Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 19

Thread: Two years, too long

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    6
    Gender
    Female

    Two years, too long

    Iíve been a long time reader of this site, but decided, after last night, that I needed to post my thoughts. I need to see and read for myself why I let someone into my life and then let them completely ruin me. I became that pathetic, low self worth woman everyone talks about and I am disgusted with myself. I am disgusted that I let him string me along for so long when there were so many warning signs.

    Yesterday I broke up with my live-in boyfriend of almost two years. The relationship started off well- I truly thought he was the one, but then I soon began to see the side of him that he did not show me. He suffers from depression/previous suicide attempts and I soon became the victim of his outbursts. He broke up with me in January of 2018 when we took our first trip together- to the mountains (the was an awful 4 hours car ride home where I begged him to stay, which he did). There were still bumps along the way and then he decided to break up with me on my birthday this coming august for similar reasons regarding is depression. Again we struggled to make things work. I guess in my mind I just kept assuring myself that itís the depression talking. I kept thinking about how amazing he was for the first 6 months of the relationship.

    This christmas day, we got into another argument because his depression made him lash out at his mom, who I was rather fond of. It got to the point where, while he was driving us back home, he pulled into a wal-mart parking lot and threatened to drop me off and leave me there. I was able to convince him otherwise....and so the cycle continued.

    And then came last night...his depression/outbursts reached a whole new level and he took my keys from me, locked himself in the second bedroom at our rented apartment and prevented me from leaving for hours. I wanted to leave- I had my bags packed to stay with my dad. He ignored my cries and pleas to give me my keys....and what he eventually did was throw them off the 4th floor of the condo and I had to go digging through the snow to find them.

    Now I am staying at my dads till he gets his stuff out of the condo. After yesterday I am too scared to go back. I thought I was a strong, independent woman who was financially stable, had a great job, great family, but after reading what I just wrote above over and over again...I am not. I am embarrassed. I do not want to tell my friends or family everything that has happened- they know bits and pieces but not everything. I do not want them to know how foolish I was for so long. So I came here, in hopes someone can lend some kind words.

  2. #2
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    14,483
    Originally Posted by veronicagab
    Yesterday I broke up with my live-in boyfriend of almost two years.
    Kudos to you for seeing the light and breaking up with him!! Instead of beating yourself up, be proud that you found the strength and courage to finally do what's right for you and breaking up with a very toxic individual.

    I know you're hurting, but you did the right thing. Surround yourself with your closest most trustworthy friends, and your family for support. Ask your dad for help if you need to go back to your condo - don't go on your own.

    You did the right thing!

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    NYC
    Age
    43
    Posts
    2,160
    Gender
    Female
    Sounds like he is with you because of your niceness and stability. He is way to volatile for a normal relationship. You basically have to look in the mirror and think of yourself as you are: a successful stable person. The longer you put up with his abuse, the more damage he will do to your confidence.

    Who care about what other people think, just get him out of your life and be safe.

  4. #4
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2017
    Posts
    808
    Gender
    Female
    Thatís great you were able to get out of the relationship and this situation, it sounds like it was rather scary, no one should be locking you in anywhere, how scary. You recognized it was unhealthy and you helped yourself get out. Keep yourself safe at your dads house. If you do have to go back to the condo, bring your dad or someone else with you.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    California
    Age
    55
    Posts
    7,689
    Gender
    Male
    First of all don't beat yourself up for trying to make it work. You were in love and loved this man despite his issues so you hung in there (probably longer than you should have) and tried to make it work. There is nothing to be ashamed about in that.

    His depression is an excuse he is using for horrible behavior. You did not cause any of this and you tried your best so lift your head up and be proud that you took the high road through all this.

    Being in love sometimes allows our hearts to make poor choices but eventually our logical mind wins the battle and we decide to get out. It took a little bit for you to get there but you did the right thing.

    I agree you need to confide in close friends and family so they can rally around you just like you would rally around them. Let them in and you will feel loved and hopeful.

