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Thread: Why does it hurt so much a year later? like it just hit me.

  1. #11
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    You dated him for a long time. This is normal so don't be so hard on yourself.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Yeh, xmas/NY/holidays can really bring things to the surface.....

    But you're doing the right things. Even if we feel pain and have ruminating thoughts we can still just do a few little things every day as our being processes this....

    In fact I was going to comment on your OP. Sounds a bit to me like you didn't process it properly the first time which is why it's now resurfaced....

    As Honeycomb* pointed out, 6 years is a long time and we become pretty fully bonded in that time. Emotionally AND Chemically......

    Sounds like your anger has propped you up over the year, but yes, once the anger subsides you know what comes next... :-/

    It's difficult and it's painful, but you gotta feel it to heal it.....

    Have a good day Hun*

    ((Hugs))

    Carus*

  3. #13

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    So sorry, yes it is hard and esp when you refresh your memories and heart to him thru going to his town and house. Ya gotta let go, move on and get involved in things that keep your mind and heart busy. Go to groups, meetups, classes, there are so many that are free or low fee. Also, put your heart into something else like volunteering in your area of passion. Many churches have singles groups that go out together and have fun too without commitment. Best to you, you are worth growing more and caring for you.

  4. #14
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    Thank you KimmyO, Carus, and Honeycomb! Carus, I think you are right. The anger propped me up for a year and I am finally out of shock and into mourning. All week I have been waking at 3:00am thinking of him. Funny today he emailed for the first time in months making sure I got his next check (part of the non disparagement agreement). I was going to be snarky in my response, but I basically just said “yes, I got it”.

    Tonight I called my brother who I have not spoken to in ages. And KimmyO, I'm looking into art classes once work dies down a bit. Weekends are the worst because I literally have nothing to do, so for now I’m just reaching out to the few relatives I have to chat and catch up.

    When you move for a love, you really so screw yourself. After breakup, had to leave job (could not really afford NYC), therefore lost friends, had to find new job, new house, and am away from Canadian family. Spent a ton of money as I am still paying for the apartment in NYC and in Florida. Its like every part of my life has turned upside-down.

    Thank you again for your responses and enlightenment.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member quirky's Avatar
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    Just sending my support sadchick83 as I am in a similar place. I am going through the breakup now 14 months later, how mad is that ha..?
    Particularly since I ended the relationship one would not expect the level of grief I am experiencing.
    It sounds really hard though that you moved and changed your life upside down and now rebuilding it, that is really challenging even if a breakup hadn't occurred. It also sounds very painful how you thought he was your forever person and had 'saved' you from a previous narcissist.
    This is all a process that can be unpredictable, I agree with Carus that anger kept you going this past year and now pain has resurfaced, it is another phase you will have to go through, I am sorry you are hurting. It does sound though that you have demonstrated a lot of courage so try and hold on to that, you have been resilient throughout all this and you have the strength to overcome this phase too.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Is this a regular monthly/weekly thing? Does it defray the costs of your living/moving expenses? Why can't you do things on weekends? Why not join some clubs or groups or volunteer? Why not get in shape and start a self improvement program inside and out? Update your look, new clothes, hair etc.

    Update your social media. Delete and block dead weight including this ex. Review/reset your privacy settings. Post some recent interesting pics and upbeat posts. Reconnect with friends, family, schoolmates, alumni, former coworkers, etc. There is plenty to do on weekend besides looking up his social media and getting upset over pics of him with his new gf.

    Get a nice profile and good recent pics up on some quality (paid) dating apps. Start messaging and meeting men for a low-key coffee/drink. Get out of inertia/victim mode and get the ball rolling for yourself.

    Why not take some classes or courses such as fitness classes, yoga, tai chi, meditation, dancing, cooking, a language, financial planning, etc? Check local resources like the newspaper, town events, local library, local collages, online sources,etc. No reason to sit and mope all weekend. Get to a therapist if you can't pull yourself out of this victim, inertia, obsessed over him mode.
    Originally Posted by sadchick83
    he emailed for the first time in months making sure I got his next check.

    Weekends are the worst because I literally have nothing to do

  8. #17
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by sadchick83
    Thank you KimmyO, Carus, and Honeycomb! Carus, I think you are right. The anger propped me up for a year and I am finally out of shock and into mourning. All week I have been waking at 3:00am thinking of him. Funny today he emailed for the first time in months making sure I got his next check (part of the non disparagement agreement). I was going to be snarky in my response, but I basically just said “yes, I got it”.

    Tonight I called my brother who I have not spoken to in ages. And KimmyO, I'm looking into art classes once work dies down a bit. Weekends are the worst because I literally have nothing to do, so for now I’m just reaching out to the few relatives I have to chat and catch up.

    When you move for a love, you really so screw yourself. After breakup, had to leave job (could not really afford NYC), therefore lost friends, had to find new job, new house, and am away from Canadian family. Spent a ton of money as I am still paying for the apartment in NYC and in Florida. Its like every part of my life has turned upside-down.

    Thank you again for your responses and enlightenment.
    I’m still not understanding whh an ex, not even an ex spouse but an ex boyfriend is paying you.

    For what exactly?

    Is it worth your soul?

    Cause it seems you’re slowly withering away living like this.

    I think like mentioned in your other post you should consider going back home.

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