1. #21
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    Can someone give an example of what a good relationship is like? I havenít been in one I actually felt totally good about, thereís always something about the person that I find I donít like. Mainly I have found that past partners donít seem interested in what I have to say and donít listen well. Iíve always thought this was something I could change though

    Is it wrong to assume that a partner can change? Or is it only wrong if the thing you want them to change is a major thing, like not listening?

    Also want to say thanks for the responses, I do realize that this isnít a healthy relationship. I just donít know if Iím in the wrong for telling him how to listen to me or that I donít like him doing certain things...shouldnít you be able to tell your partner things that frustrate you?

  2. #22
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    People only "change" if they decide they want to. Not because someone else wants them to.

    And there has to be motivation for change, and oftentimes there must be a reward.

    You can tell him what bothers you, but only HE can decide if it matters enough for him to change. If you talk to him and he continues, you would conclude that what bothers you is irrelevant to him. And if he doesn't care enough about your feelings to try to be considerate of them, you know you don't matter as much to him as he does to you.

    Four months in? Not sure it's even worth it, but if you want to try go ahead and see what he says.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What you see is what you get. People do not want to be changed or twisted into what you want. Too much talking is a problem.. After 20 min stop talking. Do not use talking as complaining sessions. If that's the case talk to a therapist who can help you with whatever those complains are. Do not emotion dump or unload on people. Make sure you are a good listener as well. Talk about relevant things and do not talk incessantly.

    Make sure you have friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, etc in your life to round things out and have a diverse circle of people to chitchat with. Yes you're wrong for "telling someone how to listen to you". It's controlling and whiny.

    No one wants to be talked at all the time. You need some hobbies, interests and other outlets. You are the common denominator of trying to force people to listen to you. People listen when you have something interesting and relevant to say. That's human nature. Learn to be eloquent and succinct. Don't meander, repeat yourself, go in circles, keep rephrasing, use excessive detail, etc. Less is more. Be interesting. Have a point and lead to it in a cohesive manner.
    Originally Posted by Gabbalabba
    I have found that past partners donít seem interested in what I have to say and donít listen well.

    Is it wrong to assume that a partner can change? Or is it only wrong if the thing you want them to change is a major thing, like not listening?

  4. #24
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    Guys tend to be bad listeners. The woman complains and we immediately want to fix it either by doing some sort of physical act or giving advice. I doubt he'll ever change in that regard. In terms of the intimacy issues, again lots of guys including myself aren't all that into kissing unless its a prelude to sex. Some of the things you aren't happy with tend to be gender specific but of course there are exceptions, not all guys are like this. So you gotta accept that he's never going to change, and can you live with it? If not get back out there and take your chances finding a guy that acts well, different from lots of guys.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    What ages are you two?

    Yes people can change and they often do but it is usually when they are doing something they didn't realize was hurting the other person and they care for them so much they WANT to change.

    What you described with your bf is that he is making you feel bad about yourself, putting you down and wanting things his way or not at all. It isn't your job to teach him how to treat someone he supposedly cares about.

    So these other relationships: How many have you been in? How soon do you become intimate with these men? Have you learned something about yourself and relationships from each one?

    A healthy relationship is one where you feel free to share your feelings (not nagging) without worrying about the consequences. Relationships are built by both people, not dictated by one or the other.

    Lost

  7. #26
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    Iím 24 and heís 25.

    Yes that is true, I didnít realize that before. I would hope my partner would want to change if they knew they were acting in a way that was hurting me.

    Iíve had five relationships that were meaningful (one that was around a year and the rest under 4 months) and many dates/short romances.
    I become intimate pretty quick, within the first few dates if I like the person initially. Sometimes I am uncertain whether I want to move that quick but decide to anyway. I have felt pressured before to move fast but sometimes just want to move that fast because I want to.
    From most relationships Iíve learned more about the kind of person Iím looking for (someone who is in a creative field, who appreciates the outdoors, is outgoing etc) because Iíve been with people who lacked those things. I often have doubts in relationships about whether I would actually need a partner to be all the things I think I want...that maybe if I just accepted some things I didnít like, then weíd be great. I had always thought that relationships were about accepting who the other person is so thatís what I tried to do. I think a lot of my relationships have been the wrong fit between two great people, we just werenít great together

    That is very true, thank you. That is really helpful.

    Every time he does something that I think is great though, I feel myself doubt my thinking...maybe I could be wrong. 90% of the evidence is that this isnít a good match...why do I keep trusting my doubt more than reality

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    He is abusive and no it's a cycle not a constant so doubt and being thrown off are the only constants. These are ridiculous criteria for a relationship when you are blind to abuse and sadistic personalities. You need to look for better qualities such as integrity and kindness, not how arty-farty or outgoing they are so you continue to end up being treated like crap.. Some therapy would help you understand what abuse is what it looks like and why you are drawn to this. You could also research it extensively online to at least start educating yourself.
    Originally Posted by Gabbalabba
    the kind of person Iím looking for someone who is in a creative field, who appreciates the outdoors, is outgoing etc
    Every time he does something that I think is great though, I feel myself doubt my thinking...maybe I could be wrong.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    What you are looking for in a man is not unrealistic. Will you meet a guy that has all the qualities you want? Probably not but if you meet a guy you are attracted to, is honest, not controlling, respects you and others, has a good character, good life and some similar interests then you will be going in the right direction.

    Relationships are built over time with two people with similar goals and outlook on life working towards those goals together with love and caring.

    You sound like a caring person that has made to many concessions in past relationships so you are all turned around and don't know which way is right for you. Trust your gut. We all can see this guy is a controlling jerk that has seen your weakness and is now exploiting it to mold you into his version of who you should be.

    It is time to end this with him, spend some time being single to figure out who you are, what you want your life to be like and then get started on it by yourself. THEN start dating again with your feel firmly on the ground.

    Perhaps you should hold off on intimacy with anyone new for a bit longer so you can see who he is BEFORE all the sexual stuff clouds both your minds. You shouldn't feel like you have to sleep with any man to keep him interested when you first start dating.

    Do you have anyone in your life that is a role model? Someone a little older you can talk too? Experience bring knowledge so if you know someone that has a successful relationship talk to her. Don't ask some hot mess for advice what ever you do...

    Lost

  10. #29
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    Just wanted to update here that I have ended things. I realized talking on here and hearing from others that we were not a good fit. I donít think itís fair to say he is a bad person for acting the way he does; I know his current and past struggles and what heís grown up with. Itís not easy to change the way you think. I donít believe he was abusive towards me though I can understand how someone would think things were emotionally abusive just reading these posts. I think we are both great people who just arenít a good fit together. Thanks for listening and for letting me share my feelings. Iíve started seeing a therapist to work through my personal struggles and hopefully will be able to trust myself in the future. I knew we werenít right for each other for awhile and yet I stayed where I was. Hoping to learn a bit more and trust myself this year.

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