Do I have false hope? Or a real chance here?

Im Amy (now 30) and my partner is Adrian (now 26)

We met on Tinder June 2016.

Discovered we were very compatible with our interests and our personalities mirrored each other well.

After talking for a few days we decided to arrange a first date. We were talking all the time by whatsapp, sending pictures and finally talking on the phone.

I should note he is actually Polish, speaks English almost perfectly so that is not an issue.

Our first date was wonderful, we met in Liverpool town where he lived. Started with a coffee at Starbucks talking all the time, smiling and laughing. We then we and sat outside in a park for awhile before going to watch a film. We ended up making out throughout the entire film.

I went home that night knowing I had found something special and he felt the same.

We then hated being apart and he had a holiday planned a week from then and would be away for 3 weeks. We saw each other once more before he left and that was equally wonderful.

His holiday was hard for us as we just wanted to see each other.

He came back and we were inseparable – I would stay with him at his parents and he would stay with me at mine and we would have a few days apart. We fell in love very easily.

I won’t go into minute detail of our relationship but other than to say we love each other deeply, always show a great deal of affection, make each other laugh and smile all the time and we are incredibly compatible in every way. We have lots of funny things we do with each other, we think the same – I will often say things and he will have been thinking exactly the same. Or he will finish my sentances. I love to cook for him, I look after him as much as I can and I just want to make him happy.

My health has never been brilliant since I was a teenager – I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis

Jan 2017 I discovered he had signed up to a swingers site – I confronted him about this and he assured me he didn’t do anything and I agreed to give him a second chance. When I saw his profile on this site it did turn out he hadn’t messaged anyone so I was willing to try and forget it.

That was hard and my trust was damaged, for awhile I was anxious and paranoid and often had to talk to him about it to gain reassurance.

That feeling has long dwindled and doesn’t affect us anymore but I needed to bring this up for my main point of this post.

I want to note now that I came to him with debt from previous years which I did make him aware of at the beginning. I felt great shame because of this debt and I was struggling to confront it or deal with it but he accepted it and we didn’t talk much more about it.

By April 2017 his parents had helped him purchase a house with the intention of me living with him which was what we both wanted as we hated to be separated.

This meant I had to try and sort out my debts but for reasons I cannot explain because there is no excuse I didn’t – I buried my head in the sand. Every time I thought of them I would get panic attacks and shut down – the shameful feeling, feelings of being worthless were overwhelming.

I tried to do it but once again I avoided them.

We get to 2018 and I got very very ill, to the point I was let go from my job and to this day I am on benefits and cannot work though I am improving slowly. He has supported me through all my illness and has been wonderful and because he loves me this is not what our problem is.

Once I went on benefits and stayed home things got a little better with medication at first however I got some nasty side effects that made me worse in many ways very quickly so I had to change meds and basically keep trial and erroring stuff. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia – a crazy mix of problems.

My mental health during the first half of 2018 was bad, I was depressed and anxious all the time and I hated being out of work but I couldn’t push myself. I had to focus on my health for a change.

There came a time around May 2018 I think, Adrian asked me about my debts and I had a bit of a breakdown and admitted they were not sorted and now being on benefits I didn’t know what to do. It did lead to an argument understandably – please don’t think I don’t know I did wrong because I know that well.

We looked into what I could do and I could set up a debt relief order. But first I needed to wait for full approval of my benefits as I was still during the assessment stage.

Once I had that sorted I applied for the debt relief order and waited for the paperwork. It came and I found I had to pay a £90 fee for it – I didn’t have the money at the time and I don’t know why I didn’t say anything to Adrian I just thought I could save for it.

I do want you to bear in mind that I had a memory problem this past year due to my condition too, I would forget things easily and be quite foggy headed. I stopped taking medications partly because they were not helping and making me worse but also because I was getting charges off the NHS for not paying for my meds. I was told with my benefits I was entitled to them free but this turned out not to be the case and when I was being prescribed 4 medications a week that is very costly. The NHS charges have now been included in my DRO.

So I genuinely did forget about it for awhile, we were always so happy that I focused more on him and trying to get better than my debts which was a huge mistake.

Now we come to the later part of 2018, a few months ago it got brought up again as I had actually started setting it up – I had everything in place I was just waiting for the company to send me to form and ID number so I could pay the fee and have the debt relief order in place finally.

