My boyfriend of 6 years broke up with me

Hi all

I am really trying to seek out some guidance as IÂ’m not dealing with this very well.

Long story... we met 6 years ago, online and initially I think for us both it was a bit of fun, although for me (I am 14 years older) it quite quickly, well within about 6-8 months, he grew to be somebody very special. We went through some blips mainly to do with stage of life, due to our age and the distance we had between us, which started out at about 1.5 hours, but he moved and changed jobs to be closer, so down to an hour. So, IMO not really that far. We would see each other most weekends, he would come to me and I would go to him mid week. He was so very supportive of my life, he helped me as much as he could with my 2 boys, both financially and emotionally, he was always there to listen and advise when things got tough with them. I have zero financial or emotional support from their dad. He encouraged and motivated me, told me how beautifully I am inside and out and was really a very lovely kind man, and in fairness I was the same to him. He wanted and had bought a couple of houses to do up and rent. I helped and accepted thatÂ’s what he needs to do, I supported his job choice which meant he couldnÂ’t live closer to us, and helped him through very difficult times too. He used to say he was punching above and couldnÂ’t believe how lucky he was. I made him high on life!! Anyway thatÂ’s a bit of background. We did fall out due to the distance and I think primarily the responsibility he felt that although he did it, he didnÂ’t really want it.

So we saw each other Boxing Day and had the best day/night. We laughed loved talked, he said when we were in church a few days previously he felt like he wanted to marry me. The next day I had to work and he said he was going to work on his house but would be back about 6. We arranged what we would have for dinner. We messaged through the day and he said at 5, he was about to leave, then he calls and says he doesnÂ’t think he can do this anymore. He needs to be free to do what he needs to do without feeling guilty, he doesnÂ’t want the responsibility, I need a man thatÂ’s there for me all the time (I think he was referring to a hospital appt I had when he couldnÂ’t be there) I was gob smacked. I asked him how he could do this over the phone, he says when heÂ’s with me all his fears disappear but when we are apart he dwells on them. So saying it over the phone is easier because he canÂ’t see me!!!

After 3 hours of talking, crying, shouting. I Eventually said that I think we are just at different stages of life and I respect his decision. He sobbed when I said this. When we finally said goodbye it was so painful as I think I knew this would be the last time I would ever speak to him.

This was a week ago and I realised yesterday that he has still put £200 in my bank account, as he has done for the past year, to help me and also as he spent a lot of time at mine to pay for his keep!! He earns 10 times more than I do, but none the less, seeing that money made me think what an amazing man. He did say on our last phone call that he was always here for me and he wanted to carry on supporting me.

So.... do I thank him for the money, I so want to reach out to him but fear it will break my heart even more if I do, but I donÂ’t want him to think IÂ’m not ever so grateful for him doing this. Do you think space will help him realise if he really does miss me, or was this all just an excuse and heÂ’s already met somebody else. He always said he would never find anybody as amazing as me, and he is so proud of me... we fit so well together etc.

Anyway sorry this is soooo long. Feel like I just poured my heart out to total strangers, but could really do with some insight.

Last point is that we have always had these issues of different stage of life, and have briken up twice before. Once I instigated getting back together and once he did!!

Thank you all for listening.

Xx

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he still cares but was honest that the age, distance, increased responsibilities, incompatibilities. on/off breakups, etc all caught up with him.

It may be best to advocate for your children and go to court to get them the child support they are entitled to from their father. This man is not responsible for that.

he helped me as much as he could with my 2 boys, both financially and emotionally. I have zero financial or emotional support from their dad.

-I realised yesterday that he has still put £200 in my bank account, as he has done for the past year

-He did say on our last phone call that he was always here for me and he wanted to carry on supporting me.

Thank you wiseman. Yes I do believe he still cares, and it’s not his responsibility. I can’t do anything with my children’s father as he left the country!!

Do you think leaving him alone will just make him realise these things even more? I’m really struggling with whether I thank him for the money and say it’s not his responsibility to do this. Has he done this because he feels guilty as well?

Hi Elle. Six years is a long time and a breakup seemingly out of the blue is devastating.

Having been in two long distance relationships before (one successful, one not), I can relate to the pressure he feels managing frequent visits and the resulting lack of time he has for himself. It can be overwhelmingly stressful. Add to that the age difference, your children, financial disparity and health issues and it’s the perfect storm of issues that have likely accumulated in his mind.

