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Introverted girlfriend, doesn’t engage socially with my friends


Kenit2019

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Hope someone here can offer some advice. Been seeing my girlfriend for a while now, 18 months - so it’s pretty serious. I love her company when it’s just the two of us - she’s loving and extremely sweet and kind.

 

The problem is when we go out socially. She doesn’t seem to understand how a conversation is supposed to work. She’s absolutely fine talking about herself, but never really seems to take much interest in other people - doesn’t ask them how they are, nor what they’ve been up to, etc. This creates lots of dead-end conversations.

 

We just spent a week away with a large group of (my) friends over new year (she doesn’t seem to have so many friends of her own). Anytime we were sitting in a group for dinner or around a table chatting over drinks, she barely said a word. I tend to have to carry the conversation for the both of us and it’s quite tiring, not to mention a little awkward for other people as they wonder why she isn’t asking them anything - so puts added pressure on them as well.

 

I try to involve her by getting her to open up about herself, so that all the focus and pressure of talking isn’t entirely on me, but again - that’s not really the same as if she were to show an interest in others. She clearly finds groups quite tiring, and is probably rather an introvert, but I still feel it’s a question of common courtesy to at least attempt to show some interest in other people.

 

Ideally I want a deepening relationship with my friends over the years... couple friendships tend to work differently to single friendships in that many future social invitations will likely be based on our dynamics as a couple. We’re of the age when most of my friends are in couples and several now have children.

 

I love her, but this situation makes me quite sad. Has anyone else had a similar experience?

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I have had a similar experience... with my self. I used to be that girl, super socially awkward, very quiet among groups... my ex was an extrovert and used to shame me for it after we left whatever gathering we were at... basically saying I was some sort of freak of nature.

 

Some people are just not good in groups or at socializing. If it's something she wants to work on, it will still take her time to develop the necessary skills. It took me a very long time and a lot of practice to become better at socializing... which sounds odd to someone it comes naturally to, but that's the reality for many of us introverts.

 

Unfortunately for introverts, the world views people from an extroverted point of view... introverts are often seen as anti-social, or weird, and miss opportunities because they are more quiet and don't speak up as often.

 

This ted talk was one of my all time favorites... does a fantastic job at describing the power of being introverted and how we can start to see introverts in a different way.

 

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This isn't just about her being an introvert. I'm an extroverted introvert, where when I'm in a group of people, or at a party, etc., I engage a lot, but then I recharge via alone time.

 

This is more about her simply not engaging at all. She takes no interest in others, and she relies completely on you for entertainment, social life, and for you to carry the two of you as a couple when with others. The fact that, at 18 months, you feel she has no friends, is very telling.

 

She's making too much of her life revolve around you, and no one can bear that burden for long.

 

No wonder you're getting weary.

 

This is who she is. She came to you 18 months ago with no friends, and only engaging with you, but not others. It's frankly quite selfish to talk only about oneself without stopping to ask the other person anything about themselves.

 

I don't have much advice other than to empathize with you, and let you know that it's ok if you decide that this will not work for you long term. It wouldn't work for me, so I get it.

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Yes, I’ve mentioned it a few times in the past quite subtly, i.e. “my dad would love it if you asked him about X thing, because he loves to talk about that...” - which sort of works, albeit with no follow-up questions.

 

In situations where she’s completely silent all the way through a group social event, I’ve tried telling her it would be nice to have some more support from her, and I think she’d enjoy things more if she asked people about themselves etc, but she just got upset and felt I was trying to change her.

 

It’s been really very hard to broach the subject - the last thing I want is to upset her. Perhaps I’m not very good with choosing the right words.

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I think she’s pretty OK with how she is. She’s happy not to go out much, and tends to avoid socialising really. I’ve suggested it would be nice if she invited her work colleague along to X social event (who she gets along really well with), but she doesn’t seem interested in forging friendships outside of work. She’s left that job now, so I guess they’ll lose touch.

