Working on oneself

Hi all.

Just wondering what others have done to help them heal? I know the usual ‘gym, new hobbies, etc etc’

But I’m talking more about self esteem. Heck everyone’s self esteem gets knocked after a breakup. But how do you heal self esteem? How do you put together the little pieces that have been chipped away? There’s no manuals for this? No instructions!

I wouldn't dismiss the "usual" -it's only usual if you treat it like that and if you don't find a plan for you that works.

Here's how I take care of myself including my self esteem - it's a package deal IMO.

I don't go to a gym per se (although I did for many years). Every single day - 364 days a year (I skip one day a year for personal reasons) - I do at least 30-35 minutes of intense cardio and usually in the morning - even if I am watching TV or listening to a podcast or music I reconnect with myself in the most positive way possible -I am pushing myself for my personal health. I try to keep myself on the move as much as possible otherwise.

I do volunteer work and I find other ways to give on a regular basis. It reminds me that I'm part of a larger something. I've been doing volunteer work for about 38 years now -some years more, some less.

Being mindful of my listening skills - because it's the right thing to do and because the more you can get out of your own head the better you will feel about yourself and the better perspective you will have.

I avoid interacting with people who are constantly negative.

I keep very busy - I have me time, for sure, but I know I thrive on structure and accomplishing goals (i believe many people do). I work as hard as I can at my job - I believe a strong work ethic and dealing with your colleagues fairly -goes a long way to self esteem.

I wouldn't look at it as "healing" or big psychological/mental health words. Break things up into the nitty gritty and what works for you. Today I walked in the drizzle to do food shopping alone. I had a great time because I had me time and I bought cake mix for a "new years" cake. Please don't dismiss "it's the little things" as another cliche. I think little things -and your attitude/perspective about them -are huge when it comes to self esteem.

Good luck!

Sit still.

Thats honestly what I found helped me.

To sit still.

Im a mom so it took being completely alone to really feel what sitting still feels like and its not a comfortable feeling at first. I was tempted to 'fix' the feeling, the discomfort, luckily for me the time also coincided with therapy so I was able to navigate being comfortable with being alone.

Sit still.

Get to know you, be comfortable with you, enjoy you.

I remember those early days of being single after my divorce. I stayed busy, I was petrified of not having something to do, I was afraid of being alone with myself, with my thoughts, I was constantly out with friends, or working or parenting, constantly, I had to stay moving, I often describe it on here as mania, because thats what it feels like, like constantly doing this or that oh now lets do this oh now let me explore that, anything to not be still.

Now? I dont know what I would do without my quiet time, my me time, my time to just be still and appreciate the life I've been given to live.

Dont get me wrong in those super early stages of a break up you should get moving you should be around your loved ones, you should exersize and all that jazz but once you fnally see the sun break through the clouds, relax, mellow out, accept the next step of your journey to healing.

I think Batya makes a good point about self care. It's very important but easy to overlook and neglect. Find something that works for you and commit to it for the long term. It doesn't have to be monumental, just a small meaningful change that makes you feel good. (Now I have to take my own advice lol).

I also agree about the volunteering, but would also add that just reconnecting with friends or family and being a good listener can be as fulfilling. I never really noticed this until my last break up, but talking to people and relating to them really feels good. Also, it strengthens friendships and builds new ones.

This list if self love tasks is from Jay Shetty on instagram... He is a great resource on Insta and you tube.

Self talk is very important, too. Be kind and patient with yourself. Look at my response on the how did you move on or something like that thread. I explain how I used self love to over come the pain of my break up, and the overwhelming feelings of rejection, self doubt and self blame.

To be honest, this practice, it never really stops. Catching a negative thought and then changing it to a positive one is hard and it takes practice.

I agree with sitting still but for me it’s more about being with myself while being physically active in some way. When I am still I do 4-7-8 breathing the Weill method and I do that mostly to fall of stay asleep but also to relieve anxiety.