It’s obvious he feels guilty for leaving, hence the deposit into your account. I do think you should thank him and decline future gifts. Remove any sense of obligation he feels toward you so that the pressure lessens and he can be truly independent. No one can say if he will feel pulled back to you eventually. It’s possible, as the break-up/make-up dance is very common. It also doesn’t bode welll for a positive outcome or “happily ever after”. Once the seed of doubt is planted, it’s difficult to overcome. If there were specific plans for you to move in close proximity again, it’s possible that would help, but the distance is just one pressure he’s probably feeling.

I think you should thank him, politely decline any future financial contributions and move on with your life, throwing yourself into your most important relationship, your two kiddos.

Best of luck to you.

Yes, it is a long time and tbh it felt out of the blue, but really all these things have always been there... when we are together it’s all great but when apart he possibly over thinks things. So I probably should have known at some point this would happen.. as I said, it’s not the first time.

I do agree about the money, but I am so scared of messaging him. I don’t even think I can bring up his name in my phone. And again being honest, I can’t afford to carry on living in the house I’m in if I lose that money and I’m certainly not living the high life as it is. Am trying to get an additional job.

Just wish everything was ok.. its hard, but I am focusing on my boys, although they are 14 and 18 so not needy little people anymore, it all feels very silent in my house

Thank you x

Then you need to move.

It's not your ex's responsibility to keep giving you money so you can stay in a house you can't afford. If either (or both) of you get into new relationships, do you think your new partners will accept this arrangement?

I'm sure this is painful, but planning your future will help. Be sure to make a plan that doesn't have you financially relying on an ex.

And enjoy your boys. I'm sure they are a wonderful source of joy. Kids always are.

If only it were that easy. Sadly selling here can take months and even then I couldn’t afford to buy anything for less money and renting is even more expensive. I need to hold onto what I have. I do understand where you are coming from though and have drafted a message, I’m just too scared to send it. I’m scared if his response as I am sure he would reply,

And then I feel as though I am back in conversation with him, which is too soon for me.

Then return the money and ask he not correspond with you for the sake of your own healing.

You either can afford the place or you can't. It's not a matter of "not that easy" when it comes to the difference between being able to actually pay for the place but at the expense of luxuries and foreclosure, having to rent anyway, or dealing with the consequent legal difficulties that come with squatting. If you genuinely can't afford the place, you need to be looking into real-world measures that don't include relying on a man not beholden to you reliably depositing £200 into your account.

We can only guess at his motivations and what he might do going forward, but based on what you wrote and what I've seen and read about the countless experiences of others in a similar situation I will offer the following:

Sometimes the dumper realizes they made a mistake sometime down the line, be it weeks or months or years and they come around again.

Sometimes the dumper thinks they made a mistake and they come back but quickly realize it was just that they were lonely and the person they dumped was a "familiar comfort" but they don't really want to reconcile after all.

Most relationships ultimately fail, regardless of how long or short they are, which is why we typically go out with lots of people in our lives and maybe find one that really goes the distance. If there are problems that caused him to leave, you can expect that at least in his mind the relationship doesn't have what it takes to go the distance and there is no reason to expect that to ever change. People can and do change but as we get older it's less likely and when change occurs it can take a very long time.

As far as him giving you the money, it's reasonable to say it's all about "dumpers guilt". I'd be surprised if you get more than 1 or 2 additional payments out of him, but take it. He's left you in a tough financial spot as I understand it. It's the morally right thing to do.

I don't agree that he is responsible for her choosing to live somewhere she can't afford. I don't see that he "left her in a tough financial spot"when she herself said she is living above her means and can't afford her own housing.

OP, is there another way you can afford your own housing? Why is moving to a less expensive place completely out of the question?

And what is the message you have drafted? Are you simply saying "thank you" or are you asking him to stop giving you money since you are no longer together?

I don't agree that he is responsible for her choosing to live somewhere she can't afford. I don't see that he "left her in a tough financial spot"when she herself said she is living above her means and can't afford her own housing.

I could be wrong there, I wasn't clear on the financial/living arrangements. It seemed to me that they had established that he was paying part of her living expenses since he was there a lot and it could have become status quo and his sudden departure left her in the lurch so to speak. I could be wrong, she may have moved there knowing what the expenses were and accepting responsibility for all of them and it's not his problem.

Anyway it's really not the major issue here.

I don't agree that he is responsible for her choosing to live somewhere she can't afford. I don't see that he "left her in a tough financial spot"when she herself said she is living above her means and can't afford her own housing.

 

OP, is there another way you can afford your own housing? Why is moving to a less expensive place completely out of the question?

