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Thread: 8 years together and 2 kids. How to move on?

  1. #1
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    8 years together and 2 kids. How to move on?

    I've been reading a lot here and now want to share my story and maybe get some advice.

    I just turned 29 and my husband is soon turning 31. We have 2 kids together. We met when I was 20 and he was 22. We had a lot of ups and downs, but never seemed to have big fights and were always to work things out really well and really fast. Our last year of marriage though been a nightmare for me. On our 7th anniversary he got me an engagement ring and a wedding band (I never had one because we did not have the money & I never made a big deal out of it... it has to come from a heart right?) When he got me one it was a big surprise, because it's been 7 years since we got married. Few months later I found out that I was pregnant with our second child and told him that because of our financial situation we should think about it because last time it was very hard (no family around to help us... so just me and my husband) and situation like that drove us apart. He got really excited this time, said that we will figure it out as always, and same day called everyone in the family, and told our first son, that we are having another baby. When I was 4 months pregnant my husband turned 30, we found out we were having another boy, he found another job and started to make good money (more then we ever did), he got a call from a long time friend that he was going through a divorce and needed a place to stay, so we let him stay with us until he finds his own place. My husband started to go out with his friend to bars more and more. By the time I was 6 months pregnant he started to disappear for 24 hours at the time (never happened before) and I lost it. I packed a bag took our son and went to stay with his brother and his girlfriend for 2 days. When I came back I told him that I'm taking our son and moving back to the city where we met... he cried and begged me to stay and that he loves our family and wants to be with his kids. So I stayed. His friend magically disappeared that day without even saying bye to my husband.

    I started to get suspicious and started going through his phone and found out that he was cheating on me with a girl he met at his job. It broke my heart. This was the first time in many years that I actually had a proof that he was cheating. I had so much trust for him and so much faith that he was a good person. In the messages that I saw from him to his friends he said that mentally he is already gone. When I approached him about this he told me that his feelings to me died and that we have nothing in common and that this new girl is just like him and that they have so much more in common and that their intimate relationships are so much better (never would've thought that we had problems with that, but I guess we did). Sooo he told me "I guess I got bored with you." To the question why would he want to have another baby first he weirdly mumbled "maybe to save our marriage" (never would've thought a man would decide to have a baby to save a marriage... sorry it just seems like a thing a woman would try to do) and in another conversation he just said "because we f***".

    When my second son was born he showed up to the hospital with a black eye. This is when I told him that I am taking the kids and moving out. He asked if I can wait until after the holidays. I couldn't really say no because I literally had a newborn baby in my hands when we had that conversation. When I came home from the hospital I noticed that there's been a party in our place, but he cleaned up after (still some things were left behind, so I was able to notice that he had a party there) and my ring that he got me for our 7th anniversary was gone. When I asked what happened to it he just said that he cleanee up the place "for me and the baby to come to a clean home" and probably put it somewhere and did not make a big deal out of it. Soo ether he took it and put it away somewhere or he gave it to his new girl. I've been a mess for a good half a year now. I lost weight during pregnancy, my son was born a month early (thankfully healthy), I lost the rest of the pregnancy weight within 3 weeks after delivery, had anxiety attacks (now they are finally gone),
    I've been crying probably every day this whole time.

    Right now I my baby is almost 4 month old and I'm looking for a new place for me and the kids, but I don't have a job (just a couple of things that I do from home that don't give me enough income to move out and live on my own with two children), I don't have any family around to help me with kids so I can get a job. And I feel stuck in this siruation...

    Since he met this new girl it's literally like someone replaced him with a completely different person. He has been drinking like crazy, got DUI (he thinks I dont know about that), his new gf is doing drugs (he does not know that I know about this either), I am not sure if he started doing them with her, and he spents stupid money on her...

    I worked SO HARD on building a family and had so much plans and now I feel like two of them took ALL of that from me. He threw away 8 years just like that... no regret... nothing... moved on just like that. I literally don't have anything to look forward to (I know it sounds stupid), but I had a goal to build a good family for my kids with mom and dad together and now I feel like he took that from me and my older son... my baby won't even have a chance to know what living with mom and dad IS.

    I am sleeping in my kids room. Slowly I started to limit our communication. First he would still come to me before work give me a hug and a kiss on the way out (now he stopped). He is still texting me almost every day asking mostly about kids, but sometimes tries to start a conversation about sports or music that we both like... I just give him short answers that do not require any response. In the very end of October he texted me if maybe we should try to spend some time together and work on fixing things (notice he is still seeing that girl), but when I asked him about those messages in person he said "maybe I was just saying what you wanted to hear"... wait what???

    So on Christmas when kids fell asleep we were wrapping presents and had few drinks together... bad idea, I got pretty drunk really fast as I did not drink in a long time due to pregnancy and nursing the baby... and he got me to sleep in our bedroom and we hooked up (first time in like half a year now). I don't get why he did that??? He said before that he is so happy with this girl and sex with her is so much better. So why???

    Now I pretty much try to avoid any contact with him. If he's home I ether stay in kids room or go for a walk with a baby or take both kids to a park. I don't know how to get over this or how to move on. I read a lot about NC, but having 2 kids together and still living in the same place that is just not something I can do. I feel like he was such a big part of me and now that part is gone. Don't get how after everything that we've been through he just said that he got bored! That's IT... that's all the explanation that I got... I just want to move on somehow and everything I do don't seem to be helping.

