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Someone please help me!!


Notsohappy83

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Hi everyone. I’m new here and desperate for someone to listen. My story could take days to tell so I’ll just make this as simple and short as possible. My husband and I have been married for 16years and have 3 children. He cheated early on in our marriage with a man. We moved on, I forgave. He always has made me feel there was more but I couldn’t prove anything. After my father passed back in May of this year, 5 days after the funeral he confessed he is bi-sexual and asked for space so he left for 2 weeks to stay with a friend. He came back and we started to rebuild and I thought things were doing better than ever. We bought a house and did several counseling session. Things have been going rather well coming up to 2019! So I thought. He was caught in a lie a few days ago and he decided to tell it all. For the past few years he’s been given oral sex from different men. During our 2week break he was given oral sex twice. He’s met people at the gym and one recently online that he met just 2 days after Christmas and kissed. He also just 4 days before Christmas planned to visit another guy out of town. I gave him a gift to a spa retreat and he had made plans to meet this guy there for oral sex and possibly more. He’s promised to turn off all social media and stop everything but as of this morning, nothing. We talked about an open marriage and he was okay to have one but not for me to see anyone else. He says his ego wouldn’t let him do that. So today, I’m just here. I don’t know what to do. I didn’t get married to end in divorce but I feel stuck. I feel lonely, sad, angry and depressed. We have a 15, 12 and 9 year old and I can’t break their hearts. They were so sad when he left before. I do not know how to move on! Please help me. Any advice would be appreciated but please don’t judge me. My heart cannot take anymore. Thanks.

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Sorry to hear this. You didn't get married to get divorced but you also didn't get married to be lied, to cheated on by a husband on the down low with a double life. Sadly your marriage is a sham.

 

You haven't wrapped your head around it because you are paralyzed and still in denial that this is all a nightmare you'll wake up from. What he told you was the tip of the iceberg.

 

The best thing to do is get to your doctor and get tested for STDs and get a complete physical as well. Then make an appt with a therapist to help you navigate all this.

 

Also contact an attorney asap for a consultation to discuss your options, custody, child support, etc. Check all your finances. All your account, credit cards, credit score, etc. Confide in trusted friends and family. Plan your exit carefully as far as finances, custody and emotionally.

he confessed he is bi-sexual. he’s been given oral sex from different men. I didn’t get married to end in divorce. We have a 15, 12 and 9 year old and I can’t break their hearts.
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Oh darling , what a nightmare .....but as said above ^^^ you didn't get married to be treat this way either , none of us have children thinking our families will split up, none of split to break our childrens hearts and on and on it goes .

 

I am sorry for the awful pain you are going through *hugs* but how can you live like this ... I can't imagine knowing your man is going out to have sex be it man or woman while you stay at home and then he just comes back home and carries on his marriage . You deserve a life and this is not right

 

Bugger his ego as well ..you are falling apart and he wants to keep his ego intact ....no way .

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I am so sorry. A lot of people lie because they cannot handle who they really are. I feel bad that he has this demon to live (the lying and cheating) with and it has severely effected you as well. He may be just gay and let’s it leak out periodically becuase of guilt but can’t handle telling you the full truth. I would imagine you probably won’t get the full truth because he is likely ashamed. The continuous cheating and lying, especially with men, may not change. You can’t change your sexual orientation. If he is honestly bi then maybe therapy can help? I am of the opinion that most marriages contain heavy secrets like this and some people are just much better at lying and hiding them... so don’t feel too alone. You just know about yours now. I hope it works out for you.

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Sorry to hear this. You didn't get married to get divorced but you also didn't get married to be lied, to cheated on by a husband on the down low with a double life. Sadly your marriage is a sham.

 

You haven't wrapped your head around it because you are paralyzed and still in denial that this is all a nightmare you'll wake up from. What he told you was the tip of the iceberg.