However this took a long time to come, the longer it took the longer the whole process was drawn out – a debt relief order means that if my situation doesn’t improve within 12 months my debts would be written off but only once the fee is paid.

I finally got the fee paid and on 12th December 2018 I had my DRO approved.

Just before it was approved and all we did have a conversation, not an argument but he voiced his concerns about how I have gone about this and had I acted on the dro in May then we would be close to having rid of my debts. I knew this but I could see how it was affecting him.

It wasn’t also just the debts, he mentioned how he had given up asking me to go to doctors and sorting medication out because I just didn’t do it – again I have no excuse for this either.

My benefit money would contribute towards our food bill since he took care of everything else but I would have nothing left over, nothing I could save. Looking back I realise now I could have brought the food bill down and save money for us both however I can only change going forward.

Now my current situation is this, we had a lovely Christmas but on 29th Dec he said we needed to talk and bingo – he wanted to break up.

This was a huge shock, in every conversation we have had I have asked if he resented me because of this and he has always assured me that he didn’t. He has no problem me being home unable to work, I know this and he has more than explained this is not the reason.

His reason is he just doesn’t think he can cope anymore with how I have gone about things and I totally understand that. I have ran from my problems and avoided them completely while promising I would deal with them.

He still loves me very much, that hasn’t changed and he feels no hate towards me. He admitted the last couple of months he has begun to resent me for this and doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t believe I can change this and thinks it will happen again.

I did break down as you can imagine, I have had a few serious long term relationships before him and he is the first person I could be myself with and envision a future with – we were planning a baby for 2019 and wanted to get married one day. That was my dream.

I pleaded for a second chance or to maybe take some time apart, he was torn and agreed to let me know in the morning what he decided. He did let me stay that day, and also the night we spent together which in my head I knew in a way could have potentially been a goodbye for us both. It was wonderful in some ways, we were close and both hurting so were there to comfort each other.

The next morning he still wasn’t sure so I suggested we could take it one day at a time which he agreed to do.

We went about trying to make the morning normal though I knew we were both going to need time to get over the experience of this.

Note here that before he told me he wanted to break up, after our last big talk about debts and doctors and the like, I had a lot of things I planned to change but I wasn’t able to do much until Christmas was out of the way due to time and money. I had only told him briefly I wanted to do a lot in the new year but I never laid out my plan and maybe I should have looking back.

After that night together I explained all of the things I wanted to do and how hard I was willing to fight for us, I wanted to change and make sure I didn’t repeat this mistake and learn from it. I explained that I didn’t expect him to believe me and the only way for him to regain that trust in me was for me to prove it with actions. He was still not sure.

I advised him to speak to his mum, my family knew of the breakup conversation the day earlier after it happened and I thought he might feel better if he spoke to his mum too.

So he went over, was there for 3 hours and came back and told me no he couldn’t do it or atleast not right now. I accepted that although I cannot describe the pain through all of this (even now this is almost impossible to type as I feel like I can’t breathe thinking of it but I really need help) so I suggested maybe we take a break – not breakup, not throw it away just yet but take some time apart and he thought this was best.

He said how a massive part of him didn’t want me to go, didn’t want to leave me but at the same time he couldn’t cope with this anymore and I understood that. He said how there was no way he could cut me out of his life and wouldn’t want to. He also said how couples break up and get back together all of the time which I knew but it doesn’t make this any easier.

So we sat and talked about how we would go about this, I said I wouldn’t change my addresses until we met up again in a month and see where we stand, I would leave the majority of my things in the house and move back with my mum so I packed the basics for a few weeks and set them aside.

We also have two cats together which ofcourse have to stay with him, my mum couldn’t pick me up for another 3 hours so I had plenty of time with him and the cats who I loved dearly. Because of my benefits our cats went to PDSA vets – meaning he wouldn’t be able to use them if I wasn’t with him and if anything happens he would need to go to another vet and probably spend a fortune but there was no alternative right now.

I originally said I would give him updates on the things I am doing as while we were apart he had no way of knowing if I would follow through with all I said I would do which he was happy with.

Such as:

1. Register with the doctors around my mums, make an appointment and get some medication to help me and keep regular visits.

