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8 years together and 2 kids. How to move on?


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I've been reading a lot here and now want to share my story and maybe get some advice.

 

I just turned 29 and my husband is soon turning 31. We have 2 kids together. We met when I was 20 and he was 22. We had a lot of ups and downs, but never seemed to have big fights and were always to work things out really well and really fast. Our last year of marriage though been a nightmare for me. On our 7th anniversary he got me an engagement ring and a wedding band (I never had one because we did not have the money & I never made a big deal out of it... it has to come from a heart right?) When he got me one it was a big surprise, because it's been 7 years since we got married. Few months later I found out that I was pregnant with our second child and told him that because of our financial situation we should think about it because last time it was very hard (no family around to help us... so just me and my husband) and situation like that drove us apart. He got really excited this time, said that we will figure it out as always, and same day called everyone in the family, and told our first son, that we are having another baby. When I was 4 months pregnant my husband turned 30, we found out we were having another boy, he found another job and started to make good money (more then we ever did), he got a call from a long time friend that he was going through a divorce and needed a place to stay, so we let him stay with us until he finds his own place. My husband started to go out with his friend to bars more and more. By the time I was 6 months pregnant he started to disappear for 24 hours at the time (never happened before) and I lost it. I packed a bag took our son and went to stay with his brother and his girlfriend for 2 days. When I came back I told him that I'm taking our son and moving back to the city where we met... he cried and begged me to stay and that he loves our family and wants to be with his kids. So I stayed. His friend magically disappeared that day without even saying bye to my husband.

 

I started to get suspicious and started going through his phone and found out that he was cheating on me with a girl he met at his job. It broke my heart. This was the first time in many years that I actually had a proof that he was cheating. I had so much trust for him and so much faith that he was a good person. In the messages that I saw from him to his friends he said that mentally he is already gone. When I approached him about this he told me that his feelings to me died and that we have nothing in common and that this new girl is just like him and that they have so much more in common and that their intimate relationships are so much better (never would've thought that we had problems with that, but I guess we did). Sooo he told me "I guess I got bored with you." To the question why would he want to have another baby first he weirdly mumbled "maybe to save our marriage" (never would've thought a man would decide to have a baby to save a marriage... sorry it just seems like a thing a woman would try to do) and in another conversation he just said "because we f***".

 

When my second son was born he showed up to the hospital with a black eye. This is when I told him that I am taking the kids and moving out. He asked if I can wait until after the holidays. I couldn't really say no because I literally had a newborn baby in my hands when we had that conversation. When I came home from the hospital I noticed that there's been a party in our place, but he cleaned up after (still some things were left behind, so I was able to notice that he had a party there) and my ring that he got me for our 7th anniversary was gone. When I asked what happened to it he just said that he cleanee up the place "for me and the baby to come to a clean home" and probably put it somewhere and did not make a big deal out of it. Soo ether he took it and put it away somewhere or he gave it to his new girl. I've been a mess for a good half a year now. I lost weight during pregnancy, my son was born a month early (thankfully healthy), I lost the rest of the pregnancy weight within 3 weeks after delivery, had anxiety attacks (now they are finally gone),

I've been crying probably every day this whole time.

 

Right now I my baby is almost 4 month old and I'm looking for a new place for me and the kids, but I don't have a job (just a couple of things that I do from home that don't give me enough income to move out and live on my own with two children), I don't have any family around to help me with kids so I can get a job. And I feel stuck in this siruation...

 

Since he met this new girl it's literally like someone replaced him with a completely different person. He has been drinking like crazy, got DUI (he thinks I dont know about that), his new gf is doing drugs (he does not know that I know about this either), I am not sure if he started doing them with her, and he spents stupid money on her...

 

I worked SO HARD on building a family and had so much plans and now I feel like two of them took ALL of that from me. He threw away 8 years just like that... no regret... nothing... moved on just like that. I literally don't have anything to look forward to (I know it sounds stupid), but I had a goal to build a good family for my kids with mom and dad together and now I feel like he took that from me and my older son... my baby won't even have a chance to know what living with mom and dad IS.