 

The best thing to do is get to your doctor and get tested for STDs and get a complete physical as well. Then make an appt with a therapist to help you navigate all this.

 

Also contact an attorney asap for a consultation to discuss your options, custody, child support, etc. Check all your finances. All your account, credit cards, credit score, etc. Confide in trusted friends and family. Plan your exit carefully as far as finances, custody and emotionally.

 

 

Thank you Wiseman2. I think I am in denial. I’m in pain. I’ve already set an appointment to get tested. I found in his online history he searched about a month ago symptoms of syphilis is men. My heart is literally broken. He’s not even protecting himself. I’m living in a nightmare. We’ve done therapy together but I definitely need my own to help me. Thank you

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Oh darling , what a nightmare .....but as said above ^^^ you didn't get married to be treat this way either , none of us have children thinking our families will split up, none of split to break our childrens hearts and on and on it goes .

 

I am sorry for the awful pain you are going through *hugs* but how can you live like this ... I can't imagine knowing your man is going out to have sex be it man or woman while you stay at home and then he just comes back home and carries on his marriage . You deserve a life and this is not right

 

Bugger his ego as well ..you are falling apart and he wants to keep his ego intact ....no way .

 

 

You’re absolutely right. Life is for living and he hasn’t stopped, yet I’m stuck in this moment. I feel I’m drowning. This is the worst decision I’ve ever had to make. I feel I might fall completely apart by the end of all of this : (

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I am so sorry. A lot of people lie because they cannot handle who they really are. I feel bad that he has this demon to live (the lying and cheating) with and it has severely effected you as well. He may be just gay and let’s it leak out periodically becuase of guilt but can’t handle telling you the full truth. I would imagine you probably won’t get the full truth because he is likely ashamed. The continuous cheating and lying, especially with men, may not change. You can’t change your sexual orientation. If he is honestly bi then maybe therapy can help? I am of the opinion that most marriages contain heavy secrets like this and some people are just much better at lying and hiding them... so don’t feel too alone. You just know about yours now. I hope it works out for you.

 

 

I’ve asked if he’s gay and he has denied over and over. I can’t tell when he’s actually being truthful anymore. I do believe he’s struggling with this thing but I’m being dragged around through the mud because of it. I’ve not stopped crying for 3 days now. Sitting watching a movie with my kids, I have to get up several times just to go cry. I’m overwhelmed. We did therapy and we are back in this same spot. He is actively searching for people. He says he will stop everything and disconnect from everyone. But I can’t trust that. I’m afraid to leave but afraid to stay. I don’t wanna be exposed to anything that could hurt me anymore, emotionally or physically health wise. I can’t change his sexuality nor can he. I feel you can be bisexual and married in a monogamous relationship. You don’t have to cheat. He’s making a decision to cheat and wanting to blame his sexuality. I’m sorry to bother everyone with all of this. But I appreciate you listening and giving me your advice. Thank you!!

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As a person who has divorced parents I can tell you your kids will adjust. I would rather know that my mother is safe and happy than constantly being lied to and cheated on.

 

I am so sorry. I hope your health is intact.

 

 

Thank you Seraphim. This helps a lot. I’m sorry you had to experience that. I pray my health is well too. Thankfully I’m a hypochondriac lol so I’m sure I’m fine but I’m getting fully tested to be absolutely sure and will again in a few months.

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Thank you Seraphim. This helps a lot. I’m sorry you had to experience that. I pray my health is well too. Thankfully I’m a hypochondriac lol so I’m sure I’m fine but I’m getting fully tested to be absolutely sure and will again in a few months.

My mom has been married 3 times. My parents though broke up about 10 times and divorced when I was 5/6 and broke up for the final time when I was 24. I would rather that though than the abuse and cheating he heaped on my mom.

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Cheating is cheating. Frankly, it doesn't matter if it was with a man or a woman, and where he met these people is immaterial as well.