Helping others is a great way to raise your self-esteem, it's actually been studied and documented.

Volunteering is a good start, or even something as simple as responding to others' posts on a forum such as this, attempting to help them or if not to help, simply supporting them is a wonderful way to raise your self-esteem.

It gets you out of yourself, which has the potential of keeping you stuck, versus more other-focused.

Not referring to you monkey (and apologies if this sounds harsh) but it saddens me so much when I continue to read posts, even years later, from posters who haven't been able to move on.

They continue to tell their tales of woe like it happened yesterday, which imo thwarts the process of moving forward and keeps them stuck in the past, stuck in their pain.

I think talking about it, venting is great at first, but there comes a point, where you simply need to move on, and continuing to talk about it, essentially re-living it, and of course re-living the pain, again only serves to keep one stuck and prevents that from happening.

Keep a journal.

Strict, unwavering no contact.

Prayer.

Reading a lot ("Rapid Relief from Emotional Distress" by Campbell, MD)

Exercise.

Writing.

Learn new trades/school, focus on career.

Listen to, and enjoy music.

Learn an instrument/language.

Give yourself a break.

Volunteering and Church are both great ideas.

I vented for years in order to get over (2) ex's. It's taken 5 years for one, roughly 2.5 for the second.

Healing only came when I quit talking about it/them. Granted, venting served a purpose, but it reaches a point where a) nobody wants to hear it and, b) it hurts you.

I also got clean and sober, and I take a mood-stabilizer (lamictal) for Bipolar II / Depression.

Honestly, my drug addiction and depression was going to kill me. It's a struggle but I had to get clean, deal with my depression, and enforce NO CONTACT.

The merits of which I learned HERE. Thank God for this website!

But you can vent here :)

Brett

Other than the "usual" (which is very important by the way) every year I do a deep introspection into my behaviors, thoughts and feelings with the goal of changing the negative behaviors into positive ones. It has brought me a great deal of self-awareness and a deep spiritual (not religious) connection... and maintaining that spiritual connection has been the most beneficial in helping me heal my broken heart and build confidence and self-esteem.

I give back regularly in various ways... being a good corporate citizen at work, giving back to the community outside of work. This helps me build a strong sense of gratitude, love and acceptance.

I decided I would start crossing things off my bucket list... by travelling each year to some place I have never been, investing in making my home a cozy place to be, getting my coaching certification and become a career / life coach, changing to a more challenging and rewarding job at work, stepping outside my comfort zone to try new activities, go to restaurants I had always wanted to go to (even if it was by myself), go to art galleries and museums in every city I visit, do CrossFit competitions and Obstacle Course Races... and so many more things. Each time I step outside my comfort zone and take a risk I build confidence... even if it doesn't work out, I feel pretty proud of myself for trying. Those are the things that help me build confidence too.

I wanted to add my opinion on being cautious about the notion that any of this takes buying into some sort of program or hiring someone - certainly not as a first instance. I have a friend who is working hard at self improvement and living paycheck to paycheck with her family and in the last two months she's spent a lot of $ on programs to motivate her - not just fitness/eating but motivation, mindset, etc. Sure, a life coach, a therapist, a counselor can be extremely valuable in certain situations or even essential but these are more programs masquerading as such with uncertified or barely certified people. You don't need that. That's why I cautioned against being so dismissive of the "usual" because back to basics, simplicity, works best (while of course treating any underlying mental health concerns with the proper professionals) - and costs very very little.

I don't do crossfit competitions and am really impressed with those who do/can (!!) and same with marathons but since I'm not competing against anyone but myself when it comes to self-improvement, when I do my power walk at 7:17am after doing the marathon of getting my child fed/dressed out the door in time for the school bus I feel energized, empowered, good about myself. Truth -sometimes I think -this is lame -I'm only power walking for a half hour while others are working out for hours and getting up at 5 instead of 6 (and so on) and I have to dismiss that because I know I am pushing myself to the limit that I've chosen at that point and that I am out of my comfort zone even if for someone else it would be easy/easier. It's hard to get out of the comparison mindset but to me that's essential for self improvement.