 

I am sleeping in my kids room. Slowly I started to limit our communication. First he would still come to me before work give me a hug and a kiss on the way out (now he stopped). He is still texting me almost every day asking mostly about kids, but sometimes tries to start a conversation about sports or music that we both like... I just give him short answers that do not require any response. In the very end of October he texted me if maybe we should try to spend some time together and work on fixing things (notice he is still seeing that girl), but when I asked him about those messages in person he said "maybe I was just saying what you wanted to hear"... wait what???

 

So on Christmas when kids fell asleep we were wrapping presents and had few drinks together... bad idea, I got pretty drunk really fast as I did not drink in a long time due to pregnancy and nursing the baby... and he got me to sleep in our bedroom and we hooked up (first time in like half a year now). I don't get why he did that??? He said before that he is so happy with this girl and sex with her is so much better. So why???

 

Now I pretty much try to avoid any contact with him. If he's home I ether stay in kids room or go for a walk with a baby or take both kids to a park. I don't know how to get over this or how to move on. I read a lot about NC, but having 2 kids together and still living in the same place that is just not something I can do. I feel like he was such a big part of me and now that part is gone. Don't get how after everything that we've been through he just said that he got bored! That's IT... that's all the explanation that I got... I just want to move on somehow and everything I do don't seem to be helping.

 

My whole story is really long... it's been 8 years. Mostly happy times with some ups and downs. But this last year was just really not something I was ever expecting... started with him getting me a ring and me getting pregnant and ended with me pretty much looking to move out.

 

If anyone has any advice I will really appreciate it!!!

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You are legally married. That means everything is 50/50 as far as assets, accounts, income, etc. That means you need to see an attorney asap and discuss your options with regard to fiances, child care, child support, custody/visitation, alimony, division of assets, etc. You need to get all your bank records, titles on cars, houses, accounts etc.

 

You also need to see a doctor asap since you've had sex knowing he is cheating/womanizing. At that time tell the doctor everything and get a referral to a therapist for emotional support and help navigating this.

 

Staying in a house where you are treated like a maid, nanny, etc and accept that he is out drinking, womanizing etc is nonsense. In fact you are facilitating it with your acceptance of his cheating, drinking, and shabby treatment. If he had to pay child support and alimony, liquidate all your assets and property and give you half, he wouldn't have money for womanizing and booze. Stop your inertia and misery and get on the phone to a lawyer and therapist.

-Our last year of marriage though been a nightmare for me.

- he was cheating on me with a girl he met at his job.-

-he told me that his feelings to me died and that we have nothing in common

- that this new girl is just like him and that they have so much more in common and that their intimate relationships are so much better

-he told me "I guess I got bored with you."

-his new girl.

-my baby is almost 4 month old and I'm looking for a new place for me and the kids, but I don't have a job

-He has been drinking like crazy, got DUI

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Thank you for your advise.

 

I have been going to therapy for about a month and a half after the baby was born, but it didn't really do much for me... maybe I will look for a different therapist and try again.

 

I will start looking for an attorney this week too. Some stuff I've been collecting already (like bank records and car titles etc.)

 

I do have an appointment to see my dr this week. I know it was a very bad decision to have sex with him again for many reasons.

 

I did find a place for me and kids to move out to, but because I have no job so they need some stuff from my husband and he has been dragging this for a month now. My family lives in a different country and his 3000 miles away so moving out to them temporarily is not an option ether. But I am working on getting my own place within next 2 weeks.

 

I am not going to fight or argue with him over his drinking or DUI or anything like that. By the way up until his 30's birthday he barely drank... 2 beers and he was pretty drunk. Now Jameson goes down like a water. It is not my problem anymore though. It is his life and he can do whatever he wants with it.

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Excellent. Don't let him take you and the kids down with his decent into alcoholism and debauchery. Get out and sever everything and get the finances you need for yourself/children out of the divorce. Find the most ferocious attorney you can and go for the jugular in this case, including full custody with only supervised visits given his drinking, legal problems, poor judgement, irresponsible behavior etc.