    My whole story is really long... it's been 8 years. Mostly happy times with some ups and downs. But this last year was just really not something I was ever expecting... started with him getting me a ring and me getting pregnant and ended with me pretty much looking to move out.

    If anyone has any advice I will really appreciate it!!!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You are legally married. That means everything is 50/50 as far as assets, accounts, income, etc. That means you need to see an attorney asap and discuss your options with regard to fiances, child care, child support, custody/visitation, alimony, division of assets, etc. You need to get all your bank records, titles on cars, houses, accounts etc.

    You also need to see a doctor asap since you've had sex knowing he is cheating/womanizing. At that time tell the doctor everything and get a referral to a therapist for emotional support and help navigating this.

    Staying in a house where you are treated like a maid, nanny, etc and accept that he is out drinking, womanizing etc is nonsense. In fact you are facilitating it with your acceptance of his cheating, drinking, and shabby treatment. If he had to pay child support and alimony, liquidate all your assets and property and give you half, he wouldn't have money for womanizing and booze. Stop your inertia and misery and get on the phone to a lawyer and therapist.
    Originally Posted by Tovin
    -Our last year of marriage though been a nightmare for me.
    - he was cheating on me with a girl he met at his job.-
    -he told me that his feelings to me died and that we have nothing in common
    - that this new girl is just like him and that they have so much more in common and that their intimate relationships are so much better
    -he told me "I guess I got bored with you."
    -his new girl.
    -my baby is almost 4 month old and I'm looking for a new place for me and the kids, but I don't have a job
    -He has been drinking like crazy, got DUI

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    Thank you for your advise.

    I have been going to therapy for about a month and a half after the baby was born, but it didn't really do much for me... maybe I will look for a different therapist and try again.

    I will start looking for an attorney this week too. Some stuff I've been collecting already (like bank records and car titles etc.)

    I do have an appointment to see my dr this week. I know it was a very bad decision to have sex with him again for many reasons.

    I did find a place for me and kids to move out to, but because I have no job so they need some stuff from my husband and he has been dragging this for a month now. My family lives in a different country and his 3000 miles away so moving out to them temporarily is not an option ether. But I am working on getting my own place within next 2 weeks.

    I am not going to fight or argue with him over his drinking or DUI or anything like that. By the way up until his 30's birthday he barely drank... 2 beers and he was pretty drunk. Now Jameson goes down like a water. It is not my problem anymore though. It is his life and he can do whatever he wants with it.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Excellent. Don't let him take you and the kids down with his decent into alcoholism and debauchery. Get out and sever everything and get the finances you need for yourself/children out of the divorce. Find the most ferocious attorney you can and go for the jugular in this case, including full custody with only supervised visits given his drinking, legal problems, poor judgement, irresponsible behavior etc.
    Originally Posted by Tovin
    I will start looking for an attorney this week too. Some stuff I've been collecting already (like bank records and car titles etc.)I do have an appointment to see my dr this week. I am working on getting my own place within next 2 weeks.

    Now Jameson goes down like a water.

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    Seriously to me it sounds like your ex-husband is having a very bad case of mid-life crisis! But I guess because he got into a very serious relationship at only twenty two years old, he's having a mid life crisis at only thirty. I'm sorry but hia behaviour is absolutely atrocious and you deserve SO much better. Even if your husband has lost feelings for you, he doesn't have to treat you with so much disrespect and he has seriously gone off the rails! He has two small children and one is still a tiny baby and there he is drinking, drink driving and doing drugs. All things he has never done before so why would he start now when he has a very small baby! And he was the one that wanted to have the baby, so now he has to take full responsibility for what he wanted!

    The fact that he had a party at your house while you were in the hospital having a baby, in my opinion is disgusting! I know you were kind of broken up but you were giving birth for God's sake, who does that!! And then he had sex with you while he's seeing that other woman too. I think you're definitely right to get STD checks because that other girl does not sound good at all, especially the drug taking.

    I think even if your ex-husband ever comes back to you, don't ever take him back. I think he sounds like a really selfish person who didn't care about you or the kids at all. I think he's just decided that he wanted to re-live his youth but that's not how it works when you're the father of two small children! I think divorce him and good riddance to bad rubbish.

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    I strongly suspect your husband is abusing other substances in addition to alcohol, OP. There are a lot of serious red flags here to indicate that there's more than meets the eye right now.

    Talk to a lawyer to find out your options. Get yourself and your children out of that house as soon as you can.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Make sure you stay put in the marital home with the children and get him to move out. An attorney can and will arrange that legally. Never panic and run away. Never leave a house you co-own. Ever. Particularly for him to drink and entertain his mistresses in.

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    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Please follow Wiseman's advice. I don't know where you love but if you're in a western country the law is on your side. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

    Also get ready to when you go about things with the attorney that he'll try to manipulate you and try to give you the less financially he can. But you need to be firm and get the most you can. As I said the law is on your side on this and he owes you child support, alimony and all that.

  10. #9
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Make sure you stay put in the marital home with the children and get him to move out. An attorney can and will arrange that legally. Never panic and run away. Never leave a house you co-own. Ever. Particularly for him to drink and entertain his mistresses in.
    ^^^
    Agree 100%

  11. #10
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    Have your lawyer file temporary custody of your home and the children. With a DUI under his belt and proof of cheating, you will have ZERO problems getting them.

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