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Thread: Advice about my Father please

  1. #1
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    Advice about my Father please

    Hello all!

    Ok I will tell you a little background about me first......
    I suffer from depression/anxiety that effects my ability to work at the moment, so Iíve had to move back home to my parents, yes, itís not ideal but Iím very grateful that I have them and how understanding they have been. I love them both very much! So, as you can imagine my confidence has suffered a bit but Iím getting help and hopefully on the ďmendĒ. The worry I have though and has been for a very very long time is with my dad. He is very introverted which is no problem but he seems to get very annoyed when I talk (not just to him), he sits in a different room if Iím in another, he never talks to me ever. I know he get uncomfortable around people and hates ďsmall talkĒ but why canít he feel comfortable with me? Or the rest of the family? We are all lovely but itís like he doesnít want to know me, he talks to my brother and mom ok. Does he have anxiety issues too? Please help!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Have you discussed this with him?

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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    Have you discussed this with him?
    No Iíve not as Iím worried it will make things more awkward. Also, heís not great at talking about feelings or heís not good at talking in general. I would have no idea how to even approach the subject.

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    How long have you been living back home?

    I ask because if it's only been a short while, give him time.

    He's not used to having you there and interacting with you and since he's an introvert, he may need time to adjust to that.

    I would not take it personally at all, just ease into talking to him gradually and respect his need for space and time alone.

    My dad was the exact same way and so is one of my brothers. In fact with my brother, his wife has to actually write him a note and ask him when would be a good time to talk!

    I am not suggesting you do that, although if he continues to shut you out, not a bad idea.

    I understand how awkward it feels, but again just give him time and don't push it.

    Hopefully in time he will become more accustomed to having you there and will feel more comfortable interacting and talking with you.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    How long have you been living back home?

    I ask because if it's only been a short while, give him time.

    He's not used to having you there and interacting with you and since he's an introvert, he may need time to adjust to that.

    I would not take it personally at all, just ease into talking to him gradually and respect his need for space and time alone.

    My dad was the exact same way and so is one of my brothers. In fact with my brother, his wife has to actually write him a note and ask him when would be a good time to talk!

    I am not suggesting you do that, although if he continues to shut you out, not a bad idea.

    I understand how awkward it feels, but again just give him time and don't push it.

    Hopefully in time he will become more accustomed to having you there and will feel more comfortable interacting and talking with you.
    Thanks for the reply and advice. It has been a couple of years Iíve been back. I also donít ask for money, I do my own laundry and help out around the house. As I thought maybe he was thinking Iím being ďlazyĒ and not getting a job.

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    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Are you getting therapy or treatment to your anxiety and depression?

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Stop talking at him this much. He's not there to provide company, alleviate boredom, chitchat, act like a peer or girlfriend or therapist. He may need alone or downtime at home. You moved in to get help and be on the mend, not to change your father into an extrovert or make him listen to you talk.

    Bond by doing stuff. Talking at him more is a really bad idea. Take walks, play golf or whatever together, find something in common...with him. Constant chatter can be annoying.
    Originally Posted by Cinderella000
    He is very introverted which is no problem but he seems to get very annoyed when I talk (not just to him), he sits in a different room if Iím in another, he never talks to me ever.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Cinderella000
    It has been a couple of years Iíve been back. I thought maybe he was thinking Iím being ďlazyĒ and not getting a job.
    This could be why he seems to give you the cold shoulder. Are you getting treatment for your anxiety/depression? How long have you been going for therapy (if you are)? Who's paying for it all?

    What exactly is preventing you from looking for a job and working? Sorry for all the questions - I'm just trying to understand more as I know a lot of people who have anxiety/depression and they all have jobs, so I'm just trying to understand the nature of what exactly it is which prevents you from working for the past few years.

  10. #9
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    You need to leave your dad alone. That's what he wants, respect his wishes. It doesn't appear to be about you.

  11. #10
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    Have you spoken to your brother or mom or other family members about this? Is it something that they notice?

    I mean, is it like this big obvious uncomfortable moment when he will ignore you or get up and walk out of the room when you start talking, causing everyone to look around and notice? Or do you think everyone else is just brushing it off, saying "oh that's just him" and not realizing how much it affects you? Or do you think no one else is even noticing it?

    If it's something that others are noticing and if it's affecting the whole house, causing tension, then it could be something that you could all try to bring to him or handle as a family. It doesn't have to be solely on your shoulders to fix this relationship.

    Other than his silence and distance that seems to single you out, are there other signs that he is unhappy with you?

    This is a stretch and a big assumption on my part but I say it to give you the idea that there could be more going on than you realize, and that you cannot really assume what he is thinking, just based on his actions and your feelings in response. It could be that in his mind, he is delicately avoiding making you more uncomfortable about having to live at home. He may know you're slightly embarrassed about it and so maybe he's trying to give you space, to treat you like an adult roommate, not like his daughter who needs his attention. And if this is his intention then he's failing because he's not making you feel better, but maybe he doesn't know that. Second possibility, not mutually exclusive to anything else, he could be sort of uncomfortable about your anxiety and depression and maybe he just doesn't know how to handle that. Everyone is always just doing their best. I doubt that, after living with you for years and his behavior not changing, that he's doing this to intentionally elicit a reaction from you. If that were the case, I would have expected him to escalate things at some point, or change tactics. Does that make sense? I mean, he's handling you being there in the best way he knows how. Maybe it makes him uncomfortable, maybe he's trying to avoid making you uncomfortable. We can't really know.

    I think it would be helpful if you could talk to your mom about it and see what she thinks is going on, and maybe she can talk to him alone about it.


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