Ex agrees to meet

So my ex girlfriend and I broke up a little over a week ago after being together for 4 months. She said I was smothering her. I only went with the flow she gave me. When I brought up I'm getting a new place in spring, it was her idea to move in together. Made me think she was really into this, so I went with it. Things were good then starting a couple weeks ago she started to distance herself. We tried little contact for a week and she still sent cute good morning texts and even made a whole plan for the weekend and holidays. But that weekend I could tell something was up so I pushed it out of her and we decided to break up but see how we feel in a couple of weeks. There were sometimes my anxiety got the best of me and she said she would be patient with me. Anyways, I made it a week without texting her and I then said "I'm sorry, the way I processed things only made me feel what I wanted out of the relationship, not you. I know what I want and need to do now regardless of what happens. Hopes aren't high but I'd like to meet next weekend." She simply responded "yeah we can meet in a week or two." I'm doing okay, still pretty sad. Just can't bug my family and friends about this anymore. Looking for advice and insight to what she might be feeling. Or if anyone has been down this same road. Thanks.

What is the goal of the meeting?

Sorry to hear this. Just pull back a bit and as she put it don't "smother" her. Also talking about moving in in a few months is way too much way too soon after dating 16 weeks. Try to pace yourself, regardless of what she does. Do it for your own sake not hers or to save the relationship. Get to know her better.

Well I want to get back together. I want to ask her why she wants to meet, because I honestly wasn't expecting that at all. But don't want push that right away, it's only been a day since we talked.

Her response to your request to meet -- "yeah we can meet in a week or two" --- how apathetic and condescending, geez.

Like she's doing you some big favor by meeting with you, this is not where you, as a man who values himself, wants to be!

What she is thinking is that you are weak, and she's probably lost respect, sorry.

My advice would be to nix meeting with her, wish her well and move on, as hard as doing that will be.

But at least you get to maintain some shred of your your self-respect, dignity, pride and value.

If (massive if) she has a change of heart after you walk, she knows where to find you.

I want to ask her why she wants to meet,

I don't understand this at all. YOU asked her to meet with you. She said yes, and now you want to ask her why?? I don't get it.

Agree. This sounds like the "smothering" she cited as the reason for the breakup. Give her space. Contact her in 2 weeks to set up a time. However be prepared that this was a breakup, not a break.

I don't understand this at all. YOU asked her to meet with you. She said yes, and now you want to ask her why?? I don't get it.

Also just wanted to add (not to rub salt into wound but something for you to consider), it's doubtful this "meeting" will ever happen..

The apathetic way she agreed to it suggests she was simply appeasing you, again, as a man who values himself, this is not a good place to be with a woman.

Let her contact you, if and when she ever wants to meet.

Thanks, I understand and pretty much agree with what youre saying. It took her a day to respond, which makes me think she at least gave it some thought (or I'd like to think). I just would kick myself if I didn't at least try. My gut just tells me she was in a weird funk and needed some space to figure things out. Idk, just on here to vent, and advice. I had those thoughts that she just said it to please me, but why respond after a day? I want to flat out ask her if she truly does want to meet or is she just saying it. Idk that's all I got. Thanks everyone for the help!

 

I want to flat out ask her if she truly does want to meet or is she just saying it. Idk that's all I got.

 

Please please don't do that. Not unless you want to push her away for good.

Reason? It's weak.

Look, you have only been dating four months and you've already suffocated her, and according to your original post she broke up with you because of it.

I don't know who brought up this "let's see how we feel in two weeks" thing, my guess is it was you as your last ditch attempt to hold on to her, despite her breaking up with you due to your suffocating behavior.

Stop pushing this, pushing to meet, pushing to get back together, there is no reason for you to "have anything" -- all that will do is further suffocate her and confirm for her she did the right thing to end it.

You have broken up, walk away, and if you have any chance at all of "getting her back" you need to leave her alone.

As I said, if she has a change of heart, realizes she misses you, wants to try again, she knows where to find you, and even if she does, don't be so quick to go back.

That will show her that you respect and value yourself, which will make it easier for her to respect you too.

If I had to venture a guess, right now she does not, sorry.

It was her idea. But you're right 100% right

It was her idea. But you're right 100% right

"and I then said "I'm sorry, the way I processed things only made me feel what I wanted out of the relationship, not you. I know what I want and need to do now regardless of what happens. Hopes aren't high but I'd like to meet next weekend."

According to your original post (quoted above), you suggested meeting up. Now it was her idea?

She sounds lukewarm. She waited a day to respond because it isn't on her mind the way it is yours.

If you keep pushing you will succeed in pushing her away permanently. Respect her wishes for you to stop smothering her.

No, her idea to wait two weeks after the breakup

No, her idea to wait two weeks after the breakup

But you reached out to hold her to it.

Yeah I did.

Yeah I did.

So... it was your idea.

You’re initiating.

You’re reaching out.

I guess what I meant was it was her idea to give it some time after the break up. But yes I did break and reach out to her.

Forget all these BS games.. send her a short text saying “I care about you and I’d like to try to work things out, if you change your mind I hope you’ll reach out.” Then try to forget about her and live your life. Nothing positive will come from actively trying to get her back.

So am I the only one picking up on the fact that the OPer clearly has some sort of anxiety disorder?

Im asking because telling someone with an anxiety disorder to 'forget about her' or that he needs to appear higher value will simply not get through.

