Grass is Greener Syndrome

I have been with my GF for over 2 years now. We’re both on our early 20’s. Everything is perfect, she is the most amazing, caring and beautiful person I have ever met - the person I ultimately want to marry and spend the rest of my life with.

Recently however, I have been having doubts; not about the relationship in general about me, how I have never experienced anyone or any other relationship.

This is my first relationship (and first love) so how do I know it’s right?

I absolutely adore her and would do anything for her but I can’t stop these thoughts. She is my first proper sexual partner, I have had a couple of drunk one night stands before her but never anything serious / a relationship. She has been in a longterm relationship before me which also causes me to doubt. I feel terrible and guilty that I cant stop thinking, is the grass greener on the other side of the fence?

These feeling we’re mostly brought on by a drunk conversation with someone much older than me (late 50’s) and much more life experiences about how I always spend all my time with her and that I don’t reallt spend time with friends or other females. He was basically saying I don’t want to end up being board of each other in my mid 40’s like some of his friends. But by that time life has almost passed you by, you’re not young anymore and have got lots of responsibilities and possibly a family. You’ve long gone by the times of going out, getting drunk and meeting new people like you did when you were younger (early 20’s like me) - getting to know new people and having new experiences with other people. But now I’m scared of letting the best person in my life go and never being able to get her back or things being the same again and then regretting the decision for the rest of my life - i.e. the grass being greener on the other side of the fence.

I’m extremely confused and don’t have a clue what to do.

Continue dating exclusively if you wish to, but slow way down on the marriage and future talk. Stop being jointed at the hip.

You need your own life, friends, interests, profession, finances and living alone first and so does she. Both of you need to do all that first rather than live at home and talk about happily ever after as if this is puppy love.

You are way too over involved to the point of getting sick of things and that in itself is smothering you. Is she the one pushing for marriage already? Is that why you suddenly have cold feet and doubts?.

I ultimately want to marry and spend the rest of my life with. Recently however, I have been having doubts

Well one thing I just want to point out is that if you do break up with your girlfriend, you're right that you may not get her back. If you want to date other people then she probably will too if she's single and she may find someone else and you will not be with her ever again (at least not in a relationship capacity). However, I think this is actually very normal in today's society to do that because people mostly settle down in their late 20's and 30's. Times have changed and not that many people end up marrying the person they were with in their early 20's.

But just as another food for thought, in my opinion relationships largely depend on mindset. They do take work and commitment and for example 50 years ago people got married very young and probably hadn't experienced much in the way of relationships and they were OK with that. I don't think you necessarily need to be with many people first to know that you love a particular person e.g. your girlfriend. My parents met when my Mum was 19 and Dad 21. They got engaged after four months and married after one year of being together. They've now been married for thirty six years.

I must say though that I also 100% understand just wanting to be young and to experiment. I'm 33 and I'm getting married next year, but I've certainly had my very fair share of sexual partners, have done a lot of partying, drinking, drugs, smoking, threesomes, you name it. After having done all that I feel that now at 33 I'm happy to just choose my fiance as the one person I would hope to spend the rest of my life with. If I was young and not that experienced then maybe my mindset would have been very different!

Anyway, I leave the decision up to you.

Jumping from one short term partner to another also gets old. You start feeling that you're living a shallow life. As mentioned, having your own fulfilling life besides have a partner is key to a happy life, but that doesn't include forming new female friendships when you're exclusive. It means spending time alone. Spending time with guy friends. Having group friends you and your gf hang out with along with double dating. It means having a hobby/ interest you do on your own, and maybe a hobby you share with your partner. It means working on career goals if you're not already doing so for your financial future.

It's up to each person to keep the spark alive with daily effort. Basically behaving in a way that shows you care--picking up what the other needs at the store. Texting an "I miss you," etc. Taking care of your partner when they're sick. Making their birthday special. To me, building a beautiful life with someone has it's highs, lows, and plateaus, and it's not boring unless you neglect your effort. Sowing wild oats is mostly highs, but it is short-lived. A hedonistic life won't satisfy in the long run.

It's helpful to me to make a pros and cons list for each of the decisions. Seeing it in writing makes me see things more clearly. That might be helpful to you, but make sure you shred it so your gf doesn't see it.

Were not the responses you received on your previous thread three days ago sufficient enough?

Please refer back to that thread for my opinion, good luck!

You should have included all of this:

"But here’s the kicker.

Her Mom ( I get on amazing with) came home when I was at her house. She was a little bit drunk but she was saying to be careful we don’t get board of each other like other older couples she knows which really got me thinking.

