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Thread: Lonely after breakup

  1. #1
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    Lonely after breakup

    Dear all,

    I'm so grateful for this forum. I moved from the north to the south of England with my boyfriend when he got a new job. I was reluctant to move far from my family, especially as my dad was terminally ill, but I wanted to build my relationship. We decided not to live together initially, and so I lived on my own and worked from home, while my boyfriend lived with 5 housemates and worked from an office. My dad passed away in March 2018. My boyfriend's life blossomed down here, whereas as mine was more stunted. I was grieving and hadn't made many friends, struggling to deal with anxiety. My boyfriend spent more and more time with his housemates who enjoyed drinking and partying, and who increasingly left me out of events (I'm a bit of an introvert and don't drink so that was a bit of a deal breaker!) I felt like they became his priority over me, and felt he was unable to support me emotionally through my difficulties; always on his phone while he was with me. We grew further and further apart until, in November 2018, decided to split. Now, back in my flat over Christmas, I feel extremely lonely. I miss his company and have such a strong urge to text him. Towards the end of the relationship, I felt extremely taken for granted and pushed aside, so being in his company was seldom rewarding. How can I break free from these ties and stop suffering? I have occasionally text him in the hopes of being friends (I do not want him back but we spoke of remaining friends), but I realise that a friendship isn't a good idea, and won't be able to be maintained. How do I let go of this compulsion to text him and let him go from my life?

    Any help or personal experiences would be much appreciated xx

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Move back home. Never follow anyone anywhere without a solid concrete plan and commitment.
    Originally Posted by jenberry
    I moved from the north to the south of England with my boyfriend when he got a new job.

  3. #3
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    Wiseman, you're so right. Unfortunately I am unable to move back home until a few months have passed (for financial reasons) so it's a bit tricky. But yes, lesson learned there!!

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    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Well November wasn't very long ago so sorry to say, you're still in the thick of it right now...plus xmas/NY does make it harder.

    So be patient and kind to yourself. It's a painful process but you'll just have to lean into it rather than struggle too hard against it. That will just make you more wound up and can cause further problems down the track.

    There are 2 ways to rid yourself of the compulsions to contact him. And yes they're gonna come for a while yet...

    1) Distract yourself. Example: Urge to text or call. Call someone else or put the phone down and go do something. A walk around the block, look in the kitchen as to what you're going to have for dinner, organize your wardrobe, look up meditation on YT etc etc....Rinse and repeat.

    2) Go ahead. Text or call of FB him. You will come to learn why that's a bad idea and how it's goddamn painful and why as hard as it is, we just shouldn't do it.

    And so, if you choose option 2, you will continue to do it....until you don't anymore.....although it's sounds like you're coming to know this already....

    Another couple of suggestions: Read a few threads on here and post some comments. You will see you are definitely not alone right now...

    And before you send that msg, picture in your mind that you send it. Then imagine in your mind how you'll be feeling if he doesn't reply, 24 hours from now, 42 hours from now, and 72 hours from now... That usually stops you from doing it :)

    It's my night off and this is when I get those urges...

    But she'll be with her new guy and I'll just look like the desperate hobo standing in the rain looking through the window. No friggin way!

    But it's also been quite a few months for me now so it IS slightly easier. I understand....

    So instead, I'm gonna cook some pasta and watch this Bird Box movie that everyone is going on about....

    Oh and lastly I wanted to relate. You know why my marriage ended? Because she just wanted to go out and party and drink and sleep around....at 40*

    Hope this helps a bit. Go back and read it again.

    All for now.

    ((Hugs))

    Carus*
    Last edited by Carus; 01-03-2019 at 09:57 AM.

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    Member frustrated1's Avatar
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    Hi Jen,

    You have received some good advice from Carus already, but I wanted to add just a bit to what was already said. You seem to be thinking about this quite logically, and so I am sure that you have noticed that these urges to contact ebb and flow. I found when going through a break up that with a little bit of strong will you can curb the hopeful texts and phone calls. When I got the urge to text or call I would do two things: first I would try to remind myself why we broke up. Try to remember all the reasons it wasn't working, and put yourself back in that place. Remind yourself of how you felt when he was on his phone instead of spending quality time with you. If that didn't work, I would tell myself I would wait an hour, then two or three, and text him then if I still felt like it. Chances were, after that hour, my urge to reach out would subside, and my logical mind would tell me I would feel better off not doing it. It worked most of the time, I can't say it prevented me from reaching out all together, but it definitely helped some. Hope this was helpful to you. Stay strong <3

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    I'm very sorry you went through all this. If you have such urge to text I think you should delete him from you cellphone and social media. Block if necessary. It's never a good idea to be friends when there's still feelings.