I will add that there is a healthy amount of comparison -if you find a mentor or someone who inspires you with changes he has made, etc then sure, if it spurs you to try harder for yourself for positive reasons that can help too.

Good luck!

I sit in my room with my personal demons, we basically have a weekly meeting to sort "me" out, it might sound crazy but works... the only demon so far that is stubborn is my anger so we have to go to gym to vent him out lol...

But most of the things the other ladies and gentlemen said is the normal procedure.... keep moving forward!

But how do you heal self esteem? How do you put together the little pieces that have been chipped away?

It clicked for me that my healing is a decision. It's not some passive state that will happen TO me or FOR me, it's an active choice of participation.

From there, I was able to grasp that self esteem is SELF esteem. Not lover esteem. Or parent esteem, or peer esteem, or boss esteem, or anything having anything to do with what an ex thinks of me. I worked through the foundational fact that out of millions of people in the world, most of them would NOT be a good match for me. That's not cynical, just natural odds. So given that we all view one another through our own unique lens, rejection from an ex--or from anyone--speaks of the limits of someone else's lens rather than of any reflection on me.

It occurred to me that I could decide my own approach to healing. Do I want my experiences to teach me resilience and confidence and an ability to embrace new challenges going forward? Or, will I use my experiences to damage me and scare me into playing small so that I stagnate and ruminate myself into a deeper hole to climb out of?

Once I recognized that I owned this kind of choice in the matter, I quit the passivity of waiting for healing to happen, and I viewed every small step I took in the right direction as a deliberate choice to heal myself and build resilience and grow into my best Self.

From there, I could view the gym work or hobbies or career focus or bond-building with friends and family and community as the healing devices they actually are rather than mere motions to push through until some magical healing happens.

Happy 2019, and I hope you'll decide to embrace and enjoy your process. You'll thank yourself later.

 

Keep a journal.

Strict, unwavering no contact.

Prayer.

Reading a lot ("Rapid Relief from Emotional Distress" by Campbell, MD)

Exercise.

 

Writing.

Learn new trades/school, focus on career.

Listen to, and enjoy music.

Learn an instrument/language.

Give yourself a break.

 

Volunteering and Church are both great ideas.

 

I vented for years in order to get over (2) ex's. It's taken 5 years for one, roughly 2.5 for the second.

 

Healing only came when I quit talking about it/them. Granted, venting served a purpose, but it reaches a point where a) nobody wants to hear it and, b) it hurts you.

I also got clean and sober, and I take a mood-stabilizer (lamictal) for Bipolar II / Depression.

 

But you can vent here :)

 

I agree especially the bolded. I've posted this before, but while venting is good for a time, there comes a point where you need to just pick yourself up, shake that shyt off, and move the heck on.

Continuing to talk about only serves to keep you stuck in the past, stuck in your pain, just stuck and prevents you from moving on in a healthy way.

It's mind over matter.

Spend time and energy introspecting, reading, and learn from it.

Spend time helping others versus solely focusing on self wallowing in your pain in what amounts to nothing more than self-pity.

You can help by volunteering, any way you can. It will get you out of your self, which will help you move on.

Again, good to vent for awhile, but continuing to talk about it ad nauseum, even on forums like this is not healthy, keeps you stuck and thwarts the process of moving on. Mind over matter.

I'll probably get blasted for posting this, but it worked for me and I have been through hell and back.

It also saddens me when I read posts on this and other forums from people who are still wallowing in their pain after several years, and after creating many threads talking about it.

Im sorry guys, jmo based on my experience and others close to me.

You aren’t the first to make mention of this Kat, I think there was a thread about it a while back.

