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Thread: My best friend came out to me as trans yesterday, and Iím sad and happy.

  1. #1

    My best friend came out to me as trans yesterday, and Iím sad and happy.

    I met my best friend two years ago, at a mutual friends house. The moment I saw him, I felt an instant connection. I just looked at him, before I even spoke to him, and felt like a instant draw to him. I donít believe in stuff like that usually, but it is what it is. I had a boyfriend at the time I met him, and he had a girlfriend. A week later he got dumped, and he was kind of a loner. We decided to start hanging out to smoke together and we hung out almost everyday, and i was pretty much the only friend he had. About a month into our friendship we slept together and I developed feelings so deep for him, and I ended my relationship with my boyfriend 3 years (who I thought I was going to marry) because of my feelings. We continued to hang out as friends and we would have sex a lot, but not every time. I left for college, and on all the breaks we would see each other. I wanted a relationship but didnít expect one right off the bat because we both had just got out of relationship. A whole year goes by and I tell him I have major feelings for him, he kinda just says he has feelings for me too, but he doesnít want a long distance relationship. He tells one of my friends he stopped sleeping with me so much because he didnít want to hurt me or him. Then he kind of just distanced me really hard core. He had lost 100 pounds since I met him, and started to become very attractive to other people (although always attractive to me ) so I assumed he met someone else and wasnít attracted to me anymore because Iím chubbish. so I go back to college, and try my hardest to get over him.

    I came back home for Christmas break and he is eager to hang out with me. We were riding in the car and we stopped and he kissed me and we started having sex. We then leave and go to a party, and he starts drinking. A the end of the night when Iím taking him home he asks me if I will stay and cuddle with him (heís never been that direct, Iíve usually always been the one to instigate the situation) so I do. We start having intense, passionate sex, and he says ďi love youĒ ďi love you so much much, thank you for being here for me through everythingĒand says it like 3 more times. Heís a very quiet person and doesnít usually say things just to say them, so when he said it, it felt really genuine and I was so happy. I went to hang out with him the next morning, and we start talking about the night before, and after talking I realize he doesnít remember the second time we had sex (when he said I love you) or heís pretending like he doesnít. That ing hurts. But I didnít and havenít said anything. So we continue to hang out and he asks if he can come over to my house. We are sitting on my balcony and he then proceeds to tell me that heís not gay like a lot of people say about him, but heís trans and is planning to transition into a woman soon. My heart instantly sank. I love him. I look at him and know it. We arenít in a relationship but Iíve wanted it for so long. Iíve never been gay and have never imagined myself with someone whoís trans or a girl, but in my mind, I still want him/ her. But in my gut it hurts. We live in Texas and I know it will never be accepted my either of our families. Iím scared for him/her . (Forgive me for pronouns Iím really confused at what to say). Heís always been really depressed, and I wasnít sure why itís been like this for him his whole life (heís been on antidepressants since he was a kid) , so Iím glad heís finally getting to a happier place. I let him tell me all about what he wants to do and show me pictures of him/herself dressed up. He/she was just glowing when we started talking about it. Iím happy and sad at the same time but of course I will never let her see that it makes me sad because it wonít be good for her health. Iím just so heartbroken because I know we canít have a relationship now and I donít know who he/she will become. And he just told me he/she loved me and so this makes it all harder. I guess Iím not really asking for advice. I just canít tell anyone how I feel because no one else knows about this except me at this moment. I want to be there for him/her through this time but it feels like itís tearing me apart at the same time.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to distance yourself if you had/have sexual/romantic feelings, even if it was fwb all along. He's going through too much right now and that comes with a lot of confusion and challenges. He need the support of his doctors, therapists and trans community. You can't really be friends if you still view him as a male lover. You are too invested in this and way too close for this.
    Originally Posted by GraceLogan
    -a month into our friendship we slept together and I developed feelings so deep for him, and I ended my relationship with my boyfriend.
    -He had lost 100 pounds since I met him, and started to become very attractive to other people.
    -We were riding in the car and we stopped and he kissed me and we started having sex.
    -We start having intense, passionate sex, and he says ďi love youĒ
    -he then proceeds to tell me that heís not gay like a lot of people say about him, but heís trans and is planning to transition into a woman soon.
    Heís always been really depressed, and I wasnít sure why itís been like this for him his whole life (heís been on antidepressants since he was a kid)

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    I'm glad he told you and that he is at peace with his decision. I would be there as a support or to help him find support/resources if he asks you for help. I would not continue to be romantically involved. Also let him take this journey on his own and banish the "what ifs" - you don't know how he's going to process this, what his choices will be, or the timing of those choices. And it's absolutely none of your business. Your feelings matter too and if you have feelings to get out talk to someone who doesn't know him so you are not gossiping. It's about him, not you primarily.

