Jump to content

She needs to think about what she wants


Mike1973

Recommended Posts

Ok. So I posted a while back after we had a fight. Things have been fantastic since. We have made plans for vacations, trips together. I have been introduced to the remaining members of her family and they like me, she was meeting mine this weekend.

So tonight, we were having fun with her grandson, laughing and joking, had a great dinner. Then the fooling around got a little out of hand and the grandson started crying. He got ketchup in his eye. My girlfriend was really annoyed but we cleaned him up and he was fine.

She was off with me and just kept saying you should know better. She wouldn’t kiss or hug me. I went for a walk to give her a little space. When I got back the grandson was in bed. I said goodnight to him and went upstairs to see her.

Long story short she was still mad, she said it wasn’t the incident and that she had had thoughts that we were too different. She had had these thoughts since we had the fight. This was the first time she had mentioned it. Believe me everything was going great. We text, call and laugh all day. She was so happy earlier in the evening that she had received a text from her son (who I met for the first time yesterday) saying that he really liked me. We had a great New Year’s Day with her family.

I asked her if she loved me, she said yes. I asked if she was still attracted to me and missed me, she said yes. She said the friends that had witnessed our fight said I wasn’t right for her. These aren’t her best friends so she said she doesn’t really listen to them.

I asked if she wanted to get over this and she said yes but she needed time to think and reflect on stuff. I said I’d give her some space so left her alone and went to a hotel (im here now). She said I didn’t need to but I said I thought it best as I wanted her to have the space she needs.

She had been drinking. She had 3 or 4 glasses of Prosecco. I was sober.

I’m dumbfounded to how things turned so quickly. Honestly we were having a great time, riding a giant stuffed polar bear down the stairs and fooling around. Then boom.

Any advice or thoughts?

Link to comment

I need to add. She is 8 years older than me. She is 53 and I am 45. She did mention that she thought she should let me be with someone younger that I could have children with. I told her I loved her and wanted her not kids. I don’t think that is her main issue though.

Link to comment

OP, your last fight with her was serious and it was recent. While the last couple weeks might have seemed alright, it is going to take some time to get over the mess that happened here: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=556197

 

This latest episode is clear evidence that the fight a couple weeks ago is anything but forgotten. This turnaround thus didn't come out of nowhere, as you say. She's been struggling with that and what happened with her grandson this time is underlining the doubts she has about you. I am sure you meant him no harm and it was an accident this time, but unfortunately, you were on thin ice anyway.

 

Step back and let her come to you. You did what you could to make it right, but the ball is in her court now.

Link to comment

Sorry to hear this. Is this long distance? Why are you in a hotel?🏡 Although things smoothed over for a while after the drunk dinner party tepee episode, it was over in her mind then (and when she contacted you to get her stuff back) and that decision was confirmed by her friends who witnessed all this at that dinner party. Unfortunately she thinks you are incompatible.

she was still mad, she said it wasn’t the incident and that she had had thoughts that we were too different. She had had these thoughts since we had the fight.

 

She said the friends that had witnessed our fight said I wasn’t right for her.

Link to comment

It’s kind of long distance. I don’t live near her and I work away a lot. That’s why I went to a hotel.

Just to clarify, we haven’t split up. Yet. I need some advice on how to talk with her when we meet up, which will probably be tomorrow night. We have a weekend away in Manchester this weekend so the plan was to drive up from her place on Saturday morning.

Link to comment

It sounds like it's a fairly new relationship, and instead of what should have started as brief dates that would have happened if you were dating locally, you're spending way too long time-periods together since you are apparently staying with her for several days at a time. That's one of the reasons LDRs are more difficult than local dating.

 

The fact that she stated you belong with a younger woman means she's likely done. A woman who is really into you would feel nauseated thinking of you with another woman. With her statement, she's pushing you into leaving her and pursuing someone else. If someone needs space from me like I'm smelly garbage, I make the decision for them. I'd prefer to be with someone who can't imagine their lives without me.

Link to comment

I agree with the others who say the initial fight has always been in the back of her mind. She also admitted to this when she said that she has been questioning your compatibility since the last argument/fight.

 

You haven't been dating that long; only about 5 months, right? You're still in the beginning stages of getting to know each other, so each time anything happens (good or bad), she's forming an impression in her mind as to whether she thinks you two are compatible. Nothing wrong with this; it's just the way it is.

 

It may have seemed as if she had completely forgotten about your fight last month and wanted to focus on moving forward and leaving it in the past, but I don't think many people could forget about something like this entirely (especially in the very early stages of dating). She wouldn't discuss this with you because, honestly, what would be the point?

 

Not sure how old the grandson is, but I have little nieces and nephews who can get a little carried away with their antics after I've told them (or their parents and other aunts and uncles) to calm down because we don't want them to get hurt. They'll still sometimes find a way to sit on each other, attempt to jump on the beds, or somehow hurt themselves. It's impossible to ensure that they won't get a boo-boo 100% of the time.

 

Sounds like this ketchup in the eye incident (although this incident on it's own may seem small) just stirred up some feelings that have been lingering in the background since the last fight and she just needs some time to figure things out.

 

When/if you speak with her tonight, just ask her how she's feeling. Best thing you can do is listen and hear her out.

 

Good luck, Mike!

Link to comment
Since the initial fight things have been great. She has made the plans for us to go on vacation in September, she has arranged a dinner party to introduce me to her best friends.