I’ve also said before I’m thankful I didn’t know this board existed during the early stages of my divorce, I’m thankful I never heard of the term ‘narcissist’ until I was healed, while incredibly helpful there is an aspect of coddling that exists on this board that I could have easily fell into.

I kinda find the whole thing fascinating. Those who are going on years worth of healing but are still at the same spot, they’ve got their bodyguards, and if you question it, oh the claws come out! Random people who barely post will come out the wood works if you question them being stuck.

This is the life they chose, so even if you and I are thinking, why are you doing this to yourself? at the end of the day after so long it becomes a conscious choice. Deep down they don’t want to move on, it’s not that they don’t know how, this board is full of advice, amazing advice, but again for those who simply do not want to move on, there’s room for them to flourish here too.

So ya gotta let them live their best life. When they’re ready they’ll make the choice.

.

Why do you think people don’t want to move on?

To be stuck with the feelings? The loss? The sense of where a part of you is missing is not only draining but it’s very negative.

Heck I struggle. I’m trying to work on myself. I’ve made mistakes along the way...everyone has a learning path they have to follow. And I agree people don’t help themselves. ( I’m one of them ) I should of gone NC a long time before I should of.

I know everyone is different. And what heals one person won’t typically heal the next.

It seems the only concrete way is time. no contact. From all the advice. Those two seem to be the concrete ones

Why do you think people don’t want to move on?

 

To be stuck with the feelings? The loss? The sense of where a part of you is missing is not only draining but it’s very negative.

 

Heck I struggle. I’m trying to work on myself. I’ve made mistakes along the way...everyone has a learning path they have to follow. And I agree people don’t help themselves. ( I’m one of them ) I should of gone NC a long time before I should of.

 

I know everyone is different. And what heals one person won’t typically heal the next.

 

It seems the only concrete way is time. no contact. From all the advice. Those two seem to be the concrete ones

I promise, I wasn't referencing you monkey.

I have always been honest with you about my impression.

I think youre trying to rebound and find solutions, essentially being manic to fill the void, I definitely dont think you want to stay stuck, if anything youre attempting to rush the healing process.

Haha figureitout I can agree. Run before I can walk- I’ve always been like that

I realised with the online dating I was ‘comparing’ so have chop that branch down currently.

It’s this void I’m learning to sit in. Hell I want to heal. I don’t want to be stuck.

It’s why o started this thread to get an understanding of different peoples perception of what healing was.

Today I walked in the drizzle to do food shopping alone. I had a great time because I had me time and I bought cake mix for a "new years" cake. Please don't dismiss "it's the little things" as another cliche. I think little things -and your attitude/perspective about them -are huge when it comes to self esteem.

Good luck!

Love this.

Also, I remember both of you from 2011!

Love this.

 

Also, I remember both of you from 2011!

Thank you! And I really mean it from the bottom of my heart -I work on the little things perspective basically daily (and with my son too, it's our before bed routine). It's easy to dismiss this as a cliche and much harder to actually do all the work and find what works for "you". So thank you.

Thank you! And I really mean it from the bottom of my heart -I work on the little things perspective basically daily (and with my son too, it's our before bed routine). It's easy to dismiss this as a cliche and much harder to actually do all the work and find what works for "you". So thank you.

Batya, I think I remember you having your son. I wanted to ask if you recommend any self help books?

Batya, I think I remember you having your son. I wanted to ask if you recommend any self help books?

No but I love Alain De Boton even though I haven't read him in years, and honestly, when I read Pride and Prejudice and Jane Eyre this past year (I am not sure if I read them in high school/college -probably at least one of them) I found the way it made me think, the insights (especially Jane Eyre) were really valuable. I practice a lot of self-help techniques and if I had more time I'd probably read one or two of them. I also like Martha Beck's column in Oprah's mag and would buy one of her books if I had that kind of time. And when Dr. Joy Browne was alive I used to listen to her show regularly. Hope that helps!

Why do you think people don’t want to move on?

They haven't figured out what else would inspire them to move TOWARD.