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Thread: 8 years together and 2 kids. How to move on?

  1. #11
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    We do not own a home... we were gonna get one a year and a half ago, but decided to wait a lil while because we were waiting to see where our older son likes it better (we moved from one area to another and our son had hard time getting used to it and we also liked our previous town better).

    I will be taking both of the children with me (we already agreed on that). He wants to be able to spend time with them, but so far he's been showing very little interest in taking my older son out or spending time with him whatsoever.

    This is probably one of the worst parts of this whole thing. When I got pregnant first time we were married for 2 years but we were still very young (23 and 24) he did not want to have kids then. I said that I will keep the baby and if he wanted to leave he could leave and I would never contact him again. He said that he loved me and would never leave me or his kid. When our son was born he spent sooo much time with him. He became his main priority... he would have fights with my mom when she was visiting because "she holds him way too much and I don't get a chance to spend time with my son"...ridiculous right? And its been like that for 5 years. My older son is so attached to his dad that now he is crying almost every day that dad does not want to spend time with him. My excuses that he works a lot or that he is tired and needs some sleep don't work anymore. Now the baby that he was so excited for is here and he does not even want to hold him. If I was to count hours that he spent with this baby in 4 months I think I still have enough fingers on my hands.

  2. #12
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    I know that divorce brings out the worst in people. And within last few months I have seen how nasty my husband can get, so I am embracing myself for the worst. I did put away all of our childrens pictures and stuff like that, as I've heard from him once that one of his friends got drunk and mad during divorce and burned all of his childrens pictures just to get back at his wife... don't think he would do that, but you never know.

    Some of my jewelry is in the safe and I don't remember the combination. When I asked him for it he said that he forgot it also... Sooo i don't really know how to get that

  3. #13
    Gold Member maew's Avatar
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    Ugh what a mess OP I am so sorry this is happening to you right now :( I think the advice to get attorneys involved is the best first step you can take to make sure you and your kids are taken care of. Unfortunately as to the rest... divorce, especially with kids, but even without them, is just messy and an all around $hitty process... however it's better to be free from this guy and his gross behavior than to stay and put up with it.

    At the end of the day, so of us have been through it before and come out the other side... you will get through this too.

  4. #14
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    This is exactly how I feel... that this is such a mess. When I see other people's relationships you can see that they are fighting, financial issues that they can not overcome, no similar interests, intimacy problems etc. When I look at our 8 years we barely fought, we like same music, sports, the way we spend free time, we are both not materialistic people, we both like to travel, we had businesses together that we started and sold (and we both were so excuted to work together on them... just the last one did not work out). Never had problems with intimacy (up until I found out he was cheating).

    I just dont get how you go from excited to have a baby to I got bored with you in such a short period of time. No one saw this coming... even his family is still in shock asking me what happened. And I just don't know.

    It all just seems crazy to me. I know I will be ok eventually, but it hurts to lose a persone that you really loved just like that.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You seem obsessed that he is not and never was an enthusiastic father. He should not even be allowed to be alone with your kids if he's drinking. However you are missing the entire point that he cheats, drinks, stays out all night etc. and does not love you or respect you nor care about you or your kids. You also seem obsessed with how "wonderful" things were because you like some of the same things.

    So what is it you want? To stay together liking the same sports while he's out drinking and womanizing? He will be the same lame father whether you divorce or not. His priorities are booze, women, partying. Not you, not his kids. The only difference will be that he will have to pay child support and you will have to get a supervised visitation arrangement because of his drinking, DUIs, irresponsible behavior and womanizing. Why can't you stay in the apartment with the kids and he moves out?

  7. #16
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    Tovin Iím sorry for this pain and life curve you have been thrown . What a horrible situation.

    I would suggest you go to seek help ( alone ) with a trusted counselor. Not because I think youíre wrong or crazy , but because I think you need to speak to an actual professional who can help you heal and move on the right way .