 

What matters is, you cannot stay in a marriage where you are being lied to, cheated upon, and you can't sleep at night because you don't have peace.

 

Have you seen a therapist, someone to just talk to?

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Cheating is cheating. Frankly, it doesn't matter if it was with a man or a woman, and where he met these people is immaterial as well.

 

What matters is, you cannot stay in a marriage where you are being lied to, cheated upon, and you can't sleep at night because you don't have peace.

 

Have you seen a therapist, someone to just talk to?

 

 

Right, man or woman doesn’t matter at this point. Cheating is cheating no matter who he’s with. I haven’t slept more than 2 hours the last few days. I can’t eat, I’m shaking and have a migraine that won’t go away. I’m going to my doctor for a full check up on Wednesday morning and searching for a therapist. I don’t want to use the same one from before. But I may have to.

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You need to get out of this. Immediately.

 

I'm sorry, but your husband is gay. Terrible, that he cheated and lied to you for so long. But, you should have left after the first incident, unless you are cool with an open marriage?

 

Seek an attorney, and end this. Now!

 

I suggest you get tested. At once!

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Thank you Wiseman2. I think I am in denial. I’m in pain. I’ve already set an appointment to get tested. I found in his online history he searched about a month ago symptoms of syphilis is men. My heart is literally broken. He’s not even protecting himself. I’m living in a nightmare. We’ve done therapy together but I definitely need my own to help me. Thank you

 

I hope that your physical relationship has ended?

 

You are not doing your children any favors by staying in this mess. He sounds incredibly selfish and deceptive. The fact that he s not protecting him is unbelievable, He is risking YOUR life. What a piece of garbage!

 

There is nothing to deny. He has shown you over and over, that he is a liar and a cheat. When is enough , enough! The marriage ended long ago.

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I didn’t get married to end in divorce but I feel stuck. I feel lonely, sad, angry and depressed. We have a 15, 12 and 9 year old and I can’t break their hearts. They were so sad when he left before.

 

He's cheating on your children, too. He's cheating on your whole family. It's terrible how he seems to think the world revolves around him, and how it should continue to do so.

 

What happens to your children when he gives you an STD? What if he gives you AIDS? What if, somehow, he unknowingly passes a disease onto them through his negligence?

 

It's very unfair.

 

As Wiseman said, you didn't get married to be lied to and cheated on.

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Speaking for myself only ... I would head for a lawyer so fast you wouldn't see me for dust and serve him with divorce papers. One thing I will never tolerate is cheating, and lying, and then more cheating and more lying. Seriously, what a jerk! He does NOT love you, totally disrespects you, disrespects your marriage, even disrespects the children. I would pack his bags for him and kick him out the door so fast he won't know what hit him and then he'll be free to carry on messing around.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting, but please, show him you have enough self-respect by seeing a lawyer and filing for divorce.

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OP despite his level of denial... I think both you and your husband know he is gay... he is not ready to wrap his head around it yet and accept what is... and in the mean time is causing all sorts of damage to you and your kids.

 

You are so right... he doesn't have to cheat, and you don't have to put up with his cheating. I understand it's a difficult decision... just know that he will never go back to being the way he was and if you leave, he might finally accept himself for who he is and stop the madness.

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Thank you everyone for all your advice and thoughts. This week has been rough to say the least. I went to the doctor and got my test results back on yesterday.... everything came back negative Except that I’ve been exposed to both Herpes 1&2. Yesterday was very hard! I feel I’m slipping into a full blown depression. I’ve put my husband out and will be talking with an attorney this week. I’m so heartbroken. Again, thank you to everyone for the support through this absolutely rough time.

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Oh my, I'm so sorry about all of this. So are you showing HSV1 and HSV2 antibodies?

 

More important than that, you should be proud of yourself for how you are handling this. Separating from him, and talking with an attorney, are about the smartest things you could do right now. Your attorney will be of enormous help in separating your lives as you move forward.