His girlfriend told him in no uncertain terms he was smothering her and he clung tighter, RED FLAG, his attachment to her isnt 'normal' so advice given under 'normal' circumstances just isnt gonna get through.

OPer what is going through your head right now? Do you believe you are capable of giving her space, actual space, not just silence for a few hours? Why do you believe she feels you are smothering her?

Ding ding. Yes I have horrible anxiety! I mean yeah I'm capable of doing it, if I would've just blocked her on social media right away I probably wouldn't have reached out. But a week after we broke up I saw she finally switched her status to single and it freaked me out, and until then I was doing okay, not great, but definitely better than how I've handled break ups in the past. I believe it was because I've been working 64-70 hour weeks the last month and my anxiety has been through the roof. I may have vented a little too much and freaked her out. Even then she said she would be patient with me. My last relationship ended because I got into a funk from working too much and I was freaking myself out again. There were sometimes that I got bummed, like when she said she applied for a job up north but told me she had no plans of ending things with me and if it were to come down to it she wanted me to come with her. I too want to move up north and we previously talked about it. But it still freaked me out. A couple times she made plans to do Christmas shopping and I tried to tag along (which I apologized for). After the last 8 hours I have no desire to text her and I'll wait and see what happens. But my mind is racing. She was never too up front with how she felt and told me in the beginning of the relationship she doesn't show emotion and talk about things alot. Which I do. I'm at work now and I'm good with my mind distracted, but at home it kills me.

Well I want to get back together. I want to ask her why she wants to meet, because I honestly wasn't expecting that at all. But don't want push that right away, it's only been a day since we talked.

She gave you a vague "we can meet in a week or two" to appease you. It doesn't seem like she really wants to meet you, because that was so vague.

Also, you should've put a hold on that moving together after just 3 months of dating. Regardless if it was her that suggested it, it was way too soon to talk about moving in together.

Ding ding. Yes I have horrible anxiety! I mean yeah I'm capable of doing it, if I would've just blocked her on social media right away I probably wouldn't have reached out. But a week after we broke up I saw she finally switched her status to single and it freaked me out, and until then I was doing okay, not great, but definitely better than how I've handled break ups in the past. I believe it was because I've been working 64-70 hour weeks the last month and my anxiety has been through the roof. I may have vented a little too much and freaked her out. Even then she said she would be patient with me. My last relationship ended because I got into a funk from working too much and I was freaking myself out again. There were sometimes that I got bummed, like when she said she applied for a job up north but told me she had no plans of ending things with me and if it were to come down to it she wanted me to come with her. I too want to move up north and we previously talked about it. But it still freaked me out. A couple times she made plans to do Christmas shopping and I tried to tag along (which I apologized for). After the last 8 hours I have no desire to text her and I'll wait and see what happens. But my mind is racing. She was never too up front with how she felt and told me in the beginning of the relationship she doesn't show emotion and talk about things alot. Which I do. I'm at work now and I'm good with my mind distracted, but at home it kills me.

Im sorry Hunter.

Your best bet is going to be some sort of therapy to get to the bottom of your attachment style.

But for now there are things you can do to ease that anxious, stifling, manic feeling.

-keep your phone in another room.

-Distract yourself: a good book, a good movie, friends.

-type out whatever you want to say and send it to yourself. Come back to it in an hour, reread it, I cant tell you how many times Ive done this, in dating, with friends, with family and when i came back thought to myself, "thank GOD I didnt send that"

-If you are having a hard time recognizing whether or not you are being needy, slow down and ask yourself why you are doing what you are doing. Let be honest, your in a huge rush to get her back to ease your fear of losing her. Nothing has changed has it? So the same issues that chased her away will still be there so her best interests arent being looked at because your own anxiety and fears are drowning her needs out.

-Slow down and sit. Just sit with yourself, let your body naturally go through the motions, it'll feel unbearable, you'll convince yourself to check your phone, you'll convince yourself its ok to text, youll overthink, youre going to be manic, DONT REACT. Try to get used to not reacting to your emotions. I wouldnt suggest doing this right away, your emotions are in control right now but after a while, try it.

Im sorry Hunter.

 

Your best bet is going to be some sort of therapy to get to the bottom of your attachment style.

 

But for now there are things you can do to ease that anxious, stifling, manic feeling.

 

-keep your phone in another room.

-Distract yourself: a good book, a good movie, friends.

-type out whatever you want to say and send it to yourself. Come back to it in an hour, reread it, I cant tell you how many times Ive done this, in dating, with friends, with family and when i came back thought to myself, "thank GOD I didnt send that"

-If you are having a hard time recognizing whether or not you are being needy, slow down and ask yourself why you are doing what you are doing. Let be honest, your in a huge rush to get her back to ease your fear of losing her. Nothing has changed has it? So the same issues that chased her away will still be there so her best interests arent being looked at because your own anxiety and fears are drowning her needs out.

-Slow down and sit. Just sit with yourself, let your body naturally go through the motions, it'll feel unbearable, you'll convince yourself to check your phone, you'll convince yourself its ok to text, youll overthink, youre going to be manic, DONT REACT. Try to get used to not reacting to your emotions. I wouldnt suggest doing this right away, your emotions are in control right now but after a while, try it.

I like all of that. That helps me more than you think. Thank you so so much!!