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Thread: time to let go vs own issues

  1. #1
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    time to let go vs own issues

    Hi all, I am really struggling with things right now and I need advice.

    For a background on my relationship please refer to my previous post if interested..
    (thank you for all of those of you who replied to my previous thread, it meant the world to me. I went to the thread anytime I was feeling lonely or feeling like I wanted to say something to him)

    Since my last thread I really turned things around, I was upbeat, excited, always putting my best face forward when spending time with him and talking to him, being super motivating and supportive. I went out of my way to do things for him that would make him happy, I made him his favorite foods, desserts, surprised him with a night away where we watched movies in bed all night, it was great. He opens his practice on Monday and he's continued to tell me everything about it, sends me pictures, asks for my opinion, ect,ect. There were days and nights where I felt super defeated and like my efforts didn't mean much but I would always go back to the thread and it would help me not take things so personal. I also started therapy to help with my anxiety/insecurity and talk to someone else instead of running to him with my insecurities.

    I am just not comfortable. I feel extremely anxious and afraid about the future. I want to list some of the things that have transpired the last couple weeks and how im feeling and I would really appreciate your advice.

    1. For Christmas we exchanged gifts and he got me these pair of shoes I've been wanting and looking for and not able to find for the last year. It meant so much to me. Like he put in so much effort despite his busy schedule to find me these shoes. I felt really happy about it. More so because I felt like I still meant a lot to him that he took the time and effort to do this.

    2. For the last 4 years, we've spent every NYE together. This one was a struggle. I had a feeling he didn't want to go out and when I brought it up to him he kept just saying we will figure it out, we will figure it out, basically just brushing me off. Then one day he told me that on New Years day he has to be up super early to put his inventory into his system and that he's meeting his partner there so he can't be late. This made me sad, it was like he was indirectly telling me don't plan to do anything for NYE. Well I just didn't bring it up, I bit my tongue, I didn't make it a big deal even though I was sad about it. Despite feeling this way, I still made reservations to our favorite restaurant and I also bought tickets to a party just incase things got sold out/booked. The day before NYE I brought it up again. And he answered me as if like there was no question we were going to hang out (why is it that I constantly wonder and question and get worried that we won't hang out but in his mind its like a forsure thing?) anyways, he went on to say that he just can't stay out late because he has to be up early and that hell prob have to leave right after midnight. Fine, I was fine with this I told him all I cared about was being with him. We had a great time. We left the restaurant at 1130 and started to drive home, listening to the radio, laughed and brought in the new year right as he kissed me and dropped me home. This was fine for me, he has a long way home so it just meant a lot that he still came out. He was also feeling sick that night (head cold).

    3. The next day, New Years day, he finished his inventory then went home to spend some time with his family. Later that day he told me he was going back to work to assemble this table he wants to put in Confrence room. I asked him if he needed help or wanted me to come with (I was off of work that day so I was just at home with family all day so it would've been nice to step out for a little with him) he just responded no its okay baby thank you though. He ended up going by himself. This just is so odd to me. Why not want me to come with you? why not want my company? it doesn't make sense to me. He used to always want me with him all the time. Later on he told me that he thought his parter was going to meet him there and thats why he went alone but his partner didn't end up coming. Im telling you all these details because it just makes me feel so uneasy. His practice is far from his house and his partners house (about 45 min). It doesn't make sense that you and your partner that were just there in the morning drove all the way home only to decide to go back later to set up a table and you thought he would show up but didn't. Why would you drive alone? (they always drive together) I feel like hes lying to me. Or that he just said that to cover up the fact that he doesn't want me to be there or something.

    3. Later on that night, he was at his brothers house until sooo late with a bunch of friends and his brothers (even though he had work the next morning) it just hurts me. because why on a special occasion like NYE you have to rush and bolt to get home but other nights you can stay up until 3 am when you have work the next day. It just feels like I basically forced or begged him to spend NYE with me. I feel like if I hadn't kept bringing it up he wouldve never even Brought it up. I don't know. It just hurts me that he made it such a point that he can't be up late and that he needs to sleep but then other nights he's up with his brothers till so late. (he's always been super close to his brothers, this isn't just a new thing but it still hurts because before I would be his first priority and now I just feel like an inconvenience)

    4. Yesterday he told me about how a older lady who works in his new medical building came into his office and asked him if he was single, he said no and then she asked well is it serious?? and he said yeah its serious. And the lady said aw man well there is a doctor in this office who is gorgeous I thought you two would be good together. This just bothers me!! like why did he even tell me? what was the point? he knows how I've been feeling lately. its just annoying. I just laughed it off and said thats funny. I didn't show any concern, even though I was irritated inside. Who wants to feel like their partner is being hooked up at the place where he spends 90% of his time. Afterwards, he kept saying "you don't where you eat" basically saying how he would never get into a romantic relationship with someone at work that will just jeprodize his practice blah blah blag and how he thought that lady was so unprofessional. Idk I just felt like this was so weird to me.