I will start looking for an attorney this week too. Some stuff I've been collecting already (like bank records and car titles etc.)I do have an appointment to see my dr this week. I am working on getting my own place within next 2 weeks.

 

Now Jameson goes down like a water.

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Seriously to me it sounds like your ex-husband is having a very bad case of mid-life crisis! But I guess because he got into a very serious relationship at only twenty two years old, he's having a mid life crisis at only thirty. I'm sorry but hia behaviour is absolutely atrocious and you deserve SO much better. Even if your husband has lost feelings for you, he doesn't have to treat you with so much disrespect and he has seriously gone off the rails! He has two small children and one is still a tiny baby and there he is drinking, drink driving and doing drugs. All things he has never done before so why would he start now when he has a very small baby! And he was the one that wanted to have the baby, so now he has to take full responsibility for what he wanted!

 

The fact that he had a party at your house while you were in the hospital having a baby, in my opinion is disgusting! I know you were kind of broken up but you were giving birth for God's sake, who does that!! And then he had sex with you while he's seeing that other woman too. I think you're definitely right to get STD checks because that other girl does not sound good at all, especially the drug taking.

 

I think even if your ex-husband ever comes back to you, don't ever take him back. I think he sounds like a really selfish person who didn't care about you or the kids at all. I think he's just decided that he wanted to re-live his youth but that's not how it works when you're the father of two small children! I think divorce him and good riddance to bad rubbish.

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I strongly suspect your husband is abusing other substances in addition to alcohol, OP. There are a lot of serious red flags here to indicate that there's more than meets the eye right now.

 

Talk to a lawyer to find out your options. Get yourself and your children out of that house as soon as you can.

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Please follow Wiseman's advice. I don't know where you love but if you're in a western country the law is on your side. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

Also get ready to when you go about things with the attorney that he'll try to manipulate you and try to give you the less financially he can. But you need to be firm and get the most you can. As I said the law is on your side on this and he owes you child support, alimony and all that.

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We do not own a home... we were gonna get one a year and a half ago, but decided to wait a lil while because we were waiting to see where our older son likes it better (we moved from one area to another and our son had hard time getting used to it and we also liked our previous town better).

 

I will be taking both of the children with me (we already agreed on that). He wants to be able to spend time with them, but so far he's been showing very little interest in taking my older son out or spending time with him whatsoever.

 

This is probably one of the worst parts of this whole thing. When I got pregnant first time we were married for 2 years but we were still very young (23 and 24) he did not want to have kids then. I said that I will keep the baby and if he wanted to leave he could leave and I would never contact him again. He said that he loved me and would never leave me or his kid. When our son was born he spent sooo much time with him. He became his main priority... he would have fights with my mom when she was visiting because "she holds him way too much and I don't get a chance to spend time with my son"...ridiculous right? And its been like that for 5 years. My older son is so attached to his dad that now he is crying almost every day that dad does not want to spend time with him. My excuses that he works a lot or that he is tired and needs some sleep don't work anymore. Now the baby that he was so excited for is here and he does not even want to hold him. If I was to count hours that he spent with this baby in 4 months I think I still have enough fingers on my hands.

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I know that divorce brings out the worst in people. And within last few months I have seen how nasty my husband can get, so I am embracing myself for the worst. I did put away all of our childrens pictures and stuff like that, as I've heard from him once that one of his friends got drunk and mad during divorce and burned all of his childrens pictures just to get back at his wife... don't think he would do that, but you never know.

 

Some of my jewelry is in the safe and I don't remember the combination. When I asked him for it he said that he forgot it also... Sooo i don't really know how to get that

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Ugh what a mess OP I am so sorry this is happening to you right now :( I think the advice to get attorneys involved is the best first step you can take to make sure you and your kids are taken care of. Unfortunately as to the rest... divorce, especially with kids, but even without them, is just messy and an all around $hitty process... however it's better to be free from this guy and his gross behavior than to stay and put up with it.

 

At the end of the day, so of us have been through it before and come out the other side... you will get through this too.

