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Thread: The friend I've never even dated

  1. #1
    Member FrozenMoon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2015

    The friend I've never even dated

    So previously, I've made a couple of threads about a friend of mine who I nicknamed G. About two months ago, I was absolutely heartbroken about a situation where I developed feelings for him but wasn't able to do anything with them (for reasons I won't elaborate here as it's a long story). I never told him a thing about this. It was the same period of time I permanently split ways with my friends from university, and much was at stake. I was in doubt about many things. One of these was naturally whether it was mutual -- which was hard to see with him as he seemed to be completely ignorant of the very concept of relationships (not intended as a sneer; he genuinely never openly showed romantic interest in anyone). I discussed this with others, and the eventual conclusion was that given his behaviour, I might've actually had a chance. Still, I was advised against pursuing anything.

    Previous advice on this forum suggested I should take a good look at whether he was relationship material for me at all. Approaching this from a logical perspective, I have come to the conslusion that no, he is not. He shuts down frequently, has a limited range of interests and conversational topics, generally shows little interest in other peoples' stories as compared to his own, etc. There's really no bad intentions, he just tends to get caught up in the few things that strongly interest him and he may forget the rest as a result. Now, this is not to say he's not a good friend -- on the contrary, he's one of my earliest made friends on university and his company is always very pleasant. We share a lot of interests, have the same humor, can still talk for hours, and our personalities balance each other out well.
    Still, I know the aforementioned negative traits would end up making me feel like he couldn't care less in the long run. He's a poor listener, and sometimes inexplicably goes from enthusiastically seeking contact to being very distant. While I believe I understand where it comes from, it comes across as him simply being disinterested, and would make me feel very undervalued and disregarded. I know it would end up breaking the deal for me eventually.
    Due to the development of my own emotions, this actually already hurts me now, as I subconsciously add so much weight to anything he does. He, I think, is completely oblivious of this.

    Knowing this, I've made the final decision to not pursue anything. It would only end up making me feel even worse. Even if it really were mutual, a relationship would be bound for failure. Unfortunately, my own heart still disagrees with that decision; and I still feel these same strong emotions every time I see him. Whenever we're in the same room, I will try to avoid looking at him -- but then he calls my name directly, I can't outright ignore him, and the one moment of eye contact that follows is enough to break my shields entirely.
    Then afterwards, I'll be back to thinking about him for days, if not weeks, continuously breaking my own heart over someone I've never even dated. Someone who isn't even aware of anything. It's stupid, but it's so painful at the same time.

    I can't be friends with him like this, not without hurting myself. Hence, I've cut down contact as much as I can. I don't initiate anything. I pretend I'm busier than I really am. I'm having myself get used to the idea that he's only been in my life temporarily, and that now I need to start letting him go.
    And in fact, I've found out that it works okay if I don't see him for a couple of weeks. It hurts, but given time, it's a pain I can learn to handle. Up until yesterday, actually, I was fine; having not seen him for a while. But here's the catch--

    Everytime I'm just at the point of coming to terms with it, he shows up somewhere again. When I'm invited for group activities by my friends, he obviously is as well, and we see eachother there. While I'm busy trying to forget he exists at all, he still sees me as a friend and doesn't see any reasons not to occasionally contact me. Whether it's through a message or physically being near him, he returns time after time. It's as though life keeps giving me opportunities to change my mind and stay in contact, emphasizing that he's still there. I actively have to make this decision time and time again, and it never gets easier.
    I can't just block or ignore him -- an unexplained change in attitude like that would create confusion and tension within the friend group. And frankly, he doesn't deserve that kind of reaction, as he did nothing wrong. It's just unfortunate circumstances.

    But so, every time, it begins again. I tried everything to get out of this harmful loop. I've been trying to focus on self-improvement, I've gone on dates with other guys, I've done some new things, met some new people. While they all somewhat helped, they never helped enough on their own; time so far seems to be the only proper medicine. And time is what I don't get enough of in between the occasions I see him.

    So how do people deal with these kinds of scenarios? How do you stop yourself from falling back into this pitfall time and time again? My situation has definitely improved from where I was two months ago, but that's only because of my efforts to minimize contact. And at the same time, thinking too much about that hurts as well, as I genuinely miss the times when I saw him every day and we spent so much time together.

    I know it's for the best, but it feels wrong. Thinking too much about my decision makes it feel like a big mistake, and it gets increasingly difficult to stay true to it. How do I keep telling myself to listen to logic instead of emotion? How do I convince my heart, too, that this is the right decision?

    And mostly, how will I ever make breaking contact work if I can't break it entirely?

    Looking back, this problem has already been going on for far too long. It's not the same entirely, but I feel like this question sounds an awful lot like the one in my first thread about this guy..

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec 2014
    I sense obsessive thought patterns here. I don't mean you any disrespect or harm when I say this. Truly intelligent people are naturally over thinkers and analyzers. I also sense a fear of letting go. I would tell him. I would stop hiding. Worse case, he free's you. HIs fear to seek contact could be anxiety. Best case he wants you and you both win. Don't keep this tucked in so deep. He may be the one.

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