    5. Despite being extra strong and positive and being the one who's been giving 90% last night I broke. I was feeling really sad, really scared, I just wanted reassurance from my best friend, I just wanted comfort from him. If you read my previous post you know that we share different religions and that when and if we finally decide to move towards getting engaged its going to be a struggle to get both of our families on board. I texted him and told him I really wanted to see him but he didn't see his phone until a hour later because he was at the gym and at that point it was too late.. and this is how our conversation went....
    Me: I just wanted to see you but it I didn't realize how late it was lol
    Him: why baby whats wrong?
    Me: idk I just feel a little afraid about the future between us
    Him: No baby I think ur just very emotional right now and ur getting your period lol **(I mean he has a point here, because I do tend to get super emotional)**
    Me: lol your probably right
    Me: But im just afraid that things will get so crazy and you won't want to deal with the things that come with our relationship.. that maybe you'll think its easier to be with some easier to be with.
    *20 min of no answer*
    Him: No baby don't think like that im sorry im falling asleep
    Me: its ok babe night night

    Even though it wasn't okay, and I was feeling extremely weak and going to him just for a shed of comfort I still said it was ok. It makes me sad that every single time I bring up the future with us he blows it off. How come he can stay up for hours and hours with his brothers but the moment I say something he's falling asleep? this isn't the first time. Granted before I posted my previous forum it was like an argument every single week, but I changed, you guys helped me to changed and look at this from a different perspective. but last night I just broke and I really just wanted comfort from him. I approached the conversation differently than I have ever before. It wasn't with anger or with questioning his motives it was just genuine. And he still blew it off. I know that the future is probably the last thing on his mind because he's opening on Monday but I still can't help but feel hurt only because this happens every single time. I truly do feel afraid that things will get even more busy and crazy and he won't want to deal with the huge burden that comes with fighting for our relationship.

    6. We are getting older, im 27, he's 31. Maybe these 4 years has changed him. Maybe the innocent love he felt before he doesn't feel anymore. He was so crazy and over the moon about never letting me go and about how everything will workout no matter what and that hell never give up on us but now any mention about the future he blows off. In the past I've told him if he's ever feeling like it'll be too hard to be in this relationship to just let me go, don't waste my time. he's always just responded no it won't be too hard, don't think like that. But like in my previous thread someone responded. These are just all words. no action. Another thing to note is that when we first met, he would do anything and everything to make things work, he said he would convert. 3 Years later, last January he basically said that we should take classes together and start going to church together so he can learn more about it ect ect, later on he just was feeling super anxious about it and I just told him don't worry, I know you have a lot on ur mind with finding a practice ect, ect, we can revisit this at a later time. I felt content with that decision. I realized that this man was someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I love him very much. And if we could respect our own separate religions (we've talked about how we want to raise our kids and with families ect ect) that this relationship was worth it to me.

    it just scares me that if he was so drastic to change his mind and get hesitant about something like that (which meant a lot to me in the beginning) that he can change his mind in terms of other things in the future I don't know. its not normal to feel this scared or uncomfortable all the time. Im scared that when the time comes to tell his family and fight for our relationship and it gets even a little hard he won't have the time or energy to go through with it. I do love him. And im willing to do anything and everything to make things work in terms of our future. I can't picture a life without him as my partner and best friend. I just don't feel like he's fully committed to this future of ours anymore. Its just a gut feeling. Maybe im wrong.

    What do you guys think? Am I dealing with my own issues of anxiety/insecurity or is it best for me to let go?

  2. 01-03-2019, 12:12 PM

  3. #2
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    You keep telling him your fears about the future and asking him to relieve them, you will push him right out of your future.

    Please learn to self-soothe. The guy is busy, he's trying to balance work, family, friends and you and he still found time to buy you a really thoughtful gift and spent time with you on NYE and tells you he loves you and wants you in his life...and it's still not enough? Do you want to be or are you an emotional vampire? Is it always "MORE, MORE MORE!!!" with you?