 

Clearly not or she wouldn't be telling you she wants to break up with you.

 

I have to admit based on your last post and this one, I had the impression you were much younger than 45... I would not expect a 45 year old man to be getting so drunk he acts like an idiot and is falling down breaking things, or getting carried away "fooling around" as you put it to the point that little kids are getting hurt. That would definitely be a turn off for me... it would be like dating a guy in his 20's which totally isn't my thing and probably isn't hers... and would make me think twice about a future with someone.

Link to comment
I asked her if she loved me, she said yes. I asked if she was still attracted to me and missed me, she said yes.

 

I read this thread and took a brief look at the other one about your fight and I will offer 2 basic, easy to follow suggestions that might not save you but can only help, either with her or the next woman you meet someday.

 

1- Stop with the asking if she loves me and if she's attracted to you and missed you. It's clingy, weak, "Beta" male behavior that most women find anywhere from unattractive to revolting. Being open with feelings is one thing. Being very insecure is something else entirely. Besides asking those questions won't necessarily get you honest answers and it puts her in an awkward position especially if she's pissed at you.

 

2- Stop drinking immediately. Switch to club soda and lemon or a fruit juice or a soda. I rarely drink if ever. One of the reasons is all the alcohol abuse I see around me in friends and family. The other is because it's wasted calories. Another is the behavior that goes along with it- such as you getting super drunk and acting like an a$$. Clearly you can't handle it and you've got a problem. It's not doing you any good whatsoever. As a plus, she will see that you acknowledge you've got a problem with drinking and you're making a conscious effort to change.

Link to comment
I agree with the others who say the initial fight has always been in the back of her mind. She also admitted to this when she said that she has been questioning your compatibility since the last argument/fight.

 

You haven't been dating that long; only about 5 months, right? You're still in the beginning stages of getting to know each other, so each time anything happens (good or bad), she's forming an impression in her mind as to whether she thinks you two are compatible. Nothing wrong with this; it's just the way it is.

 

It may have seemed as if she had completely forgotten about your fight last month and wanted to focus on moving forward and leaving it in the past, but I don't think many people could forget about something like this entirely (especially in the very early stages of dating). She wouldn't discuss this with you because, honestly, what would be the point?

 

Not sure how old the grandson is, but I have little nieces and nephews who can get a little carried away with their antics after I've told them (or their parents and other aunts and uncles) to calm down because we don't want them to get hurt. They'll still sometimes find a way to sit on each other, attempt to jump on the beds, or somehow hurt themselves. It's impossible to ensure that they won't get a boo-boo 100% of the time.

 

Sounds like this ketchup in the eye incident (although this incident on it's own may seem small) just stirred up some feelings that have been lingering in the background since the last fight and she just needs some time to figure things out.

 

When/if you speak with her tonight, just ask her how she's feeling. Best thing you can do is listen and hear her out.

 

Good luck, Mike!

 

Thank you.

 

Her grandson is 5. We try to make his time with us as fun as possible. Hence we do stupid things to make him laugh. I think I have been trying to bond with him a little too hard as her last partner had no time for him at all.

Link to comment
I read this thread and took a brief look at the other one about your fight and I will offer 2 basic, easy to follow suggestions that might not save you but can only help, either with her or the next woman you meet someday.

 

1- Stop with the asking if she loves me and if she's attracted to you and missed you. It's clingy, weak, "Beta" male behavior that most women find anywhere from unattractive to revolting. Being open with feelings is one thing. Being very insecure is something else entirely. Besides asking those questions won't necessarily get you honest answers and it puts her in an awkward position especially if she's pissed at you.

 

2- Stop drinking immediately. Switch to club soda and lemon or a fruit juice or a soda. I rarely drink if ever. One of the reasons is all the alcohol abuse I see around me in friends and family. The other is because it's wasted calories. Another is the behavior that goes along with it- such as you getting super drunk and acting like an a$$. Clearly you can't handle it and you've got a problem. It's not doing you any good whatsoever. As a plus, she will see that you acknowledge you've got a problem with drinking and you're making a conscious effort to change.

 

Thanks for the response. I asked if she still loved me during our conversation to see if that was the reason. She was honest in her answer that it wasn’t the reason.

 

So I did acknowledge my drinking issue. I haven’t had a drink since before Christmas. I was stone cold sober last night. I might have a drink in the future, but never to excess and never with her grandson there.

Link to comment
I do wonder why she is having you spend so much time around the grandson when you two haven't been dating very long.

 

How the heck did the child get ketchup in his eye? Were you two having a food fight or something?

 

So her daughter works nights as a nurse and her son in law works long hours. My partner has William at least once a week to Help them out and because she loves spending time with him. She wants me to be part of that time.

 

We were playing a game to see if we could drip ketchup from the top of the stairs into his mouth. He was loving the game and my partner was filming it. William suggested afterwards that he should wear goggles if we do it again.... We try and make his time with us as fun as possible. This was one of the silly games we play.

Link to comment

We have only been dating five months. We didn’t go through the normal “meet for a few dates” scenario like most people. Our second date was at her house and since then I have been staying over 3-4 nights per week when not working away. We have gone pretty much into a full relationship which we have acknowledged but it suits us both and we are happy with that. Maybe we need to go on dates to find out what we missed out on.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...