2. Speak to someone about my debt relief order and being on benefits if I could still work a part time job and keep my dro in place.

3. Arrange some counselling to help my head space and have someone I can talk these issues through such as my debt avoidance and try to find the source of that behaviour.

4. If we got back together and I moved back in I would want to sit down and discuss that financial side of things, for example if I was allowed to do a part time job whilst my benefits and dro is in place then I could give him a good chunk of money each month, this would lessen the strain on him financially and enable us to do more with the house.

5. I would want to make more of an effort with his friends – it’s hard for me as they are Polish and unlike Adrian they do not have a good grasp of English so I am often sat next to Adrian but unable to join in any conversation the whole night. However I would like to really try make more of an effort, we had a poker night beginning of December and that was a great deal of fun for us all so I would like to arrange things like that or he go see them more alone – however he says he prefers it when I am with him or he misses me.

6. I would want to make it up to his parents; given the help they have given with paying his house deposit we would never have got the house without them. They are so very careful with money that they are incredibly upset with me now he has told them about this and I get that completely. It would take time but I would need to build bridges there. I love his family and he mine, we have both been so accepted so its another blow to us both being apart. I have helped his parents a lot with regards to them having a language barrier I would like to mention which they are always so grateful to me for.

7. If I moved back I would use more time to try make the house perfect everyday, I struggle with a lot of pain most days but as I don’t have much else to do at home I should have been on top of this everyday. Motivation was lacking partially due to my mental health but given my current situation I have the biggest motivator and kick up the bum.

8. Arrange us to go out more, we both like to game and binge was tv shows or films and we do forget to get out of the house even though we both like to go for walks and such. So that would be a great thing for health and bonding.

There’s going to be more but I hope you get the idea. I ended up writing him a long email – I’d write him letters randomly which he loved and before I left to come to my mums I asked if I could send him something.

Unfortunately my emotions got the better of my on New Years Eve and I wrote him this email and explained the things I wanted to work on like above. It wasn’t too bad however I now wish I had never sent it and not contacted him, I did update him of all I had already done though. Because of this I have stopped contact now and will continue to refrain unless he messages me.

Yesterday my mum looked into things and found given my situation health wise and not working I would be possibly entitled to council housing help and if I were to live alone and support myself me and Adrian could choose to date and then by December 2019 by debts would be gone and that time may be enough to prove to him I can change. It’s a brilliant idea and although my mum agreed with me not contacting him she did feel that was something I should let him know as its another option for him to consider while we are apart.

I have not arranged the housing yet as until we know where we stand I can’t apply for a place. If I end up declining somewhere while I am still waiting to see him then I could get put so far down the waiting list it could take up to 18 months before I get accepted somewhere.

So on my mums suggestion I messaged him this:

Hi Adrian. Sorry to bother you. I just wanted to make you aware of another option we have. I am in a position where I can apply for council housing and get extra support due to my benefits. This means I could live on my own, support myself and we could still date and see each other. I cant arrange this yet until we know where we stand as once I apply if I turn down a place while we’re still unsure then it’s 18 months before I can reapply at least – once I apply I might have my own place within a month. My thinking is, we can date without the pressure cooker of my financial position under the same roof. It gives us both space but keeps us both together. It just means we would have to travel a bit to see each other but I get a chance to sort myself out xxx

He replied with “That is always an option Amy. I was thinking you might be eligible for that. X”

This for him is an unusual message, he doesn’t normally call me by name and always gives 3 xxx. I know I am looking into that a little much – given my mental state right now its hard not to.

Before we parted which was incredibly hard for us both he promised there is a chance for us – that he couldn’t promise anything but there is a real chance and that’s why we’re having this break.

I am just so scared that he was just saying that but I’ve always told him to just be honest with me. He is not the kind of guy that would be that cruel to give me false hope and I said as much.

So I have to believe that there is a chance so I am trying to focus on myself which right now is harder than it sounds.

I have been apart from him now for 4 full days and it is killing me. I am experiencing all the normal heartbreak feelings – everything reminds me of him, programmes we watched together (I introduced him to a lot and Friends was the last big thing we binged together so I cant even consider watching it) all of my clothes, music, even being at mums reminds me of him as my parents love him dearly and he them. My mum is incredibly disappointed in me too, she is trying to be supportive but keeps pointing out that what I did was wrong and I know that, she says I put too much on him and that although there is a chance to not put all my hope in it right now.