    Sorry to be harsh, but I see a lot of me me me in your post and not a lot of compassion for a guy who's burning the candle at both ends.

    And maybe he wanted to spend time with friends because they aren't constantly asking for reassurance that he likes them.

    As for the conversation with the woman at his office, would you have preferred he conceal this from you? Then you'd be wondering why he didn't tell you, what is he hiding???!!!

    If you want a future with this guy you need to sit tight, calm yourself down and quit asking him for reassurance. It's going to get really tiring really fast if you can't get a handle on this.

    BTW, he sounds like a great guy. I don't know why you don't see it.

  4. #3
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    I think youíre still seeing everything through the lens of anxiety. He spent so much effort to get you shoes he knew would make you so happy, because he loves you and wanted your holiday to be special. Amidst all of his responsibilities, that was how he chose to spend his time/effort to show you he loves you. He may not show love through mushy conversations and gushing over you. Especially when his mind is occupied with opening a new practice. Maybe he shows love through random thoutful gestures, like your new shoes.

    You seem to be tracking everything he does on an imaginary timeline and evaluating his priorities based on what he does and when. Heís not looking at things that way. Heís got so much going on at work, and believe me those responsibilities donít just exit your mind when you leave work. That weight is carried with him all the time. So when he found some time where he felt a bit less stressed, he chose to spend it with his brothers. That does not mean he values you any less. It just means he also values his brothers/friends and thatís just what he felt like doing that night. Would you rather he spent time with you even though he wanted to be with them?? No. Because then heíd seem ďoffĒ and youíd feel insecure and it would just spiral from there. You have to let him be where he wants to be, enjoy your time together but also enjoy your time apart.

    As far as the night you reached out to him for some comfort, I absolutely see why youíre not getting what you need. First, your texts did not indicate how upset you were, they were riddled with ďlolĒs. Second, you texted him instead of calling him. Itís very hard to interpret someoneís emotions through a text. Third, you did this late at night when heís almost asleep. Definitely not the right time.

    Guys need fairly explicit instructions. So you couldíve texted him ďhey call me when you have 10 minutes to talk.Ē Then make good use of that time, no beating around the bush. He calls, you say ďIím making a huge effort to get my insecurity under control but Iím really struggling right now, to the point of tears. I just needed to talk through it with you.Ē

    Iím very proud of you for really using the advice you were given and committing to becoming a better version of yourself. Youíre making great progress, so donít get discouraged!! I think you have a good guy, who is goal oriented and driven, and you just have to be patient for awhile. Use that time to grow yourself. And even if you donít end up together forever, youíre learning coping skills that will greatly benefit you in the future. Learn and grow everyday and you will live your best life.

  5. #4
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Despite being extra strong and positive and being the one who's been giving 90% last night I broke. I was feeling really sad, really scared, I just wanted reassurance from my best friend, I just wanted comfort from him.
    You are very needy and insecure lost... do you realize this? He went out of his way to try and create a wonderful thoughtful experience for you and you are sabotaging it at every turn. You creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of him becoming overwhelmed and leaving you.

    Yea he was with his friends and brothers so late because he is having FUN there... and yes you should be thoughtfully considering what this means. He wants to get away from the pressure of his job and his girlfriend breathing down his neck with her anxiety and insecurity.

    I get that it's change and you are used to spending every minute of your time together but that was never a sustainable thing for either of you in the long run.

    I mean it's great that you are trying but your motives are self-serving... it's all about trying to pull him in closer when all he wants is more independence and for you to be more independent as well.

    Even if at the end of the day it doesn't work out with him... this codependency and neediness you have will follow you into every other relationship unless you deal with it now. Please do something about it... stop focusing so much on him and start focusing more on yourself and what you want out of life.

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    I do realize this and thatís why I came on this forum. For help. This honestly really hurts. I understand maybe the truth hurts. I didnít sabotage what he did for me or what he gave me. I feel like he did have fun with me on NYE. Maybe not. Maybe that is why he doesnít spend as much time with me. Now I feel even more insecure.
    Originally Posted by maew
    You are very needy and insecure lost... do you realize this?

    Yea he was with his friends and brothers so late because he is having FUN there... and yes you should be thoughtfully considering what this means. He wants to get away from the pressure of his job and his girlfriend breathing down his neck with her anxiety and insecurity.
    .