 

I can't imagine this. Do you have a therapist you can talk to? Friends, family?

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Thanks. This is extremely hard. I’m finding a therapist to talk to because I need someone that’s just neutral you know. I’ve confided in my sister in law (she’s my best friend) about the events but not about the std. I don’t know how I can ever tell anyone that close to me this. I feel so embarrassed and icky. All I know is I’ve been exposed to both but it’s not active at this time. The doctor is back in today and I’ll talk with him more myself. He texted his on call nurse on Saturday and told her to call me with the information and honestly I was in such a state of shock I barely heard anything pass the fact that I have both. I do know his is sending in a 10 day round of antiviral meds so I’ll start those today. Just feel like I’m lost right now within my own thoughts and it hurts so bad.

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Thank you everyone for all your advice and thoughts. This week has been rough to say the least. I went to the doctor and got my test results back on yesterday.... everything came back negative Except that I’ve been exposed to both Herpes 1&2.

 

What does "exposed to Herpes 2" actually mean? Sounds to me like you have the virus in your system.

 

Almost everyone has Herpes 1 which is not usually considered to be an STD, and most are aysymptomatic and those who express symptoms have cold sores around their mouths or elsewhere - on the upper body.

 

Herpes 2 is much more serious, it's an STD that often causes repeated painful outbreaks of genital sores several times per year - below the belt- and its one of those "forever" sexually transmitted disease carried by about 10% of the population (percentages vary over time).

 

If you tested positive for HSV 2 then you've got the virus and it's something you need to learn about to deal with effectively especially when and if you get involved with someone new.

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What does "exposed to Herpes 2" actually mean? Sounds to me like you have the virus in your system.

 

Almost everyone has Herpes 1 which is not usually considered to be an STD, and most are aysymptomatic and those who express symptoms have cold sores around their mouths or elsewhere - on the upper body.

 

Herpes 2 is much more serious, it's an STD that often causes repeated painful outbreaks of genital sores several times per year - below the belt- and its one of those "forever" sexually transmitted disease carried by about 10% of the population (percentages vary over time).

 

If you tested positive for HSV 2 then you've got the virus and it's something you need to learn about to deal with effectively especially when and if you get involved with someone new.

 

Yes I’ve tested Positive for HSV 2. I’ve been reading on ways to handle this going forward and my doctor sent in a 10 anti viral treatment.

Looking back now I’m sure I had an outbreak earlier this year that I believed at that time to have been irritation due to change in soap and razor burn but looks like I was wrong. I never thought to even check for an STD at that time. And yes, while I don’t plan on being with anyone else for a very long time I do have to learn all that I can. Thanks

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Sorry to hear this. Make sure you mention your husband's promiscuity, cheating and being on the down low as well as all the medical reports and costs to your attorney. Also make an appointment with a regular MD for more blood tests (hepatitis, hiv, etc) as well as a general physical. Do get a referral to a therapist to help you navigate all this.

 

In addition to suing him for divorce consider also suing him for all the pain and suffering and medical problems his wanton deceit, sex with men, cheating, etc caused. He should pay the price for his disgusting deceptive behavior, not you.

I’ve been exposed to both Herpes 1&2. I feel I’m slipping into a full blown depression. I’ve put my husband out and will be talking with an attorney this week.
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Once again cheating is exposed as the most selfish thing a person can do to another they supposedly love.

 

Of course we are all so very sorry for what he has done to you and your family. This is a horrible tragedy that you will now have to deal with but you do not have to do it alone.

 

It is common to recoil from family and friends at times like this and simply suffer alone in silence but that is the opposite of what you should do. I bet you are a good friend to others so let them be a good friend to you. You need companionship with people you can trust and care about you but you have to be open to it.

 

The stress of all this will at times be enormous but you are strong enough to make it through and come out the other side happier and healthier.

 

Please keep posting, we will support you all we can.

 

Lost

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