    Itís absolutely normal to be hurt . Itís normal to over think it . NORMAL. Be careful of the advice you take on this site because though Iím sure itís well intended, some give advice on things they have never been through and most are NOT trained peofsssionals .

    Your situation is serious and I being just a normal person with no professional training am suggesting you take this to someone who has real experience with broken families and healing .


    My heart goes out to you .
    Last edited by Starrdeal1; 01-04-2019 at 09:58 AM. Reason: More advice

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    You seem obsessed that he is not and never was an enthusiastic father. However you are missing the entire point that he cheats, drinks, stays out all night etc. and does not love you or respect you nor care about you or your kids. You also seem obsessed with how "wonderful" things were because you like some of the same things.
    Things used to be really good between us for a long time. He was not running around partying, drinking and cheating for whole 8 years. Why he changed - I don't know. But you are right... he does not love me or our kids the way a good father should. In his family there were no good role models for that. Both grandfathers left their families and his father left them for a while also. Maybe I am "obsessed" with the idea that things were good and why he can so easily leave his children, but that is probably because of how high I put FAMILY on MY priority list.

    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    He should not even be allowed to be alone with your kids.
    I don't leave him alone with the kids. Maybe once or twice when I had longer dr appoimtments and was not able to bring them with me.

    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    So what is it you want? To stay together liking the same sports while he's out drinking and womanizing? He will be the same lame father whether you divorce or not. His priorities are booze, women, partying. Not you, not his kids. The only difference will be that he will have to pay child support and you will have to get a supervised visitation arrangement because of his drinking, DUIs, irresponsible behavior and womanizing. Why can't you stay in the apartment with the kids and he moves out?
    I don't think I want to stay together. Maybe my ego wants him to realize that he made a mistake? I don't know... maybe it's not a mistake for him. Some people just not meant to have a family. And yes his priorities right now ARE booze, drugs, women and partying... as stupid as it sounds those ARE his priorities at the age of 30. I don't want to stay in this place because everything will remind me of him and I know that he brought that girl here while I took our kids on a trip for a few days to get away... I just want to start fresh. Just my preference.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Starrdeal1
    Tovin Iím sorry for this pain and life curve you have been thrown . What a horrible situation.

    I would suggest you go to seek help ( alone ) with a trusted counselor. Not because I think youíre wrong or crazy , but because I think you need to speak to an actual professional who can help you heal and move on the right way .

    Itís absolutely normal to be hurt . Itís normal to over think it . NORMAL. Be careful of the advice you take on this site because though Iím sure itís well intended, some give advice on things they have never been through and most are NOT trained peofsssionals .

    Your situation is serious and I being just a normal person with no professional training am suggesting you take this to someone who has real experience with broken families and healing .


    My heart goes out to you .
    Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it! I did go to therapy after the baby was born. But the person I was seeing was not helping me, so I stopped. I did start looking for a new therapist this week and I will be more careful choosing one.

  10. #19
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    Does anyone have an advice on how to limit the contact when you have kids together? I do not initiate the contact (calls or messages) for 4 months now. But my husband calls me or textes me every day. Sometimes it's just about kids, but sometimes he tries to call me and talk to me about his day, work, gym, diet, concerts...

    While I'm working on moving out I am trying to limit the time that I see him in person, so I'll take the baby and go for a walk or to run some errands. He works at night and sleeps almost till noon, so I usually try to leave before he wakes up so I don't have to see him almost till he goes back to work, but he calls me every day asking where did I go or what am I doing. If I ignore his calls he calls back again or textes me asking those questions.

    Why he can't just leave me alone? I told him already that we are not going to be friends after this.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to see an attorney and set up court ordered child support and a supervised visitation/custody arrangement. Also communicate through your attorney and get the divorce papers to him. Refusing to file for divorce but asking why he still contacts you makes no sense. He is an abusive alcoholic and you need to stop engaging him and get the kids away from him..
    Originally Posted by Tovin
    Does anyone have an advice on how to limit the contact when you have kids together? But my husband calls me or textes me every day. Why he can't just leave me alone?

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