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This is exactly how I feel... that this is such a mess. When I see other people's relationships you can see that they are fighting, financial issues that they can not overcome, no similar interests, intimacy problems etc. When I look at our 8 years we barely fought, we like same music, sports, the way we spend free time, we are both not materialistic people, we both like to travel, we had businesses together that we started and sold (and we both were so excuted to work together on them... just the last one did not work out). Never had problems with intimacy (up until I found out he was cheating).

 

I just dont get how you go from excited to have a baby to I got bored with you in such a short period of time. No one saw this coming... even his family is still in shock asking me what happened. And I just don't know.

 

It all just seems crazy to me. I know I will be ok eventually, but it hurts to lose a persone that you really loved just like that.

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You seem obsessed that he is not and never was an enthusiastic father. He should not even be allowed to be alone with your kids if he's drinking. However you are missing the entire point that he cheats, drinks, stays out all night etc. and does not love you or respect you nor care about you or your kids. You also seem obsessed with how "wonderful" things were because you like some of the same things.

 

So what is it you want? To stay together liking the same sports while he's out drinking and womanizing? He will be the same lame father whether you divorce or not. His priorities are booze, women, partying. Not you, not his kids. The only difference will be that he will have to pay child support and you will have to get a supervised visitation arrangement because of his drinking, DUIs, irresponsible behavior and womanizing. Why can't you stay in the apartment with the kids and he moves out?

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Tovin I’m sorry for this pain and life curve you have been thrown . What a horrible situation.

 

I would suggest you go to seek help ( alone ) with a trusted counselor. Not because I think you’re wrong or crazy , but because I think you need to speak to an actual professional who can help you heal and move on the right way .

 

It’s absolutely normal to be hurt . It’s normal to over think it . NORMAL. Be careful of the advice you take on this site because though I’m sure it’s well intended, some give advice on things they have never been through and most are NOT trained peofsssionals .

 

Your situation is serious and I being just a normal person with no professional training am suggesting you take this to someone who has real experience with broken families and healing .

 

 

My heart goes out to you .

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You seem obsessed that he is not and never was an enthusiastic father. However you are missing the entire point that he cheats, drinks, stays out all night etc. and does not love you or respect you nor care about you or your kids. You also seem obsessed with how "wonderful" things were because you like some of the same things.

Things used to be really good between us for a long time. He was not running around partying, drinking and cheating for whole 8 years. Why he changed - I don't know. But you are right... he does not love me or our kids the way a good father should. In his family there were no good role models for that. Both grandfathers left their families and his father left them for a while also. Maybe I am "obsessed" with the idea that things were good and why he can so easily leave his children, but that is probably because of how high I put FAMILY on MY priority list.

 

He should not even be allowed to be alone with your kids.

I don't leave him alone with the kids. Maybe once or twice when I had longer dr appoimtments and was not able to bring them with me.

 

So what is it you want? To stay together liking the same sports while he's out drinking and womanizing? He will be the same lame father whether you divorce or not. His priorities are booze, women, partying. Not you, not his kids. The only difference will be that he will have to pay child support and you will have to get a supervised visitation arrangement because of his drinking, DUIs, irresponsible behavior and womanizing. Why can't you stay in the apartment with the kids and he moves out?

I don't think I want to stay together. Maybe my ego wants him to realize that he made a mistake? I don't know... maybe it's not a mistake for him. Some people just not meant to have a family. And yes his priorities right now ARE booze, drugs, women and partying... as stupid as it sounds those ARE his priorities at the age of 30. I don't want to stay in this place because everything will remind me of him and I know that he brought that girl here while I took our kids on a trip for a few days to get away... I just want to start fresh. Just my preference.

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Tovin I’m sorry for this pain and life curve you have been thrown . What a horrible situation.

 

I would suggest you go to seek help ( alone ) with a trusted counselor. Not because I think you’re wrong or crazy , but because I think you need to speak to an actual professional who can help you heal and move on the right way .