I don’t think I’m ready to settle down yet, this is my first relationship, we’re both 23. She’s been in a couple of relationships before. Yes I do want to go out and have a good time but I feel like it’s much deeper than that (which I never do go out or see friends now as she doesn’t like me going out). I feel like I’m giving so much of my life up and I’m TERRIFIED of things not working out and I’ve just watched life pass me by. But I also want to work on myself, my carrer. Unfortunately my passion will take an unbelievable amount of work and effort to achieve working at least 12 hour days which she doesn’t like because I’m not spending that time with her but then I feel depressed because it’s an impossible situation do I upset her or do I feel depressed getting pushed into a career that I don’t want to do because I didn’t put the time into what I love doing ( which is becoming a professional golfer on tour). She does everything for me, gives me lifts and pays for things when I can’t. Her parents pay for me to do a lot of things because I can’t afford the type of lifestyle they have.

I hardly ever see my friends maybe once every 6 months since I’ve been with her and I feel like I’m losing them all, I keep arranging plans and cancelling them, I feel like an very bad friend. We hardly ever have sex, I feel bad for even bringing this up but I feel sometimes that she’s not attracted to me or not sexually anyway. We probably have sex once a month at best even though there’s no excuse not to, we have a place together and I’ve talked to her but nothing seems to change. I’m up to have sex most nights, but I feel like I’m completely suppressing my sex drive which is also getting me down.

I’m so sorry for the long read.

Recently these feeling have become much stronger maybe because I’m not playing golf much and obviously the holiday periods are all about family but I spend most of my time with her family even though my family is very loving. To complicate things further I fancy a girl she works with at the bar I can’t stop thinking about her and I’m asking my GF questions about her, I couldn’t say why I feel this way but I feel awful for it. Yes she’s very good looking but I have never spoken to her but I only know what my GF has told me about her, she’s also 27 so really she’s out of the question but it’s messed my head even having these feeling because I wouldn’t even look at another girl in the past.

I’m scared of letting go and regretting it for the rest of my life".

I guess you didn't like the answers from the other thread.

I replied on your previous, nearly identical thread but you did not respond, so I will ask again.

How does imagining 50 more years of being in this relationship make you feel?

And you certainly did leave out some relevant information, such as she doesn't "allow" you to see your friends and she wants all of your time off work to be spent with her. And she gets upset if you don't.

It doesn't sound like you are ready yet to be an adult - and that's fine. Honestly your early 20s are pretty much designed for being young, doing stupid stuff and figuring out who you are. Personally, as someone who is in my mid 30s, even the thought of going out to bars and getting drunk and partying etc. sounds exhausting. I am happy to hang out with my partner, spend time as a family and occasionally go to a movie or go to a book club with close friends.

You are not at the right stage in life and forcing yourself to settle down is making you crazy. This very well might be the girl you love, but attempting to be someone you are not is only going to make you resentful. I would cut her loose and figure out what you want before attempting a long term relationship again.

I didn't remember that you were the one who posted the other thread. I stick with what I posted on that former thread, since you left out other details on this thread.

Ditto above and also:

Stop listening to older bitter people. Just because their lives took that kind of turn doesn't mean yours will.

If you BUILD a life TOGETHER full of love, honesty, respect, fun, adventure and happiness why would you get bored with each other?

Regret is the worst thing you can carry through life so choose carefully but don't listen to drunk people projecting their regrets onto you and your relationship. Exactly what do you want to do that you cannot do with your gf right now?

Lost

 

Exactly what do you want to do that you cannot do with your gf right now?

 

Since they rarely have sex (her choice), I would say have sex, for starters.

OP, I said this in your previous thread but when your gf does not have the desire to have sex with you and when she does it's mediocre, unless you want a close friendship (which is what this is and yes you can love your friends), it's time to say goodbye and look for another woman who does wish to have sex with you, and who is attracted to you.

Is this all about sex?

If you are not compatible then it doesn't matter how awesome she is. You should talk to her about your concerns before making any big decisions.

Lost

I'm 29 amd I've been in 2 long term relationships so far (4 years and 8 years). I did not get bored or watched my life pass me by because I kept on improving myself, working on things that I liked and so on. While my husband DID get bored and DID want to experience more in his life by the time he turned 30 (we got married when he was 23).

I also read here from another user that "The grass is greener where you water it."

Relationships are a lot of work and it's not an easy work. This girl or another one you think there's that much different experiences? Why not to ask YOUR girl if she wants to try something new together with you? Something tells me she does not want a boring life too.