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    Originally Posted by lost0411
    I do realize this and thatís why I came on this forum. For help. This honestly really hurts. I understand maybe the truth hurts. I didnít sabotage what he did for me or what he gave me. I feel like he did have fun with me on NYE. Maybe not. Maybe that is why he doesnít spend as much time with me. Now I feel even more insecure.
    But you can fix this by getting a handle on your anxiety.

    Next time you're tempted to question him about whether or not he really wants to be with you, call someone else instead. Or distract yourself by doing something. What do you do for fun on your own? Do you get together with girlfriends and work out, go to a film, go out to lunch or dinner or happy hour with friends, do the shopping and lunch thing, go get your nails done together or anything else you enjoy doing? Are you into any kind of arts and crafts, do you enjoy reading, cooking, sports activities?

    If you make him your entire focus you will feel lost (like your user name!) whenever he's busy doing something else. Instead, get busy doing your own "something elses". That way you'll have something interesting to talk to him about, plus you'll be having so much fun and have so much going on you won't have time to ruminate and question him.

    Otherwise you'll continue to interrogate him and could end up driving him out of your life completely. I'm sure that's not what you want.

    And try to find out why you are so fearful. What's the root cause of your fear?

  9. #7
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lost0411
    I do realize this and thatís why I came on this forum. For help. This honestly really hurts. I understand maybe the truth hurts. I didnít sabotage what he did for me or what he gave me. I feel like he did have fun with me on NYE. Maybe not. Maybe that is why he doesnít spend as much time with me. Now I feel even more insecure.
    You didn't intend to sabotage it... however that's exactly what you are subconsciously doing. I can tell from your posts you are a very sweet, sensitive and giving person... so please believe me when I say this isn't an attack on your character... it's simply an observation of your behaviors that, if you don't do something serious about them, will cause you to push the person you love most in the world away from you.

    I have been you, have pushed people away with my neediness and insecurity... friends, family, boyfriends. The catalyst for change for me was oddly when I was turned down for a job I really wanted... the hiring manager told me it was really close but I needed to change how I interacted with people if I wanted a chance again. This hurt me deeply and scared the heck out of me... because I realized that everything everyone had been telling me all along was true. What I also learned was that the truth didn't kill me and I was a better person for it... because it helped me see myself as others saw me and helped me see how badly I wanted to be a good friend/partner/colleague. Fast forward to now... I took a serious look at myself, got some serious help for my issues, and I now have a career I love, great relationships, ditched my a$$hole ex and am living a life with confidence, independence, and self-esteem. It was NOT easy but it can be done!

    I am simply hoping that by sharing my experiences I can prevent others from doing the same... you seem to have a wonderful partner that loves you, please do everything you can to take care of yourself so you can be there for him in the way you want and have him be there for you.

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    Agree with others, especially boltnrun, please read her posts again, and then again!

    As for him telling you about the older woman, it's seems clear to me he told you precisely because he wanted to reassure you -- reassure you that when random women approach him, he's telling them he is in a serious relationship, so they back off.

    Again given all your insecurities, which unfortunately you choose to burden him with, his intention was to reassure you, not to cause you to become more anxious. That's how I interpret it anyway.

    But yet you turned it into a negative, as you've turned everything else he's done into a negative, because of your insecurities and anxieties.

    I agree with the other poster who said he sounds like a great boyfriend, making a real effort to assuage your insecurities while being true to himself and what he needs.

    I'm not sure what more you want from him, it sounds exhausting!

    As boltnrun said, if you don't dial your insecurities and anxieties back and learn to manage them within yourself, you're going to push him right out the door.

    I'm sorry if this makes you feel worse, but you need to hear it so you can begin the process of making changes within yourself and not push away a great boyfriend.

  11. #9
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    I agree with everything everyone has been saying.

    Do you have a life of your own that motivates you? How's your relationship with friends and family?

    Getting therapy was a very good idea for your own good and for the good of this relationship. A therapist will teach you mechanisms to deal with your anxiety and insecurity and how to manage it and not letting it affect your relationships in a negative way. This dynamic is not healthy at all and it's very exhausting to him. Also you're all too focused on your own needs, insecurities and "lack" and you're putting on him all the burden and responsibility to fix them. It's not his responsibility, it's on you. It's not fair to him nor sustainable at all.

    Good luck.

  12. #10
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    when you are in a relationship a number of years, sometimes you have to get up for work on a holiday and take care of other responsibilities. He clearly cares for you. He made an effort on your gift. He just needed to do work related things especially as we get older. I agree with therapy for you

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