 

It’s absolutely normal to be hurt . It’s normal to over think it . NORMAL. Be careful of the advice you take on this site because though I’m sure it’s well intended, some give advice on things they have never been through and most are NOT trained peofsssionals .

 

Your situation is serious and I being just a normal person with no professional training am suggesting you take this to someone who has real experience with broken families and healing .

 

 

My heart goes out to you .

 

Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it! I did go to therapy after the baby was born. But the person I was seeing was not helping me, so I stopped. I did start looking for a new therapist this week and I will be more careful choosing one.

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Does anyone have an advice on how to limit the contact when you have kids together? I do not initiate the contact (calls or messages) for 4 months now. But my husband calls me or textes me every day. Sometimes it's just about kids, but sometimes he tries to call me and talk to me about his day, work, gym, diet, concerts...

 

While I'm working on moving out I am trying to limit the time that I see him in person, so I'll take the baby and go for a walk or to run some errands. He works at night and sleeps almost till noon, so I usually try to leave before he wakes up so I don't have to see him almost till he goes back to work, but he calls me every day asking where did I go or what am I doing. If I ignore his calls he calls back again or textes me asking those questions.

 

Why he can't just leave me alone? I told him already that we are not going to be friends after this.

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You need to see an attorney and set up court ordered child support and a supervised visitation/custody arrangement. Also communicate through your attorney and get the divorce papers to him. Refusing to file for divorce but asking why he still contacts you makes no sense. He is an abusive alcoholic and you need to stop engaging him and get the kids away from him..

Does anyone have an advice on how to limit the contact when you have kids together? But my husband calls me or textes me every day. Why he can't just leave me alone?
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Hi Tovin* ~ I'm so sorry for your ordeal. You will gain a lot of strength and knowledge from this though*

 

You're getting a lot of good advice but I just wanted to say: Re: the safe. A good locksmith will probably be able to get that open for you....

 

Sending You Strength

 

Carus*

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  • 3 weeks later...

Update.

 

Started seeing another therapist on my own. Spoke to the lawyer about my options and stuff like that. Found a place that is pretty much perfect for me to move and it's gonna be available within 30 days (people who live there are moving out their stuff and landlord needs a couple of days to fox things up after).

 

On the other hand about 2 weeks ago my husband started to act different. Stated to play with the baby, took our older son to the park to play baseball, stayed home to watch a movie with me. Then his mom called asking how are things going with us, then weordly asked if the other girl is in the picture still. Few days later his dad sent me a message asking pretty much same thing, so I started to feel weird about all of this and asked mu husband what is going on, because I feel like something is wrong.

 

Soooo he said that for the last couple of weeks he's been looking back at what he's been doing and that he's been going crazy, drinking, acting like an a***hole. He is done with that other girl. I did see messages from him to her saying that he will try to work on things with me, and similar messages to one of his best friends. He is saying that even though his feelings to me are pretty much gone he would want to try to go out and spend some rime together, go to counceling and try to get back the feelings that he had before, because he remembers being happy with me.

 

Something that IS kind of bothering me is that somewhere during these xonversations I tols him that I feel like he is not attracted to me, amd he said that its not like that, but also asked if I lost a lot of weight lately (I did lose some, but I never thought that can be a problem... I'm 5'2" and 117 lbs. When we got married I had maybe like extra 5-6 lbs).

 

I told him that I only wanna be with someone who wants to be with me because they love me not because its a right thing to do. I am willing to try to fix things but if I'm not what he wants then I don't understand what he wants me to do to fix things. And he said that he wants the same thing and feels the same way. He does not want to live or be with someone if it's fake or nothing like that, if that was what he wanted he would just be alone but he would rather be with someone and have a real relationship that is solid and won't be broken over dumb stuff like this just because we stopped communication and having fun together.

 

We've been talking for 3-4 days now. I see that something changed, but now I am just really confused about what to do.

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Sounds like he found your thread, and ended things with the other girl, so you would have less envidence on him when it came time to establish alimony, division of assets, child custody. Aholes spots don't change just like that. Him telling you he's not into you is really him trying to play victim. Don't roll over so easily.

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