 

And what is the message you have drafted? Are you simply saying "thank you" or are you asking him to stop giving you money since you are no longer together?

Totally, her financial situation is not his responsibility nor her choice to live above her means. Also, he has no legal or even moral obligation to support her financially after break up.

......................

Is you oder son working? Can you get a second job? You should not be accepting any money from him!

This is the message I have drafted but not sent

Hi there. I wanted to say thank you for still giving me £200. I am truly grateful, however I feel you should remove the obligation you feel towards me and lessen the pressure on yourself, I am not your responsibility anymore, and by doing this you are not truly setting yourself free to be independent of me and live your life as you have chosen to do.

I have lived here for 10 years and though due to increased lack of financial support from my children’s dad, things have got increasingly harder. I also have a chronic illness which stopped me from working for 6 months but have managed to get to a stage where I can now work again. But not at the same level I used to. Because he was and is a very good man, he supported and helped where he could throughout the years if our relationship. I think he doesn’t want to see me out on the streets with my 2 children, and there is guilt for finally ending things.

It’s hard enough trying to deal with a serious relationship breakdown and then the financial chaos. Yes I know it’s not his responsibility and if I felt stronger about everything I would just call up and say stop please. But I don’t and feel terrible for at least not just saying a thank you at this stage. I still love the bones of him and I know that at the breakup he cried and said he was going against every fibre in his body by doing this, but he wanted me to be happy too and felt that by sticking with me in this long distance relationship I would never find anybody else.

So hard x

And really I am trying to deal with wanting him back so much and in the same breath trying to get over him. The money aspect has just made things harder for me, as it makes me want to reach out, but feel that for my own sanity I can’t even say thank you. That said all of your comments made me think about needing to send a message as per the one I drafted. My head is all over the place though. It’s only been 8 days since we broke up

What this letter really says? Keep giving me money out of pity.

This is the message I have drafted

 

due to increased lack of financial support from my children’s dad, things have got increasingly harder.

I also have a chronic illness which stopped me from working for 6 months

The neemssage I was going to send to him ended at “chosen tons”

The rest was just my continued post on here. I would never send him all that!!

Sorry, that made no sense.

It was only the first paragraph I was sending the him, the additional paragraphs were for this post. I would never send him anything to make him feel pity!!

This is the message I have drafted but not sent

 

Hi there. I wanted to say thank you for still giving me £200. I am truly grateful, however I feel you should remove the obligation you feel towards me and lessen the pressure on yourself, I am not your responsibility anymore, and by doing this you are not truly setting yourself free to be independent of me and live your life as you have chosen to do.

 

If the message ends here I think it's fine.

I think the message you plan to send is a good one.

Don't delay sending it just because you think you can't survive without him giving you money. You will figure out a way. Most governments have assistance programs for single mothers, see if you are eligible for any of them.

Also, I presume your 18 year old is a full-time student and therefore doesn't work (which makes sense, BTW). But if the 18 year old is not in school, perhaps he or she can get a part time job to help out. My kids got part time jobs when they were 17 and 18, not to support the household but to pay their own expenses (i.e., gas for the car, clothes, etc.).

Thank you. I’m not delaying in sending it because I don’t think I can survive without it. I applied for a 2nd job today. Adhoc hours for end of tenancy cleaning, I’m delaying in sending it because I’m so scared of contacting him. I probably stupidly think that we could still make this work, but this message if I send it is a pretty final goodbye, and I’m also scared of just seeing a message or email from him and what it might say. That’s my dilemma. Would somebody receive this and think, well thanks I tried to help so you can just get lost, or would they think, wow, she’s trying to move on, or any other thoughts?

I don't know what he'll "think". But he was very clear from what you wrote that the relationship is over. Delaying sending the thank you message because you think it will end the relationship doesn't make sense because HE already ended it.

Besides, it's basic courtesy to say "thank you" when someone gives you something. And you will be letting him know that you don't expect him to keep helping to support you and your family, which he most likely would see as something admirable.

You’re right and wanting to say thank you has been what I wanted to say. But I want to say thank you for so many other things too!!

I know he’s ended it, all too well. I guess I’m trying to 2nd guess his thoughts, and I can’t 😞

So just to update. I sent him the message and his response was. Please accept the money. He didn’t want to review it and wanted to carry on giving it to me. He just wanted to sort himself out!! Just wondered what your thoughts were with this. Do I just say no and tell him to remove any responsibility again. Or say nothing and let him sort himself out, whatever that really means?