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Thread: On lying

  1. #1

    On lying

    I am absolutely and only in love with my SA, whom I've been together with for a year that has been a rollercoaster ride for both of us. We started off open, with me being the quiet type that prefers to not kiss not tell and him being a bit more, well, careful with that (though he never articulated that he wanted to know himself). I had a ONS while we were dating, about which I came clean only a few months later when I was drunk-mad at him for not telling me about having sex with a mutual friend, very mature, I know - also the main reason for even sleeping out for me was that I felt I had to, in order to not be the loser once I'd hear about his other interests, which is mainly reasoned in my past "flicks" with terrible, terrible people. When I told him, I really didn't mean to hurt him, I just wanted to have to say something to myself mainly, I'd have never thought anyone could be so hurt by anything I did. That doesn't really make any sense, because I have been hurt that way before and usually am able to empathize with my loved ones. The above mention is whatsoever evidence for my not-readyness to have been in a (non-monogamous)-relationship.

    Since I told him about my gaffe, he's not been able to trust me and is not exactly wrong in doing so, because I model the truth sometimes (an off-topic example would be how I took the train yesterday and though already paid-for havent received my new subscription ticket yet. When the collector asked me when I'd paid for it and suggested it might've been on dec 24, instead of admitting that it had been just three days ago, I gave in and nodded. The rest of the ride was spent in embarrassment and fear of her discovering my lie of having paid only three days after I told her). Even though I see the big responsibility I have, I feel helpless and stuck in my patterns and as though I am not able to convey my feelings. I like to speak in metaphors a lot when talking about myself, because it's so hard for me to put feelings into precise words and therefore feel like I'm lying just by the languages' lacking of interfering.

    Then there's the other problem of my infidelity, because since the incident mentioned above, we're strictly monogamous. As we're both educated on the topic of relationship models as well as casual encounters in the past, I'd thought we commonly knew that there could absolutely be a clean cut between the bodily and any romantic intention. Now even though I know - though don't understand - he'd be hurt by my behavior, I continue on with it and have found myself drunk-kissing a few people (strangers) when out. It may even be that I secretly feel entitled to doing it because it resembles nothing of cheating to me, which obviously makes me a bad person who egoistically puts their own needs above the pain of others, worse, the one person whose feelings you should care about the most.

    When I admitted to doing this once, I seriously thought he would be okay with it... I would always be if it were the other way around (though that's not the measure ofc), I don't have any intention of having sex with or dating anyone else, I just like kissing around and even though I can totally imagine not doing it again it just happens to happen continuously. I may ask him if he could imagine being "that" open again, but he'd probably see that as a deal breaker for it is not a mutual choice. He already demanded I break up with him if I'd hurt him again and I also feel like we're not going to have a healthy relationship as I constantly feel like I have to lie, because I always feel guilty for his feelings. Any opinions? Thank you, I can't talk about this to anyone.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like you're not ready to settle down or be in an exclusive relationship. Just admit that to yourself and the guy you're dating and you won't have to lie or be torn about things. Be true to yourself and don't play games and hurt people.

  3. #3
    Gold Member maew's Avatar
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    But.... I thought you were in an open relationship? I am not sure I understand why he is angry given he had sex with one of your mutual friends and has openly expressed interest in others? Or did you have some sort of ground rules that you broke?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Have you both agreed (verbally) to be in an exclusive relationship from now on?

    It doesn't sound like either of you understood what the other thought this relationship actually was. You also need to discuss boundaries no matter what label you put on the relationship. He needs to know you consider sticking your tongue down strangers throats when you are drunk as not cheating. You need to know where he stands on things as well.

    You are lying and hurting this guy because you are afraid of having the talk and what might happen. Just rip the bandage off with a nice long and honest talk and see what happens. No need continuing like you are.

    Lost

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Yeah, Iím confused too. Were you open when you had the ONS? Now youíre not open but still making out after a few a rounds?

    Anyhow, sounds like you donít want to be in something closed. You want the comfort of a relationship and the freedom to indulge in reckless life when out drinking. No shame in that, but itís time to own it.

    Seems to me everyone and their mother today is reaching for big labels (open, poly, etc) to get around some much simpler things, like still wanting to have sex and/or makeout with others. Itís a recipe for a lot of lying, that, when the whole thing is kind of a philosophical sidestep of a simpler, if less fanciful, truth.

  7. #6
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    You stated that you were dating when you slept with the other guy, meaning there was no promise of exclusivity, is that right?

    If so you did nothing wrong. Even keeping it to yourself isn't wrong, it's not really his business. Just like he didn't have to share that he had a sexual history with the mutual friend.

    Not seeing a "lie" here.


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