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Help please. I'm losing myself


mandam

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My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years. We have lived together for 3 months now. I am an american woman and he is from West Africa living here in America. Our biggest challenge as a couple so far has been our religious and cultural differences and over coming misunderstandings but I feel proud of how we have overcome so many obstacles. I love him deeply and looked forward to a life with him. I thought he was the one. Recently however my heart has been ripped out of my chest, stepped on and lit on fire. He cheated on me. I feel stupid, heartbroken, furious, panic, disbelief. I can’t control my emotions at all. I can’t focus on anything but this. I can’t even sleep. Why? Why did he do that? I thought he loved me… can a man cheat on you and still love you? He comes from a polygamous background but told me he didn’t believe in or approve of that. I guess that was a lie. Was he raised to be like this? I’m also guessing this is just the first time I caught him and it has probably happened before. I know my trust is broken and I will never be able to trust him again. This relationship is over. I know this logically but for some reason I still cling on to hope that it’s not over. I’m still madly in love. Am I crazy???

 

How I found out about his deceit is through a mutual acquaintance with the woman he’s been seeing. She called me to ask if we were still together. Mentioned her friend is head over heels for the new man she’s been seeing and put two and two together realizing it was the same man I was with. When I confronted him he denied it profusely and he got angry at me for even thinking it could be true. But everything started to come together when I received that phone call. His moody behavior, suddenly having to leave the house to meet his ‘friends’. Guarding his phone like fort knox. I’m ashamed to admit this but I went through his phone. I had to know the truth and there it was. Nights spent at her house having dinner. borrowing MY CAR to take her on short day trips out of town. All the lies. And I never suspected he could go this far in betraying me. He’s still in my house and thinks he’ll need a month to move out. He’s still denying he did anything wrong and of course I’m the bad guy for going through his phone. He must think I’m stupid because his explanation for the texts I saw is ‘shes an old friend who just broke up with her boyfriend and I was just trying to cheer her up, I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d misunderstand and get upset’. REALLY?????

 

How can I at least stop spinning around in circles so I can think clearly. I hate him. I’m disgusted with him yet I’m so in love. I’m losing my mind.

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I'm so sorry you're going through this!

 

I think it doesn't matter if he was raised polyamorous or not. He made you believe that he wasn't about that life, and based on that you entered that relationship. If you want a monogamous and committed relationship, a man who cheats and still continues lying after being caught is not someone you want in your life.

 

Now that you know what you need to know, it's time to stop the investigation and make an action plan to leave this relationship. Do you have a support network of friends or family around you with whom you can confide? In what name is the house? Is it rented? Have you thought about doing a STD scan just to be sure everything is fine?

 

Once again I'm very sorry you're going through this and wish you the best.

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Wow that’s terrible. The best thing you can do is to do nothing. As hard as it is you can’t compete with another woman. It will devalue yourself in his eyes, not to mention you’ll lose the respect you have for yourself.

 

You have to respect yourself and accept the present. It hurts I know but it’s all you can do. Right now you got to remember who you are and what kind of relationship you want to be in. He cheated on you and I’m afraid nothing can change that. It will never be the same.

 

Put yourself first from now on. Cut all contact. DO NOT TRY TO WIN HIM BACK IT WILL MAKE IT WORSE.

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He comes from a polygamous background but told me he didn’t believe in or approve of that.

 

He might not want to practice polygamy itself, but there are a lot of cultures where men (and women) might have affairs and it's no big deal. I guess it is no big deal to him, he hasn't even apologized so I don't see any reason why it won't happen again. I don't know how to kick him out of your place but you will have to do it. Do you own your home or rent? You may need to check the terms of your lease and the laws in your state to see how he can leave.

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Kick him out and cut him off. This was all just a scam to get into the US. Report him to the police and immigration immediately. You do not have to harbor him in your home "because he needs a month to move" , in fact you shouldn't be harboring him there at all.

 

Report your car as stolen if he ever goes near it again. Change the locks.

 

Go to the authorities asap and get this scammer out of your life now. Also check your credit reports, bank statements, etc. immediately change all your passwords on all your accounts and devices. This is a con artist who saw an easy target in you.

We have lived together for 3 months now. I am an american woman and he is from West Africa. borrowing MY CAR He’s still in my house and thinks he’ll need a month to move out.
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Thank you for all your replies. So the situation is we live in my house which I own. It is only under my name. I checked the rental laws and since we did not create a lease agreement or any agreement at all when he moved in he only has rights to 3-days notice to get out!! So I told him he has three days. He didn't even respond or acknowledge this and just walked out the door to go somewhere. Which is fine because I also have proof via text message that I gave him his 3 days and if he's not out by then I can call the police and they will escort him out.

I don't believe he's a scammer. He always paid for half of everything (mortgage utilities, food ect.) He has a good steady job. He also already has a 10yr visa so no need to use me for that. He's just a charming womanizer and I fell for the trap.

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He also has a car but it broke down 2 months ago and needs a very expensive repair which he was saving for.

 

I cleaned the toilet with his toothbrush last night..... It's really a toxic situation for us both now and he needs to get out ASAP

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This kind of betrayal is extremely hard to accept. Logically you can understand what has happened but since you are in love with him your heart is very slow to give up. It takes time to fall in love and even with cheating it takes time for our hearts to let go fully. The mind and heart battle frequently over what is best for us. In the end your logical mind will win out but the heart ache will take some time to heal.

 

He is not remorseful, he hasn't apologized and even turned this back on you. These are all classic signs of a serial cheater and you are correct this more than likely isn't his first and certainly not his last betrayal.

 

You need to get tested for a full std panel.

Make plans to have your locks re-keyed. (Don't trust this guy)

Remind him he needs to be out in ____ number of days which includes getting his broken down car towed out of your driveway or you will call the police to have him removed. Don't falter on this point, he needs to go.

Keep posting as it helps more than you can know. There are a lot of people here that have been through what you are going through and can help and sympathize.

 

Also do not apologize for going through his phone. You had plenty of evidence and gut feelings that something wasn't right and you did what needed to be done to protect yourself.

 

It takes time but you will be okay I promise.

 

Lost

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