I feel lost and very lonely, I don’t have anyone I can really talk to whenever I need and right now it’s very hard not to cry all the time. I can contain myself for most of the day but random times I will feel that heart wrenching ache, can’t breathe and I start this keening noise as I cry. It’s so overwhelming I can’t see past this right now. I know I will and I am hoping I feel a little better next week. Since the break up on Saturday, I didn’t eat for the first 3 days and today have only managed a very small bowl of soup, I have been being sick but its just stomach acid mostly and the other end isn’t fairing much better. As soon as I think of him I feel it all too much and I feel sick and like I’m going to poop myself (sorry).

I can tell my mum is getting worried and I have looked online so much to check this is normal and that seems to be the general consensus.

I want to show the things I have already done and things I have put in place:

I went to the Doctors on Monday, the day I sent Adrian the email. Doctor has given me a strong anti-depressant Sertraline (I was supposed to be on antidepressants anyway but the last bunch I’ve tried made me very ill) she is confident this is going to help me a lot but will only give me a weeks’ worth at a time so I have to see her weekly, I am actually happy about this.

My doctor has referred me for counselling as requested, though this could take up to 6 weeks to arrange but it’s in place now and I am looking forward to that as right now I do not have much of a release.

I spoke to my debt people about potentially taking a part time job (it’s a risk as none of us know if I can yet hold down a job due to my health so it’s not a permanent decision) and they have confirmed that providing I am not left with additional funds each month then my dro won’t be affected. This is great because if I took a small job, even 5 hours a week it would go straight to Adrian. My benefits entitle me to work up to 16 hours a week so that should be fine.

I have started to help my mum in the house, although this doesn’t impact Adrian it’s something I can do for myself, for my mum and keeps me busy. It’s a distraction and a way I can show him eventually that I am not just sat about moping – I am moping but I’m busy while I am.

Although I am not living with him right now I am trying to get out of the house, walking my mums dogs. It’s difficult at this time as I am so weak from not eating and being sick however I have to try this one step at a time.

This weekend I am going to London with my mum – it’s a history visit, we both love English history and she arranged this as part of my Christmas present. Admittedly I am no longer excited to go, I hope I will enjoy it and I will try my best but it gets me out of the house and another distraction.

I am trying to act normal, it’s hard. I have been avoiding facebook too. We agreed not to delete each other but I can see when he is online and I hate that but I do not want to delete him unless he tells me it is over. I saw in my feed that he had gone to his friends for new years and posted a picture not of himself but the drinks in front of him, It was already planned him going but my god did it set me back just seeing that. So I have snoozed him for 30 days so he doesn’t appear in my news feed.

My mum says I need to be normal on facebook too, I would normally share the odd funny or cute post, or write a post and put up pictures. So this weekend in London I know I will have loads of pictures and I will post them but I don’t want to upset him either.

I am going to try my utmost to regain myself again, I know this will get easier or atleast I keep getting told that or read it online.

But I cannot see past Adrian, I cannot bear the thought of being with anyone else. We have such a wonderful relationship besides what I have done and are generally happy all the time. I love making him smile and its always been easy for me to do that.

I am so in love with him and will do anything I have to but I know I have to make these changes for myself first. I cant risk this happening again so in the words of my mother I need to grow up.

I fully intend to and intend to change a great deal, it will be hard and it will be slow but I sincerely hope that Adrian wants to give me that chance and see the proof of my changes as they happen.

I have already done what he told me he wanted me to do regarding checking about the potential for a job and to sort my doctor stuff out so I need to keep on top of that.

The whole reason for this post is I need advice and opinions on if anyone thinks I really do have a shot of winning him back.

He feels as strongly as I do and you can tell he loves me dearly when he looks at me, but is this too late now? I hope not.

We both want the same things and had many plans – I truly think what we have is worth fighting for and I am willing to put the work in.

I will never forget this experience, regardless if he takes me back or not this has burned itself into my memory exactly the same way my debt weighs on my mind I know I never want or will take out credit – if I can’t afford something simple, I don’t get it.

