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Thread: Someone please help me!!

  1. #1
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    Someone please help me!!

    Hi everyone. Iím new here and desperate for someone to listen. My story could take days to tell so Iíll just make this as simple and short as possible. My husband and I have been married for 16years and have 3 children. He cheated early on in our marriage with a man. We moved on, I forgave. He always has made me feel there was more but I couldnít prove anything. After my father passed back in May of this year, 5 days after the funeral he confessed he is bi-sexual and asked for space so he left for 2 weeks to stay with a friend. He came back and we started to rebuild and I thought things were doing better than ever. We bought a house and did several counseling session. Things have been going rather well coming up to 2019! So I thought. He was caught in a lie a few days ago and he decided to tell it all. For the past few years heís been given oral sex from different men. During our 2week break he was given oral sex twice. Heís met people at the gym and one recently online that he met just 2 days after Christmas and kissed. He also just 4 days before Christmas planned to visit another guy out of town. I gave him a gift to a spa retreat and he had made plans to meet this guy there for oral sex and possibly more. Heís promised to turn off all social media and stop everything but as of this morning, nothing. We talked about an open marriage and he was okay to have one but not for me to see anyone else. He says his ego wouldnít let him do that. So today, Iím just here. I donít know what to do. I didnít get married to end in divorce but I feel stuck. I feel lonely, sad, angry and depressed. We have a 15, 12 and 9 year old and I canít break their hearts. They were so sad when he left before. I do not know how to move on! Please help me. Any advice would be appreciated but please donít judge me. My heart cannot take anymore. Thanks.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. You didn't get married to get divorced but you also didn't get married to be lied, to cheated on by a husband on the down low with a double life. Sadly your marriage is a sham.

    You haven't wrapped your head around it because you are paralyzed and still in denial that this is all a nightmare you'll wake up from. What he told you was the tip of the iceberg.

    The best thing to do is get to your doctor and get tested for STDs and get a complete physical as well. Then make an appt with a therapist to help you navigate all this.

    Also contact an attorney asap for a consultation to discuss your options, custody, child support, etc. Check all your finances. All your account, credit cards, credit score, etc. Confide in trusted friends and family. Plan your exit carefully as far as finances, custody and emotionally.
    Originally Posted by Notsohappy83
    he confessed he is bi-sexual. heís been given oral sex from different men. I didnít get married to end in divorce. We have a 15, 12 and 9 year old and I canít break their hearts.

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    Oh darling , what a nightmare .....but as said above ^^^ you didn't get married to be treat this way either , none of us have children thinking our families will split up, none of split to break our childrens hearts and on and on it goes .

    I am sorry for the awful pain you are going through *hugs* but how can you live like this ... I can't imagine knowing your man is going out to have sex be it man or woman while you stay at home and then he just comes back home and carries on his marriage . You deserve a life and this is not right <3 bless you ..the children will adapt ..you don't have to be a pushover and you will all get over this .....life is for living and he certainly is , time to make some tough decisions xx

    Bugger his ego as well ..you are falling apart and he wants to keep his ego intact ....no way .

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    I am so sorry. A lot of people lie because they cannot handle who they really are. I feel bad that he has this demon to live (the lying and cheating) with and it has severely effected you as well. He may be just gay and letís it leak out periodically becuase of guilt but canít handle telling you the full truth. I would imagine you probably wonít get the full truth because he is likely ashamed. The continuous cheating and lying, especially with men, may not change. You canít change your sexual orientation. If he is honestly bi then maybe therapy can help? I am of the opinion that most marriages contain heavy secrets like this and some people are just much better at lying and hiding them... so donít feel too alone. You just know about yours now. I hope it works out for you.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. You didn't get married to get divorced but you also didn't get married to be lied, to cheated on by a husband on the down low with a double life. Sadly your marriage is a sham.

    You haven't wrapped your head around it because you are paralyzed and still in denial that this is all a nightmare you'll wake up from. What he told you was the tip of the iceberg.

    The best thing to do is get to your doctor and get tested for STDs and get a complete physical as well. Then make an appt with a therapist to help you navigate all this.