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Yes, I’ve mentioned it a few times in the past quite subtly, i.e. “my dad would love it if you asked him about X thing, because he loves to talk about that...” - which sort of works, albeit with no follow-up questions.

 

In situations where she’s completely silent all the way through a group social event, I’ve tried telling her it would be nice to have some more support from her, and I think she’d enjoy things more if she asked people about themselves etc, but she just got upset and felt I was trying to change her.

 

It’s been really very hard to broach the subject - the last thing I want is to upset her. Perhaps I’m not very good with choosing the right words.

 

You are trying to change her. You aren't comfortable with her behavior and want her to change it to make you and others feel more comfortable. You are a very social person... she is very socially awkward and either doesn't have the skills or isn't interested in socializing with your friends.

 

At the end of the day, given how important socializing is to you, it probably means you likely won't be compatible for a long term relationship.

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I think she’s pretty OK with how she is. She’s happy not to go out much, and tends to avoid socialising really. I’ve suggested it would be nice if she invited her work colleague along to X social event (who she gets along really well with), but she doesn’t seem interested in forging friendships outside of work. She’s left that job now, so I guess they’ll lose touch.

 

You're missing the point.

 

She doesn't want to invite work colleagues, or anyone else.

 

She only wants to be with you. If this isn't something you want, then you'll have a decision to make.

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Sorry to hear this, but she's right.

 

So you’re saying the only two options are 1) Learn to live with it; or 2) Leave her?

 

Seems such as shame, but perhaps you’re right. I love her so I’d be absolutely gutted... but I don’t think I could live with it over the very long term.

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So you’re saying the only two options are 1) Learn to live with it; or 2) Leave her?

 

Seems such as shame, but perhaps you’re right. I love her so I’d be absolutely gutted... but I don’t think I could live with it over the very long term.

 

Yes, these are your only 2 options.

 

You want Option 3: Tell her how she can change to make you happy. Not gonna happen.

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Agree very much with LHgirl. I too am an introvert, but I still know it is polite to ask one about themselves and not ramble on about myself. Perhaps she does feel awkward or insecure, but I know many shy people who will open up over time. I think she is simply not interested in getting to know your friends, and a social life just does not seem to be a priority to her. Nothing wrong with that, you are just different people. You just have to ask yourself: Is this a deal breaker for you?

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Yes, I’ve mentioned it a few times in the past quite subtly, i.e. “my dad would love it if you asked him about X thing, because he loves to talk about that...” - which sort of works, albeit with no follow-up questions.

 

In situations where she’s completely silent all the way through a group social event, I’ve tried telling her it would be nice to have some more support from her, and I think she’d enjoy things more if she asked people about themselves etc, but she just got upset and felt I was trying to change her.

 

It’s been really very hard to broach the subject - the last thing I want is to upset her. Perhaps I’m not very good with choosing the right words.

 

It sounds like you've done your best to get your point across, and encourage her to engage with others. She may just be content with the way things are and doesn't see the need to make the effort.

 

I think it's basic social etiquette to know that, when out in groups of people, you should ask questions and show an interest in other people in hopes of getting to know them better, or at the very least, to be polite.

 

I'm a bit surprised that, based on your original post, she has no issue answering questions from other people about herself, yet somehow doesn't see the need to reciprocate and ask them something about themselves. Again, I think this is basic social etiquette 101.

 

I mean, I consider myself to be an extroverted introvert - maybe a bit of an ambivert. I find I'm more talkative when one-on-one (not so much in group settings), but will always make the effort to get know others in group settings. It's just the polite thing to do.

 

I think you have to decide whether this is a quality of your girlfriend's that you can live with, or if it's a deal-breaker.

 

I couldn't be with someone like this. In social situations, I'd have to be with someone who I know is making an effort (even if it's the last place they'd want to be and the last thing they'd want to do), and there's no doubt I would want to be with someone who would expect the same of me.

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I saw it more as option 3: explain that it places pressure on me to carry the full weight of conversation for the both of us in social situations, and hope that she’d want to support me a bit more, to help out.

 

I mean, would it be acceptable to ask a partner - who never helped with any housework - to help out a little more often?