I hear of so many success stories and they all say the first step is no contact so I am hoping that the time apart and lack of communication (I last messaged him yesterday about the housing thing and I don’t intend to message him again now) will help him heal some of those negative feelings and miss me but I can’t count on that.

I know this is a long post and ofcourse there is plenty more I could go into detail on but I hope this is enough to give some insight my situation.

I am wholly broken hearted but quietly determined to change – I know I can do this and I have to for my own sake as well as his. We are so well matched and compatible that I really feel like we can overcome this.

Please, any help would be greatly appreciated. Also it would be nice to not feel so alone in this. Is this false hope? Are there any other suggestions?

Many thanks

I wouldn't contact him or try to reconcile with a plan of what you intend to do.

I'd implement the plan, THEN contact him. Otherwise, what would be your motivation to actually follow through?

Also, what is your primary goal with this plan? To improve your life or to win Adrian back?

Right now my primary goal is to change myself and get myself in a better place where I can manage on my own.

I would love to win Adrian back but ultimately if when he contacts me it is to officially end it then I will have to accept that, I have broken up with people in the past (although by then I had no feelings towards them) and if i truly decided to leave nothing would have changed my mind.

Right now my primary goal is to change myself and get myself in a better place where I can manage on my own.

I would love to win Adrian back but ultimately if when he contacts me it is to officially end it then I will have to accept that, I have broken up with people in the past (although by then I had no feelings towards them) and if i truly decided to leave nothing would have changed my mind.

So, you'll be fine.

Your life will improve once you follow through with your plan, you will be in a more secure and positive place in life. And if Adrian reappears wanting to share your improved life, you can decide if you want that too.

I fully intend to and intend to change a great deal, it will be hard and it will be slow but I sincerely hope that Adrian wants to give me that chance and see the proof of my changes as they happen.

I think you need to demonstrate to yourself first and foremost that you are capable of the change you want. Adrian might want to give you a chance if he sees proof of change AFTER they happen, and after you have been able to successfully sustain the change over time.

At the end of the day though, this change needs to happen for you... and it will be up to you to maintain it... so decide for yourself who you want to be and if this is what you really want.

Youve got tunnel vision right now.

First things first, girl, you gotta get your head in the game. No more fairy tales and sunshine and lollypops, as you can see its not sustainable.

I realize you think its romantic but not being able to be apart from one another is something that happens with teenagers because theyre still idealistic, once youre an adult, your relationship should not be your only focus, there are bills to pay, things to be done and life to be lived. You arent Julliet and hes not Romeo, so your thought process has got to change in this respect.

Next recognize your actions, not only did you codependently latch onto him, you made him your caregiver. Now dont get me wrong, I get it youre sick, no one could have planned for that, but look outside of yourself and I mean really look outside of yourself for a moment, he accepted the extra responsibility because he loves you, after only a few months, most wouldnt have even attempted to take on that level of responsibility and what did you do with it? You settled in and let him fully take on the caregiver role, having to stay on you about your debt and your medication, you cant tell me you still felt like you were in a relationship, how could you, your relationship transformed into a parent/child dynamic.

Youve got to take responsibility of yourself and not for him, but for you. Some people simply dont push themselves to be responsible until they have no other choice, maybe this is your wakeup call.

You very much need to demonstrate to yourself that you can function as an independent adult, first and foremost. You need to do this regardless of what happens with your ex, as the way you're living isn't sustainable in the long term and you're not going to be able to get on your feet otherwise.

I think you're in a bit of denial about the true state of your relationship, too. I am sure there were plenty of good times, but it can't have felt great being totally dependent on him. You asked him whether he resented out of fear, I realize, but you had to have known that him asking you about doctors and your debt was his way of signalling that he was in fact growing concerned about your ability to look after yourself and not rely on him to take care of it all.

Also, you glossed over the discovery of him on a swinger site. That, to me, was a very bad sign of his true investment in your relationship. He might not have messaged anyone, but he had no business opening an account to begin with. You are panicking now that he is gone, but I am not convinced this relationship was necessarily one that was going to last; there were signs that things were not so great even before your debt and health situation spiraled out of control.

In short, I would move forward with your plan to apply for council housing anyway. There is no need to reach out and try to bargain with him to keep dating you right now either. It's not the time to try to negotiate this. You need to turn over a new leaf and this is your opportunity. Take it now.