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    Hmmm...well I sort of have a different perspective on this but that's probably because my sexuality is pansexual. So I'm basically attracted to just people in general for their looks and personality and I don't really see people as a "gender" per se, I just see them as a person, as who they actually are.

    I understand you are straight and you only like men but you do seem quite in love with this guy so even if he becomes a woman, who knows, you may still love him for who he is. Or maybe you won't, maybe you won't even be physically attracted to him/her. I actually think first and foremost you need to discuss with your best friend what *pronoun of choice* is looking for from you. I mean, you guys have been hanging out and having sex a lot but you never actually dated after a year. Do you think maybe your friend only sees you as a friend/FWB? Or was the reason he/she didn't want to get into a relationship the fact that there will be transitioning to another gender? I mean, if your friend doesn't actually want to date you then I think it doesn't matter what gender they are anyway because there wouldn't be a relationship anyway.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member superfan's Avatar
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    I think it's important that you just be there for your friend right now. She is going through a huge life change and although this is undoubtedly a very difficult thing to come to terms with (since you had very deep feelings for her).

    That said, she chose to tell you that she is trans which is a massive revelation especially in a place where it would not be accepted which obviously means she trusts you deeply.

    If you don't feel you can remain friends due to the feelings you had for her pre transition self, then you need to leave her life and do so as quickly and as painlessly as possible. Don't hurt her by drawing it out. She will have a lot of difficulty ahead of her and doesn't need any further complications or heartache.

    It's perfectly okay if you feel that you cannot be in a relationship with a woman - trans or cis. But again, she chose to tell you which means she trusts you and if you feel you can be in her life as a friend that could make a huge difference.

    Bottom line, it's up to you. Get used to using the right pronouns as fast as possible.. Not doing so could be construed as you not supporting her. She may not want she/her pronouns (I assumed she does here since you said she identifies as a woman) but some trans people also prefer they/them or zhe/zir.

    Use the pronouns she wants you to and just be there for her. She probably will be in need of a friend when and if she goes public.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    I could not be friends with someone I had a sexual relationship with who is now transitioning to being a male. Why? Not because of the transitioning itself but for two simpler reasons. 1. being friends with exes is not a good idea if feelings are still involved. 2. Friends drift apart when life altering circumstances are involved and the commonalities and ability to relate thins out.

    So you do not have to torment yourself just to be politically correct. If you can't handle a friendship with an ex you have feelings for, just don't do it. It's not your job, nor "should" it be to be "supportive" or deal with heartbreaking pics, texts, etc. sent to you, if it upsets you to watch this unfold. This individual needs to get support from the transitioning team which of course will include gender issue sensitive therapists. You are not responsible for nor "should" you try to be that. Not everything needs to be the Kardashians or mimic reality tv. Think for yourself and do what's right for you.

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    Platinum Member superfan's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    So you do not have to torment yourself just to be politically correct. If you can't handle a friendship with an ex you have feelings for, just don't do it. It's not your job, nor "should" it be to be "supportive" or deal with heartbreaking pics, texts, etc. sent to you, if it upsets you to watch this unfold.
    While I agree that the OP should not remain friends with this person if she cannot reconcile the loss of the relationship, it is not "PC" to suggest that she be supportive of her exes transition, whether they are together or not.

    I think if she cannot be around her ex anymore she should cut ties sooner rather than later to avoid hurting her ex any further than it already well. That said, she should do so in a way that is 100% supportive of her transition and the process she will be going through. That's not "PC" that's just common decency.

    Saying something like "I am so happy that you are finding out who you are. I wish you all the happiness in the world. I wish I could be there for you every step of the way, but the feelings I have for you make this too difficult for me. Good luck with everything."

    That, and remembering to use the right pronouns and not treating her ex as a man. Even if they aren't together, her ex will know that she is valued and that she isn't being dumped for being trans, but because the OP is not interested in women.


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