 

Or perhaps the usual give and take in relationships doesn’t really apply in my situation?

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I saw it more as option 3: explain that it places pressure on me to carry the full weight of conversation for the both of us in social situations, and hope that she’d want to support me a bit more, to help out.

 

I mean, would it be acceptable to ask a partner - who never helped with any housework - to help out a little more often?

 

Or perhaps the usual give and take in relationships doesn’t really apply in my situation?

 

I think open communication is important and that it's best for her to know why you'd like her to step it up because of how it affects you and makes you feel.

 

If she's still unwilling, and wants to leave things as they are, you then have to make a decision as to whether this is something you can accept.

 

If this is important to you, I'd hope that it was important to her as well.

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Some introverts do not really want to have friends and are not relying on their extroverted significant other for a social life. They feel obligated to go to social events. It is not that they are being rude or do not like people. Introverts can be wired to avoid social contacts and actually are anxious during events such as New Year's parties.

 

They do better one on one or in very small groups.

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I saw it more as option 3: explain that it places pressure on me to carry the full weight of conversation for the both of us in social situations, and hope that she’d want to support me a bit more, to help out.

 

I mean, would it be acceptable to ask a partner - who never helped with any housework - to help out a little more often?

 

Or perhaps the usual give and take in relationships doesn’t really apply in my situation?

 

Yes, not only acceptable to ask a partner to chip in with housework, but completely understandable.

 

This isn't about washing dishes. This is Who. She. Is.

 

Not sure what you're not getting here, but frankly, I'm getting tired of explaining it.

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I saw it more as option 3: explain that it places pressure on me to carry the full weight of conversation for the both of us in social situations, and hope that she’d want to support me a bit more, to help out.

 

I mean, would it be acceptable to ask a partner - who never helped with any housework - to help out a little more often?

 

Or perhaps the usual give and take in relationships doesn’t really apply in my situation?

 

Haven't you already explained this to her? And she got upset and said you were trying to change her? Why do you think asking her one more time would work?

 

And she might see it the opposite way, that you should want to accept her as she is and not try to get her to be someone she's not.

 

My ex husband was not only introverted but socially awkward. The guy used to say some very embarrassing things the times he did try to engage in conversations. But he wanted to change ME. He told me all my friends were stupid and all the things they were interested in were stupid and he wasn't going to waste his time hanging around stupid people. He had no friends of his own and could not understand why I "needed" friends.

 

We divorced, not just because of this issue but it was a big factor.

 

If she is not comfortable making conversation with people she will not make conversation with people.

 

Yes, your options are accept it or end the relationship if it's affecting you negatively.

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My last ex used to be social but when I met him was the type to only hang out with a couple people. He didn't get along with my friends and I grew tired of it. It was always awkward when he was there. He had the opportunity to get to know my friends but didn't try hard enough and I broke up with him partially because of this reason. Socialising is very important imo.

 

It's not minor issue, this is a big problem.

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I dunno, if the OP has already made it very clear to his gf as to how her actions affect him and why he would like her to step it up and she still refuses to make the effort, then yeah - you either have to accept the way things are, OP, or move on.

 

If by chance the OP hasn't made himself clear to the gf, including how these actions affect him and why he feels the way he does, I can't see how bringing it up again could do any harm (especially if she thinks of it as a trivial, minor problem, when in fact it seems to be a fairly large concern to the OP).

 

It seems like this is a pretty good relationship, other than this one issue. I'd hate to see a relationship being thrown away due to poor communication (that's if the OP was considering breaking up with her because of this).

 

I'm not sure if this is a communication problem, or if maybe the OP wants to bring it up one last time (despite already having communicated his concerns very clearly) because he's hoping she'll change. If it's the former, I'd give it one last try and make your concerns very clear. If it's the latter, OP, you're definitely wasting your breath.

 

You seemed to be a bit unsure of yourself when you mentioned that you did raise this issue with her, OP. Hence my comments above.

 

Only you know, OP.

 

Good luck!

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