    Do you have family or friends in your city that you can talk on the telephone? They might not be in the same city but they can listen to you talk to you.

    Also, do you have a concrete plan of how many months you need to return home?

  8. #7
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    You should move back home.

    In all honesty it is also your responsibility to build your own life. You should be getting out and getting involved in hobbies, Meetups, volunteering, classes, whatever. Your partner should not be your babysitter. It also sounds like your bf checked out long ago.

  9. #8
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    May I ask how long you dated before you moved?

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Carus
    Well November wasn't very long ago so sorry to say, you're still in the thick of it right now...plus xmas/NY does make it harder.

    So be patient and kind to yourself. It's a painful process but you'll just have to lean into it rather than struggle too hard against it. That will just make you more wound up and can cause further problems down the track.

    There are 2 ways to rid yourself of the compulsions to contact him. And yes they're gonna come for a while yet...

    1) Distract yourself. Example: Urge to text or call. Call someone else or put the phone down and go do something. A walk around the block, look in the kitchen as to what you're going to have for dinner, organize your wardrobe, look up meditation on YT etc etc....Rinse and repeat.

    2) Go ahead. Text or call of FB him. You will come to learn why that's a bad idea and how it's goddamn painful and why as hard as it is, we just shouldn't do it.

    And so, if you choose option 2, you will continue to do it....until you don't anymore.....although it's sounds like you're coming to know this already....

    Another couple of suggestions: Read a few threads on here and post some comments. You will see you are definitely not alone right now...

    And before you send that msg, picture in your mind that you send it. Then imagine in your mind how you'll be feeling if he doesn't reply, 24 hours from now, 42 hours from now, and 72 hours from now... That usually stops you from doing it :)

    It's my night off and this is when I get those urges...

    But she'll be with her new guy and I'll just look like the desperate hobo standing in the rain looking through the window. No friggin way!

    But it's also been quite a few months for me now so it IS slightly easier. I understand....

    So instead, I'm gonna cook some pasta and watch this Bird Box movie that everyone is going on about....

    Oh and lastly I wanted to relate. You know why my marriage ended? Because she just wanted to go out and party and drink and sleep around....at 40*

    Hope this helps a bit. Go back and read it again.

    All for now.

    ((Hugs))

    Carus*

    Wow, thank you Carus for such a kind and comprehensive response. I'm only sorry it was learned through your own experience, it sounds frighteningly similar to mine. You're so right. Every time I text him, the outcome is dreadfully unsatisfying. It definitely feels like being an addict: you know the substance is wrong for you but the urges get so strong that you don't even care anymore if it kills you, you just have to give in. Once the desire is fulfilled, momentary peace arises but then, a complete feeling of disappointment. My ex always replies but it takes him hours after he actually sees the message. The responses are increasingly weird and formal, showing no emotion whatsoever. His approach puts undue importance on someone who has let me down time and time again, including when I was grieving for my father (less than a week later he said, 'you're no fun anymore'). This person cannot support me emotionally, why do I keep craving his contact? It's very frustrating. However, I will definitely try your suggestions. I'm glad I'm not alone. (P.S. Let me know what you think of Bird Box. I've heard mixed reviews!) xx

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by frustrated1
    Hi Jen,

    You have received some good advice from Carus already, but I wanted to add just a bit to what was already said. You seem to be thinking about this quite logically, and so I am sure that you have noticed that these urges to contact ebb and flow. I found when going through a break up that with a little bit of strong will you can curb the hopeful texts and phone calls. When I got the urge to text or call I would do two things: first I would try to remind myself why we broke up. Try to remember all the reasons it wasn't working, and put yourself back in that place. Remind yourself of how you felt when he was on his phone instead of spending quality time with you. If that didn't work, I would tell myself I would wait an hour, then two or three, and text him then if I still felt like it. Chances were, after that hour, my urge to reach out would subside, and my logical mind would tell me I would feel better off not doing it. It worked most of the time, I can't say it prevented me from reaching out all together, but it definitely helped some. Hope this was helpful to you. Stay strong <3
    Thank you! Yes, the urges definitely ebb and flow. One day, I feel like I'm completely over it, the next, I feel like I'm back to square 1. I love your suggestions, especially the idea of delaying contacting him. Thanks so much for your support. I wish I knew about this site weeks ago <3

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