    Also contact an attorney asap for a consultation to discuss your options, custody, child support, etc. Check all your finances. All your account, credit cards, credit score, etc. Confide in trusted friends and family. Plan your exit carefully as far as finances, custody and emotionally.

    Thank you Wiseman2. I think I am in denial. Iím in pain. Iíve already set an appointment to get tested. I found in his online history he searched about a month ago symptoms of syphilis is men. My heart is literally broken. Heís not even protecting himself. Iím living in a nightmare. Weíve done therapy together but I definitely need my own to help me. Thank you

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    Originally Posted by pippy longstocking
    Oh darling , what a nightmare .....but as said above ^^^ you didn't get married to be treat this way either , none of us have children thinking our families will split up, none of split to break our childrens hearts and on and on it goes .

    I am sorry for the awful pain you are going through *hugs* but how can you live like this ... I can't imagine knowing your man is going out to have sex be it man or woman while you stay at home and then he just comes back home and carries on his marriage . You deserve a life and this is not right <3 bless you ..the children will adapt ..you don't have to be a pushover and you will all get over this .....life is for living and he certainly is , time to make some tough decisions xx

    Bugger his ego as well ..you are falling apart and he wants to keep his ego intact ....no way .

    Youíre absolutely right. Life is for living and he hasnít stopped, yet Iím stuck in this moment. I feel Iím drowning. This is the worst decision Iíve ever had to make. I feel I might fall completely apart by the end of all of this : (

  8. #7
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    As a person who has divorced parents I can tell you your kids will adjust. I would rather know that my mother is safe and happy than constantly being lied to and cheated on.

    I am so sorry. I hope your health is intact.

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    Originally Posted by NeedAdvice89
    I am so sorry. A lot of people lie because they cannot handle who they really are. I feel bad that he has this demon to live (the lying and cheating) with and it has severely effected you as well. He may be just gay and letís it leak out periodically becuase of guilt but canít handle telling you the full truth. I would imagine you probably wonít get the full truth because he is likely ashamed. The continuous cheating and lying, especially with men, may not change. You canít change your sexual orientation. If he is honestly bi then maybe therapy can help? I am of the opinion that most marriages contain heavy secrets like this and some people are just much better at lying and hiding them... so donít feel too alone. You just know about yours now. I hope it works out for you.

    Iíve asked if heís gay and he has denied over and over. I canít tell when heís actually being truthful anymore. I do believe heís struggling with this thing but Iím being dragged around through the mud because of it. Iíve not stopped crying for 3 days now. Sitting watching a movie with my kids, I have to get up several times just to go cry. Iím overwhelmed. We did therapy and we are back in this same spot. He is actively searching for people. He says he will stop everything and disconnect from everyone. But I canít trust that. Iím afraid to leave but afraid to stay. I donít wanna be exposed to anything that could hurt me anymore, emotionally or physically health wise. I canít change his sexuality nor can he. I feel you can be bisexual and married in a monogamous relationship. You donít have to cheat. Heís making a decision to cheat and wanting to blame his sexuality. Iím sorry to bother everyone with all of this. But I appreciate you listening and giving me your advice. Thank you!!

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    As a person who has divorced parents I can tell you your kids will adjust. I would rather know that my mother is safe and happy than constantly being lied to and cheated on.

    I am so sorry. I hope your health is intact.

    Thank you Seraphim. This helps a lot. Iím sorry you had to experience that. I pray my health is well too. Thankfully Iím a hypochondriac lol so Iím sure Iím fine but Iím getting fully tested to be absolutely sure and will again in a few months.

  11. #10
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Notsohappy83
    Thank you Seraphim. This helps a lot. Iím sorry you had to experience that. I pray my health is well too. Thankfully Iím a hypochondriac lol so Iím sure Iím fine but Iím getting fully tested to be absolutely sure and will again in a few months.
    My mom has been married 3 times. My parents though broke up about 10 times and divorced when I was 5/6 and broke up for the final time when I was 24. I would rather that though than the abuse and cheating he heaped on my mom.

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