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Thread: Introverted girlfriend, doesn’t engage socially with my friends

  1. #11
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this, but she's right.
    So you’re saying the only two options are 1) Learn to live with it; or 2) Leave her?

    Seems such as shame, but perhaps you’re right. I love her so I’d be absolutely gutted... but I don’t think I could live with it over the very long term.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Kenit2019
    So you’re saying the only two options are 1) Learn to live with it; or 2) Leave her?

    Seems such as shame, but perhaps you’re right. I love her so I’d be absolutely gutted... but I don’t think I could live with it over the very long term.
    Yes, these are your only 2 options.

    You want Option 3: Tell her how she can change to make you happy. Not gonna happen.

  3. #13
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    Agree very much with LHgirl. I too am an introvert, but I still know it is polite to ask one about themselves and not ramble on about myself. Perhaps she does feel awkward or insecure, but I know many shy people who will open up over time. I think she is simply not interested in getting to know your friends, and a social life just does not seem to be a priority to her. Nothing wrong with that, you are just different people. You just have to ask yourself: Is this a deal breaker for you?

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Kenit2019
    Yes, I’ve mentioned it a few times in the past quite subtly, i.e. “my dad would love it if you asked him about X thing, because he loves to talk about that...” - which sort of works, albeit with no follow-up questions.

    In situations where she’s completely silent all the way through a group social event, I’ve tried telling her it would be nice to have some more support from her, and I think she’d enjoy things more if she asked people about themselves etc, but she just got upset and felt I was trying to change her.

    It’s been really very hard to broach the subject - the last thing I want is to upset her. Perhaps I’m not very good with choosing the right words.
    It sounds like you've done your best to get your point across, and encourage her to engage with others. She may just be content with the way things are and doesn't see the need to make the effort.

    I think it's basic social etiquette to know that, when out in groups of people, you should ask questions and show an interest in other people in hopes of getting to know them better, or at the very least, to be polite.

    I'm a bit surprised that, based on your original post, she has no issue answering questions from other people about herself, yet somehow doesn't see the need to reciprocate and ask them something about themselves. Again, I think this is basic social etiquette 101.

    I mean, I consider myself to be an extroverted introvert - maybe a bit of an ambivert. I find I'm more talkative when one-on-one (not so much in group settings), but will always make the effort to get know others in group settings. It's just the polite thing to do.

    I think you have to decide whether this is a quality of your girlfriend's that you can live with, or if it's a deal-breaker.

    I couldn't be with someone like this. In social situations, I'd have to be with someone who I know is making an effort (even if it's the last place they'd want to be and the last thing they'd want to do), and there's no doubt I would want to be with someone who would expect the same of me.

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  6. #15
    I saw it more as option 3: explain that it places pressure on me to carry the full weight of conversation for the both of us in social situations, and hope that she’d want to support me a bit more, to help out.

    I mean, would it be acceptable to ask a partner - who never helped with any housework - to help out a little more often?

    Or perhaps the usual give and take in relationships doesn’t really apply in my situation?

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Kenit2019
    I saw it more as option 3: explain that it places pressure on me to carry the full weight of conversation for the both of us in social situations, and hope that she’d want to support me a bit more, to help out.

    I mean, would it be acceptable to ask a partner - who never helped with any housework - to help out a little more often?

    Or perhaps the usual give and take in relationships doesn’t really apply in my situation?
    I think open communication is important and that it's best for her to know why you'd like her to step it up because of how it affects you and makes you feel.

    If she's still unwilling, and wants to leave things as they are, you then have to make a decision as to whether this is something you can accept.

    If this is important to you, I'd hope that it was important to her as well.

  8. #17
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    Some introverts do not really want to have friends and are not relying on their extroverted significant other for a social life. They feel obligated to go to social events. It is not that they are being rude or do not like people. Introverts can be wired to avoid social contacts and actually are anxious during events such as New Year's parties.

    They do better one on one or in very small groups.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Kenit2019
    I saw it more as option 3: explain that it places pressure on me to carry the full weight of conversation for the both of us in social situations, and hope that she’d want to support me a bit more, to help out.

    I mean, would it be acceptable to ask a partner - who never helped with any housework - to help out a little more often?

    Or perhaps the usual give and take in relationships doesn’t really apply in my situation?
    Yes, not only acceptable to ask a partner to chip in with housework, but completely understandable.

    This isn't about washing dishes. This is Who. She. Is.

    Not sure what you're not getting here, but frankly, I'm getting tired of explaining it.

  10. #19
    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    Not sure what you're not getting here, but frankly, I'm getting tired of explaining it.
    OK fair enough, thanks.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Kenit2019
    I saw it more as option 3: explain that it places pressure on me to carry the full weight of conversation for the both of us in social situations, and hope that she’d want to support me a bit more, to help out.

    I mean, would it be acceptable to ask a partner - who never helped with any housework - to help out a little more often?

    Or perhaps the usual give and take in relationships doesn’t really apply in my situation?
    Haven't you already explained this to her? And she got upset and said you were trying to change her? Why do you think asking her one more time would work?

    And she might see it the opposite way, that you should want to accept her as she is and not try to get her to be someone she's not.

    My ex husband was not only introverted but socially awkward. The guy used to say some very embarrassing things the times he did try to engage in conversations. But he wanted to change ME. He told me all my friends were stupid and all the things they were interested in were stupid and he wasn't going to waste his time hanging around stupid people. He had no friends of his own and could not understand why I "needed" friends.

    We divorced, not just because of this issue but it was a big factor.

    If she is not comfortable making conversation with people she will not make conversation with people.

    Yes, your options are accept it or end the relationship if it's affecting you negatively.

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