    Lost

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    31,483
    Gender
    Male
    Whose place is it? Get him out asap. Change the locks. Get a restraining order. He is abusive. Delete and block him and all his people.from all messaging and social media. You need to stop protecting him that the sham that this abusive relationship is. You need to tell your friends and family. Don't be brainwashed into thinking you should feel shame for his twisted abuse.
    Originally Posted by veronicagab
    Yesterday I broke up with my live-in boyfriend of almost two years. I am staying at my dads till he gets his stuff out of the condo. I do not want to tell my friends or family everything that has happened.

  8. #7
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    6
    Gender
    Female
    Thank you for all who have responded. I do appreciate it. Its day 2? And its s struggle. I feel empty and lost. I hate when my mind wanders to him. I wish everything wouldve been different. I'm 27, nearing 28 and I see all around me my friends getting engaged or married and now I'm back to square one. It just feels like I wont find anyone.

    To answer some questions from above; the condo is rented but is under both of our names. The lease isn't up until March but I have somewhere else to stay till then if he wont leave earlier (since technically he can legally stay there till march). I have blocked him on all phone calls/social media etc.

    Another question I have, how do you keep your mind busy? How do you keep it away from him? I work a pretty physically/mentally demanding job as an icu nurse but what about the down times?. How do I keep moving forward when there seems to be so many hurdles? So many things to think about regarding the condo, etc.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    California
    Age
    55
    Posts
    7,689
    Gender
    Male
    You are human and your mind will wonder to thoughts that are not helpful. It happens to all of us.

    Second guessing, the what if's, maybe I was expecting to much? and on and on. Let all that go, you are doing the right thing for you and your life.

    Staying busy is key in times like this. There will always be times when your mind wonders but there is a trick I used that worked pretty well for me. When I found myself thinking about stuff I couldn't change or thoughts that were not helpful I would ask myself "What good is coming from this?" the answer was always nothing so it would help me stop the cycle and move onto other thoughts. To distract myself I would try and remember all the words to some of my old favorite songs and sing it in my head. Silly but it worked.

    Friends and family need to be your support system right now. Don't pester them with constant phone calls every time you feel down but do engage with them. I would bet good money during this relationship you spoke to and saw your friends and family far less than you should have so reverse that situation. I am sure they would love to see or hear from you. Perhaps you could offer to babysit or suggest dinner with a few friends.

    The heart and mind can be stubborn and many times we start thinking our lives will never be good because we haven't found the ONE yet. Make your life great for you, make plans with the people in your life and live that life to show your heart and mind that yes my life is good and getting better each day.

    The unknown is always the thing that haunts us so take charge of as much of your life as possible and many of your doubts will fade. Once you are in a good place in your life love will find you...

    Keep posting

    Lost

  10. #9
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Posts
    91
    Don't expect him to give up easily and go away quietly.

    Expect him to bombard you with flowers, apologies, excuses, and promises never to do it again.

    Stay strong. Past actions speak volumes, words alone say almost nothing. Roses don't make it ok.

  11. #10
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    6
    Gender
    Female
    Thanks again for the replies! It's been a week now. I'm in the phase of being super angry. I've been staying with my dad. Went back to the condo to deliver my notice that I wouldn't be renewing the lease come March. I found out his car was in the parking lot ( when he shouldve been at work). I come to find out he put himself on "medical leave" and he is blaming me for everything, which pisses me off. He says I domt know what he is going through...I am angry. He abused me, he threatened me, he broke me and I'm supposedly to blame.

    He is so blind to see he has issues that ruined the relationship. I am pretty certain he has some sort of personality disorder. He even stated that he stopped taking his depression medications cause he "likes how his mind thinks and doesnt want medications to dampen those thoughts"...

    I'm lucky enough that I have good friends and family that are going to move my stuff out next week. I've told him not to be there. I finally told most of my friends and family what truly happened and what has been happening for the past few months. I felt sad telling them this, admitting how broken I am and how pathetic I was to stay for so long. He is still just trying to ruin my life. I am trying to move forward, making appointments to look into buying my first home but I feel he will just try to hang on. I have blocked him on everything. Sigh...I wish I never met him.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •